|
|
Post by iz42 on Aug 30, 2019 19:47:05 GMT
Hi all, I'm new and I'm in a painful situation. Would appreciate some support. My DA boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me about a year ago but he wanted to stay friends. I knew this was a bad idea but I was lonely and felt like I didn't have the strength to cut him off. He's dated several other women during this time and he managed to make me extremely jealous but always reappeared and acted like he loved me.
There has been a push-pull dynamic in our relationship for a long time now, despite the fact that it started out 4 years ago with me wanting to keep things casual and him eventually saying he wanted me to be his gf. Things are often good when we are together but then he ignores my texts and refuses to make plans to see me ahead of time. I feel rejected over and over. But then he suddenly pops up and asks me to hang out again. I haven't been AP in other relationships but I have become extremely anxious with him and it's just gotten worse over time. He used to go on benders where he would disappear for days at a time and I wouldn't be able to reach him. So I thought things would improve when he stopped drinking. But he went to rehab and has been sober for about 2 months, and if anything, he's even less responsive now.
I've decided that I have to have no contact and I've set a deadline for that to start soon. I'm going to tell him he has to respect this boundary. I know I have to do it but it feels especially hard because he's been casually seeing new person off and on and and a) I can't stop comparing myself to her - how she's younger, more attractive, etc. and b) my fear is that they're going to become more serious as soon as I stop talking to him. I know it's not my problem but I'm feeling absolutely crushed and I don't know how to let it go. Does anyone have thoughts or suggestions?
|
|
|
|
Post by iz42 on Aug 31, 2019 1:45:56 GMT
This sounds really painful. I'm sorry you're hurting like this. From everything I've read, if he's circling like that, he's probably an FA. Not that it matters so much the classification of avoidants. While it's heartbreaking, I think your plan of NC is a good one. You have to take the time to heal. Comfort yourself in knowing that you've been more than patient with him and have been there for him in ways it doesn't seem like others have... so you're not abandoning him... but it's on him to take control and heal himself. If you stay, you're just going to continue to be hurt and a victim of the abusive situation he keeps putting himself through. I've experienced trying to stay friends with exes of various levels when they're dating someone else, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone if you still have strong feelings and are attached. It's painful. It delays healing, and it's just torture honestly. You have to free yourself of those things before you could even think about a friendship. I totally get the comparison factor. I've historically been very bad about this due to my internal narrative that I'm not good enough. Yet recently, I dove in and did the work to find out where that narrative comes from... and while it hasn't solved everything, I can say it helps — and it might help you too. Also keep in mind how amazing you are, and make those lists of your good qualities... even if you start small at the beginning. Finally, I think it's super important to remember that until he heals himself, he's going to have terrible relationships — they won't work out. No matter if she's younger, more attractive, more successful, or whatever. They may seem successful at first, but the cycle won't end until he starts to take care of himself and make changes. Sure, he might be more or less triggered with someone, but the root of the issues are still there, torturing him (and others in his life) until he takes care of them. It doesn't make it all any easier... but the important thing is to give yourself the space to heal and cleanse the toxicity out of your life. If he works on himself during this time, who knows what can happen in the future, but he has to do that before there's a chance of a successful relationship — with you or with anyone. Sending the best to you... this stuff is so soul crushing. Thank you so much. It's been incredibly hard and I'm struggling with depression largely as a result. I think you're right that he has a lot of FA tendencies. I'm not sure, but he's shown both dismissive and fearful behaviors at times. He talks a lot about how he doesn't need relationships in his life and it's always me being needy. I really appreciate your thoughtful comment. |
|
|
|
Post by dhali on Aug 31, 2019 3:53:06 GMT
I don’t know why you don’t just go immediately to no contact. What’s going to happen in the next 2 weeks? I get that this an attachment forum, but why are you wasting your time? I hope you realize you can’t change a person, and the other person (and maybe you) are not suited for a healthy relationship. All your focus should be on working to move forward without your ex. Starting now. Your ex is irrelevant to your happiness, yet highly relevant to your unhappiness. Why try and force your will on it to be different? That doesn’t work
