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Post by nyc718 on Oct 26, 2019 16:47:45 GMT
There are instances in my relationship history where I minimized what I now see as red flags- I simply didn't recognize them or believed that I could adapt to them since I'm in a bit of a bubble by nature. (accustomed to being invisible, habituated to being less important than the more demanding partner, it's a conditioning thing). Over time, however, I've been able to form a standard of behavior that I can deliver and require reciprocity for. This involves boundaries, deal breakers, areas of tolerance and adaptability, etc. All of this is based on core values I have for my life, and my relationships. This has proven to be a healthier and safer way to conduct myself in relationships. In an ideal world, we all would be operating with compatible values, and we would all be healthy enough to look out for ourselves and our loved ones without so much risk. But that isn't the case, and with maturity comes the realization that human nature is flawed, people can be pretty fucked up, do a lot of harm intentionally or non intentionally- navigating life well requires having good boundaries and the ability to uphold them. If you have to talk yourself down off the edge all the time and make a lot of exceptions to what feels ok to you, in order to keep a relationship, it's it not worth keeping. When it ends, it's going to feel like you've been wronged by two people- yourself and the one you set no limits with. It's easier said than done, and I think it's the work of an entire lifetime to understand and come to awareness about all this- but these situations definitely provide a lot of information which enables us to improve our own relationship habits, develop the awareness of what our red lines are, and know when to fold. All of the bad relationships I've been in had red flags waving from early on. Every. Single. One. Thank goodness I can see them now! Thanks man that's great insight. Honestly I'm very good with red flags and know what to watch out for most the time. But with my fa ex, the reason why I stayed was because I learned about attachment issues and that she was just having some struggles but that there was nothing abusive going on, or something that screamed out this person is going to hurt you really badly. In my mind after reading about disorganized attachment and talking to people about and all. I developed a soft spot for my ex FAs challenges, and I just wanted to show her love in a consistent and dependable way, and maybe help her heal the stuff she was going through. And help her grow and better herself as person, as I did the same for myself too. I didn't realize how damaging she could personally act when she gets de activated. I thought from reading about FAs that generally a de activation is just time to themselves to process and separate themselves for space to calm their bodies, I didn't realize they will further do things to push you far away or try and hurt you to make you go away. when she isn't de activated and sucked into the emotional tailspin of her triggered stuff she is very self aware about what goes on for her, wants help for herself, and tries her best. But when that viel of issues comes over her it's like she turns into a completely different person, and then treats me in a completely different and rude way as well. I thought I could work past stuff anywsys and tried to just be loving patient and caring through everything, through and through. But now it's got to the point where she pushed my boundaries to the point of no return and probably she knew that and wanted that when she did it. To try and push me away forever because of how she feels in the moment right now. But anytime she's done that in the past to less extreme she always ends up regretting it and trying to reconnect and reconcil with me. This time around if she ever reached out in the future to apologize and talk about things I would listen to her and express myself. But I'm never,ever going back to her again. And I really hate that it had to end like this and that she's phshed me to this point. Because it's the last thing I truly wanted but at this point I'm just flat out left with no other choice to make. Because I wanted things to work out and felt there was so much improvement and growth with so much while knowing her. But she just self sabotoged herself so hard. That I am just done with everything. She made her choice, whether in the midst of de activation or whatever she still chose to make that decision and now she's going to have to live with the full consequence of losing me from her life for good. Sometimes it does take that final act that pushes us over the limit. In a way it's good, because now you have that strength to not look back. It's bad because of the anger and resentment over wasted time and emotions it cost, but let's not be hard on ourselves. None of us are living this life with a step by step guide. It's all trial and error. Going forward we are all wiser, and we know things now that will help us. I hope you do have peace that you know you did all you could, and this was really about her and her inability to have stable relationships, not yours. I know it's so damn painful, but it's all lessons. It totally stinks to have to learn these lessons, I know. |
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Post by stu on Oct 26, 2019 23:27:15 GMT
