jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
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Post by jules on Jan 1, 2020 18:10:06 GMT
Why is this man continuing to text me?
I finally said I cant talk to him for a while. Hurts.
He literally texted as I was standing in line to return his Christmas gift.
No contact is the only way to get over this.
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Post by nyc718 on Jan 1, 2020 19:10:49 GMT
Why is this man continuing to text me? I finally said I cant talk to him for a while. Hurts. He literally texted as I was standing in line to return his Christmas gift. No contact is the only way to get over this. I'm assuming this is an FA in your life? an ex? If so, you know why, he's got his own damage that he isn't dealing with. Either tell him clearly to check out completely and leave you alone, or block him. Otherwise you will always get these random contacts, and it will always fuck with you until you have moved on from him and/or done some healing work on yourself. My most recent ex FA hasn't contacted me once, not a peep, and I'm fine with that. I don't want to hear from him for a long time as I have a lot of work to do on myself, and I do not want him getting in the way of that. My other ex FA from two years ago who contacted me right before Christmas, well, it may as well have been ten years that I've heard from him. Nothing feels better than to hear from someone who once had you so emotionally tangled up, and feel....nothing. But I had to take charge of the situation at the time and tell him that I was done, and I backed it up with not responding to any of his subsequent bids for an ego boost or whatever it was that he was looking for. My own mental health was far more important than any hope that I once held that I actually mattered to this person. A person shows you what you mean to them by how they treat you. That's the bottom line. Please let 2020 be a year of change for you, and no more dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships. That is one of my goals. Sending you hugs. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 1, 2020 20:59:09 GMT
...and I’ll add, no dating in the firm! It’s tempting, but it’s a real nightmare when things go awry because you will run into this person. I couldn’t think of much worse than having meeting choice limited by someone I didn’t want to see.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 1, 2020 21:18:05 GMT
I completely agree nyc718 - nothing does feel better than hearing from an ex who used to have you all tangled up emotionally and then...you feel nothing. Empowering! I also agree that a person can take charge to help that process along. I recently blocked an FA who I had absolutely no feelings for anymore but he’d still text me every week or so- just to talk. But he still would make sexual innuendos and said he still believed we’d get back together someday. I decided to just block him bc I already told him how I felt and I didn’t want to see his random texts even though I’ve been over him a few years- I also didn’t want to feed his ego or give him hope as I know I’m truly done w him and no going back. Sometimes it makes no sense to be in contact. You owe him nothing. Guard your heart. 💙 |
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Post by serenity on Jan 1, 2020 22:14:45 GMT
Why is this man continuing to text me? I finally said I cant talk to him for a while. Hurts. He literally texted as I was standing in line to return his Christmas gift. No contact is the only way to get over this. No contact for 2-3 months, and blocking so he can't sabotage your healing. You don't have to explain it more than you have already. Blocking is hard, after you've done the dance with an avoidant. You get used to craving crumbs of connection, and blocking feels like an end to the crumb trail. It always hurts me when I do it; the feelings of loss , and probably addiction to intermittent reinforcement, come on strong for me . I cry and feel poorly, sometimes sob a lot in the first 2 weeks. I feel the mental strain of reminding myself often why I need to do this, and the many moments of weakness. But every time I stay strong, by the one month mark I am well on the road to feeling okay and enjoying clarity again. By 3 months I'm fully detoxed. By 6-12 months, they can never get to my heart again. (This usually depends on the duration and strength of connection...it can take less time) . I don't have dramatic or messy or blamey breakups, so often I'll reconnect as platonic friends, if there is a good reason for it. You can do this Jules. |
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Post by amber on Jan 1, 2020 22:29:02 GMT
