jules
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Posts: 142
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Post by jules on Oct 24, 2019 10:13:22 GMT
You're not a fool Stu, although I can relate to that sentiment.
You loved her. She's not good for you, likely not good for anyone as she is right now. This will likely give you that anger bit to truly get over her and heal. In turn, opening yourself up to a more connective relationship down the road
I'm sorry this happened. Sending gigantic hugs. You are very much not alone in your heartache. Several of us are right there with you!
Take gentle care of yourself
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Post by stu on Oct 24, 2019 10:47:54 GMT
You're not a fool Stu, although I can relate to that sentiment. You loved her. She's not good for you, likely not good for anyone as she is right now. This will likely give you that anger bit to truly get over her and heal. In turn, opening yourself up to a more connective relationship down the road I'm sorry this happened. Sending gigantic hugs. You are very much not alone in your heartache. Several of us are right there with you! Take gentle care of yourself Thank you so much Jules. I guess I'm just so confused and disoritented about my thoughts about her. I thought I knew her fairly well and how she is. I knew she deactivated. But her refusul to discuss anything right before she de activated as a result of trying to open a normal serious conversation and then shutting down, and recently trying to get my attention again, while seeing this new guy . And then tonight hearing about it and when I saw her tonight being very rude to me out of nowhere again , did nothing or said nothing to her since i last saw her where she seemed very happy and talked to me plenty and was acting her normal self. She acted repulsed by me tonight without me doing anything at all. And then multiple of my friends saying she is dating someone else and people knew about it but just didn't want to tell me, because they knew I wasn't even talking to her. I just didn't tell them about the situation fully. I mean is it common for an FA to just completely cut someone off and ghost them and then replace them with someone else with no regard to the other person's feelings or connection they had to them whatsoever? It feels like she doesn't respect me at all, and that whatever I was feeling with her and what I thought was a really geniune bond together, was completely different for her own mind. fA issues aside. I just feel a ton of cognitive dissonance hearing about this. I know it's better in the long run that I never open that door again with her anyways, so it's at least a final way of knowing things arr finally over for me anyways. Because I could never take her back after discarding me like that and replacing me with someone else. Even though I reached out more then one occasion. Always being patient and nice with her and very respectful. And all I ever wanted was a conversation to know what was up with each other if we did end things. BUT this whole time I didn't even know that things were over in her mind. I thought she just de activated and was going to come around sooner then later. Of which point I could talk to her about what my needs and wants were if that felt it was in the right place to do. I mean I did so much for this girl and we had so much things together that happened and I thought we grew a lot together and that there was a deep and solid thing between us. But all these thoughts and feelings I had about her. And the guy wrencnjing loss of having her gone, all of that and more it just felt like I was just forgettable and easily replaceable. And what I thought was a strong mutual affinity. Was just a one sided thing. I'm just more confused then ever now. I know she has issues she needs to work out and all, but she has always seemed very self aware to me and was trying to get help for herself. But it really feels like she doesn't really give a shit about how she treats me or a regard for my well being whatsoever with things being how they are now. I didn't think she would do all that and then just see some random new dude and pretend nothing ever happened between me and her and not acknowledge anything whatsoever. I did want to eventually talk to her to get a sense of closure if that was even possible but now I really don't ever want to even see or talk to her again. Because this situation seems really messed up to me. And I'm still having a hard time believing it's actually real. This was the final straw for me to show me she really doesn't deserve me in her life at all. I tried my best and wanted to be there, but I can never look past the way she treated me combined with just replacing me with some random other dude. |
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jules
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Post by jules on Oct 24, 2019 12:15:09 GMT
"I mean is it common for an FA to just completely cut someone off and ghost them and then replace them with someone else with no regard to the other person's feelings or connection they had to them whatsoever"
I cant say from personal experience, but I believe that it is. That said it's also common for them to circle back. Not saying one should take them back. But this is the trend.
