Be clear of what you want when you date Be honest.
Remember that you can not change your partner. And your partner can not change you. The question is - can you develop your relationship together ? Do you have some of the same values? Are you ready to open your heart ? Are you ready to recieve him/her, if he/she knocked on your door right now ? YES or NO ?
If you first have to loose weight, if your kids have to move out, before you can get a partner, if you have to get a new job, if you have to get a new look ect before you can get a partner ect. - then you are not ready to get a partner yet!!!!
Can you be your inner feminine woman or your inner masculine man and do you know how to ? Are you ready for love ?
Do you have to be 100% secure before you date ? No! You can develop in a new relationship ...
Note: If you are ambivalent and your partner is avoidant, you have to work on yourself and then you can decide, if you want the relationship as you can not count on your avoidant partner to Work on himself/herself.
Prepare yourself: Make vision boards, make a love vision, look at other couples who show that love is possible ect. to help you to open up and to Attract love into your life
Have you made room/space for a new partner in your life ? If not you will proberly keep attracting insecure partners who doesn't really want you or whom you do not want.
Have you made room/space in your own home for a new partner ? Have you made room/space in your closet ? Have you made room for your partners toothbrush in your bathroom ? Have you made room in your bed and is your bed big enough, so that you can sleep together ? Have you made room in your calender so that you can see eachother ? Have you made room in your 💓 for a new partner ?
Shame makes it impossible to be open to love. both in relation to yourself and to others. If you are ashamed, you only want to do one thing: it's disappearing and make yourself small or dissapear up in the blue sky. And therefore it is difficult at the same time, to be open to love.
Because of the feeling of guilt and especially shame, we typically develop strategies to avoid feeling that condition.
Shame can therefore be camouflaged in defense reactions.
These are common:
Closed of for emotions: superficial, maybe smiling and happy, mental / in the head Isolation: manages things on your own, the feeling of being different in the wrong way Excessive consumption: Food, sex, other people, games, work, alcohol, drugs, etc. Superiority and arrogance - to cover the feeling of not being good enough.
Perhaps you think:
I'm not good enough I am not allowed be here It is better, if I am not not here What's wrong with me since she/he dosen´t like me? Nobody likes me. Even though some are friendly, it's just their shape. I'm not worthy of love.."
Shame is a vulnerable field to move in.
You can crawl along the panels or you can switch over to the other side and become an exhibitionistic: By making yourself visible wherever and whenever it is possible.
It can sometimes feel like:
Icing on the inside, the body stops breathing and stiffens ... I'm starting to look for a resort, I want to get out! NOW! But no, there is no way out. There never is. The body pulls together and a touch of nausea is spreading.
Getting out of shame can be creepy, scary, fascinating and liberating!
Liberating as in being free to:
Be exactly who you are Do or stop doing what you do now Say what comes out of one's mouth - or to be quiet Look like you do - with or without clothes continue the list ...
Get ready to date right now meeting the one and only: (visualization)
Sit on a chair. Feel your sitting bones, legs and feet.
Imagine a friendly person standing by your side.
Imagine the person swinging a magic wand (like the fairy in Cinderella) 5 times over your head, counting down from 5-4-3-2-1 as you slowly breathe in and out.
Imagine you are now on your next date:
Imagine that you've got good chemistry, that it is relaxed and cozy. Do you talk together all the time or are you also okay with silence? What kind of man / woman are you dating? How do you react? Are both of you asking good questions? Is it casual, cozy, fun, nice?
How is it felt in the body? (cold, heat, expansion, tingling, ect) And/,or what mood does it give you inside?
Practise this visualization over and over. Then it is possible that you will attract your next good date into your life who may become your next boyfriend/girlfriend.
Vulnerability and dating: Do you hold back. Does the relationship develop bit by bit and then it ends time and time again... Our brain takes care of us and therefore does as we usually do.
Do you dare stand by your feelings to get involved ? You cannot both commit and look after yourself at the same time...
Create conversations that builds trust.
It is not only the other person who has to show that they want you.
If you don't really give some of yourself, try giving a little more of yourself even if you are scared.
Stand by your vulnerability. Do you become insecure because the other is not texting you in the evening?
Find your emotional need and communicate it instead of pulling away / keep silent.
Say what you find difficult and tell what you need, to make you feel more comfortable.
You cannot be cool when entering into a relationship. In doing so, you are lying to yourself.
Make a decision and take responsibility when you feel you find the other person interesting. When you start to get feeling for the other person. Communicate what will make you feel safe and tell what you want...
When we date, we hold a small part of each other's lives in eachothers hands
When you start to build a relationship, it's healthy to talk about where the relationship is headed.
I feel xxxxx, my story is xxxx, ....
Men have a natural wanting to show care and deliver to the woman but they need to know what they can do…
Remember there is often potential when dating
Break your pattern and do something else. You are the driver of your own life and you've got a goal.
