An article on how to talk to FA about FA

NYC, I think the best thing for you to do is give yourself some time. I learned about Attachment Theory about a month after my surprise-breakup, read a lot of books on it (Levine’s “Attached”, Jeb’s “Avoidant,” even the big medical books like Shaver’s “Handbook on Attachment Theory”). I spent about another month desperately wanting to communicate my “discovery” to my ex FA.

I spoke to my Secure friend about it and he understood Attachment Theory well. I told him I wanted to tell my ex FA, he just laughed and asked “why does it matter?” He was right. Awareness does not mean people want to change. In their minds, their automony is sacred, you throwing this information at them is trying to change them to suit your needs. They do not want to change for anybody (especially when they think The One who will love them unconditionally is out there!)

Also, as stu pointed out, even an aware FA can deactivate, hurt you, show remorse, then deactivate and ghost you all over again. You will be trapped in the Anxious-Avoidant dance as long as you keep reaching out to them and tolerating their bad behaviour.

Have you heard of the saying, you can bring a horse to water but you can’t make them drink? Well in this case, imagine the water is some mind-control tool. Your horse is not going to go near it, in fact, your horse will see it as more evidence that you are The Enemy.

Yes, this, 100%! There’s a thread here done by slowlybutsurely. One of the illustrations was a book that was titled “Stories I’ve Written about You that YOU CANNOT CHANGE.”

I understand exactly how you were feeling. In fact, I said the same things about my ex FA when he left me two months ago. I even used the same words — “wonderful” and “a good person.” It was my therapist who pointed out that hey, your ex’s actions are NOT what a good person would do. In fact, she would consider it abusive. It was a huge revelation to me.

Trust me, you do not want someone to be with you because the “settled” for you. If you want your best way of making him see how wonderful you are, you should be a) working on healing yourself and b) date other people after a few months, when you’re emotionally ready. I know it’s scary to think about “losing” your love for someone. The truth is, you only lose the longing for someone. As someone who’s lost that longing, I can tell you it feels great.

The funny thing Youtube coach Susan Winter, therapist Craig Kenneth, and a lot of people IRL told me the same thing — exes always come back when you’ve moved on.

💯💯💯💯💯

Its not good actions to be ghosting someone and or engaging in distancing behaviors because of de activation. However we also have to keep in mind the deep emotional turmoil the other person is in when that state is present. And how they aren't able to think or see things clearly as when they aren't in that state of mind. Of which they don't have full control over until they make much more progress on their own self awareness and self work to move past those old defense mechanisms and coping strategies. 

Is it rude and dismissive and really messed up behavior? Hell yes, and regardless of the underlying conflict going on it is never okay to act like that or treat someone like that. However for some people going through it there are so many reasons they have a hard time breaking out of it. Such as de activating because of that internal feeling of threat and death to self. Then they start to feel a bit better but all of a sudden the realization of all the harm they have done and the dread and shame of trying to reach out and connect because of repercussions of their behavior and how the other person reacts. These people can often have low self esteem and a sense of people pleasing, so when they let someone down that hard or hurt someone that badly.

They know what they did after the fact and often may feel to shameful or self loathing to even try and re connect because they may feel undeserving and too much of a screw up to even touch things again. Alternatively they could be so engrossed in their patterns that it may take many months or years before they see a clear picture of you again and realize the damage done and being able to look at their behavior. An emotional trauma that locks someone in a place of dissociation or makes them become a  wall of poor coping strategies and defense mechanisms. Sometimes its too hard to expect someone to be able to have the tools and skill sets to be on the same mindset and level of awareness as someone that does not have these issues going on. Doesn't mean they aren't accountable for their behaviors, just that it can take a lot of time before there is clarity for some people. Sometimes spanning years. Hurt people, hurt people and often they lash out at these imagined childhood figures that have let them down in the past and the environment that helped to form them into the person they are at present. 

That's why often there is nothing personal about it. Just someone who can be locked in a pattern of trauma. And then repeating the same behaviors in a cycle because of running off pure survival instincts and self preservation, trying to get their needs met, and self soothing in ways that can be destructive or hurtful to themselves or others in their life. So you separate yourself from them realizing this person is just not in the state of mind to have a healthy relationship, Is emotionally unavailable, and unable to reciprocate what you need to feel a fulfilling or rewarding relationship yourself. I say all of this to take away the sense of blame on the other person or any sense of being a victim of the experience. Acknowledging that you were hurt and need to separate yourself to protect your heart and well being is really important. But never forgetting also that these people aren't sociopaths or narcissist and they aren't going out there to intentionally use people and act maliciously towards others. We don't want to demonize someones insecure attachment style either. 