A new relationship will be fun and bright until she starts to get feelingsy. Cycle starts and now hes on the receiving end. This has little to do with you and all to do with her.
Closure is closure. It is never really great, is it? Whether we have to conjure it up on our own or if its thus kinda heartless in your face thing. It's usually pretty yuck.
I am presently sitting with my uncomfortable feelings, neither ignoring then nor drowning in them. My closure is realizing that my ex is perfectly fine with me dating others. How I spin that to aid me in this is recognizing that his low self esteem is talking. He knows he cant give me or anyone what they emotionally need. I choose to see it as a gift. Still hurts, but I am only getting better each day.
Spin the positives, it helps.
Be well. Stay busy. Big hug hon.
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Post by stu on Oct 24, 2019 13:35:28 GMT
"I mean is it common for an FA to just completely cut someone off and ghost them and then replace them with someone else with no regard to the other person's feelings or connection they had to them whatsoever" I cant say from personal experience, but I believe that it is. That said it's also common for them to circle back. Not saying one should take them back. But this is the trend. A new relationship will be fun and bright until she starts to get feelingsy. Cycle starts and now hes on the receiving end. This has little to do with you and all to do with her. Closure is closure. It is never really great, is it? Whether we have to conjure it up on our own or if its thus kinda heartless in your face thing. It's usually pretty yuck. I am presently sitting with my uncomfortable feelings, neither ignoring then nor drowning in them. My closure is realizing that my ex is perfectly fine with me dating others. How I spin that to aid me in this is recognizing that his low self esteem is talking. He knows he cant give me or anyone what they emotionally need. I choose to see it as a gift. Still hurts, but I am only getting better each day. Spin the positives, it helps. Be well. Stay busy. Big hug hon. Thanks so much that means a lot Jules, I know that if she ever tried to circle back again I will tell her she pushed me too far to ever consider it. At this point I don't really want to talk to her on a friendly basis either. Things were just too hurtful and disrespectful without any concern of my own well being at all. Such a sucky situation. But I'll work through it the same as you all. Feels a shame it had to end like this but I feel good about putting in my best effort and the growrh I had going through this experience. I'm still so confused over what I learned tonight vs what I thought and felt going on between us for so long. It's so hard to understand anything when you never even get the chance to talk about anything together. |
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Post by dhali on Oct 24, 2019 14:42:25 GMT
I’m sorry you’re going through this. For your mental health, it would probably be best if you disappeared from her life- as much as possible. I wouldn’t engage with her ever again. If she asks you a direct question, just give the essential answer (yes or no, good, thanks sorta stuff). Unfortunately, the scorpion stings. This new/old guy is going to be in the receiving end of it- yet again. It’s only a matter of time (probably not much since this is the second go around for them). That could be you. Yeeesh
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2019 14:54:07 GMT
"I mean is it common for an FA to just completely cut someone off and ghost them and then replace them with someone else with no regard to the other person's feelings or connection they had to them whatsoever" I cant say from personal experience, but I believe that it is. That said it's also common for them to circle back. Not saying one should take them back. But this is the trend. A new relationship will be fun and bright until she starts to get feelingsy. Cycle starts and now hes on the receiving end. This has little to do with you and all to do with her. Closure is closure. It is never really great, is it? Whether we have to conjure it up on our own or if its thus kinda heartless in your face thing. It's usually pretty yuck. I am presently sitting with my uncomfortable feelings, neither ignoring then nor drowning in them. My closure is realizing that my ex is perfectly fine with me dating others. How I spin that to aid me in this is recognizing that his low self esteem is talking. He knows he cant give me or anyone what they emotionally need. I choose to see it as a gift. Still hurts, but I am only getting better each day. Spin the positives, it helps. Be well. Stay busy. Big hug hon. Thanks so much that means a lot Jules, I know that if she ever tried to circle back again I will tell her she pushed me too far to ever consider it. At this point I don't really want to talk to her on a friendly basis either. Things were just too hurtful and disrespectful without any concern of my own well being at all. Such a sucky situation. But I'll work through it the same as you all. Feels a shame it had to end like this but I feel good about putting in my best effort and the growrh I had going through this experience. I'm still so confused