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Post by imthephantomex on Feb 5, 2020 19:36:17 GMT
Hello everyone, I’m H and I’m new here! Long story short, I got back with my first love after 9 years apart. We dated for 2 years in 2009 – 2011, he broke my heart back then because he had different priorities/attachement issues, and I had to let him go. Fast forward 9 years I moved to Germany, dated a different guy for 6 years. We broke up in Nov 2018, and when ‘G’ got word I was single again, we started to get back into contact. Throughout the 6 years, I would hear from him occasionally, telling me that he made a mistake and that I should move home and he would marry me. It was defintley very alluring and I never forgot about him. We talked for almost 8 months, and then he decided to come visit me in Germany ‘since he was in Europe’ anyways  . We hit it off and fell head over heels for each other, and made it official again in June 2019. Unfortunately, he got a very high paying job in Australia so he couldn’t stay in Germany with me, so we decided to try to do long-distance. We did long-distance for 5 months and it was great, we talked about the future, getting married etc. he was always excited to talk to me, was very affectionate and loving, I felt super happy, we thought of each other as soulmates. We finally saw each other at Christmas time where we did a Family Tour which we were very excited for, but unfortunately, it went a bit sour because he is someone who needs a lot of space, and he got overwhelmed with all the family time, spending time with me, and seeing his friends. He didn’t know how to balance it and shut down and he didnt communciate to me his issues. I think it was too much for the both of us. We took some space, on the trip for 2 days, and after that he lit back up and became his normal loving/obsessed with me again. I was still a bit hurt by what happened, and the way he treated me on the trip, but I forgave him. It’s been a month since the trip, and we still talk often but his motivation I can tell has gone down, he doesnt send me loving texts as often, I always have to ask for him to call me, and I just feel like he has pulled away… we have very opposite schedules with me living in Germany and him in Australia, some I feel very disconnected. We text all the time, but sometimes I feel like he is bored, and I even had issues to schedule another date to see each other (due to his work schedule). From my most recent heart break, I can really feel my anxious attachement style being triggered. This man has been wanting me back for 8 years and now I don’t feel as special anymore, and it's really hurting me. I didn’t think our honeymoon would end so quickly. I have read attached, and since he was single for 8 years before dating me again, never finding a better connection, I really feel like I'm the phantom ex, and now that he got me back, he is going back into his avoidant attachment style that I broke up with him years ago for. BTW, before Christmas we talked about buying a house in Canada together in 2 years, having kids, and marrying. Now I feel awkward even bringing it up… We are seeing each other in 2 weeks in Bali, at least, and I feel like I need to bring this up then.. Are we doomed? |
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Post by amber on Feb 5, 2020 19:48:06 GMT
Hmmm, do you think he has a fearful avoidant attachment? Or dismissive? Either way if he’s avoidant, once he has you “hooked” or committed, things can go downhill. Avoidants love the chase and then start to withdraw and distance once they feel they have you. A LDR would suit an avoidant though as there’s less intimacy and closeness. How long do you plan to be long distance for? This would personally do my head in with an avoidant, as I need to see someone when sorting out issues, doing it over the phone would cause me anxiety no end. Have you brought any of these issues up with him? It’s not fair that you should have to essentially manage the r/ship by asking him to call you, schedule times to speak etc. he should be putting in equal effort. Don’t put up with that too long.. or you’ll create a pattern that is hard to break
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Post by imthephantomex on Feb 5, 2020 19:56:55 GMT
I am not quite sure which Avoidant he is yet, as I have just discovered in the last weeks that he might be one. The original plan was just a year, until he can get a shift where he could be based out of Germany. He works in mines, so he works weird shifts like 2 weeks on 1 weeks off.. Perfect for an avoidant I guess.
Is it worth to bring up his avoidant tendancies to him? What is the best way to bring up this subject without seeing like I have psycho analyzed him? He is very receptive when I bring up problems and always tries his best to fix, but I dont want to be the only one bringing them up...