Why is this man continuing to text me? I finally said I cant talk to him for a while. Hurts. He literally texted as I was standing in line to return his Christmas gift. No contact is the only way to get over this. No contact for 2-3 months, and blocking so he can't sabotage your healing. You don't have to explain it more than you have already. Blocking is hard, after you've done the dance with an avoidant. You get used to craving crumbs of connection, and blocking feels like an end to the crumb trail. It always hurts me when I do it; the feelings of loss , and probably addiction to intermittent reinforcement, come on strong for me . I cry and feel poorly, sometimes sob a lot in the first 2 weeks. I feel the mental strain of reminding myself often why I need to do this, and the many moments of weakness. But every time I stay strong, by the one month mark I am well on the road to feeling okay and enjoying clarity again. By 3 months I'm fully detoxed. By 6-12 months, they can never get to my heart again. I don't have dramatic or messy or blamey breakups, so often I'll reconnect as platonic friends, if there is a good reason for it. You can do this Jules. This is fascinating. I’m week six post my break up and sometimes it feels like it’s geting worse, not better. I keep finding things I want answers to which makes it feel more complicated. Missing him more and more as time goes on too...I’m hoping it will fade but feels like it’s getting stronger. I suppose crying it out helps to process it faster?! |
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Post by serenity on Jan 1, 2020 22:48:17 GMT
No contact for 2-3 months, and blocking so he can't sabotage your healing. You don't have to explain it more than you have already. Blocking is hard, after you've done the dance with an avoidant. You get used to craving crumbs of connection, and blocking feels like an end to the crumb trail. It always hurts me when I do it; the feelings of loss , and probably addiction to intermittent reinforcement, come on strong for me . I cry and feel poorly, sometimes sob a lot in the first 2 weeks. I feel the mental strain of reminding myself often why I need to do this, and the many moments of weakness. But every time I stay strong, by the one month mark I am well on the road to feeling okay and enjoying clarity again. By 3 months I'm fully detoxed. By 6-12 months, they can never get to my heart again. I don't have dramatic or messy or blamey breakups, so often I'll reconnect as platonic friends, if there is a good reason for it. You can do this Jules. This is fascinating. I’m week six post my break up and sometimes it feels like it’s geting worse, not better. I keep finding things I want answers to which makes it feel more complicated. Missing him more and more as time goes on too...I’m hoping it will fade but feels like it’s getting stronger. I suppose crying it out helps to process it faster?! Hugs Amber, I am so sorry you're going through this during the holidays  Honestly that sounds like a normal reaction to a traumatic breakup after a LTR that you didn't initiate. Trauma does some intense stuff to our brain chemistry, that biologically needs around 3 months to stabilize. Things like your serotonin, hormones, and dopamine levels are swinging wildly. It makes your emotions unstable and your mind is highly stressed. Think of it like intense PMS... you come through it in the end, but while at the mercy of your biology you are helpless for a little while. I know you feel rejected, but keep reading about Avoidants and intermittent reinforcement. Where you will get mentally is realizing that the truth is you reject him too; he is a bad fit for you. He lets you down in important ways and he can't change. You don't want to be treated this bad, and you never want to feel pain like this again. And you didn't in any way deserve it. You were a good partner who did your best with a broken man. |
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Post by amber on Jan 1, 2020 23:59:44 GMT
This is fascinating. I’m week six post my break up and sometimes it feels like it’s geting worse, not better. I keep finding things I want answers to which makes it feel more complicated. Missing him more and more as time goes on too...I’m hoping it will fade but feels like it’s getting stronger. I suppose crying it out helps to process it faster?! Hugs Amber, I am so sorry you're going through this during the holidays Honestly that sounds like a normal reaction to a traumatic breakup after a LTR that you didn't initiate. Trauma does some intense stuff to our brain chemistry, that biologically needs around 3 months to stabilize. Things like your serotonin, hormones, and dopamine levels are swinging wildly. It makes your emotions unstable and your mind is highly stressed. Think of it like intense PMS... you come through it in the end, but while at the mercy of your biology you are helpless for a little while. I know you feel rejected, but keep reading about Avoidants and intermittent reinforcement. Where you will get mentally is realizing that the truth is you reject him too; he is a bad fit for you. He lets you down in important ways and he can't change. You don't want to be treated this bad, and you never want to feel pain like this again. And you didn't in any way deserve it. You were a good partner who did your best with a broken man. Thankyou. I do know this, it’s just the emotions are so intense.im doing a typical AP thing of blaming myself, and wondering if I put too much pressure on him to be my “happily ever after”...since this breakup I’ve realised there probably isn’t such a thing anyway, the world is such a complicated place to live and most people have complex lives with complex histories...to think you can find a partner to meet even the majority of your needs seems impossible. He has two kids and one he is raising mostly on his own, it’s like I couldn’t see the reality of what this was like for him and expected too much... a single parent can only provide so much in a relationship. Urgh. Feeling the worst today. Thanks for your encouraging words |
