FA who just won't open up..at all

An interesting list of distancing techniques. Thank you. Some I have experienced with my bf. Some I actually engage in. The keeping of secrets. The need not to be easily figured out, to keep some mystery if only as a way to keep something to myself if things go wrong. If I don't put all my eggs in the one basket (my bf), then I won't lose them all should the basket fall down...is the thought process behind the secrecy and holding back for me. Wow. Bf and I are playing a game using a few of the same tactics. 

The refusal to have sex by my FA bf is not that clear on the surface. He uses work as his shield. He now also uses physical distance as his shield. Very easy to do because we are in an LTR. I just now realised that this technique is very much alive in our interaction. I read about this trait but it didn't click properly. Now I can see it clearly in my relationship. Oddly enough, after spending 4 days with me a few months ago, he refused to kiss me goodbye because he had a "mouth sore". I saw no cold sore and I was perplexed. This was our last morning together. I noticed him pulling back. Changed the way he spoke to me. Gone was the loving and needy person he had been for days. Instead I was getting the official version, the friend. If we lived together, perhaps the refusal to have sex would become more obvious. 

Flirting and having affairs is not a problem for us. Hasn't been so far. Having an affair is a deal breaker for me. He knows this. I thought that he was too busy to have an affair. I also got the impression that it is not easy for him to get physically (as in love making) with another person. If he had an affair, I would end our relationship without wasting time. I would know that he chose his actions knowing fully well the outcome. It matters not the reasons why, be it avoidance or pure lust and a lack of self-control. The outcome is the same to me.

i see. i understand - i also come from an asian culture in which the man (usually) comes first, despite my relatively modern upbringing. i went for men who did NOT want me to stick around and perform the dutiful wife part. I know deep down inside that if a man does not demonstrate that he loves me enough to "protect" me from these duties i.e., not expect it from me or loves me enough to say don't trouble yourself, I will never commit to him even if I was willing to perform this role to the right person. I wanted it to be my choice, as his benefit, not as an entitlement. I don't think what you're doing is wrong at all - it's very understandable; it's just somewhat limiting unless he is very willing to work on his own issues. 

the first ex i wanted to marry was exactly the same - everything is great but there's an inability to talk about anything = there's no relationship. i could not move on with him despite both our families agreeing it's the best marriage ever (?). Nothing can be resolved, simply because the conversation can't even start. it's extremely frustrating. This inability to have conversations is a very clear indication of emotional unavailability. We can't do very much about that, but you have suggested that you are somewhat as well. I think that's something worth thinking about your own emotional unavailability and how it is bouncing off his. From what I read, your practical needs are fulfilled because he is somewhat emotionally unavailable, but it seems like your emotional needs cannot be fully met (no real discussions about real issues). On some level, you indicate that you are not quite ready to have your emotional needs met by others as well, the way I read it, as you've suggested your own avoidance. To be with someone whose practical behaviors suit your lifestyle requirements because of emotional unavailability will make for a compatible but unsatisfying relationship. 

I am somewhat emotionally unavailable if that means being cautious about falling in love and giving myself to someone 100%. My view is based on my life experiences. Marrying a seemingly perfect man for me who turned out to be the exact opposite had consequences. Bad ones. But it is a very valid point you make.

Being with an FA meets my need for taking things slow. My need not to give myself away wholesale to someone else not knowing who he really is. But when I think of my emotional needs, I realise that an FA may not cut it. I need companionship that includes good conversation, a person I know that I can count on for advice and support, etc. Sex is extremely important to me as a mutual bonding thing. All these things are somewhat compromised when dealing with an FA. I see that now. While my bf and I have great conversations, great sex and he is very supportive of me, he does these things when he wants to. Not when I necessarily when I need him to. His disappearing acts are inconvenient for me. I am left on my own with zero support, zero intimacy, and when I try to talk, zero conversation. 

One thing that has come out of this thread, something so unexpected for me, is that I definitely need to see a therapist myself. I need to talk out my beliefs and needs and have someone independent and professional point out where I am mixing up issues, misidentifying things and more. As I respond to your questions, I realise that some of my beliefs were adopted without really thinking about them. Like an auto response to my fears based on my marriage. I am scared of men, I suspect. Still think that seemingly wonderful men can turn into monsters. That the signs a man will turn into a monster include anger, asking me too many questions about my work, and so many other things that may actually be normal and not indicative of NPD type behaviour. 

Ever since I started this thread, some unwelcome though necessary self-analysis has been going on. Why did I bond with my FA bf? When did it happen? I remember it very clearly. It was after he had ghosted me for almost a year and we met and talked. It doesn't make sense given the ghosting, right? It wasn't just that we met, it was what we talked about. He opened up about his panic attacks. Is it possible that him doing this made me feel safe with him? Made me think that because he has a known anxiety problem, rather than an unknown psychosis like my ex-husband, I know what I am dealing with? Did the subsequent opening up to me make me feel like I could be of help to this person? I have always wanted to help people in trouble and learned only a few years ago to scale back. My family say that I love to make people "causes". I did. It is true. But I worked hard on changing that and succeeded. Is it possible that my FA bf is another cause and that if and when he gets better, I will feel like I have done my part and consequently fall out of love with him? These are the uncomfortable thoughts I have been having lately. I have no clue what the answers to these questions are. I am alarmed that I even have these thoughts but I know that my intuition may be trying to tell me something. 