Thanks nyc718 , it just really sucks to know this was the end result after all that has happened before and giving things my best shot and being a completely authentic and genuine person. It's just frustrating that I can't even list all of the ways I was a really solid person for my ex FA and all I was there for and did. I can't even explain all of that if I wanted to. But it felt very appreciated and known to my ex fa and I think she really was greatful for a lot of things with her connection with me. And at some point had real feelings for me as well. So the complete lack of respect and all these really selfish and hurtful behaviors and way she handled things in the end after the de activation just makes me feel so confused and hurt. I understand what happens with a de activation mostly, with FAs. But the way it played out in my case made it feel like she never actually had any real care or strong feelings for me, and she treated me like shit. I just want to feel like at some point maybe in the future she can actually look back and reflect and realize that what she did was not cool at all. And instead of treating me like someone she is revulsed by and wanted to just pretend things never happened with. She actually can appreciate and feel like I actually was a really good guy to her and someone that hopefully left some kind of impact on her. The whole moving onto to this old cycled dude after never ending things with me aside from the straight up ghosting, and me reaching out on more then a couple occasions to try and talk in any kind of way and still being ignored. But then turning around and trying to get my attention again and being more open again. While already then seeing this other guy. Just doesn't make any sense to me. I know there's a lot that goes on with Fa challenges and de activation. But there is also a feeling of fundamental lack of respect and morality that seems to be an added character trait separate of the Fa stuff. I can't even clarify or get any kind of help understanding over anything at all anyways because we never talked. And at this point I don't even see a point in talking about anything because it wont make me feel better and there's nothing to turn back to anyways. I just don't understand why it had to end in such a painful and distorted way instead of her saying she just wasnt able to continue things anymore before moving on or literally anything at all.also felt like things were so strong and solid between us that I didn't think she would ever be interested in moving onto other people instead. And thinking about how she could be physical with other people this quickly after things and thinking about it just sends a huge dagger through the heart and cheapens the whole experience that happened. |
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jules
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Post by jules on Oct 27, 2019 2:05:52 GMT
"moving onto to this old cycled dude after never ending things with me aside from the straight up ghosting, and me reaching out on more then a couple occasions to try and talk in any kind of way and still being ignored. But then turning around and trying to get my attention again and being more open again. While already then seeing this other guy. Just doesn't make any sense to me. I know there's a lot that goes on with Fa challenges and de activation. But there is also a feeling of fundamental lack of respect and morality that seems to be an added character trait separate of the Fa stuff"
This screams immaturity. IMO there is a lot more than FA going on here. She seems attention seeking. Just studded with a lot of other unpleasantries.
I am with you, totally in the same boat. Confused, hurt and truly disappointed but I know we are better off. And my FA didn't do any of this kinda crap. No ghosting. No cheating (to my knowledge)
An unaware FA, an aware immobile, inactive FA takes hostages, perhaps without intent, but it is a bullet dodged to be out of this sooner rather than later my friend.
Hang in there. I know it hurts.
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Post by stu on Oct 27, 2019 3:18:22 GMT
"moving onto to this old cycled dude after never ending things with me aside from the straight up ghosting, and me reaching out on more then a couple occasions to try and talk in any kind of way and still being ignored. But then turning around and trying to get my attention again and being more open again. While already then seeing this other guy. Just doesn't make any sense to me. I know there's a lot that goes on with Fa challenges and de activation. But there is also a feeling of fundamental lack of respect and morality that seems to be an added character trait separate of the Fa stuff" This screams immaturity. IMO there is a lot more than FA going on here. She seems attention seeking. Just studded with a lot of other unpleasantries. I am with you, totally in the same boat. Confused, hurt and truly disappointed but I know we are better off. And my FA didn't do any of this kinda crap. No ghosting. No cheating (to my knowledge) An unaware FA, an aware immobile, inactive FA takes hostages, perhaps without intent, but it is a bullet dodged to be out of this sooner rather than later my friend. Hang in there. I know it hurts. Thank you Jules. It's still confusing and hurtful but her recent behavior made things clearer about some sketchy things I felt in the past about her as well. And how she handled things before, when we weren't as closely bonded but was still disrespectful and disregarding things. I just didn't expect it to happen again. We talked through a lot and worked through stuff from before and she seemed feneuiley remorseful and regretful. Then we started dating seriously at some point semi shortly after that. And for a while it was very solid and consistent and I thought would just be more healthy and better as each week went on. Which it seemed to do, until another Dr activation where she treated me even worse and acted even more disrespectful and self centered once again. From what I've seen and epxericing to this point. I believe she had made a lot of serious efforts in many ways. And that there was some geniune connection. But also it feels she has a lack of over all emotional development ,and when triggered can do some very immature things as a result. Only trying focusing on herself at the expense of others. Or purposedly during very hurtful and destructive things to push people away permentantly or make it too painful for them to stay. Largely it all seems unconscious and as if she's too engrossed in it to do anything else, because of a lack of awareness and self work. I don't think she's ever tried to be intentionally harmful or is a sociopath or abything of that nature. Just the saying that hurt people, hurt people seems to be the biggest thing that applies. It sucks though. And I wish I had walked away much sooner, before building a stronger attachment and bond. And having to deal with an even worse blow out after everything between us. |
