Advice for an anxious friend

This sounds like trauma bonding. For me, it would have made a difference to know that my friends weren't judging me for being stuck, but at the same time, to encourage me to make small steps toward gaining self-esteem and making decisions to change my life. Honestly it sounds like you’re doing all the right things. You obviously can’t be his therapist, but therapy (especially couples therapy), could help him a lot.

Do you think his relationship is abusive? It sounds like he may be in denial about the severity of the situation.

When I discovered I was AP, I was grateful something made sense and I wasn't alone but didn't have any idea what to do with the information. For years! The next step actually would have been understanding one can become more secure, and insecure attachment doesn't have to be permanent. It wasn't an intuitive thought at all. He may not be ready to hear it (doesn't sound like it if he's reading into his own attachment style simply as validating his beliefs), in which case you honestly can't really do anything except tell him if his ruminating is ever dumping too much on you before it gets to a breaking point for you.

Thank you all, for your responses. I believe he is being verbally abused, emotionally manipulated. I also see how he is engaged in angry protest behavior with her. It's impossible to say which came first, the chicken or the egg, of course. What I do know is he is not in control of his own well being, and I know that's his own dilemma to address but it's just so sad to see him totally controlled by this- by her, by his attachment anxiety, and his despair.

We have a coffee chat today and I'll listen and be his friend. It doesn't bother me, that he needs to talk. I just say the same things all the time. He's very confused as to whether or not he deserves this treatment and whether he is to blame for it. Oh- here's a big one. She is not receptive to him sexually very much any more. That's a huge hit to him. He blames himself for having too high of a drive. I see this as sex being a way the attachment stuff plays out, big time. He needs, she rejects. These situations are just completely incompatible, in my opinion, so just express that. I feel angry at the woman for being mean to my friend, it's a protective thing- but I also know that he's right there, committed to the dysfunction.

Our friendship is safe and strictly platonic but he hides it, not because she has shown jealousy but because he himself is a jealous person, and he wouldn't feel ok with her having a friend that's male. My position with this, is that is not my choice or within my control- I have no need to cause this woman pain by my presence. It's just a messy situation, all around. I just want my friend to feel not alone, and to have someone able to see things objectively, at least more objectively than he can.

My avoidant-origins friends and I process and analyze and make decisions in a very different way. Very different conversations, and concerns. So this is challenging only in that I don't know how best to approach it.

Again, thanks and I'll see how today goes. He's in a very bad place, unfortunately.

I like Brene Browns approach:
m.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

Thank you for the video, I will be able to watch it later today. We met for coffee, and he said that he is so thankful for our friendship and it just helps him to know I care. Our relationship is like brother/sister, and in the past before he met her we were able to hike together and just enjoy the connection. He won't do that anymore as he feels it is untrue to her, which I respect. He's a very loyal man. That's one of the qualities that I have to le him, make him such a good person. Anyway, he mentioned today that he never felt as peaceful as when he did when we would hike, and he wants to bring that feeling back to his life. He knows he can't go on, like he is. So I just told him that I know he will get to the place he needs to be, and I am not going anywhere. We had good laughs about things not related to any of it, and he was in a good place when we parted.

So yeah, I see that me just listening and having compassion for his emotions and thoughts is helpful for him. It actually calms him in the moment. That's part of what I am learning also in SE therapy, about ventral-vagal regulation between people.

@inmourning, the good news is if he hits some kind of true emotional rock bottom, he will think about alternate perspectives his friends gave him as he tries to unwrap it all. So what you're saying now may very well really help in the distant future IF he's ever ready to seriously tackle his side of things.

But otherwise I agree with tnr9 about him looking for validation over actual answers right now.

@inmourning, you're not enabling him exactly, because it's not like you're cheerleading he stay in a toxic situation. And it is good to try to influence him to de-personalize it. It's very tough for an AP to see a partner's behavior as not the AP's fault, even when it isn't at all. The issue is he's stuck in his pattern and he's going to hear what he wants to hear and he's going to ruminate with anyone he feels comfortable sharing with because he can't regulate his own emotions. So airing them out in this way gives him some validation he can't find himself, unless something comes up in the conversation that's anxiously triggering to him.

That's why I said it's more of a long-term support thing, by consistently saying this isn't what a healthy relationship looks like and offering him a perspective he can maybe revisit in the future. But APs are capable of ruminating endlessly with no satisfying stopping point because what they are actually unconsciously ruminating about is their lack of self-worth and self-acceptance, wrapped into a fear of abandonment. That's why he's hoping he can figure out a way to win her over and not get abandoned -- that is, in his estimation, a reflection of his worth. Which is why he'll be devastated when they break up even though it's for the best (especially if she's already withdrawing and deactivating sexually).