over what I learned tonight vs what I thought and felt going on between us for so long. It's so hard to understand anything when you never even get the chance to talk about anything together. I'm sorry you've been hit by this. It's impossible to know exactly what is going on in another person, but I truly believe that when it comes to this stuff, actions speak. Actions speak. I've always regarded ghosting FOR ANY REASON to be a clear statement about a person's inability to engage with another human with adequate regard. If it's because they are scared, ruthless, insensitive, insecure, unstable, conflicted, whatever. It does not matter, when considering what the ghosted deserves in terms of empathy, compassion, communication, respect, dignity, etc. And, there must be a study out there somewhere validating the trend I see here. I haven't searched for one. From what I can observe, ghosting is never (I'll go ahead and say never, exceptions may exist but why gamble with this shit) part of a relationship progression where the ghoster, finally understood and given tolerance by the ghosted, comes around to a healthier state and is able to offer reciprocity and mutual commitment to maintaining a relationship. I'm sorry for your pain, you've been through a lot. You certainly deserve compassion, regard, respect, support. What has helped me in painful situations with people, is to really recognize what love DOES FEEL LIKE and gravitate toward people who make me feel loved. Huge difference between attachment, unrequited love, longing, confusion.... and actual human altruism and love. For me, I had to recognize the difference between being a utility for someone, and actually being loved in an altruistic, genuine way. We each need to find our blind spots when it comes to identifying what love is, and isn't. Perhaps some therapeutic grief support, for life in general considering your losses and history, would be helpful. Best wishes for you, and again, I'm sorry you've been hit by this. |
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Post by serenity on Oct 24, 2019 20:36:58 GMT
I’m sorry you’re going through this. For your mental health, it would probably be best if you disappeared from her life- as much as possible. I wouldn’t engage with her ever again. If she asks you a direct question, just give the essential answer (yes or no, good, thanks sorta stuff). Unfortunately, the scorpion stings. This new/old guy is going to be in the receiving end of it- yet again. It’s only a matter of time (probably not much since this is the second go around for them). That could be you. Yeeesh Stu, I'm sorry for the news too  I hope you will be able to take yourself out of her rotation permanently. She sounds a little dangerous to someone with a big heart and a rescuer nature. |
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Post by stu on Oct 24, 2019 21:05:01 GMT
Thanks so much that means a lot Jules, I know that if she ever tried to circle back again I will tell her she pushed me too far to ever consider it. At this point I don't really want to talk to her on a friendly basis either. Things were just too hurtful and disrespectful without any concern of my own well being at all. Such a sucky situation. But I'll work through it the same as you all. Feels a shame it had to end like this but I feel good about putting in my best effort and the growrh I had going through this experience. I'm still so confused over what I learned tonight vs what I thought and felt going on between us for so long. It's so hard to understand anything when you never even get the chance to talk about anything together. I'm sorry you've been hit by this. It's impossible to know exactly what is going on in another person, but I truly believe that when it comes to this stuff, actions speak. Actions speak. I've always regarded ghosting FOR ANY REASON to be a clear statement about a person's inability to engage with another human with adequate regard. If it's because they are scared, ruthless, insensitive, insecure, unstable, conflicted, whatever. It does not matter, when considering what the ghosted deserves in terms of empathy, compassion, communication, respect, dignity, etc. And, there must be a study out there somewhere validating the trend I see here. I haven't searched for one. From what I can observe, ghosting is never (I'll go ahead and say never, exceptions may exist but why gamble with this shit) part of a relationship progression where the ghoster, finally understood and given tolerance by the ghosted, comes around to a healthier state and is able to offer reciprocity and mutual commitment to maintaining a relationship. I'm sorry for your pain, you've been through a lot. You certainly deserve compassion, regard, respect, support. What has helped me in painful situations with people, is to really recognize what love DOES FEEL LIKE and gravitate toward people who make me feel loved. Huge difference between attachment, unrequited love, longing, confusion.... and actual human altruism and love. For me, I had to recognize the difference between being a utility for someone, and actually being loved in an altruistic, genuine way. We each need to find our blind spots when it comes to identifying what love is, and isn't. Perhaps some therapeutic