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 27, 2019 4:28:33 GMT
"moving onto to this old cycled dude after never ending things with me aside from the straight up ghosting, and me reaching out on more then a couple occasions to try and talk in any kind of way and still being ignored. But then turning around and trying to get my attention again and being more open again. While already then seeing this other guy. Just doesn't make any sense to me. I know there's a lot that goes on with Fa challenges and de activation. But there is also a feeling of fundamental lack of respect and morality that seems to be an added character trait separate of the Fa stuff" This screams immaturity. IMO there is a lot more than FA going on here. She seems attention seeking. Just studded with a lot of other unpleasantries. I am with you, totally in the same boat. Confused, hurt and truly disappointed but I know we are better off. And my FA didn't do any of this kinda crap. No ghosting. No cheating (to my knowledge) An unaware FA, an aware immobile, inactive FA takes hostages, perhaps without intent, but it is a bullet dodged to be out of this sooner rather than later my friend. Hang in there. I know it hurts. Thank you Jules. It's still confusing and hurtful but her recent behavior made things clearer about some sketchy things I felt in the past about her as well. And how she handled things before, when we weren't as closely bonded but was still disrespectful and disregarding things. I just didn't expect it to happen again. We talked through a lot and worked through stuff from before and she seemed feneuiley remorseful and regretful. Then we started dating seriously at some point semi shortly after that. And for a while it was very solid and consistent and I thought would just be more healthy and better as each week went on. Which it seemed to do, until another Dr activation where she treated me even worse and acted even more disrespectful and self centered once again. From what I've seen and epxericing to this point. I believe she had made a lot of serious efforts in many ways. And that there was some geniune connection. But also it feels she has a lack of over all emotional development ,and when triggered can do some very immature things as a result. Only trying focusing on herself at the expense of others. Or purposedly during very hurtful and destructive things to push people away permentantly or make it too painful for them to stay. Largely it all seems unconscious and as if she's too engrossed in it to do anything else, because of a lack of awareness and self work. I don't think she's ever tried to be intentionally harmful or is a sociopath or abything of that nature. Just the saying that hurt people, hurt people seems to be the biggest thing that applies. It sucks though. And I wish I had walked away much sooner, before building a stronger attachment and bond. And having to deal with an even worse blow out after everything between us. I'm going to agree with jules that there seems to be more than just FA going on. She sounds pretty destructive, not just with herself, but with the ones around her. If she reaches a level of maturity, she will one day look back and know how badly she treated you and how terribly she acted. She really sounds though like currently she really has no self love or very much self esteem, so it can't really be expected of her to have a mature emotional response the way you want. Again, I'm sorry for what you are going through. It really is so hard healing, even when we know that the person isn't good for us and not bringing out the best in us. It still stings. Hang in there. |
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Post by stu on Oct 27, 2019 7:45:13 GMT
Thank you Jules. It's still confusing and hurtful but her recent behavior made things clearer about some sketchy things I felt in the past about her as well. And how she handled things before, when we weren't as closely bonded but was still disrespectful and disregarding things. I just didn't expect it to happen again. We talked through a lot and worked through stuff from before and she seemed feneuiley remorseful and regretful. Then we started dating seriously at some point semi shortly after that. And for a while it was very solid and consistent and I thought would just be more healthy and better as each week went on. Which it seemed to do, until another Dr activation where she treated me even worse and acted even more disrespectful and self centered once again. From what I've seen and epxericing to this point. I believe she had made a lot of serious efforts in many ways. And that there was some geniune connection. But also it feels she has a lack of over all emotional development ,and when triggered can do some very immature things as a result. Only trying focusing on herself at the expense of others. Or purposedly during very hurtful and destructive things to push people away permentantly or make it too painful for them to stay. Largely it all seems unconscious and as if she's too engrossed in it to do anything else, because of a lack of awareness and self work. I don't think she's ever tried to be intentionally harmful or is a sociopath or abything of that nature. Just the saying that hurt people, hurt people seems to be the biggest thing that applies. It sucks though. And I wish I had walked away much sooner, before building a stronger