|
|
|
|
Post by iz42 on Aug 31, 2019 4:26:37 GMT
I don’t know why you don’t just go immediately to no contact. What’s going to happen in the next 2 weeks? I get that this an attachment forum, but why are you wasting your time? I hope you realize you can’t change a person, and the other person (and maybe you) are not suited for a healthy relationship. All your focus should be on working to move forward without your ex. Starting now. Your ex is irrelevant to your happiness, yet highly relevant to your unhappiness. Why try and force your will on it to be different? That doesn’t work I want to have a face-to-face conversation to explain what I'm doing and tell him I can't be friends with him. I know that might seem silly or pointless but it's what I want to do. I'm out of town so it can't happen immediately. In the meantime I won't be contacting him. I've been working with a therapist and I don't feel the need to explain myself beyond that. Perhaps I'm wasting my time but I feel better already after making the decision. I feel stronger and like I'm reclaiming my life. I'm not sure why you think I'm forcing him to be different here. I feel like you're making some assumptions. Why do you think I may not be suited for a healthy relationship? I'm doing a lot of hard work on myself and reflecting on what went wrong. I've made a plan and I'm going to follow through with it. It's taken me months to work up the courage to do this and I know I owe it to myself to cut him out of my life. |
|
|
|
Post by averyleigh on Aug 31, 2019 19:07:05 GMT
I don’t know why you don’t just go immediately to no contact. What’s going to happen in the next 2 weeks? I get that this an attachment forum, but why are you wasting your time? I hope you realize you can’t change a person, and the other person (and maybe you) are not suited for a healthy relationship. All your focus should be on working to move forward without your ex. Starting now. Your ex is irrelevant to your happiness, yet highly relevant to your unhappiness. Why try and force your will on it to be different? That doesn’t work I want to have a face-to-face conversation to explain what I'm doing and tell him I can't be friends with him. I know that might seem silly or pointless but it's what I want to do. I'm out of town so it can't happen immediately. In the meantime I won't be contacting him. I've been working with a therapist and I don't feel the need to explain myself beyond that. Perhaps I'm wasting my time but I feel better already after making the decision. I feel stronger and like I'm reclaiming my life. I'm not sure why you think I'm forcing him to be different here. I feel like you're making some assumptions. Why do you think I may not be suited for a healthy relationship? I'm doing a lot of hard work on myself and reflecting on what went wrong. I've made a plan and I'm going to follow through with it. It's taken me months to work up the courage to do this and I know I owe it to myself to cut him out of my life. Hi there, Maybe I am wrong for feeling this way, but this isn’t about him anymore and it is about you. I don’t think you need to announce to him what you are planning to do and it is more important that you start working on you asap. You not responding will say it all really. I can’t imagine your conversation two weeks from now will be any different from your previous painful conversations about ending with him. I think it’s important to stop talking about it and prolonging the pain you’ve mentioned and just focus on you. You can really use those two weeks to heal. |
|
|
|
Post by iz42 on Aug 31, 2019 19:40:01 GMT
averyleigh In the past when I have gone NC without notice he has circled back, saying stuff like "will you contact me when you're ready?" He even sent me a letter when I blocked him. I'm prepared to block him again and not respond, but I want him to know that I don't want him to contact me under any circumstances and circling back is not going to work this time. I guess I also want to feel like I'm taking control of the situation and making it clear what I want instead of accommodating him. It probably sounds like I'm making excuses and justifying this decision to have a conversation, and I appreciate the feedback. I will give it some thought. I know I haven't handled this whole situation very well. I should never have agreed to be his girlfriend in the first place, but I have learned a lot about attachment styles in the process. I would like to say that I will see red flags in the future if a similar dynamic starts to emerge. Having space to think while I'm out of town has been helpful. I guess I will just block him today.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2019 23:36:47 GMT
It's pointless to analyze the attachment style of a serious alcoholic. He's got a raging addiction that is extremely serious. Your problem is your own codependency, and it's serious.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Sept 1, 2019 1:46:59 GMT
iz42, are you familiar with al-anon at all?