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Post by serenity on Jan 2, 2020 0:28:48 GMT
Thankyou. I do know this, it’s just the emotions are so intense.im doing a typical AP thing of blaming myself, and wondering if I put too much pressure on him to be my “happily ever after”...since this breakup I’ve realised there probably isn’t such a thing anyway, the world is such a complicated place to live and most people have complex lives with complex histories...to think you can find a partner to meet even the majority of your needs seems impossible. He has two kids and one he is raising mostly on his own, it’s like I couldn’t see the reality of what this was like for him and expected too much... a single parent can only provide so much in a relationship. Urgh. Feeling the worst today. Thanks for your encouraging words Hugs, I'm sorry you're having a bad day <3 I honestly think that guy's issues went waaaay deeper than being a single parent. I've known plenty of single parents including family, who still desired and welcomed a good partner in their lives. I sometimes think of the self blame thing as the `bargaining' phase of grief. Your mind wants a way out of the pain, and if you blame yourself that's something you can control and bargain with. I read your story Amber and I know you regret trying so hard to resolve the conflict when he ended the relationship. But you did that out of the goodness and love in your heart. The traumatic and ruthless way he discarded you after all that time is what triggered it...and most people do lose it when they get treated that way. I can say from experience, even if you accepted the sudden disconnect 100% gracefully and didn't pursue, you wouldn't have changed his behavior. His issues are deep routed and he needs to be fully aware and want to work with you to remain present in a relationship. Most avoidants don't seek that kind of self awareness because they are pretty good at getting what they need and ignoring the needs of others. |
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Post by amber on Jan 2, 2020 0:35:51 GMT
Thankyou. I do know this, it’s just the emotions are so intense.im doing a typical AP thing of blaming myself, and wondering if I put too much pressure on him to be my “happily ever after”...since this breakup I’ve realised there probably isn’t such a thing anyway, the world is such a complicated place to live and most people have complex lives with complex histories...to think you can find a partner to meet even the majority of your needs seems impossible. He has two kids and one he is raising mostly on his own, it’s like I couldn’t see the reality of what this was like for him and expected too much... a single parent can only provide so much in a relationship. Urgh. Feeling the worst today. Thanks for your encouraging words Hugs, I'm sorry you're having a bad day <3 I honestly think that guy's issues went waaaay deeper than being a single parent. I've known plenty of single parents including family, who still desired and welcomed a good partner in their lives. I sometimes think of the self blame thing as the `bargaining' phase of grief. Your mind wants a way out of the pain, and if you blame yourself that's something you can control and bargain with. I read your story Amber and I know you regret trying so hard to resolve the conflict when he ended the relationship. But you did that out of the goodness and love in your heart. The traumatic and ruthless way he discarded you after all that time is what triggered it...and most people do lose it when they get treated that way. I can say from experience, even if you accepted the sudden disconnect 100% gracefully and didn't pursue, you wouldn't have changed his behavior. His issues are deep routed and he needs to be fully aware and want to work with you to remain present in a relationship. Most avoidants don't seek that kind of self awareness because they are pretty good at getting what they need and ignoring the needs of others. Thankyou. Your words are very helpful. That is true. My father raised me and my sister mostly alone when we were teenagers and he had a girlfriend for 14 years who he welcomed into his life. I probably am bargaining, wishing I could have done things differently in order to have changed the outcome , change him ending things. His history shows he isn’t capable of sustaining long term intimacy, which is evidence enough.i think I was hoping I would be the special one who could change him. He did stay with me longer than anyone else he had been with the last ten years, so I was deluded when we were together to think that I had someone “‘made it” with him. I’m having those thoughts of “I’ll never find someone who is such a good listener, so caring and affectionate etc”...I find most men to be terrible listeners so even getting that quality in someone seems like a hard find! |
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Post by amber on Jan 2, 2020 0:40:36 GMT