grief support, for life in general considering your losses and history, would be helpful. Best wishes for you, and again, I'm sorry you've been hit by this. Thanks much appreciated . I thought the ghosting was just an anxiety issues and knew it was an unstablilty thing but with an explainable cause that I felt wasnt personal to me. I thought she was self aware and seeking help enough to the point she was really going to overcome her fa patterns. And thought if that were to ever happen then there's a good chance something healthy could come out of it. I still at this time treating things as over and just had that possibility in the back of my mind. I'm just really surprised about her poor behavior towards me, beyond just the ghosting. And then just finding some old dude again to get her needs met without any concern about everything she threw away with me,and destroying any chance of reconcilation. Frankly it just feels like she didn't actually care all that much about me. And is just doing whatever she wants without regarding anyone else at all. I know it's not going to work out long term with this other guy. He's just as FA as her. But maybe shes more attracted to him because of that, or just easier because he's a less real long term fit for her. In just surprised she decided to do this and lose everything between us and never decided to even talk whatsoever about me concerning anything before even making that decision. In surprised she was even interested in other people at this time. I have had healthy friend ships and really healthy relationships in the past j don't always end up with people like this. I just thought if I showed enough that I cared and was reliable , along with the fact she was self aware and seeking help. That I might be able to help this person and be a soft landing space. That she could actually heal different struggles for herself and have a really easy and nice relationship as a result. I wasn't trying to fix or save her. I just thought she was interested in working on herself and would like that. Yes I am definitely going to seek counselling for all the grief and trauma I recently experienced. Life just seems really difficult at the moment. |
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Post by stu on Oct 24, 2019 21:10:39 GMT
I’m sorry you’re going through this. For your mental health, it would probably be best if you disappeared from her life- as much as possible. I wouldn’t engage with her ever again. If she asks you a direct question, just give the essential answer (yes or no, good, thanks sorta stuff). Unfortunately, the scorpion stings. This new/old guy is going to be in the receiving end of it- yet again. It’s only a matter of time (probably not much since this is the second go around for them). That could be you. Yeeesh Stu, I'm sorry for the news too I hope you will be able to take yourself out of her rotation permanently. She sounds a little dangerous to someone with a big heart and a rescuer nature. Oh I'm permentantly done, deleted her number and removed her off social media. With no desire to re engage her ever again even as just a friend. She's done too much hurtful things and treated me too poorly for me to give her the time of day for anything anymore. If just still feels so surreal that this is how things ended up. And I am still having to accept that this is the situation as it is and that it's true. I just can't believe she is doing all this, but I have to accept that it's reality and that all I can do is remove myself completely because someone with no respect for me and that can treat me like this has doesn't deserve any of my time or thought anymore. |
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Post by serenity on Oct 24, 2019 21:50:04 GMT
I know it's not going to work out long term with this other guy. He's just as FA as her. But maybe shes more attracted to him because of that, or just easier because he's a less real long term fit for her. In just surprised she decided to do this and lose everything between us and never decided to even talk whatsoever about me concerning anything before even making that decision. In surprised she was even interested in other people at this time. I have had healthy friend ships and really healthy relationships in the past j don't always end up with people like this. I just thought if I showed enough that I cared and was reliable , along with the fact she was self aware and seeking help. That I might be able to help this person and be a soft landing space. That she could actually heal different struggles for herself and have a really easy and nice relationship as a result. I wasn't trying to fix or save her. I just thought she was interested in working on herself and would like that. Yes I am definitely going to seek counselling for all the grief and trauma I recently experienced. Life just seems really difficult at the moment Deactivation is so hard to get your head around Although its not really personal, when they deactivate, it can be with you only (as their closest attachment figure) whilst being massively present for others. It really sucks. I think its because they still need consistent love, so they will grab it from someone else if that option is available. You get some FA's who don't have a lot of options, who will cycle back to the same person, repeating some version of the honeymoon period over and over, with a lot of long gaps and fade outs in between. But if the FA is very attractive and has a lot of options, you're more likely to see them replace you , bounce between old and new lovers, unconsciously creating rotating harems if they can. If you really want to take yourself out the harem, you will have to do it consciously on your terms. People don't get dragged into those harem situations because they are stupid, they do it because they keep getting sucked in by hope and compassion and the trauma bond. Its the trauma bond you have to break most of all; its very different to the bond in a loving relationship. |