Culture plays an important role in my situation for sure. There is some advice given here that is not practical in my situation. However, I feel more comfortable discussing my relationship here than with say, my friends or older people. The kind of advice I would get would be in the line of "That is not a big problem.", "Men are like that.", "It is up to the woman to mold a man into the husband she wants.", "If he doesn't want to talk, stop stressing him." and "As long as he is providing for you and your children, whether he beats you up or cheats is immaterial. That is what marriage is. It is meant to be hard." Stuff like that. I get better advice on forums like this than from people around me. I have more relationship goals than merely being married or having someone.

The definition of dating in my world is very different from the one here. When people date in the West, they can be with a number of people at the same time. They do online dating. They can have sex with someone and not be obliged to see the person again. Having sex is not a commitment of any kind. They can date anyone regardless of age, sex, education levels, creed, etc. 

Where I am from, dating has to be done within set parameters. Age, creed, education levels, financial status, family of origin and all those other things that human beings use to separate themselves are in play. My FA bf and I already broke the age rule. I am older than him. We also break the rule about single fatherless men marrying younger, childless women, Otherwise he meets all the other required criteria and so do I for him.

Online dating is anathema to us. Here you do due diligence first. Who is this person? What family is he from? Are they good people? What is their social standing? Two parent or single? If single, why? Where did he/she go to school? What did he/she study? What is his income level? Here, like attracts like. If you date your opposite, your family which has a great say on whether you marry or not, can put a spoke in the wheels. A painful thing to be avoided at all costs. I married against my parents' will. Eloped. Long story. Final outcome? They were right about him based on FOO issues.

Rules about sex are different for men and for women. Men can sleep with whoever they want but they must marry an acceptable person. Women cannot sleep with whoever they want as this is viewed as being loose. Everyone will talk. Especially the men you slept with. Every man wants to sleep around but they all want chaste women. We are still in the 19th century in many way. This means that my dating opportunities are limited. As in three strikes and you are out - sort of thing.

Once a woman is in a relationship, she becomes like a fully-fledged wife in terms of duties. She is expected by everyone to act the part. This is why getting into relationships is not taken lightly because you are essentially giving yourself over with no contract in place. It is your loss (of time and effort) should it come to an abrupt end. Getting into relationships is done after a lot of consideration. You can't have a secret relationship and then spring it on your family that you desire to marry. After you are sure that you have found the one, you begin to make the family rounds. You pray for acceptance. That they like him/her. That your chosen one meets all the criteria adequately. My bf has passed..so far.

There are very good reasons for these rules and while I rebelled when I was younger, I see how they can help protect women here. However, there have been changes that cause friction between traditional values and what actually happens on the dating scene. Almost everyone here believes in educating girls. So we now have highly educated, competent and financial independent women who are then forced to get into a traditional relationship/marriage set up in which they must become submissive to men who are likely less educated and less financially independent. This happened to me. I did it to myself thinking that status doesn't matter, that we are all equal. unfortunately, my ex-husband didn't see it that way. The theme in the power play and violence in my marriage was that I was too westernised and liberal.

To a large extent, being in a relationship with my FA bf, having introduced him to my friends and family, makes staying an obligation. Breaking up with him would raise all sorts of questions that I cannot answer given the true nature of the problem. FA issues are unheard of in these parts. Any mention of FA issues causing a break up would be seen as me being weak, to say the least. I admit that I do not want to seem unstable having gotten out of a marriage and also having had two known relationships that faltered. It is not something on my mind but rather a subconscious thought. An exit will have to be carefully managed for minimum damage.

I am fortunate in that I have ultra-modern parents. They have no need to dictate who I love, what kind of relationship I have, etc. They give advice and do not withhold love if I choose a different path. They have no need to control my life in adulthood - a huge problem for women here. First, as a girl, you are under the control of your parents. Your every choice is vetted and accepted or rejected by them. After university (not acceptable to marry before you have at least one degree), you marry a pre-approved person and now are under the control of one additional person, your husband. After you have kids, you are expected to live your life for them. So you put your parents first, your partner first, your kids first as a rule. You will begin to taste real freedom of choice after your parents are dead, your kids are grown up and hopefully married off, and after your husband has grown old and too tired to want to dictate everything in your life.

So you pick your "controller" with care. You do not have the luxury to find Mr. Right for you. He has to be Mr. Right for everybody. As such FA issues may take a back seat in favour of more practical ones. That may also play into my mindset a bit. As in, makes me more inclined to work on relationship issues however daunting.
 
Please note that I am describing the situation for a particular social class. It is not like this for everyone. It is worse for others. And I am fortunate that my parents actually love each other and are in love. So I have a model for a good and supportive relationship. I am also very financially independent which gives me lots of choices in what I will and won't do. And yet, given all the differences in my particular situation, cultural norms tend to have a profound effect on my life.