If you are triggered by old experiences, then regulate and try to continue the relationship and do the opposite of what you usually do.
Don't let your instinctive reactions decide
Take responsibility for your own voularbility. And express it. If there are mistakes talk about it in the relationship.
Talk about it if the other person has done something that can make you retreat. We all make mistakes, when we are trying to get to know another person. Commitment is that the other person is willing to accomdate you if possible.
If you get a feeling that the other person is retreating. Say that you get a feeling that the other is holding back. Say you could be wrong but you would like to know if something is going on...
Say what you observe. I'm feeling this, tell me where you are right now. What do you need from me right now...
I you are holding back because you are afraid that you will not be met then you have do dare to be vounarble.
If no-one dares to take the next step, theres a change that the relationship will not develop. Tip toeing around eachother can actually making yourself or the other person loose interest. You have to take a jump into the relationship instead of izibitzy tiny steps.
It takes a lot of courage to be vounarble. When you show your own voularbility there's a possibility vthat the other person also will show his/her voularbility.
Tell the person that you need honesty when you are dating.
The most loving thing you can do to yourself and the other person is to be honest....
I'm a single mother and I am dating. I can tap into the feminine, but because I am a single parent I'm feeling that men can precieve me a little unavailable, because I don't have much time to date, go on weekend trips with a boyfriend, go out for dinner and to visit vinebars at weekends ect. I've got some ambivalent attatchment style. Any advise ?
Answer: I would say you have to look at the men you are dating. If the man 1) Dosent have any children himself 2) Have been single for a long time 3) Is divorced with children but doesn't spend much time with his own children
then they proberly are used to having more free time to hang out ect. and this could be the reason why they disappear / don't want to go any further with you.
But there ARE single men, who are more family oriented and who got the same values as yourself.
I would suggest that you look at your dating vision and your love vision again, adjust it and start practise visualising how it feels to be with sush a guy, who is more suited for you and who is more family oriented.
Love vision: If you've got some ambivalent attatchmentstyle IT is important to put elements in the vision that gives a calm nerveussystem. That it is clear, that you are together with the right person. When visualising the dating phase, that you are calm inside and that you are able to live your daily life.
Also make sure that the man got some of the same interests as yourself.
You can also seek a therapist to help you to get even more into secure attatchment.
You like the smell of guys or girls who are wrong for you romantically. When our hormones are balanced and healthy and when (biochemically speaking) we’re on the hunt for a baby daddy (which means you! It doesn’t matter if you never want kids or if you aren’t attracted to men. If you’re ovulating, your body goes through the biochemical hunt for a good reproductive partner every month), we are primed to be attracted to men to whom we are genetically dissimilar, which lowers the chance of miscarriage and increases the likelihood of having a healthy baby. It also tends to make for more satisfying sex and happier relationships.
Studies show that if you are on the pill, you are more likely to gravitate toward men who smell like you (possibly because the pill simulates pregnancy and pregnant women are drawn toward nurturing and supportive biological relatives, or folks who smell like them). In this way, the pill acts like an anti-cupid, steering you away from your ideal romantic match.
You become less attractive to the opposite or same sex. Pheromones are chemical messengers released by the body—and research shows that women’s pheromones can, quite literally, cast a spell over men and women when it comes to romance. Pheromones act as a sort of ‘love potion’ when they are released, increasing a person’s attraction to a women.
But studies show that the pill stops production of these attraction-enhancing pheromones, and that might have negative consequences for your romantic and sexual life.
It might make your attraction to your current partner disappear. If you start a relationship when you’re on the pill then you may find, if and when you come off, that you’re no longer attracted to your partner. One study found that unless your mate is considered conventionally good-looking by evolutionary standards, you may then find them unattractive after you quit taking hormonal birth control. Here is what study author Michelle Russell told Time magazine in 2014:
“Women who choose a partner when they’re on hormonal contraceptives and then stop taking them will prioritize their husband’s attractiveness more than they would if they were still on it. The effect that it would have on her marital satisfaction would carry more weight.”
You can risk that you are no longer attracted to your partner. Pheromones are important - also when you are dating.
This will make any man - even the most girlfriend starved man stop dating you...
If you as a woman are making the man an object for/of your whises and your desires
The other gets the experience/impression, that you:
- crave a boyfriend or, - that you are looking for a father to your unborn children or, - you would like a bonus dad for your children or, - you want a room mate, because you can not stand being alone,or - if you are looking for a boyfriend to fill the hole inside of yourself,
then he will loose interest ....!!!!
Instead you can make him feel very special by giving him compliments!
But not compliments on his appearance or compliments on his career or for something that he owns ..
No, you need to give him compliments on his qualities, on who he is as a man and the way he behaves.
Example: "You are completely different from other men I have met. You are so patient, calm and kind. I just love that / I am really impressed with that" ...
Note: If you do not mean your compliment, or you only give it to achieve something, then you are better off by not giving the compliment...