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Post by stu on Oct 24, 2019 22:12:59 GMT
I know it's not going to work out long term with this other guy. He's just as FA as her. But maybe shes more attracted to him because of that, or just easier because he's a less real long term fit for her. In just surprised she decided to do this and lose everything between us and never decided to even talk whatsoever about me concerning anything before even making that decision. In surprised she was even interested in other people at this time. I have had healthy friend ships and really healthy relationships in the past j don't always end up with people like this. I just thought if I showed enough that I cared and was reliable , along with the fact she was self aware and seeking help. That I might be able to help this person and be a soft landing space. That she could actually heal different struggles for herself and have a really easy and nice relationship as a result. I wasn't trying to fix or save her. I just thought she was interested in working on herself and would like that. Yes I am definitely going to seek counselling for all the grief and trauma I recently experienced. Life just seems really difficult at the moment Deactivation is so hard to get your head around Although its not really personal, when they deactivate, it can be with you only (as their closest attachment figure) whilst being massively present for others. It really sucks. I think its because they still need consistent love, so they will grab it from someone else if that option is available. You get some FA's who don't have a lot of options, who will cycle back to the same person, repeating some version of the honeymoon period over and over, with a lot of long gaps and fade outs in between. But if the FA is very attractive and has a lot of options, you're more likely to see them replace you , bounce between old and new lovers, unconsciously creating rotating harems if they can. If you really want to take yourself out the harem, you will have to do it consciously on your terms. People don't get dragged into those harem situations because they are stupid, they do it because they keep getting sucked in by hope and compassion and the trauma bond. Its the trauma bond you have to break most of all; its very different to the bond in a loving relationship. She is very attractive and a lot of guys chase after her. But I'm attractive and have a lot of girls chase after me too. I'm just not interested in anyone else because I actually loved her. I never saw her show interest in anyone else and never knew aside from one time that there was anyone else. A brief period before where she told me she tried to go for another guy because she wanted to push her feelings for me away, and he was easier to be with because he lived far away and would hurt less not working out. This was from an old deactivation from almost a year ago. Same dude as right now. But when we reconnected after that we actually started dating for real and got very close and consistent for many months in a row. And things felt like an actual relationship for the first time ever. Personally im just extremely off put she's even interested in this other dude. And did not think she was interested in other people at all during this de activation. I thought she was just having an anxiety response to the attachment and finally came around again as usual. We got closer and a more deep bond after we started dating seriously so I didn't expect her to revert back to the whole trying to be with someone else to push feelings away again, thing. I understand the consistent love concept thing. But I thought that meant showing someone consistent love everything through their de activations and such. Not that it meant they would seek out other romantic options because they de activated from yours. I don't think this thing with the other guy could even be defined as love anyways, just a band aid distraction from deep feelings, I don't know. Anyways that being said I told her at the end of us seeing each other this last time that if she was interested in or wanted to see other people at this point. That's fine but I would never want to pursue a serious relationship together again at that point. So she knows that and chose that. So I don't have any desire or feeling to go back to her at this point. Thinking about her with other guys hurts like hell and makes me feel disgusted. I have absolutely no desire to go back to her knowing that's how things are now. The only reason I moved past it