Thankyou. I do know this, it’s just the emotions are so intense.im doing a typical AP thing of blaming myself, and wondering if I put too much pressure on him to be my “happily ever after”...since this breakup I’ve realised there probably isn’t such a thing anyway, the world is such a complicated place to live and most people have complex lives with complex histories...to think you can find a partner to meet even the majority of your needs seems impossible. He has two kids and one he is raising mostly on his own, it’s like I couldn’t see the reality of what this was like for him and expected too much... a single parent can only provide so much in a relationship. Urgh. Feeling the worst today. Thanks for your encouraging words Hugs, I'm sorry you're having a bad day <3 I honestly think that guy's issues went waaaay deeper than being a single parent. I've known plenty of single parents including family, who still desired and welcomed a good partner in their lives. I sometimes think of the self blame thing as the `bargaining' phase of grief. Your mind wants a way out of the pain, and if you blame yourself that's something you can control and bargain with. I read your story Amber and I know you regret trying so hard to resolve the conflict when he ended the relationship. But you did that out of the goodness and love in your heart. The traumatic and ruthless way he discarded you after all that time is what triggered it...and most people do lose it when they get treated that way. I can say from experience, even if you accepted the sudden disconnect 100% gracefully and didn't pursue, you wouldn't have changed his behavior. His issues are deep routed and he needs to be fully aware and want to work with you to remain present in a relationship. Most avoidants don't seek that kind of self awareness because they are pretty good at getting what they need and ignoring the needs of others. We had some contact last night with plans to meet and discuss his incongruencies prior to breaking up. So I think I’m massively triggered by this.in his texts it came across (I am probably reading too much into this) like he is over it and has moved on. There’s a part of me that wishes he would still be pining for me and be in pain like I am or realising what he has lost! |
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Post by nyc718 on Jan 2, 2020 2:16:02 GMT
Hugs, I'm sorry you're having a bad day <3 I honestly think that guy's issues went waaaay deeper than being a single parent. I've known plenty of single parents including family, who still desired and welcomed a good partner in their lives. I sometimes think of the self blame thing as the `bargaining' phase of grief. Your mind wants a way out of the pain, and if you blame yourself that's something you can control and bargain with. I read your story Amber and I know you regret trying so hard to resolve the conflict when he ended the relationship. But you did that out of the goodness and love in your heart. The traumatic and ruthless way he discarded you after all that time is what triggered it...and most people do lose it when they get treated that way. I can say from experience, even if you accepted the sudden disconnect 100% gracefully and didn't pursue, you wouldn't have changed his behavior. His issues are deep routed and he needs to be fully aware and want to work with you to remain present in a relationship. Most avoidants don't seek that kind of self awareness because they are pretty good at getting what they need and ignoring the needs of others. We had some contact last night with plans to meet and discuss his incongruencies prior to breaking up. So I think I’m massively triggered by this.in his texts it came across (I am probably reading too much into this) like he is over it and has moved on. There’s a part of me that wishes he would still be pining for me and be in pain like I am or realising what he has lost! Being in touch with him will definitely trigger you, especially if it seems he's showing that he doesn't want to get back together, that will make you massively anxious. I had a similar "talk" with my ex FA after we had broken up, and it was kind of ridiculous looking back. He had twisted up all these things in his head to justify his distancing, but I didn't realize that until later on. At the time of the conversation, I was like...huh?? None of this makes sense, and no matter what I said to try to reassure him, I couldn't convince him he was wrong. I realized later that that was his FA kicking in to push me away. Well, it worked. He pushed me so far away I never came back! And then look, two years later he was trying to contact me, and I am completely and utterly over him. But also, the subsequent crumbs he was throwing me post break up really kept setting me back and was otherwise stalling my healing. It wasn't until I told him I am DONE and refused to respond to him did I really start to heal and move on from having any more feelings for him. If your conversation goes in a similar way, please remember it's not about you, not that it is anyway. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 2, 2020 2:23:34 GMT
I sound like a broken record. Avoidants don’t operate in a vacuum. It takes two to be involved in this dance. This man has deactivated and this part of the cycle.
