Relationships and friendships lacking in reciprocity

You are right that any instinct to be his mother is best refrained from.
It costs a lot of energy and the result is at best another child.

One thing I have learned in the past year is to move on/let go without getting rid of a person emotionally. I stay in place, doing my own thing and let him figure out for himself. I do not go into any deactivating line of thought; thinking he is wrong or not the guy for me. I just continue to see him as a man whose company I enjoy but who is not a boyfriend yet. I stay in the moment and take each date as it comes. Just being myself in the situation of uncertainty, accepting a variety of outcomes.

With the previous flirtation, he was quite hot for me and wanted to be in a relationship and have sex, but I had not yet seen any depth and made it clear I require some depth before both sex and relationship. This was a kind of vulnerability that was not easy to show, but I am glad I did. In my stance, what he does with that is up to him. At some point he just fell ill and cancelled a date and aside from a few text he dropped off the planet. It was at that point that I could decide he was not for me.

With my current interest, he asked for the next date at the end of each date in the beginning, then sort of relaxed for a while and tried a few last minutes. He noticed we had little time together, felt frustrated about this and initiated a conversation about it. He asked me if I want to get together more often and I said yes, I enjoy seeing him and can be flexible when asked in advance. I am also open to consider meeting on shorter notice, but what is then left over of my weekend is a few crumbs. Now he makes plans much further ahead, asks about my normal schedule etc. I am also glad I was open about it but let him figure out for himself.

Those are beautiful lessons.

Letting go of expectations is key.
Have your standards and share them freely when asked, but do not expect any particular guy to meet them.

As I mentioned, one guy did not meet my standards and I let him go. One guy did and I let him stay.
There are other guys who keep in touch but are not meeting my standards or not compatible and I enjoy their company in the friendzone.
Most men you meet will never be your spouse, many will be acquaintences, good lessons, dear friends or light flirtations.
Love is rare. 

Any secure person can tolerate and have grace for occasional rudeness, and everyone has a bad day or stressors now and then that cause them to be not at their best. Being gracious around that is what friends at for.

However, if rudeness and selfish behavior is a hallmark of the dynamic in an "inner circle" relationship, one of your primary relationships, something is amiss. You don't have to take someone's shortcomings personally in order to determine that you don't like or accept the dynamic. It doesn't have to be personal to be lame and unenjoyable.

If found that if I'm consistently let down but trying to be the bigger person, I'm in an old role. I'm in the child role actually, in a relationship I don't naturally feel I have a choice in (a parent / child relationship.) I'm minimizing my feelings, my right to be treated with courtesy and respect, and my wish to live in simple kindness and reciprocity.

The only thing to take personally in that case is personal responsibility for the health of my relationships and what I create. If I consistently just take what is offered even though I don't feel good about what I'm receiving, and tell myself it's ok, and show the other, it's ok, I'm creating a relationship dynamic that doesn't reflect self care and self respect. It's not inappropriate to expect others to treat me as well as I treat them- and if they just can't do that it's not my fault, not my problem, and certainly not my obligation to acquiesce to their dynamic.

I don't be have to be combative or dramatic or wounded to say "Eh, I think I'd like to pass on this and find a better fit for a friendship." (boyfriend, employee, any relationship)

Birds of a feather flock together, and if someone else treats you without adequate courtesy, and it's a norm, and you accept with suffering, you can be pretty sure you're overlooking your own courtesy towards yourself by failing to have some standards and boundaries. Additionally, as you grow healthier and develop new relationship skills and have more to bring to the table, you will find a new flock, some birds of a feather.

ocarina, I didn't use to be much of a planner, because I lived very much in my head as an avoidant, and wasn't tuned in to connecting with others like I am nowz. It was out of sight, out of mind when it came to relationships. I guarded my alone time and had to be caught in the moment of being social in order to be involved with other people.
I am much more connected now. It's not difficult to solve the puzzle when you are really emotionally available to yourself and others. Intimate relationships re no issue for me now. I enjoy them. I make a place for them, I facilitate them. I build them; I don't wait to see if they will just happen while I passively stand back and go with the flow.

So, out of respect for my time and my friend's time, out of respect for my willingness to cooperate with what works for her, and her willingness to cooperate with what works for me, we plan ahead and keep our commitments. Neither of us used to be his way, both purely dismissive and in our bubbles. We are growing. Any romantic relationship will have to meet this same standard for me. My friendships all meet this standard.

Aside from all the labeling of behaviors as good, bad, fair, right, whatever, blah blah blah, I like a relationship that just feels good. That's it- just friendships that make me happy. So simple. And what makes me happy has changed! My new relationships reflect that. It's so simple.

It is simple once you can really really really let go of all the old stuff and put yourself and your needs first - at that point all of the tomfoolery (love that word) with unavailable partners just falls away. It is difficult for me to NOT justify why I need things a certain way. I have been super strong, resilient, un needy, cool etc etc in all my relationships in the past. As an avoidant I was safe when I needed nobody so aside from solitude I am not sure I ever really examined what I would need to feel really safe in a relationship. What I need - and I am talking connection, communication, reciprocity etc whilst on the one hand it feels great - on the other it smacks (to the DA Ocarina) as needy and weak. It's letting go bit by bit and being truly OK with new found vulnerability that has brought me to where I am now. I still find it tricky to stick up for my needs after a lifetime of bowing to others, but I am getting there.

The ex DA almost seems like a ghost from the past now - and I know I would never go back to a relationship where everything I needed was on the back burner. It was a horrible falsity and incredibly draining - I chose to play that part so no blame.

Thanks for the support.