Advice for an anxious friend

@inmourning, I'm sure his perspective entirely shifts depending on if she's been nice/available lately and shows signs that she COULD just come around if he hangs out a little longer and is the perfect partner. Then he feels good and less anxious about it so he amplifies that part and decides it's all the hope he needs to stick around. That's why it's important to learn no, a healthy relationship isn't just the good times are good... it's far more about how partners work together in the low moments. But that's not what pop culture teaches you, so the AP is like, all you need is [fantasy-bond] "love"!

tnr9 yes, its hard to understand but I see that my friend and I move in opposite directions, 180 degree disparity, when hurt or unhappy. It's just an opposite reaction, and so talking him through all this is surprising to me because he will be so angry and fed up and then the next thing I hear is how he just wonders what he's doing wrong, and he's trying to appease her. I don't think she's onl avoidant- something going on in her with a mean streak.

I can elaborate on that maybe later, I don't mind.  I'm about to be out of pocket for the day, but I'll return to it. 

iz42 really all I am referring to here is the well known differences between AP and DA. Also, the differences between talking to an aware DA vs. and unaware AP, that can't be minimized here.

So for instance, if my DA friend is facing negative behavior in terms of insults and demeaning behavior from a partner, she won't be coming to me saying "I wonder what I did wrong to cause him to act this way?!" or "I try to do this or that, I don't know what I could do differently to get him to stop." or "Is this mean?" (My AP friend seems to have trouble knowing whats acceptable and what's not.)

My DA girlfriend would more likely see her partners abusive behavior as a reflection of his own flaw. This is actually not a bad way to see that. There is not a tendency to blame ourselves for someone else's bad behavior and it goes along with the one person psychology set up in a person with an avoidant adaptation . The single person psychology just naturally is wired for "You do you, I'll do me." Thats the way avoidant adaptation is conditioned. I think it plays out in several ways. There is the way described in the couple in the "Healing DA" thread, that describes one scenario. But the strict boundaries between "What's yours" and "What's mine" could play out in not being as sensitive to rejection, not taking blame that isn't ours, etc. No one here has to agree or co-sign any of this, I'm just speaking to my experience , and the therapeutic work I have done around it as well.

My therapist said that this one person self reliance is not all bad, not at all, and in fact makes things go good in a lot of ways- It is just necessary to integrate and become interdependent to enjoy a secure relationship.

So all the AP thoughts are quite different from DA thoughts, and also the DA approach to problem solving is more pragmatic so conversations about relationship difficulty have differing priorities and personal values attached. All of these are well known.

Also- my friend's big belief seems to be that he would be better off if he could fix this relationship. When he is activated, this turns into protest behavior. Sure, it's good to have the mind of reconciliation and compromise- but it drives him to unhealthy capitulations and sacrifice and tolerance of abuse. I

n contrast. A DA core belief is that they are best alone. So during deactivation, or with a lot of difficulty, my friends and I (aware of attachment) do acknowledge that belief (and have both experienced good life alone, so it's not all untrue). We have to try to get balance and consider.... is this just avoidance talking or would I really be better off with out this ? The answer to that question is typically found through an analysis of what is good, what is bad, what our boundaries are, if abuse is happening, if we are failing to be appropriate in some way, etc. Maybe there is something we haven't said about our wants or needs that we need to be open about. The discussion is much less emotional and reactive. And, we typically actually are looking for the next right move. We may end a conversation with an idea of what to be aware of going forward. We may not have a clear answer, but it is clear we are in pursuit of the solution. And we actually follow up with each other on what we are learning as we go, what we are deciding, what we are thinking. If we are confused, we say that. But there doesn't seem to be the black/white thinking based on what the partner is doing because we are not as externally influenced? We are trying to figure out our response. We do intend to have an impactful response and not be controlled by ithe negative situation. That independence is always. a factor that is in play.

It's just different. We both are aware, but even awareness doesn't count for the vast differences in how we approach these kinds of conversations about relationships (compared to AP approach)

And @shiningstar that is what I have been able to do for him I think. He often texts me after our talks and apologizes for being in a bad space, he hopes he didn't annoy me, etc. I always reply that I know for sure, If I went to the emergency room I could call him, if I broke down on the road I could call him, if I'm sad I could call him, so no trouble, it's what friends are for. He actually is one of my best friends. I do let him know why.

I'm not saying the "You do you and I do me" is one way or the other good or bad, I'm only saying it is a cognitive thought process that differs between AP and DA- that was the question I was answering is all. 

Obviously interdependence means being able to be flexible and integrate into a two person system. That is not the natural conditioned way for a DA, just like independence is not the natural conditioned way of AP. Both have to come to the middle. Both have unique struggles getting there.

yes definitely - I totally agree with you. I was trying to put in words my AP experience of being triggered by it, to illustrate the AP-DA gap. "you do you and I do me" is something that is completely missing from an AP's dictionary, because it also indicates alot of independence and that is something that APs do not know how to have nor feel comfortable having. This is why I'm saying that the real challenge here is in wanting to define those boundaries for the self - because for the AP, the real struggle is being independent AND to not feel ashamed or guilty for it.