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Post by kittygirl on Feb 4, 2020 2:54:36 GMT
Update: First of all thanks everyone for the comments. I haven't been ignoring-no joke I have been really thinking about what you've all said. FOR THE RECORD, I think there are plenty of times it's ok to be friends with an ex. But I want to examine my own personal motivations, and very specifically in the case of my FA ex. And the things that caused me to think twice about it are-the timeline (too soon probably) and the fact that I don't think my boundaries are nearly strong enough and probably wanting a connection to him-but from a distance. So that i can have him in my life but behind glass, where I am safe. I don't think this is a very good reason to have someone in your life (though for the record I do NOT and am NOT holding out hope for a relationship. I know it would kill me. And that is genuinely true)
One thing that surprised me (despite Alexandra's warnings and others) was how quickly our dynamic started to return. I was CLEARLY not ready to try a friendship. I do not have remotely strong enough boundaries with him yet. Last night for the first since we've been talking again, he did some pushing me away stuff (not deactivation but didnt pick up a phone call and stopped texting me mid conversation-he texted late this afternoon claiming he fell asleep.). I thought to myself "You weren't ready. You made a mistake and you should have listened to the forum more!!"
This is just so hard because its completely uncharted territory for me. All my previous relationships have been really good (except one)-no real issues and so I am trying to do my best to navigate a new landscape. I don't have any tools from previous experience that help me with this. I just really need to "Trust the Forum". Thanks again guys. I am really trying to learn as I go. I think that this relationship triggered things DEEP inside of me that I was unaware of or maybe hadn't felt in a long time and it's just a lot harder than I thought.
Ugh. One foot in front of the other.
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Post by nyc718 on Feb 4, 2020 3:53:49 GMT
If I'm dating a woman who is in regular contact and hangs out with 4+ ex's on a regular basis, I'm out. Surely you can find other friends. I'll agree to disagree on this. But friends aren't fungible, no? Totally irrelevant but this dumb American had to look up the word fungible. Never heard this word in my life! This forum is all kinds of educational 😊 carry on.. |
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Post by mrob on Feb 4, 2020 4:14:33 GMT
But friends aren't fungible, no? Totally irrelevant but this dumb American had to look up the word fungible. Never heard this word in my life! This forum is all kinds of educational 😊 carry on.. This dumb Australian had to do the same!!! |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 4, 2020 4:40:40 GMT
I tried to be friends with B...but...I still have feelings for him that are way more then friendship and my motives are just not friend centric. I don’t know if I will ever get there with B....it may be that I will have to love and care about him from afar...at a safe distance and with very little if any contact. There are times I get sad over this...sometimes I want to rush the process along or feel completely broken for still having such intense feelings for him....but, then I realize that all I am doing is continuing a perspective that there is something uniquely wrong with me...which just perpetuates my desire for B. So I am working on accepting that this is where I am at...whether anyone else approves or not.
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Post by number9 on Feb 4, 2020 21:20:06 GMT
Totally irrelevant but this dumb American had to look up the word fungible. Never heard this word in my life! This forum is all kinds of educational 😊 carry on.. This dumb Australian had to do the same!!! Same with this Canadian! But I refuse to call myself dumb; this is a rarely used word! haha |
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Post by dhali on Feb 4, 2020 22:06:02 GMT
I tried to be friends with B...but...I still have feelings for him that are way more then friendship and my motives are just not friend centric. I don’t know if I will ever get there with B....it may be that I will have to love and care about him from afar...at a safe distance and with very little if any contact. There are times I get sad over this...sometimes I want to rush the process along or feel completely broken for still having such intense feelings for him....but, then I realize that all I am doing is continuing a perspective that there is something uniquely wrong with me...which just perpetuates my desire for B. So I am working on accepting that this is where I am at...whether anyone else approves or not. Trn- I’m sorry your childhood set you up this way. You have been suffering for a really long time. I wish I could help you move on. |
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Post by dhali on Feb 4, 2020 22:13:34 GMT
Caroline.... I solved my AP-ness before I learned about attachment styles. First, I knew when I was experiencing clingy-ness. You just feel it. But I basically moved this part close to secure, mainly by chilling out. What’s chilling out? When I would worry about the relationship, I’d just ask myself, what has changed since the last time I saw her? The answer was always nothing. There have been no actions taken. So why would I assume anything would be different from the last time I saw them? There is no reason. So I’d just assume the best. And if I want to talk, I’ll call. But basically, live my life.
Turns out the jokes on me though... she was silently judging me for months. I’m committed to not letting this last person take away my secure in the anxious side. I’m tackling my avoidant side by really plugging into active listening and being present. Listen more, talk less. Get to know people in depth and not judging as much. It works.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 4, 2020 23:34:58 GMT
I tried to be friends with B...but...I still have feelings for him that are way more then friendship and my motives are just not friend centric. I don’t know if I will ever get there with B....it may be that I will have to love and care about him from afar...at a safe distance and with very little if any contact. There are times I get sad over this...sometimes I want to rush the process along or feel completely broken for still having such intense feelings for him....but, then I realize that all I am doing is continuing a perspective that there is something uniquely wrong with me...which just perpetuates my desire for B. So I am working on accepting that this is where I am at...whether anyone else approves or not. Trn- I’m sorry your childhood set you up this way. You have been suffering for a really long time. I wish I could help you move on. I hear you and appreciate it....I am in therapy....just trying to be accepting of things. |
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Post by dhali on Feb 5, 2020 1:17:13 GMT
I don’t know if books help you, they do me. A huge part of the anxious side is not accepting yourself. It’s actually something most people struggle with, so it’s not limited to the ap. But it certainly debilitated the ap. If it’s helpful, check out radical acceptance by tara brach. I feel if you could accept you, for who you are, and that person is beautiful btw, this will get easier for you.
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Post by number9 on Feb 5, 2020 4:08:55 GMT
I don’t know if books help you, they do me. A huge part of the anxious side is not accepting yourself. It’s actually something most people struggle with, so it’s not limited to the ap. But it certainly debilitated the ap. If it’s helpful, check out radical acceptance by tara brach. I feel if you could accept you, for who you are, and that person is beautiful btw, this will get easier for you. An excellent book and approach! |
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Post by amber on Feb 5, 2020 4:55:47 GMT
I don’t know if books help you, they do me. A huge part of the anxious side is not accepting yourself. It’s actually something most people struggle with, so it’s not limited to the ap. But it certainly debilitated the ap. If it’s helpful, check out radical acceptance by tara brach. I feel if you could accept you, for who you are, and that person is beautiful btw, this will get easier for you. Acceptance is something I struggle with...I’ve recently realsied this is probably a pattern from the past of being in denial about my parents short coming and abuse and having to live in a fantasy land...accepting my situation as a child would have been too painful to bear so the alternative is to create a reality that is different. I think many people do this. |
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