On the moving on and exes coming back in the picture, that is so very true. Every time I started moving on from things with my FA ex she always tried to get back into the picture again. And some might say that it was because I became unavailable to her but I was available again and we did sustain many months of dating after that where she did try her best and put an honest effort into working through her stuff and trying to stay connected with me, and you could see how anxious and uncomfortable she was with the close intimacy and growing interdependence on me every week that passed. However she still went out of her comfort zone and tried to do something that was difficult and not the easy thing to do for herself. I commend her for that and appreciate that she had given that effort and tried her best. The only part that sucks was seeing her regress to a state that was even worse then the previous de activation. And now going back to what is easier and safer for her again, but at the expense of people around her like me and getting the worst end of her out of control state right now. That's where I think someone is still being extremely selfish and not acting like a good person. When they know that they have issues and that there is help out there for them, what's going on for them. but rather then take that challenging road of growth.

They focus on their ownself preservation and hurt everyone else along the way by the choice to not change and keep doing what they always do. The other tricky thing about being romantically entangled with an FA or DA is that any attempts of you trying to help or geniunely being a good person. In their mind its easy for them to see you as someone who is trying to control them or take away their autonomy. So your efforts to help out and show someone a different way to work through things can and will often work against you. And make them resent you or want to run away or lash out at you. You become a threat to their sub conscious and means of self preservation so their ego will pull all the stops out to make sure they are protected and you being the threat you are to those old defense mechanisms and survival mechanism are swiftly taken care of. It can be brutal and make them see you as a completely different version and fractured sense of individual then who and what you are really. And that gives them the ability to forcibly detach themselves or de activate from you without much effort. because somewhere in their head something happened to make the behavior be the best course of action. 

As a friend or someone that is not romantically tied up with the person this might be easier to work through. But when you build a strong emotional, sexual, and romantic pair bonding with someone as a life partner. Its way too messy on both sides to really navigate and be able to handle. That's why both people need to be in a place where they can both handle and respond to the needs and commitments of what a relationship really is. If someone is working through some AP traits, FA traits, Or DA traits but is mostly healthy over all and has more control and awareness over themselves then that's okay and a relationship can work. But for people that aren't very self aware and on the deeper end of things without actively addressing their challenges and being completely enmeshed with their patterns. Its just a matter of time until the patterns that always play out for them rear their head and continue to happen in the same ways all over again.  I had assumed and hoped with my Fa ex that the level of self awareness she had along with the desire for change and help. That being with her and being dependable, caring, loving, supportive and consistent, she would feel a stronger desire to risk intimacy due to our connection and a better sense of ease about working through her stuff because she had someone their who had her back and could show her what things look like outside the old roles she had played out in her life. She did try and do her best for sometime too. But in the end wasn't quite there enough to follow through and not get sucked back into old habits. But I guess that's also the risk you have to take sometimes. 

This exact same thing happened to me as well. My dad was extremely physically and verbally abusive, so my boyfriend seemed amazing in comparison. I told myself, “I know what abuse is, so I will never be in an abusive relationship.” Boy, was I wrong. I blamed myself when my ex FA flirted with other women in front of me, made fun of me in front of his colleagues, or personally attacked my character. My therapist had to point out, “a good man would never make fun of you. He would be proud to show you off!”

My therapist explained that what happens is, when we have someone in our past who is awful, every other person who is slightly better is seen as SO much better. In fact, they are NOT. Ghosting is abusive. It doesn’t matter if he was misguided or not. Same crime, same punishment.

I know how amazing, “I found my soulmate” feeling is. But FAs, especially extreme ones, simply cannot commit. Read some books and see what I mean about reality distortion. Their subconscious will write stories about you that you cannot change. In my case, my ex FA accused me of planning to leave him.

My therapist told me that our boundaries define how well some treats us. Therapist Craig Kenneth talks about The Ben Franklin Effect in one of his videos. The nicer you are to this Ghoster, the more worthless you are to him.

I just want to tell you that you are a good, devoted person. But are you Secure? (A good self-esteem does not automatically make you a Secure!) Remember, Avoidants can only match well with Secures. A Secure person will not chase after being ghosted. They will recognise their time is precious and find someone better.

I’m glad your FA never flirted in front of you, but I would have to say, ghosting you is a lot worse. It doesn’t matter what’s going on internally.

My ex FA also acted like a gentleman for most of the two years we would be together. He would also apologise when I told him something upset me. Then he dropped a bombshell on me, two days before breaking up with me. He said every time he apologised I was controlling him, and “why should I apologise for who I am? I am never going to change.” Now, I have NEVER asked him to apologise for me being upset, I was only trying to communicate my feelings. I explicitly told him “I’m not asking for an apology” during those times and somehow he still got the idea that I’m trying to make him do just that.

Jeb’s “Avoidant” and Levine’s “Attached” book both talk about this. Secure/ AP people bond and get closer after resolving conflict. Avoidants do not! Instead, their mind keeps score about how awful you were. Their subconscious does it to distance themselves from you.



Just see it like this — you never seeing him again means he might actually be closer at becoming aware.