attachment and bond. And having to deal with an even worse blow out after everything between us. I'm going to agree with jules that there seems to be more than just FA going on. She sounds pretty destructive, not just with herself, but with the ones around her. If she reaches a level of maturity, she will one day look back and know how badly she treated you and how terribly she acted. She really sounds though like currently she really has no self love or very much self esteem, so it can't really be expected of her to have a mature emotional response the way you want. Again, I'm sorry for what you are going through. It really is so hard healing, even when we know that the person isn't good for us and not bringing out the best in us. It still stings. Hang in there. Its okay and thank you I appreciate that. And I agree there are just things about herself that she is not able to handle things in a certain mature way, but it is what it is. At least she was never abusive in anyway. It just messed with me how she made choices that ultimately affected her the most, but hurt me as well because of my attachment to her. All she has done to me is to just push love away and reject someone that makes her feel vulnerable and scared. But its over and its better to just let her figure her stuff out and just wish her the best and move on with my life. Funny thing is I ended up removing her from my social media after finding out about the other guy, sent her a message about how it would have been easier to talk things out one time before she decided to just cut me out and move on to someone new, and etc. Then just decided from there I was completely done and never plan on talking to her or letting her cycle me back in again. And not surprisingly after I sent that message which demonstrated I was done, but was polite and civil about it, and removing her from FB, and then unfollowing her on Instagram, she read the message, unfollowed me back. And then I end up bumping into her tonight, again. Around mutual friends and the same social circle. I avoid her the whole night, and sure enough now that I rejected her and she knows I am done she kept staring at me the whole night, and then gradually started standing closer, and closer to me until we made direct eye contact within a foot of each other and she looked at me the way the same exact way she used to, when she was infatuated and really wanting to talk to me. I smiled at her, nodded my head and left where we were at right after. It doesn't matter anymore because I won't go back again, but anytime I start to pull away like this she always comes back after me. But once again I am confused why she is acting like this right now while she has someone else she is seeing. You would think she would be over me and not care at all, yet she doesn't seem to be acting that way but either way it doesn't matter because I can't go back again. I am actually moving across the country potentially as soon as this week, but at latest one month. She doesn't know that this is the last time she will even see me for over six months to a year. I expect at one point she may reach out again and try and talk to me. And that might make me feel better for closure and to feel like there was no more bad blood in that connection anymore. But I still don't understand why she is even interested in me at all with this other guy around. Who is much better fit for her needs. Living far away, being emotionally unavailable, and being the kind of guy she is comfortable being around with how she is now. It sucks to see her face, and the way she was looking at me and feeling my heart swell up with love again, and all the feelings come through when I see her. But at the same time the anger and revulsion over how she acted and frustration over the whole situation. Two opposing emotional states happening simultaneously. Anyways I am done rambling about all of that. I am just glad after tonight I finally can not have to see her around again and keep re opening old wounds while I try to heal from everything and get into a better head space and start feeling really good again. Thanks again for all the support everyone, and I hope everyone else is finding wellness and good health themselves. |
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Oct 27, 2019 7:59:59 GMT
she kept staring at me the whole night, and then gradually started standing closer, and closer to me until we made direct eye contact within a foot of each other and she looked at me the way the same exact way she used to, when she was infatuated and really wanting to talk to me. I smiled at her, nodded my head and left where we were at right after. It doesn't matter anymore because I won't go back again, but anytime I start to pull away like this she always comes back after me. But once again I am confused why she is acting like this right now while she has someone else she is seeing. You would think she would be over me and not care at all, yet she doesn't seem to be acting that way This is probably not what you want to hear. But maybe she just needs your attention. Sometimes it feels good to know you have admirers out there, even though you are not interested in a relationship with any of them. I can say so because it was a strategy I used when I was younger (and AP), before getting to secure. Not proud about it now, but that was how it was. Flirting just to get guys attention, then leaving. :/ |
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Post by stu on Oct 27, 2019 8:04:38 GMT
