Relationships and friendships lacking in reciprocity

I think this is a common difficulty for any avoidant. Currently, I am asking for what I need, both with close friends and the man I am dating. I notice that when I have stated what I require or what I prefer not to do, I feel a sense of stress until a positive response happens.

In the past, I was not aware of this stress, and often went without stating my needs and preferences. Some men met some needs of their own accord, maybe having a certain upbringing or standard to do nice things and offer help. Some men did not do this sufficiently and I walked.  If you require very little, you will find many people willing to give very little. If you would require more, they might walk away or criticize you or see you as needy or spoiled and that is scary. 

I think many of us have grown up in unhealthy families where there was no time/space/care for our preferences and even our needs. Many of us come from neglect and abuse. Vulnerability might have been met with ridicule or anger. We can leave it behind us by assuming better standards and trusting new partners to do better if given the chance.

A healthy partner wants to know your needs and preferences, love and friendship includes making each other's life more pleasant. It takes courage to open up, state my preference and to trust my partner will receive the message with compassion. I still feel the fear as I do so, and to manage this emotion is up to me. (What would be unreasonable would be to expect the partner to assuage the fear by anticipating every need ot to expect one person to meet all of your preferences.) Yet I trust the other to care about me and to seriously consider my request. If he is willing and able to meet my preference; awesome, we just got a bit closer and more deeply and authentically connected. If he respects my preference but is unable to meet is, I may feel dissapointed but still proud of the attempt and glad for the respect. If someone would ridicule my request, I can always walk away. But there is no need to walk preemptively. Most people are good people who respect your needs and preferences, even if the people you grew up with were not.

Hello goldilocks and glad all is well with you. I think having a family who didn't respond to needs as a young child totally moulds your ability to ask and to trust that it's ok to ask.

I am so much better at this with friends and from here have been able to feel how it feels to really be supported and to note those people who don't really support me and perhaps act accordingly.

The two guys I mentioned back in this thread - one of them hasn't contacted me again - after a long long phonecall where I validated a lot of his needs - the other (my ex partner) has been in touch intermittently and came over during the weekend with a book he'd bought for me - and we're meeting this evening for a swim. I know 10000% that I need consistency in a relationship and am pretty sure he can't bring that but I also know that I am not very good at being open about exactly what is required and that's MY issue.

I have a work situation at the moment which is causing lots of stress and again I think the root issue is not wanting to ask for what I need for fear of making other angry or being rebuffed....

ocarina It can be a trap to get into over-analyzing. I don't know if it's necessary to figure out if it's you or him. Do you not have enough evidence that he is not reliable for you and that the lack of reciprocity does not support your values and happiness? Maybe you have enough information and are familiar enough with your values to stop analyzing and make changes by choosing another direction, with new boundaries in place.   This of course requires some letting go but real growth often does and the end result can be a more peaceful you, freed up to pursue your higher goals for relationships and personal growth.  We all need HEALTHY mutual support to become the best versions of ourselves.  Really.  we don't have to shortchange ourselves once we realize we want better.  We don't have to justify it.  It's ok. It's not unreasonable to want and strive for reciprocity and to make the decisive choices that will get us there, which sometimes means saying NO to people who are fine with catching a ride on our hem.  It's a drag and truly weighs you down when you settle for less than you are capable of and less than you need.  Needs are ok and healthy and normal.  But the only way you can get them met is to take action on what you know.  

I posted about reciprocity and availability in the "Things we think and do" thread, it outlines some areas of reciprocity, as a way to break it down for myself and decide what is healthy for me and what's not. Reciprocity is fundamental to healthy relationships, and for me it is all built on a foundation of emotional reciprocity and availability. The other forms of availability and reciprocity can vary amongst my relationships, not all fulfill the same things in my life. But ALL of my important personal relationships have emotional safety/reciprocity as the foundation.
Looking at different areas of reciprocity helps me have boundaries around over giving and also supports my own generosity in being reciprocal.
I don't twist myself around in relationships that don't fit any more.

This is an excellent realization to come to.  I've been there! It's VERY painful to get here but once you do, it's so illuminating and a real shift is possible.  When there is true a availability and mutual support and the intention to protect the well being of both partners ( this is love and respect and compassion!) then the relationship can flow naturally and be nurturing , instead of being a continuous source of discomfort and doubt and negativity.

Connection is not the same as reciprocity and respect. Familiarity is not the same as true comfort, it's just familiar, often familiar DISCOMFORT.

We get to choose a new normal when we discover that we need one. I have found that consciously participating in reciprocal relationships eliminates the compulsion and attraction to imbalanced and unhealthy relationships COMPLETELY. Once you find shoes that fit why bother squeezing into something that hobbles you and gives you blisters?!? No need!

And, it actually made my ex relationship more valuable and healthy, it's still a source of enlightenment and growth for me. It's very healing. We are mutually agreed about what works. Because of circumstances that are beyond our control a full relationship that meets our needs is not possible, but what we share now is balanced and does meet an important need. It's a real friendship, and while not my only source of emotional support and reciprocity , it's an important one.

I know now what it feels like to be in relationships with trust, compassion, respect, support, mutual engagement. Some are friendships- some are family, some are colleagues that are friends. The mutual accommodations and efforts are natural and we don't even have to think about it.

So the standard for a romantic relationship is higher now, and I don't need to live in uncomfortable familiar habits because my new habits are comfortable and truly fulfilling, I've learned and chosen and grown into a better way.

I don't have anything against last minute but when it's constant and there is never any commitment to anything even in a friendship it feels wearing and asthough I am not at all a priority. Some of this is triggering from years of exposure

Thanks goldilocks - done it! I guess my feeling irritated and less than as a result of the constant last minute business is my own thing to deal with really. Something I have no control over.