An article on how to talk to FA about FA

I am on a board for FAs, correct? Is there a limit to the posts I can create as I try to sort this out? And I posted that article thinking perhaps it could be useful (or not ) to other.


If you remember, I said my FA is distancing himself and is currently deactivating, meaning, I am not really hearing from him. Am I now wrong to leave him alone and give him the space he needs right now? Or should I just call him and initiate a conversation about this because *I* feel like *I* want to clear the air RIGHT NOW?


Yes, you are challenging me, but you aren't challenging me in a productive way. It's confrontational and it feels personal, and I don't know why. It's not about you, is it? I am working on being thoughtful in my approach to someone that I love who needs to be spoken in a different way than I would need to. It's so funny that you seem offended by that.

I really don't. But Jules and Stu seem to know exactly where I'm coming from :-)

Ok, I accept that, but you did come off as a bit hostile with your " I don't understand" statements and "are you afraid to just speak to him" in a certain way. As far as not directly saying the words " I'm nervous about my own communication style" I didn't say that because it never crossed my mind. I am not nervous about my communication style, but that doesn't mean that I am not mindful enough to know that certain topics needs to be approached in the right way and the right place and time. That's not being nervous, that's me wanting to not waste my time by saying things the wrong way.

We are all here because we are struggling either with a certain attachment style or dealing with someone that has an attachment style. If I am posting too much for your liking, I am sorry for that. But as far as I know, anyone can skip a post they don't want to participate in.

Apology accepted, and let's move on.  I think at the end of the day, we are all here to support each other. Thanks for your input and thanks for sharing your experiences, it truly is all helpful.

I actually read the article (I'm not sure if everyone else replying did) and mostly liked it. I then read a few of her others and I like her perspective. I definitely don't think there is anything wrong with getting ideas on the best way to approach tricky topics with someone you care about!

I do think many of the suggestions in this article may only be effective if you are talking about communicating about this subject with someone who you are in a committed relationship with or who is at least not in a state of resisting communication. I don't think people who are, for example, being ghosted by an avoidant person should assume that it's going to get them any results to, for example, text or email an article about attachment theory and say, “What do you think about this?"

I like how the author actually focuses on how to start a dialogue about attachment theory, as opposed to how to tell an avoidant person you think they're avoidant. I like the suggestions to tell someone about your own attachment style or ask them if they'd like to take a quiz with you. 

People on the avoidant end of the spectrum (I also like to call them “highly boundaried” because they often feel they need to have walls up to stay safe) are not bad people. They aren’t mean. They often grew up in families where their parents wanted what was best for them. They were likely praised for how they completed tasks or activities rather than how they engaged emotionally. Emotional intelligence wasn’t highly valued in their family. This will be a learning edge for them; it will take time, safety, education, and in all likelihood, a partner or another close person to model what that looks like in relationships.


I literally love this.....that is my mom to a T......highly boundaried.....very task oriented.. I think it is such a brilliant and kind way of speaking about someone who has avoidant attachment.

I read this article and similar ones before and I agree with your sentiments. I was very motivated to do my best to be a solid person for my fa ex and be supportive and encouraging as I thought she was pretty self aware, and wanting to work through her stuff.

Even if someone is aware of how they are acting and how their patterns affect other people , that they know things they are doing are not normal and that they are wanting to change. It doesn't mean that even then they are ready to make that jump and be someone who can be a consistent partner.

My ex fa said and acknowlesged everything that went on with her without filter and knew that it wasn't normal and that she had a lot of issues and she wanted help, and didn't like the way it impacted her relationships and life. But here is the caveat. Anytime she de activated all of that goes right out the window and she will believe everything her impulses say to stay de activated from the attachment figure she pulled away from like myself.

Her mind will tell her all the reasons the other person is to be avoided and not trusted or whatever else. And she will completely change the way she acts and treats me in the midst of that. Later on after de activation stops then the regret, guilt, and shame start to come up. But at that point the damage incurred is already done, and she wasn't in a place to have better awareness and control when she does have those blow outs.

And rather then question and challenge those inpulses and feelings, she just followed them without any added awareness or space to separate from the thoughts and feelings. Even though we talked about exactly what happens during a de activation and how what is percieved during it isn't necessariky reality and the acknowledgement of that as well. It still didn't change anything the next time it happened. Because she wasn't quite there yet.


So this begs the question of what is a self aware person who is actively working on themsleves and has a better handle on things. That's a really important distinction to make when involved yourself with someone who has those things going on for themselves. Wanting to change and being open, and having a degree of self reflection and self awareness in hindset, or when in a stable mindset is one thing. But it's another to really handle challenging those patterns that come up when de activation happens and being able to hold a relationship together even then.