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Post by serenity on Jan 3, 2020 3:21:45 GMT
I guess from reading these forums a lot, his behavior sounds like it could be a `cycle back' to me. He got real triggered Avoidant and blew you off, and now that the trigger has passed, he's likely to miss your love and care, and see things differently. That's how most avoidants work when they've known you a long while and you've loved them well. They come back like nothing happened. Yeah, well I’m not sure if it’s just him trying to get rid of his guilt or some indirect way to reconcile or see where I’m at...he’s doesn’t know how to get his needs met so I suspect he would never be open about what he really wanted anyway. He would just Pussy foot around the issue. Makes me mad, even though I understand it, somehow it feels like I’m being manipulated, even though I know it’s not concious or intentional on his behalf What do you feel you want exactly from the conversation Amber? |
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Post by amber on Jan 3, 2020 3:30:13 GMT
Yeah, well I’m not sure if it’s just him trying to get rid of his guilt or some indirect way to reconcile or see where I’m at...he’s doesn’t know how to get his needs met so I suspect he would never be open about what he really wanted anyway. He would just Pussy foot around the issue. Makes me mad, even though I understand it, somehow it feels like I’m being manipulated, even though I know it’s not concious or intentional on his behalf What do you feel you want exactly from the conversation Amber? To express my frustrations and hurt feelings. And to clarify his incongruent behaviour. I guess closure; but I know all of this may not be possible and I may walk away feeling worse. I feel like I need to do it though. I’m hoping I’ll be like “well, dodged a bullet there!” Which is how I felt after I met up with my ex DA to chat when we broke up. |
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Post by nyc718 on Jan 3, 2020 4:21:03 GMT
What do you feel you want exactly from the conversation Amber? To express my frustrations and hurt feelings. And to clarify his incongruent behaviour. I guess closure; but I know all of this may not be possible and I may walk away feeling worse. I feel like I need to do it though. I’m hoping I’ll be like “well, dodged a bullet there!” Which is how I felt after I met up with my ex DA to chat when we broke up. I relate to everything you said: him not wanting to look like the bad guy, you feeling manipulated though you know it's not conscious, and your want to express your frustration about his inconsistent behavior, and also wanting him to take accountability for his part. I don't know that FAs can understand that fully, as I think (from what I've read) that because the subconscious and physical workings are the cause for the distancing, they can't fully understand their behavior as so wrong, rather it makes sense to them why they do what they do. (Please anyone correct me if I'm wrong or not articulating properly). So though you want closure, you're right to think you may not get it. I definitely never did, not from him. I had to give myself closure about the ending of that relationship. |
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