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Post by dhali on Jan 24, 2020 1:57:08 GMT
So Alexandria.... if you’re kitty, do you become friends? 6 weeks out... that’s different than 15 years.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 24, 2020 2:01:58 GMT
So Alexandria.... if you’re kitty, do you become friends? 6 weeks out... that’s different than 15 years.
When I became friends too "soon" it was because I was AP, and often wasn't over it. That did happen a couple times, and we did work it out but it was a lot more angst and triggering than necessary on my end (completely unreasonable fear on my end that if I didn't agree to being friends right away they'd forget me and not want to later) and them wanting to stay friends so being really patient about my come here go away behavior. Now I wouldn't do that. These days if it was serious but we want to eventually be friends, I'll wait closer to a year. If it wasn't serious and it was a short thing (a few months or less), then it may be more like a 1-2 month break and then checking out where we're at... if I actually even want to be friends.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 24, 2020 2:16:03 GMT
What an interesting thread. I was picking up my daughter and ex-wife from the airport the other night after an overseas trip, and gave her a quick welcome home hug after my daughters embrace and there was nothing. Just like a friend. This is the first time this has happened in my life. Both ex wives are FB friends even though I haven’t seen the first for close to 20 years. I don’t particularly do friends well, anyway. Intimate or otherwise. Acquaintances or a little closer I can do, but I just can’t do BFFs. I’ve tried to be friends with the ex who brought me here, but I have to try to stay out of her life, just as I had to with my first ex all that time ago. As dhali said, I did that so she could get on with her life unencumbered. It’s not about me. The whole black and white thing in my life feels immature and sad, but that’s where it is. I don’t have enough for everyone. So Mrob, if you don't mind me asking, what you actually are saying is, potentially there is/are pushed down emotions/feelings still for these exes? And it could reignite with some of them. But you know the score, where you're at, that you can't cohabitate at the moment, and let them go "unencumbered" as you feel you're a burden on them? So what I am elluding too is, it is an attachment driven thing really, not a biological attraction thing. That is interesting, as my ex, said a couple things along those lines and she was totally unaware (until I told her 3-4 weeks ago) of any behavioural framework, she actually said "I can't pull you into this" and another couple statements along those lines, insinuating she would be hurting me longer term. |
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Post by iz42 on Jan 24, 2020 4:26:36 GMT
I am also someone who doesn't really think it's fair to expect one person to meet all of my needs (is this insecure attachment?? I hadn't thought about it before!), and think it's unfair to expect that of me as well, so having multiple people in your life who can offer different bits can help with your romantic relationship. Thiis sounds like a polyamorous situation. That's how it's justified. No, they can't meet all of your needs. But it's not appropriate for an ex-romantic partner to fill the rest. Or an opposite sex one (if you're straight). That leads to emotional affairs. Find a girlfriend, imo. "to keep a connection of some sort because I feel like life is short and I don't connect with tons of people so would be a shame to let one go? Maybe I am thinking about this all wrong. This is making me think a lot."Which leads me to believe that you would welcome a comeback - just not consciously right now. I know a number of people in polyamorous situations and it works well for them. I'm sure it's a sign of attachment issues for some, but for others it genuinely works well (as long as everyone is on the same page and there is no deception). I think it's a valid option for some people. Just wanted to add that. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 24, 2020 6:17:00 GMT
So Mrob, if you don't mind me asking, what you actually are saying is, potentially there is/are pushed down emotions/feelings still for these exes? And it could reignite with some of them. But you know the score, where you're at, that you can't cohabitate at the moment, and let them go "unencumbered" as you feel you're a burden on them? So what I am elluding too is, it is an attachment driven thing really, not a biological attraction thing. That is interesting, as my ex, said a couple things along those lines and she was totally unaware (until I told her 3-4 weeks ago) of any behavioural framework, she actually said "I can't pull you into this" and another couple statements along those lines, insinuating she would be hurting me longer term. Goodness yes. For my first wife it could have been for years after with the FA longing, and all. It’s impossible to do something over and over and not see the pattern on some level. I just had no idea. That’s why attachment theory is so revolutionary to me. The biological attraction thing is nice, but it actually does little for me. I have no interest in reproducing. Been there, done that. I’m just interested in companionship, and that can take many forms. |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 24, 2020 6:45:08 GMT
So Mrob, if you don't mind me asking, what you actually are saying is, potentially there is/are pushed down emotions/feelings still for these exes? And it could reignite with some of them. But you know the score, where you're at, that you can't cohabitate at the moment, and let them go "unencumbered" as you feel you're a burden on them? So what I am elluding too is, it is an attachment driven thing really, not a biological attraction thing. That is interesting, as my ex, said a couple things along those lines and she was totally unaware (until I told her 3-4 weeks ago) of any behavioural framework, she actually said "I can't pull you into this" and another couple statements along those lines, insinuating she would be hurting me longer term. Goodness yes. For my first wife it could have been for years after with the FA longing, and all. It’s impossible to do something over and over and not see the pattern on some level. I just had no idea. That’s why attachment theory is so revolutionary to me. The biological attraction thing is nice, but it actually does little for me. I have no interest in reproducing. Been there, done that. I’m just interested in companionship, and that can take many forms. No I realise you may not be interested in reproducing, but at the end of the day, we're all human, and still attracted biologically by looks etc, that's what I'm elluding too, not so much to literally reproduce. I can understand you've had a child and that's not a priority. Cheers for reply |
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Post by mrob on Jan 24, 2020 7:10:43 GMT
Looks just aren’t a priority. Somebody can be absolutely stunning, then they speak to the waiter and become instantly ugly.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 24, 2020 7:12:22 GMT
Looks just aren’t a priority. Somebody can be absolutely stunning, then they speak to the waiter and become instantly ugly. Of course agreed, just looks still are important in attraction, dont have to be "gorgeous" etc, just whatever you're attracted too. Clearly other factors  |
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Post by serenity on Jan 24, 2020 8:37:06 GMT
I pretty much put any current partner's feelings first, when it comes to exes. I think its pretty awful to throw away good friends just because you become part of a couple though.