the first time was because nothing really that big happened between her and him. And it was at a time where we never really were as deeply bonded together or had a large seeious history together, yet. I now know what you are saying and am just surprised she's open to and available for other guys while just wanting nothing to do with me. But she wont get the chance for me to come through this and try things with her again. I'm surprised this other guy even wanted to do that with her again after him knowing about me before and after him. But she's shown me now who she is fully and I don't really want anything to do with this situation anymore. No matter what she says or does at this point. I had an ex girlfriend with a long history together and a very deep bond before. And we brike up for a bit, told her the same thing how I wouldn't feel good pursuing things together again if she wanted to see other people. But was okay taking a break if needed. She told me she ended up seeing someone else and I was more attached then I am to this FA at the time. Yet still made the decision to completely shut that door because it went beyond what my comfortability was with my boundaries at that point. I didn't cut her off forever as a friend and everything. Just couldn't resume a relationship with her again was all. With this FA I don't even want to talk to her again and definitely don't want to be a friend because she doesn't deserve any of that with all the shit she put me through. I didn't think it was common for FAs to de activate and just date other people instead until they feel better. And don't know why anyone would take someone back who does that. I feel so used and treated more like an object then an actual person. |
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Post by dhali on Oct 25, 2019 1:47:05 GMT
Stu- that’s how deactivations work. Every time I’ve been moving towards being on the outs with a person I’m seeing, I think about the things I liked about my last gf. Mostly because it’s different than what I’m experiencing, in a good way, from my current situation. That, for me, doesn’t mean I try to get back with my ex after i end things, but I certainly check out their social media a bit more. And think fondly about my past time. I even sometimes think I didn’t give things enough of a chance (and remind myself that it wouldn’t matter).
Said another way... Many times you mourn the previous relationship as you’re exiting your current one. Assuming you’re the one doing the breaking up in both cases. If that makes sense.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2019 3:07:59 GMT
A brief period before where she told me she tried to go for another guy because she wanted to push her feelings for me away, and he was easier to be with because he lived far away and would hurt less not working out. This was from an old deactivation from almost a year ago. Same dude as right now. But when we reconnected after that we actually started dating for real and got very close and consistent for many months in a row. And things felt like an actual relationship for the first time ever. You have to pay close attention to this kind of thing. She essentially told you what her pattern was. I know, because I didn't listen. Well, I did and was skeptical. I never trusted my FA. He talked about a lot of girls. "I push people away." "Maybe this is good that we don't live near each other." etc. etc. I started to realize I was one of many and why was that going to change now? The words don't matter. Their patterns do. In many senses you are an object because they are using you (and everyone else) to soothe and heal their wounding. After my FA, I felt some relief coming to an emotional realization that him treating me poorly wasn't about me. Then I realized that it NEVER was about me, and well, that hurt. There are instances in my relationship history where I minimized what I now see as red flags- I simply didn't recognize them or believed that I could adapt to them since I'm in a bit of a bubble by nature. (accustomed to being invisible, habituated to being less important than the more demanding partner, it's a conditioning thing). Over time, however, I've been able to form a standard of behavior that I can deliver and require reciprocity for. This involves boundaries, deal breakers, areas of tolerance and adaptability, etc. All of this is based on core values I have for my life, and my relationships. This has proven to be a healthier and safer way to conduct myself in relationships. In an ideal world, we all would be operating with compatible values, and we would all be healthy enough to look out for ourselves and our loved ones without so much risk. But that isn't the case, and with maturity comes the realization that human nature is flawed, people can be pretty fucked up, do a lot of harm intentionally or non intentionally- navigating life well requires having good boundaries and the ability to uphold them. If you have to talk yourself down off the edge all the time and make a lot of exceptions to what feels ok to you, in order to keep a relationship, it's it not worth keeping. When it ends, it's going to feel like you've been wronged by two people- yourself and the one you set no limits with. It's easier said than done, and I think it's the work of an entire lifetime to understand and come to awareness about all this- but these situations definitely provide a lot of information which enables us to improve our own relationship habits, develop the awareness of what our red lines are, and know when to fold. All of the bad relationships I've been in had red flags waving from early on. Every. Single. One. Thank goodness I can see them now! |