|
|
|
|
Post by iz42 on Sept 1, 2019 5:44:59 GMT
alexandra I am involved with CRAFT, which is a non-religious alternative to al anon. I also attend SMART recovery meetings for family and friends. motivationandchange.com/outpatient-treatment/for-families/craft-overview/ I have been to al anon and in the past and have spent quite a bit of time there. Some of the concepts have certainly been useful. I know it helps a lot of people but the spiritual/religious aspect of 12 step programs really isn't for me. Through CRAFT, I worked on supporting healthy behaviors and removing myself altogether when he was drinking. With the support of me and his family, he got into rehab several months ago and seems dedicated to maintaining his sobriety. However, I have done all I can and I no longer want to be part of his life. @sherry I know that his alcoholism is a big problem. As I said, I honestly thought he might die. My sense is that uses drinking as a way of distancing and soothing himself. Addiction is complicated and I feel that people who use substances should not be immediately stigmatized. Of course their behavior cannot be excused or written off either, but they are often coping or self medicating in some way. I've tried to understand our relationship better through attachment styles and I find it very helpful. And I have come to the point where I have decided that I have to cut off contact and plan to keep it that way. I'm going to be working through my own issues because I know there was a codependent dynamic involved. I find that there are a lot of similarities between AP and codependent behavior and I'm trying to sort that all out right now. Despite his addiction, it is clear to me that he has an avoidant attachment style, I became anxious, and that we kept going in a cycle.
|
|
|
|
Post by averyleigh on Sept 1, 2019 8:24:16 GMT
averyleigh In the past when I have gone NC without notice he has circled back, saying stuff like "will you contact me when you're ready?" He even sent me a letter when I blocked him. I'm prepared to block him again and not respond, but I want him to know that I don't want him to contact me under any circumstances and circling back is not going to work this time. I guess I also want to feel like I'm taking control of the situation and making it clear what I want instead of accommodating him. It probably sounds like I'm making excuses and justifying this decision to have a conversation, and I appreciate the feedback. I will give it some thought. I know I haven't handled this whole situation very well. I should never have agreed to be his girlfriend in the first place, but I have learned a lot about attachment styles in the process. I would like to say that I will see red flags in the future if a similar dynamic starts to emerge. Having space to think while I'm out of town has been helpful. I guess I will just block him today. Dear iz42, Thanks for the reply love. I am sorry you are going through this. In order for him to be able to circle back is because you allow it. Sorry to have to say this but you really need to hear this because you are speaking to someone who has been in your situation. In order for there to be any change, you have the be the change. Not talk to him about it, not talk about or planning on doing it. I assume you are delaying this because you are fearful of letting go, and that is understandable but the longer you delay this and stay in contact, it will make it worse for the both of you. When you change your ways, he will be forced to do the same. The hardest part for you is to understand your life isn’t about saving others, especially now, you need to save yourself and get out. Block/NC Don’t ever delay your own codependent recovery for anyone else. He is not more worthy of your own love and care than you. |
|
|
|
Post by iz42 on Sept 1, 2019 11:58:37 GMT
I blocked him. I just want to say that I appreciate all the comments. at this point I would appreciate advice about how to move forward and take care of myself. I know that I have to make a complete break with him on a very deep level and there is no part of me that wants to save him at this point. If anything, I do feel the need to save myself now and want to follow that instinct. That’s why I came to this forum. The main reason that I’ve held off this long is that I have been lonely and depressed. I know how ridiculous that sounds but I moved recently and don’t have many friends - not super easy in my mid 30s but I’m working on it. Also because I’ve been afraid to assert myself and tell him that this isn’t working for me and I can’t do this anymore. I’ve never actually told him that before. averyleigh I think there are different ways to handle ending things, and for now he is blocked, but it does feel potentially empowering for me to have a conversation in the future in which I tell him that I’m done for good. With no expectations or concerns for how he might react. I’ve seen other threads where people have discussed different approaches and I will decide what to do once I have cleared my head and had more space to think and talk with my therapist. I understand where you’re coming from. This is a process and I’m getting there. At some level it is partly about talking and planning because I’ve had to do a lot of work to be ready to let him go. Obviously there is much more to be done to become more secure. For now I’m going to move forward with no contact and work on very basic self care. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2019 13:02:59 GMT
Maybe have a look at what events are going on in your local area. Going to events you will meet people who share the same interests as you.