she kept staring at me the whole night, and then gradually started standing closer, and closer to me until we made direct eye contact within a foot of each other and she looked at me the way the same exact way she used to, when she was infatuated and really wanting to talk to me. I smiled at her, nodded my head and left where we were at right after. It doesn't matter anymore because I won't go back again, but anytime I start to pull away like this she always comes back after me. But once again I am confused why she is acting like this right now while she has someone else she is seeing. You would think she would be over me and not care at all, yet she doesn't seem to be acting that way This is probably not what you want to hear. But maybe she just needs your attention. Sometimes it feels good to know you have admirers out there, even though you are not interested in a relationship with any of them. I can say so because it was a strategy I used when I was younger (and AP), before getting to secure. Not proud about it now, but that was how it was. Flirting just to get guys attention, then leaving. :/ I mean either way it doesn't matter because it's still over to me anyways. |
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Post by stu on Oct 27, 2019 8:05:10 GMT
But I still don't understand why she is even interested in me at all with this other guy around. Who is much better fit for her needs. Living far away, being emotionally unavailable, and being the kind of guy she is comfortable being around with how she is now. Because you are also now unavailable to her. As soon as you become available, you no longer fit her needs. Probably but that's okay too, because I'm not going back again either way. |
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Post by stu on Oct 27, 2019 8:07:24 GMT
This is probably not what you want to hear. But maybe she just needs your attention. Sometimes it feels good to know you have admirers out there, even though you are not interested in a relationship with any of them. I can say so because it was a strategy I used when I was younger (and AP), before getting to secure. Not proud about it now, but that was how it was. Flirting just to get guys attention, then leaving. :/ Also a good point. I have learned over the years, actions/behaviors are not all equal. I may flirt with you because I want a relationship while someone else flirts because they want a hookup, or attention, or comfort after a breakup..... we tend to interpret another's actions as having the same intent as our own. It wasn't really flirting as much as just trying to be near me and get me to talk to her. Or talk to me I don't even know. All I know at this point is it would be nice to have a conversation with her down the line to feel like that whole connection we had together wasn't just turned into a terrible note and that negative feelings needed to be the last thing I felt about everything between me and her. I feel like Im gonna heal from this pretty okay though. And if I handled things well tonight it's going to be that much easier now that I won't see her social media and it will be impossible to bump into her again for a long time. |
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Post by stu on Oct 27, 2019 8:22:31 GMT
It wasn't really flirting as much as just trying to be near me and get me to talk to her. Or talk to me I don't even know. All I know at this point is it would be nice to have a conversation with her down the line to feel like that whole connection we had together wasn't just turned into a terrible note and that negative feelings needed to be the last thing I felt about everything between me and her. I was just choosing that action as an example. Whatever it may be. The thing I had with my FA was long distance (shocker). He quickly went out of his way to come see me, not requiring a thing of me. Most guys ask me if I'll come to them or mention meeting in the middle. My friends saw this as a great sign and that he was pursuing me. If I was taking that particular action, I would have been semi serious about the person. Things progressed pretty much as scripted on this forum, and I now realize he was not serious at all but attracted to me and needing some companionship and excitement, likely because he had some down time and had had some rough times the few months before and seemed to struggle spending time alone. You'll learn to resolve these feelings yourself. I can't figure out the right perspective though when I'm personally in this place, because no matter what I am thinking logically, my feelings still want something from that other person, even if it's how we are ending things. I'm still looking for some form of comfort from them. Her being with the other dude in this particular situation, logically speaking, to me, would mean me never speaking to her again. I get that, and I don't need anything from her again. Nor have the desire to talk to her again. buri thought because of all we went through together, if you know the full background story and trauma . I just like to have a sense of open heartedness with everyone I've connected in my life. She chose to do something that forever lost her chance to have a relationship with me. And I am not on speaking terms with her any longer because of it either. But if she ever reached out many months or years down the line and wanted to talk to me. I think it would be nice to resolve that sense of conflict over the connection I shared with her. And leave her with something very positive to reflect and grow from. Healing from a sense of conflict of my relationship with her in my own mind is 100 percent an inside job though I do know that. |
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Post by dhali on Oct 28, 2019 15:44:43 GMT
"But if she ever reached out many months or years down the line and wanted to talk to me. I think it would be nice to resolve that sense of conflict over the connection I shared with her."
This is sort of a fantasy. The likelihood of this happening is close to zero. The first chapter of how to win friends and influence people - do you remember the lesson? It had examples of murderers in jail not owning what they did. People don't take the blame for stuff, and will resent you if you put it on them. Even if it's theirs to take. If you want to be on good terms, you can't bring it up. That's just human nature.