I usually plead a case for holding onto platonic friendships with exes in these cases:
1. they are truly platonic friends that I value (helps if they have a partner)
2. They are associated with my career or creative activities in some way.
Regarding whether 6 weeks is too early to be `friends' with an ex... it probably is. But its not too early to be on `friendly terms'.
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Post by aislingt on Jan 24, 2020 9:20:49 GMT
Another perspective: not only I tried (and usually managed) to stay friends with all those exes whom I continued to like as people once I lost the romantic attachment, but for me it's a red flag when a man failed to stay friends with any ex. I don't think I do it for validation, or to avoid solitude, or even in order to have someone with whom to share my niche hobbies and interests. It's because my affection for them is still fresh, I enjoy being in touch with them and laughing together, I admire them, I want to know how their lives go and help when needed, and let them do the same for me. Moreover, it is fulfilling to see my husband meed them, and some mutual liking developing. Likewise, I am curious to meet his exes and amiably disposed towards them. (If he liked them, and still likes them, they must be very good people!)
Alexandra wrote: "if someone is insecurely attached, absolutely: this could bleed into boundary problems, jealousy, hiding stuff, playing games, or being an intimacy eroding / distancing tactic" and I would like to add that yes, it could, but it need not. I do have attachment insecurities (still not sure whether AP, FA or both) yet these things don't happen. Maybe this is because I never tried to stay friends before ending the romantic attachment.
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Post by aislingt on Jan 24, 2020 9:29:18 GMT
If I'm dating a woman who is in regular contact and hangs out with 4+ ex's on a regular basis, I'm out. Surely you can find other friends. I'll agree to disagree on this. But friends aren't fungible, no? |
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Post by dhali on Jan 24, 2020 17:13:11 GMT
If I'm dating a woman who is in regular contact and hangs out with 4+ ex's on a regular basis, I'm out. Surely you can find other friends. I'll agree to disagree on this. But friends aren't fungible, no? Yes, they are so amazing, that one or both sides didn’t think it was worth working through issues together. Romantic relationships are not the same as friendships. Anyhow, that’s my perspective. I am friends with some ex’s, but it’s not really the same as my friends. I like their instagram, and text them once in a blue moon. Maybe once a year we are at the same event. I guess that’s friendship, but it’s not as if they are pushing me to be my best self, and I’m not doing that to them either. It’s more of aquaintemces with history that gives me certain liberties you don’t have with other friends. |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 24, 2020 18:57:06 GMT
dhali, a lot of my exes had avoidant attachment styles, so we were fundamentally incompatible and couldn't work out a romantic relationship with different needs. Didn't mean we didn't care enough to try to overcome all and threw the relationship away instead of bothering, which is probably the different perspective I want to share and why I keep responding. Just meant we eventually recognized our limitations (which will rightfully affect attraction too once you're out of fantasy bonding and see incompatibility) and that we worked better as friends. People don't usually work out their attachment issues for others, they do it for themselves if at all. Those I refer to who were avoidant still are avoidant with any romantic partners they occasionally have and are stuck there. They don't act avoidant with friends, though, but it does impact other aspects that make their lives disorganized and so we don't align on lifestyle (as partners) either. Even if that changed now and they dealt with their own issues, we're mutually well past it. But just because things didn't work out doesn't mean it was because you didn't like and care for each other. Yes, it probably meant someone didn't want to keep trying to make it work, but that can very much be about their own issues and not reflect on the partner (and in the case of two insecure attachers, it's generally true of both).
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Post by number9 on Jan 24, 2020 21:45:41 GMT
If I'm dating a woman who is in regular contact and hangs out with 4+ ex's on a regular basis, I'm out. Surely you can find other friends. I'll agree to disagree on this. But friends aren't fungible, no? Hey! Thanks for the vocabulary enhancement. I didn't know that word: fungible. |
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Post by dhali on Jan 24, 2020 22:22:18 GMT
Fair enough. I guess I’ve had a fair amount of vulnerabilities spiked in my face that I generally don’t want to be vulnerable with that person again. It should also be noted that I’m one of the few on here who advocate for the person being responsible for their actions. I don’t care that attachment wounds caused the action. We are not autotons, and I have less empathy than most in here for the actions people take. I can empathize with the pain (I have it too), but people are responsible for how they treat others. I have yet to get any apologies for bad behavior. You teach people how to treat you afterall...
In the cases where I broke it off, those are where my “friendships” lie. My ex wife, because we basically had to figure it out. She’s ap, I’m fa. Ironically that made me secure in that relationship. That is until I eventually became avoidant over 14 years. Anyhow, I’ve come clean to her that it was all about me and my inner emotional turmoil. She knows. We are pretty decent friends now. I had to own my shit though. Poor woman. I put her through hell, unknowingly. I have no expectation of being understood though. I’m glad she made the effort. If she wanted to hate me for the rest of her life, I wouldn’t blame her. The others are shorter term relationships where nobodies emotions ran too deep. Well, one did, but she’s a sweetheart and I really did let her down easy. She always pushed for more but I was fairly firm and never led her on. I loved her deeply, but she was sooo jealous of everyone. It was controlling after a while. We were friends from the end, but now it’s a deeper friendship. But still extremely intermittent and contact could span years. Now that I type that out, that feels like I’m using her. I also owned my fa with her
And then a bunch in between where neither party cares enough.
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