Why would you want to have a conversation with him in the future to tell him your done? Allow your actions to speak louder. Cut contact and move forward.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2019 14:37:07 GMT
I'm not stigmatizing him for an addiction. I'm pointing out your codependency. That is all. Your part in this toxic relationship is very codependent/AP, and requires your attention. In this thread you came trying to understand him but really, alcoholic, ,DA, FA, you pursue a man who is blatantly unavailable to you and seeing other women.
All you need to do is figure out why you do that, it's not as important as why he does that. You can figure him out all day long but why bother when he's unstable and involved with other women?
But I see you have come down to that throughout the thread.
|
|
|
|
Post by averyleigh on Sept 1, 2019 16:50:00 GMT
I blocked him. I just want to say that I appreciate all the comments. at this point I would appreciate advice about how to move forward and take care of myself. I know that I have to make a complete break with him on a very deep level and there is no part of me that wants to save him at this point. If anything, I do feel the need to save myself now and want to follow that instinct. That’s why I came to this forum. The main reason that I’ve held off this long is that I have been lonely and depressed. I know how ridiculous that sounds but I moved recently and don’t have many friends - not super easy in my mid 30s but I’m working on it. Also because I’ve been afraid to assert myself and tell him that this isn’t working for me and I can’t do this anymore. I’ve never actually told him that before. averyleigh I think there are different ways to handle ending things, and for now he is blocked, but it does feel potentially empowering for me to have a conversation in the future in which I tell him that I’m done for good. With no expectations or concerns for how he might react. I’ve seen other threads where people have discussed different approaches and I will decide what to do once I have cleared my head and had more space to think and talk with my therapist. I understand where you’re coming from. This is a process and I’m getting there. At some level it is partly about talking and planning because I’ve had to do a lot of work to be ready to let him go. Obviously there is much more to be done to become more secure. For now I’m going to move forward with no contact and work on very basic self care. Hi iz42, I think it takes immense courage to write about this and ask for help, it means you are ready for change. One day at a time. I respect your choice in how you want to handle your exit from your relationship. The best way to describe it is if I knew my friend was about to fall into a trap that I had fallen into before/had hurt myself, I’d scream out to tell them to walk the other way. That was just my instinctual advice. I’m sorry if it came off brash. I remember feeling like a shell of myself after going through so many cycles. I forgot who I was and what I had to offer; for a long time I made my self worth based on how much he showed cared for or needed me...that was hard for me to adjust my compass and took lots of work. I turned to music and art and lots of reading. At first I was obsessive about reading about attachment theory and his attachment style then one day it just dawned on me, to be reading up on mine. Then it took a while after that to realize that I shouldn’t be shameful about my attachment style, the more I understood myself, the more room I had inside to forgive and let go. I started to revisit the initial wound and created a new journey for myself. I realized my dysfunctional and toxic saga with him was a placeholder for the initial wound/fears of abandonment. I started opening up to family/ issues I had been avoiding and tried to work on those relationships. Most importantly I learned to be kind to myself. I didn't realize I had a constant negative narrative running in my head that made me believe I deserved so little. It had been my background soundtrack for so long, I didn’t know it existed. In moments I would make a mistake, I would instantly say mean things to myself, (I didn’t even realize I was doing this, continuing the work of an old narrative of my abusers/family) I stopped myself and substituted it with the something positive. I spoke to myself with the love and care as I would to my best friend or a younger version of me. Months later, things became clearer to me and I started vibrating differently. My energy wasn’t locked up and I stopped feeling unwanted or shame. I started drawing people who were on the cusp of massive change like myself, who were available for me emotionally. It’s not easy. None of this is easy. I have been struggling recently and that is why I have been so active on this forum. I’m doing personal therapy and am reaching out for help myself through this forum.. By reading about your story and other peoples view points, it’s a reminder of how hard it is to let go and how much I had to struggle to get here. I am finally able to digest and empathize with other DA’s and not see it as us against them. I couldn’t have gotten here without that first day of deciding I was going to be the change and that I come first. |
|
|
|
Post by iz42 on Sept 1, 2019 19:43:19 GMT
@sherry I’m appreciate your feedback. You’re right that the relationship was always toxic and I have no one to blame but myself.
|
|