Strangely enough, I’ve experienced both sides of this recently, and know what it’s like to be all consumed and ruminating. It’s an awful place. With one, I had to hold my breath and block her after she’d call me in the middle of the night with a few drinks under her belt, and I’d asked her not to. I was entranced, but incredibly conflicted. With the help of here, I held my nose and blocked her, and it got better. I’ve never rejected someone unless deactivated before.
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Post by amber on Jan 2, 2020 2:35:06 GMT
We had some contact last night with plans to meet and discuss his incongruencies prior to breaking up. So I think I’m massively triggered by this.in his texts it came across (I am probably reading too much into this) like he is over it and has moved on. There’s a part of me that wishes he would still be pining for me and be in pain like I am or realising what he has lost! Being in touch with him will definitely trigger you, especially if it seems he's showing that he doesn't want to get back together, that will make you massively anxious. I had a similar "talk" with my ex FA after we had broken up, and it was kind of ridiculous looking back. He had twisted up all these things in his head to justify his distancing, but I didn't realize that until later on. At the time of the conversation, I was like...huh?? None of this makes sense, and no matter what I said to try to reassure him, I couldn't convince him he was wrong. I realized later that that was his FA kicking in to push me away. Well, it worked. He pushed me so far away I never came back! And then look, two years later he was trying to contact me, and I am completely and utterly over him. But also, the subsequent crumbs he was throwing me post break up really kept setting me back and was otherwise stalling my healing. It wasn't until I told him I am DONE and refused to respond to him did I really start to heal and move on from having any more feelings for him. If your conversation goes in a similar way, please remember it's not about you, not that it is anyway. Yeah I actually feel dizzy and nauseous over this. By far and away the most triggered I’ve ever felt in r/ship, and I’ve had two long term ones, one that went for almost seven years.i am NOT blaming him for the triggers either,I get they are old wounds, and that I was attracted to him for a reason. But omg can’t believe how much this person pushes my attachment buttons! |
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Post by nyc718 on Jan 2, 2020 3:21:51 GMT
Being in touch with him will definitely trigger you, especially if it seems he's showing that he doesn't want to get back together, that will make you massively anxious. I had a similar "talk" with my ex FA after we had broken up, and it was kind of ridiculous looking back. He had twisted up all these things in his head to justify his distancing, but I didn't realize that until later on. At the time of the conversation, I was like...huh?? None of this makes sense, and no matter what I said to try to reassure him, I couldn't convince him he was wrong. I realized later that that was his FA kicking in to push me away. Well, it worked. He pushed me so far away I never came back! And then look, two years later he was trying to contact me, and I am completely and utterly over him. But also, the subsequent crumbs he was throwing me post break up really kept setting me back and was otherwise stalling my healing. It wasn't until I told him I am DONE and refused to respond to him did I really start to heal and move on from having any more feelings for him. If your conversation goes in a similar way, please remember it's not about you, not that it is anyway. Yeah I actually feel dizzy and nauseous over this. By far and away the most triggered I’ve ever felt in r/ship, and I’ve had two long term ones, one that went for almost seven years.i am NOT blaming him for the triggers either,I get they are old wounds, and that I was attracted to him for a reason. But omg can’t believe how much this person pushes my attachment buttons! I've said this countless times, but hypnotherapy helped me immensely to get to that place where my head and my subconscious could agree, so that the pain from my most recent breakup hasn't been as difficult as it could be. The body is sensing danger and it's hard for it to not connect it directly to your current situation. Please give it a shot! And I hope it's as helpful as it was for me. I was very motivated too, so I know that had a lot to do with how well it worked for me. |
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Honestly that sounds like a normal reaction to a traumatic breakup after a LTR that you didn't initiate. Trauma does some intense stuff to our brain chemistry, that biologically needs around 3 months to stabilize. Things like your serotonin, hormones, and dopamine levels are swinging wildly. It makes your emotions unstable and your mind is highly stressed. Think of it like intense PMS... you come through it in the end, but while at the mercy of your biology you are helpless for a little while.