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Post by stu on Oct 25, 2019 8:37:11 GMT
A brief period before where she told me she tried to go for another guy because she wanted to push her feelings for me away, and he was easier to be with because he lived far away and would hurt less not working out. This was from an old deactivation from almost a year ago. Same dude as right now. But when we reconnected after that we actually started dating for real and got very close and consistent for many months in a row. And things felt like an actual relationship for the first time ever. You have to pay close attention to this kind of thing. She essentially told you what her pattern was. I know, because I didn't listen. Well, I did and was skeptical. I never trusted my FA. He talked about a lot of girls. "I push people away." "Maybe this is good that we don't live near each other." etc. etc. I started to realize I was one of many and why was that going to change now? The words don't matter. Their patterns do. In many senses you are an object because they are using you (and everyone else) to soothe and heal their wounding. After my FA, I felt some relief coming to an emotional realization that him treating me poorly wasn't about me. Then I realized that it NEVER was about me, and well, that hurt. Well she did have a period of dating me pretty consistently when I first met her where I don't think she was having back burner people, as well as when she was dating me more seriously together we got extremely close and she opened up completely , literally everything about her. But after she did that and got more intimate with me the anxiety kicked in and she kept going further into the deep end with the major de activation. These two major de activations she has had she has pursued another guy while treating me like shit in the process if I saw her most the time. I'm surprised she was being so flirty and receptive the last few weeks and chasing after me while now being with this other guy. But when I saw her last night she was being blatantly rude and extremely shut down and literally ran away out of the place when I talked to her for a second at the very end of the night out of fear of me having a serious conversation with her. Not that I had any intention of initating that myself anyways. But some of the behavior around all of that feels very narcisssitic to me. Like completely cutting me off and not giving me the respect of any kind of communication whatsoever and then just hitting up old dudes to cycle back to, for the affection she all of a sudden couldn't tolerate with me. It feels so dehumanizing and just off putting to me. I definitely have no part of myself that ever wants to go back now knowing all of this now either. I think an FA is emotiinally stable to the point they are able to experience loving someone and feeling an attachment to others , even if it gets disorganized because of personal issues. It's not as if they cannot ever feel attachment or loss in the first place. And I don't think they just get involved with people to boost their self-esteem and completely for external validation, attention , etc. I think my ex fa was being her true self when I was dating her recently and vulnerably exposed all of her self. I dont think she was just stringing me along for filling a void. But there is also the insecurity and need for soothing through other behaviors of getting that. Which can be extremely disregarded of other people and make her someone not able to have a healthy and consistent attachment and relationship to anyone, no matter who they are. With how she currently is now. I think a lot of the behavior happening is largely unconscious and is being acted out a lot of the time. Without much self awareness behind any of it. But that's just my projection based on experiences with her and things I witnessed before. These periods of acting out all of the emotional impulses and such without any sense of being able to stop. And then the major regret and self loathing after. I am sure at some point in the future she will try and circle back to me again. But I'm going to have no ability to go back to that again. Even if she worked on herself and all those issues could be hypothetically gone in the snap of a finger. I would not be able to move past all the shit that's already happened and thinking and knowing about her with other people adfer me. While disregarding and discarding me. Is never be able to let that go and move past it. And it is and will always make me feel repulsed on the inside as well. |
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Post by stu on Oct 25, 2019 8:46:03 GMT
