I do not understand

Yes, but if your response to that is not to look high level and say, hey I'm not being respected, and my partner refuses to / is unable to communicate and negotiate through this with me, so this relationship isn't serving me. I wish this person well, but I deserve a consistent partner... then there's a reason on your end that you're choosing to stay in an unhappy situation. The half-baked relationship is perhaps partially meeting your needs and you don't truly believe you can find one that is whole.

But I love them isn't a good reason, because it's always implying you love them more than yourself. They used to be nice at the beginning, let's find a way to get back to that, also isn't a good reason. That was a fantasy projection. Now is who they really are, and that doesn't mean you should save them either.

It's not easy, but if you get stuck in the dance, there's issues on your own side worth looking into.

I do qualify this with, if it's not attachment and it's a partner who has fallen on really hard times due to illness or real life losses, then yes, stick around and loyally support your partner and work through that. But when it's the attachment flip, then once you've observed this inconsistent and unavailable situation is the norm (and someone who is occasionally presenting as emotionally available on and off is not by definition emotionally available), then you're responsible for choosing to stay in the cycle if you don't shut it down.

That's exactly what I mean. There is some behaviour inconsistencies that, once seen, a secure person will see as a deal breaker, no matter now empathetic they are. And it is hard when people are on their best behaviour in the early stages. I say it a bit because it's human nature to point the finger, rather than to look at the part we play, ourselves, in any dynamic. I don't have the answers, I'm sharing my own experience.  

depends if the secure truly loves that person, just from literal personal experience. If you can see "the good" in someone, and they're not totally "toxic", then imao, it's worthwhile trying to help them. You just cannot expect a healthy relationship, I've detached my self from my FA ex, have lovingly explained her behaviour to her, and linked some stuff, I hope she awakens and gains true self love and happiness for the remainder of her life, she's 40 now. My FA is kind, incredibly self sacrificing in many ways (people pleaser) and although that is linked inherently to CPTSD, codependency etc, I know she is a good person and watching her struggle daily with the health issues and the emotional torment, I felt a need to try and awaken her and take her pain away hopefully. I would never accept the codependency/dependency, intermittent reinforcement of the relationship, and until she healed somewhat, gained some self love to accept a true secures love for her and not be overwhelmed, and an ability to truly communicate her feelings to me, then there is no relationship, it's simply not possible, it's a fantasy bond and codependent in nature which is harmful and toxic.

To answer Kittygirl above also. The same happened to me, I dated an unaware (now aware because I told her lovingly) Fearful-Avoidant, and she was low self esteem and inner critic voice instantly "I don't know why you are with me, you are too good for me", "If you leave me, I'll never get over it" etc etc. Then when I tried to calmly talk about it, she pulled away for 24 hours massively and said "I know i've lost you, just find someone else, i'm a mess" etc etc, I didn't leave, I coaxed her around, but then she couldn't see me for a month, as she used her children as a weapon to keep distance, this after 3 months dating and seeing each other from once a week, once a fortnight when she had child free time. Never changed my behaviour, I am a natural secure, so it matters little. I then was triggered behind the scenes towards anxiety with the intermittent reinforcement, I never accepted it and placed boundaries, which hurt her further, as she seemed to go into a depressive state. So it truly matters little with an unaware F-A imao from my experience, the descriptions are very accurate. I have no doubts an A-P would be an explosive start to a relationship with both in anxious mode fantasy bonding skyrocketing the limerence, and resulting in a massive F-A pull back after a month or two within that initial honeymoon phase. The reason for my 3 monther was I questioned her clear dismissive-avoidant tendency, and as Thais Gibson (self proclaimed F-A on youtube) says "an F-A's relationship security is thought of whilst in the anxious side". So once you trigger an F-As D-A side, good luck, unless they are self aware of trauma and triggers, there truly is no hope. 

nyc718, yes, I also agree if you're inexperienced with that behavior, you need enough information and need to take some time to see if it's a one-off or not. That's what I meant by looking high level and walking away after you've tried to talk / negotiate through and gotten shut out instead. I was assuming that would happen over an adequate period of time to put together that it was a pattern, at which point you've got to ask yourself why you're sticking it out.

Dualcitizen, I don't agree that if you're secure and truly love them you'll keep trying to help guide them. That's continuing to lay all sorts of expectations, even if you think it's not codependent on some level. You can truly love them and respect that they aren't asking for or seeking help. Then if you want to still be present in each other's lives, you can be just friends while dating other people and offering help if they ever mull over the information you left them with and come back wanting to talk / more information / help. Otherwise, you think you're being altruistic, but you're really still seeing potential and not accepting them for who they are.

I'd love if some of my friends and exes wanted more info on attachment theory after I've mentioned it to them, but it's their own decision and choice. So it's not generally sitting in the background of my mind of any subsequent friendship we pursue with each other. There's an element of wanting to control someone / something in there, that I used to do when I was AP, but now recognize as uncomfortable. Maybe since I've now experienced it myself from a few dates with triggered APs here and there.

This is the trap I fell into...I will be on the lookout now for these avoidant red flags. But being AP I chose to ignore red flags at the beginning, believing I could somehow work with his messy life circumstances and twist myself into a pretzel to accommodate him, whilst forfeiting my own needs. What I am realising about FA is they are very indirect with their communication...like I’ve read they have no strategy for getting their needs met...this was confusing to me at the time but now I get it. My ex texted me yesterday saying he wants to see me sooner rather than later as he is concerned for me, wants to know how I am within myself and that he still has love and care for me.i can’t help but wonder what his actual intentions are for saying this, if this is an indirect way of wanting to see me to Suss out if I’m still into him/ have moved on, under the guise of being concerned. Although he feels bad for how he ended things so maybe he just feels guilty and wants me to help him alleviate the guilt

While I am glad to have knowledge of attachment styles now and thankful that it explains so much in my past few relationships, I can't help but also be a little sad at I guess, the loss of innocence if you will, that I have to now be so aware of these things.


But learning about how the subconscious affects people is very valuable knowledge, and for those of us here working through and learning, I think we all should pat ourselves on the back. We're all here because of pain of some form, but that pain is not for nothing, it has caused us to grow, and we can never go back now that we have the knowledge even if it sometimes is two steps forward, one step back at times. 

I guess from reading these forums a lot, his behavior sounds like it could be a `cycle back' to me. He got real triggered Avoidant and blew you off, and now that the trigger has passed, he's likely to miss your love and care, and see things differently. That's how most avoidants work when they've known you a long while and you've loved them well. They come back like nothing happened.