I have a hard time choosing something from the love vision and insert it as a profile text on any. dating site. And should the selected text stand alone or should something be written before and / or after? I totally agree with sorting out the guys who are not "a match" ...
Answer: You tell a story where you create a mood - it can just be a completely ordinary morning, noon or evening mood. Depending on how the scenario you put in from the love vision starts, you can just start with this - and then you finish with a normal text
I have practiced writing a dating profile so it clearly sorts those out who dont match. I am clearly interested in spiritual topics, I am also a Qigong instructor and I write that Ive got a holistic view of a man. No one, as in No One responds or comnents on this. My doubt is now, how clear I should be about this? I see quite a few men who write about this interest - that they meditate etc. I find it challenging and would love to hear your opinion.
Answer: With regard of spiritual men, then there are several things you can consider:
1. Go to spiritual dating sites 2. Know that many men are spiritual without talking about it. Without really thinking about it. They may have a high consciousness and a humanity, but it is an integreated part of them, that they do not "cultivate" but are. If you ask these men if they are spiritual, most will answer, no not really - although some of them may be more spiritual than declared spiritual When you write that you have a holistic view of human beings, they might just think "Fine, I have that too". Incidentally, it is better to show that you have a holistic view of human beings. Many men can be "lured" into spiritual activities if they can see the purpose of it. For some, they must be able to see the benefits, for example tantra which focuses on both the spiritual and the sexual. A book on sex and meditation also contains a lot of good exercises where one can get some spiritual elements into the togetherness (there is much more spirituality than sex those books). Is it important that the man is equally interested in the spiritual topics? Then describe a scenario from your love vision that shows this.
For some, it makes a lot of sense, who it is and they can use this in the dating process. For example, if it was the ex-boyfriend, grandmother, your dog you had as a child, then it may be important to remember to have that love / protection / care / joy for yourself with you in the process.
For others, the helper means less or nothing. Do not try to interpret everything, just ask yourself: What does this mean to my dating process? "Maybe the answer will come right away, maybe in a few days, while you are standing at the bus stop. Maybe there will be no answer. Then it is probably not important.
My dog is my helper: She helps me to get some good breaks in my daily life out in nature, so I am more in my feminine energy when I am with my boyfriend
I've started dating again. It is my first time at dating site as a woman in her fourtises.
A man wrote me a message right away. I was a bit suspicious about his picture, because he looked a little "angry"... I have had a bad yo-yo relationship with an man who sometimes could be very dismissive, grumpy and critical in his way of talking to me and sometimes very attentive. So I knew, I deffently didn't want to meet a man like that again.
I told this man, that I thought, that he looked a little "angry/grumpy" in his picture.
He said "oh, it's properly because I've got blinded by the sun when the photo was taken". "Let's meet and you can check me out for real."
So we met for a walk in the park.
He was very nice and nothing like my ex. I felt very at ease in his presens and felt attracted to him at the same time.
Mateo writes, “Hi Susan, Thank you so much, your videos are truly amazing. So rare to see someone able to find the "words"! Here is my question. I am a hypersensitive guy, smart (maybe too much?), and idealistic. I have some success with women, but I feel like this sensitivity and intelligence quickly become obstacles. Is it harder for sensitive and intelligent people to build a relationship and to find love?”
Good advice when you are single and going on dates
1. Meet rejections with warmth and understanding As a sensitive person, you are typically more affected by rejection. Both of others' rejection of you and of having to reject another yourself. Try to face the discomfort - your own and the other's discomfort - with warmth and without condemnation of yourself or the other.
It will enable you to relate more consciously, clarified and strongly to the pain you and the other are going through.
2. Plan self-care for difficult situations If after a date you are shaken, hurt, disappointed or feel self-critical, it is good to have thought in advance about what you want to do: What makes you open your heart again? How do you calm down? What thoughts should you think? What actions build you up? Who should you talk to? - and who are you not talking to? Be aware of what support you can give yourself and what support you need from others. Write if necessary. in advance a loving and supportive letter to yourself with important messages that you need to remember when you are having a hard time.
3 Practice showing confidence, joy and warmth in your relationship with yourself You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life - no matter who your partner becomes. When you are overstimulated or have negative emotions, you can try to treat yourself as lovingly as possible. Hereby you accustom your brain and your psyche to maintain calm. You train your ability not to get upset when something is difficult - it will not only benefit you here and now, but also strengthen you to cope with challenges in a future relationship.
4. Make room for the many different emotions. Some sensitive people feel very hurt over a previous relationship. Others tell them that they must learn to "let go and move on." But it can be a deep and painful process, when one's emotional life is more intense. Not least for the sensitive, who have had a stressful childhood. Give yourself understanding and acceptance, that it can be a long process for you to heal the wounds of the past. Perhaps you will feel some relief when you allow yourself both to feel the sadness of the past and to open yourself just as quietly to what you yourself can do in the future. Do not climb, but take small affordable steps.