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 28, 2019 18:29:47 GMT
I was just choosing that action as an example. Whatever it may be. The thing I had with my FA was long distance (shocker). He quickly went out of his way to come see me, not requiring a thing of me. Most guys ask me if I'll come to them or mention meeting in the middle. My friends saw this as a great sign and that he was pursuing me. If I was taking that particular action, I would have been semi serious about the person. Things progressed pretty much as scripted on this forum, and I now realize he was not serious at all but attracted to me and needing some companionship and excitement, likely because he had some down time and had had some rough times the few months before and seemed to struggle spending time alone. You'll learn to resolve these feelings yourself. I can't figure out the right perspective though when I'm personally in this place, because no matter what I am thinking logically, my feelings still want something from that other person, even if it's how we are ending things. I'm still looking for some form of comfort from them. Her being with the other dude in this particular situation, logically speaking, to me, would mean me never speaking to her again. But if she ever reached out many months or years down the line and wanted to talk to me. I think it would be nice to resolve that sense of conflict over the connection I shared with her. And leave her with something very positive to reflect and grow from. Healing from a sense of conflict of my relationship with her in my own mind is 100 percent an inside job though I do know that. As someone who got over an FA, I will say that months and now two years plus down the line, I had zero desire to resolve anything with that person when the opportunity presented itself. It is so liberating to not care at all. I had once hoped we could be friends down the line somewhere, but time changed that desire, and I no longer wanted even a cordial friendship, I just didn't want anything. I had stopped missing this person at all. So when the opportunity presented itself to be in contact, I easily ignored it and haven't really thought too much about it since. I hope you get there too. It seems you put more than your part into saving this relationship. |
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Post by dhali on Oct 28, 2019 19:43:32 GMT
nyc- exactly. Which makes me questions all the self-reported "secure" diagnoses everyone does around here. The vast majority of what I've read here by "secures" makes me feel that there's a lot of wishful thinking going on around here. Most of what I've read is full-on anxious. Sure it's triggered, but a secure would be able to dust it off after a couple of months.
I *think* I'm secure, but after reading a bunch of the stuff on here, I'm not so sure anymore. I definitely have an avoidant side, and I definitely know what relationship anxiety is. So I suppose I'm FA, but none of the feelings people write about it apply to me, or so I don't think it does. And I would never dream of treating anyone as a discard (in a full fledged relationship - in dating, I have most definitely dismissed a person I was with). If I get to the point of telling someone I love them, I stick around until it's become silly to continue to do so. Everyone I've ever broken up with in a relationship I've had a conversation and an opportunity to help fix things. And not on a time table. I've had my heart broken 3-4 times (I consider myself luck for this, believe it or not). I am a person who leans more on the "love can conquer all" side of things, but it has to take 2. I generally date around, and do the breaking up. I've considered myself picky on a mate - but not particularly picky to date (I like the variety).
My tests show secure, very slight anxious, but it's tough to say when taking the tests, as I'm not in a long term relationship to reference right now.
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 28, 2019 20:01:17 GMT
nyc- exactly. Which makes me questions all the self-reported "secure" diagnoses everyone does around here. The vast majority of what I've read here by "secures" makes me feel that there's a lot of wishful thinking going on around here. Most of what I've read is full-on anxious. Sure it's triggered, but a secure would be able to dust it off after a couple of months. I *think* I'm secure, but after reading a bunch of the stuff on here, I'm not so sure anymore. I definitely have an avoidant side, and I definitely know what relationship anxiety is. So I suppose I'm FA, but none of the feelings people write about it apply to me, or so I don't think it does. And I would never dream of treating anyone as a discard (in a full fledged relationship - in dating, I have most definitely dismissed a person I was with). If I get to the point of telling someone I love them, I stick around until it's become silly to continue to do so. Everyone I've ever broken up with in a relationship I've had a conversation and an opportunity to help fix things. And not on a time table. I've had my heart broken 3-4 times (I consider myself luck for this, believe it or not). I am a person who leans more on the "love can conquer all" side of things, but it has to take 2. I generally date around, and do the breaking up. I've considered myself picky on a mate - but not particularly picky to date (I like the variety). My tests show secure, very slight anxious, but it's tough to say when taking the tests, as I'm not in a long term relationship to reference right now. I believe we all can be on the spectrum on any of this, secure, FA, AP, DA, etc. I know in my case, certain people bring out certain tendencies. I believe a lot depends on who is in your life, WHAT is going on in your life, and perhaps how medications are affecting you. I believe there are so many factors, and I don't believe that anyone is "only" solidly one thing at all times, you know? Different experiences can bring out different responses. I DO Know though that most of us are trying our best to get to secure so we can not have dysfunctional relationships, and that is our common bond here as well. |
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