FA who just won't open up..at all

Yes, it's also very helpful in order to depersonalize the behavior. When you are on the receiving end of this (especially for the first time ever) it can feel very disorienting and like you've done something wrong but don't know what. Once you know it's part of a broader pattern (that you may or may not be contributing to, depending on if you switch to walking on eggshells and trying to keep the peace in response), then you can assess if you're okay with it continuing and it meets your needs.

serenity, mostly. I have two of them. They can still get triggered or distant here and there, but since we're not in the daily communication or seeing each other several times a week like when in a relationship, it rolls off. Still doesn't mean I'd go to them for a major extended emergency I needed help with, though. A one time thing sure, but if I needed something consistently for some reason, I'd go to different friends with no history of shutting down.

caro - Hey there, glad you’re in a good place. You’re FA and my DA sound so similar. He’s also super sensitive to criticism, needs reassurance and needs space after intimacy or opening up. He was only comfortable with physical intimacy but after things I said recently I don’t think he could trust to do physical either.

Since mine was being more vulnerable and open the last couple of months I felt more bold to ask for more. As you can imagine, that eventually backfired as I was triggered one night, I sent him more demanding texts. I told him he had to make a choice- he responded w nothing and when I pressed he told me to move on and please stop texting. Of course pushing an avoidant gets you nowhere...and the honest words I said won’t be easily forgotten by him (going back to that sensitivity) but would be deep criticism. So I went from wanting more to getting nothing.

I know a lot of people would say not a loss bc he wasn’t giving much anyway, but he was meeting my need for attachment. Something I’ve pursued my whole life. I wanted more, but as an AP I was conditioned to accept less than I wanted/needed in my upbringing. Breadcrumbs to nothing were the norm. I think that’s the reason the AP tolerance can be so high- I have a great need for attachment and I am familiar with less. He still wasn’t willing to leave the house w me since our initial break up and wasn’t initiating contact. However, I haven’t found anyone else I prefer to be with...even in spite of his avoidance.

The phantom ex thing is frustrating. I briefly had a mildly DA bf in my early 20's, he totally idealised his `perfect ex' whilst acting dissmissive and critical towards me. It used to make me feel like I was doing something wrong/could never be good enough.

A few years later, I met his new girlfriend out shopping. She said she knew me from photos at my exes place and `he always goes on about you'. `And' (she said) `I look like you too! I'm so mad!' So I told her I though she was prettier than me (she was) and when we were together, he in no way made me feel special. He would always rant about his ex as well.

That guy still puts me on a pedastool till this day, but its so annoying, if I ever went back to him he'd treat me like garbage again.

It does seem so faith . Might also be the case that when there's no longer a threat of intimacy, DA's can genuinely fully appreciate and love their exes again? The one's I've known are extremely sentimental about any woman who genuinely loved them, even if it was decades ago.    

I agree with you, 8675309. (I have no idea how to tag posters.)

Even before reading about attachment styles, I was aware that being in a relationship can change people.  Sometimes for the best. Sometimes not. A perfectly secure person (I saw them then as confident, having high self-esteem) can morph into a jealous, suspicious lover in a short period of time.  Conversely, I have seen some with what I believed to be low confidence levels get into relationships and blossom.  Always, the person can easily explain the turn of events, the changes. In the first case, the newly created anxious will tell you that the relationship is not working due to A, B and C. That his/her partner is doing/not doing D, E and F. Like me now. In the second case, the newly secure person will be singing praises about his/her partner. Usually these praises will include ways in which the new partner has supported him/her to do things, to feel things, to express POVs, etc. The newly secure person blooms like a flower. 

We have reached the point where we decide which way to turn. Bf and I. I told him in the email that we are at a crossroads and must make decisions. My anxiety doesn't go as far as accepting that the status quo remain the same. I think that secure people do get really confused and very anxious because they don't know what they are dealing with. They may get anxious (as in my case now) or avoidant (like I did in my marriage) but the conditions do not last very long before the situation comes to a head. An AP could stay in that situation because he/she is somehow able to make the longing, the constant worry, the plotting how to achieve A or B with their avoidant partner - all those things can become "the relationship". They can become evidence of the existence of the relationship. A secure person would be extremely uncomfortable with those things and would see them as evidence that something is wrong. 

Yes. I think I explained it a bit in an earlier post.

Some of the things he does, things I now know are because of being FA, actually work for me. His independence works for me. He has no need to be with me 24/7. I do not want a relationship where we spend a lot of time together due to my other obligations. When I think of my own needs vs. what he is giving me, I am perfectly alright with him not needing/wanting to spend the night with me all the time, for example. 

In my culture, formal relationships come with certain obligations. For us women, the first is putting the man first. You become responsible for ensuring he eats well, you handle his domestic business like dry cleaning, shopping, etc. This is one of the hallmarks of a formal relationship in my part of the world. Fortunately for me, I found someone who doesn't require my 24/7 care as proof of love. Another obligation comes when you have been introduced to, and accepted by, his family.  You are invited to all functions and expected to show up. You can skip one or two but it is an obligation you can't run away from. My FA bf is reluctant to introduce me to his family. I have gone through many reasons in my mind. All were plausible but didn't make sense given our discussions. I did get a sense that all is not right over on his side and that it is this that may be causing the reluctance. He always speaks very well of his family though. Have you ever got the sense that even though someone is saying all the right things about his/her family something is missing? I got that before I ever read about avoidants. 

He has no need to text me every interesting thought that he has. One of the things I hate about dating is the constant texting about everything and nothing. The whole idea of running a relationship via text message is not something I understand. I have dated guys who are text terrorists. Always texting something and demanding responses. Reacting to a non-response in a very weird way. Reading into delays and building mountains out of molehills. My bf has never over texted me and I liked this about the relationship. There is no pressure.

When we are together, we are together. He literally switches of his phone and watch and whatever else to give me his full attention. His ability to focus 100% when we are together has allowed us to have deep talks. Maybe not as revealing as they could have been with a secure but revealing enough. I used to be less attentive with him at the beginning. My phone constantly buzzing with work or kids' stuff. I could multi-task. I had to learn to stop and be in the moment. Keep in mind that I knew nothing of attachment styles at the time. I am telling you how I saw it then. Without really thinking about it, I realised that I needed to pay full attention to him, to what he was saying, otherwise I wouldn't get answers to questions. Now I know that it is not so much a decision to be in the moment driving him. It is not so much wanting to give me attention because he loves me. It is more of wanting to concentrate in order to manage his feelings (probably wanting to be anywhere else) and perhaps also ensuring that he says or does nothing that will reveal too much. It is a control mechanism. Be that as it may, it has its good sides as I have explained.

I could go on. But that is what I meant by maybe needing to analyse why I do not want a conventional relationship, why things that many people would find unsatisfying work for me right now and see if this in some way allowed me to stay in this situation for such a long time. So far all I can come up with is that it can't be wrong of me to want the kind of relationship that suits my needs. My needs are my needs. I need space. I need us to go slow (we are slower than a snail). I need a relationship that is not an additional burden on my time. But I also need some form of structure that is missing. It is the lack of structure, the not actively agreeing together on what we are, that is uncomfortable for me. 

For me, the worst thing about dating my FA bf is the inability to talk through things. That there is an invisible but real barrier in place when I want to bring up issues is the killer for me. How can you resolve anything one way or the other if you cannot talk about it?