You have to pay close attention to this kind of thing. She essentially told you what her pattern was. I know, because I didn't listen. Well, I did and was skeptical. I never trusted my FA. He talked about a lot of girls. "I push people away." "Maybe this is good that we don't live near each other." etc. etc. I started to realize I was one of many and why was that going to change now? The words don't matter. Their patterns do. In many senses you are an object because they are using you (and everyone else) to soothe and heal their wounding. After my FA, I felt some relief coming to an emotional realization that him treating me poorly wasn't about me. Then I realized that it NEVER was about me, and well, that hurt. There are instances in my relationship history where I minimized what I now see as red flags- I simply didn't recognize them or believed that I could adapt to them since I'm in a bit of a bubble by nature. (accustomed to being invisible, habituated to being less important than the more demanding partner, it's a conditioning thing). Over time, however, I've been able to form a standard of behavior that I can deliver and require reciprocity for. This involves boundaries, deal breakers, areas of tolerance and adaptability, etc. All of this is based on core values I have for my life, and my relationships. This has proven to be a healthier and safer way to conduct myself in relationships. In an ideal world, we all would be operating with compatible values, and we would all be healthy enough to look out for ourselves and our loved ones without so much risk. But that isn't the case, and with maturity comes the realization that human nature is flawed, people can be pretty fucked up, do a lot of harm intentionally or non intentionally- navigating life well requires having good boundaries and the ability to uphold them. If you have to talk yourself down off the edge all the time and make a lot of exceptions to what feels ok to you, in order to keep a relationship, it's it not worth keeping. When it ends, it's going to feel like you've been wronged by two people- yourself and the one you set no limits with. It's easier said than done, and I think it's the work of an entire lifetime to understand and come to awareness about all this- but these situations definitely provide a lot of information which enables us to improve our own relationship habits, develop the awareness of what our red lines are, and know when to fold. All of the bad relationships I've been in had red flags waving from early on. Every. Single. One. Thank goodness I can see them now! Thanks man that's great insight. Honestly I'm very good with red flags and know what to watch out for most the time. But with my fa ex, the reason why I stayed was because I learned about attachment issues and that she was just having some struggles but that there was nothing abusive going on, or something that screamed out this person is going to hurt you really badly. In my mind after reading about disorganized attachment and talking to people about and all. I developed a soft spot for my ex FAs challenges, and I just wanted to show her love in a consistent and dependable way, and maybe help her heal the stuff she was going through. And help her grow and better herself as person, as I did the same for myself too. I didn't realize how damaging she could personally act when she gets de activated. I thought from reading about FAs that generally a de activation is just time to themselves to process and separate themselves for space to calm their bodies, I didn't realize they will further do things to push you far away or try and hurt you to make you go away. when she isn't de activated and sucked into the emotional tailspin of her triggered stuff she is very self aware about what goes on for her, wants help for herself, and tries her best. But when that viel of issues comes over her it's like she turns into a completely different person, and then treats me in a completely different and rude way as well. I thought I could work past stuff anywsys and tried to just be loving patient and caring through everything, through and through. But now it's got to the point where she pushed my boundaries to the point of no return and probably she knew that and wanted that when she did it. To try and push me away forever because of how she feels in the moment right now. But anytime she's done that in the past to less extreme she always ends up regretting it and trying to reconnect and reconcil with me. This time around if she ever reached out in the future to apologize and talk about things I would listen to her and express myself. But I'm never,ever going back to her again. And I really hate that it had to end like this and that she's phshed me to this point. Because it's the last thing I truly wanted but at this point I'm just flat out left with no other choice to make. Because I wanted things to work out and felt there was so much improvement and growth with so much while knowing her. But she just self sabotoged herself so hard. That I am just done with everything. She made her choice, whether in the midst of de activation or whatever she still chose to make that decision and now she's going to have to live with the full consequence of losing me from her life for good. |
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I hope you will be able to take yourself out of her rotation permanently. She sounds a little dangerous to someone with a big heart and a rescuer nature.