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Post by alexandra on Feb 5, 2020 20:10:42 GMT
imthephantomex, sorry this has gotten painful and confusing for you! Couple of questions about you, first. Have you done any work on your AP attachment style besides reading Attached? Why didn't things work out with your last bf of 6 years? Do you know the difference between fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant attachment styles? As far as your boyfriend goes, what work has he done on his issues the last several years? It can be a very appealing narrative to see the perspective as he realized what he lost and spent 8 years waiting / trying to win you back. But what a situation like that indicates to me about a person is they've stayed stuck in their issues, patterns, and fantasies instead of confronting and addressing their internal problems and moving on (and moving on may be eventually reuniting with an ex, but this still involves first evolving into a different person through the healing of attachment wounds, and is not about living your life with an externally-driven motivation. Ie, you live your life for yourself, not hoping in the back of your mind that what you're doing will draw someone else back). A phantom ex is a distancing mechanism, a fantasy to block being open and vulnerable to a new partner. Or, even a projection about the ex that the ex could never live up to in real life, accomplishing the same distancing outcome. Do you have any real plans to move to live in the same place? Does he have any pattern of follow through? Words and actions align, you've observed him follow through on what he says so you know he doesn't just speak in empty words and fantasies? Australia to Germany is a HUGE distance, and it's very easy for someone with insecure attachment to feel a connection, but not too close of a connection, in a long distance situation like that. I'm also wondering about your line that you don't feel special anymore. Are you seeking validation from your relationships and expecting your partner to make you feel special and/or whole in ways you find it challenging to feel on your own?
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Post by amber on Feb 5, 2020 20:28:27 GMT
I am not quite sure which Avoidant he is yet, as I have just discovered in the last weeks that he might be one. The original plan was just a year, until he can get a shift where he could be based out of Germany. He works in mines, so he works weird shifts like 2 weeks on 1 weeks off.. Perfect for an avoidant I guess. Is it worth to bring up his avoidant tendancies to him? What is the best way to bring up this subject without seeing like I have psycho analyzed him? He is very receptive when I bring up problems and always tries his best to fix, but I dont want to be the only one bringing them up... I don’t think you necessarily have to bring up attachment styles yet, but just speak to him about your feelings and concerns and see how he responds in action as well as words. One thing I wish I had of paid more attention to wit my ex FA was matching his words with action, as words are meaningless if not followed up with action. Working on your own attachment injuries is top priority in my opinion... of you are anxiously attached the temptation is to spend all your time focusing on the other and how you can change and improve them. This is magical thinking and will never work. |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Feb 5, 2020 21:09:17 GMT
Hello everyone, I’m H and I’m new here! Long story short, I got back with my first love after 9 years apart. We dated for 2 years in 2009 – 2011, he broke my heart back then because he had different priorities/attachement issues, and I had to let him go. What was he like during those 2 years in 2009-11? Was he distant back then? Or push-pull back then? Display emotions/feelings consistently? Lower self esteem/higher self esteem? If he is an "avoidant" it wont have changed. Let's face it, how many people change and work on themselves in life, even a secure person with other issues, may struggle to see the forest from the trees. So he definitely would have displayed these traits back then in some regard. |
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Post by amber on Feb 5, 2020 23:07:00 GMT
Hello everyone, I’m H and I’m new here! Long story short, I got back with my first love after 9 years apart. We dated for 2 years in 2009 – 2011, he broke my heart back then because he had different priorities/attachement issues, and I had to let him go. What was he like during those 2 years in 2009-11? Was he distant back then? Or push-pull back then? Display emotions/feelings consistently? If he is an "avoidant" it wont have changed. Let's face it, how many people change and work on themselves in life, even a secure person with other issues, may struggle to see the forest from the trees. So he definitely would have displayed these traits back then in some regard. So true. Not many people change. I can count on one hand the people I’ve known on my entire 36 years on the planet who consistently and actively work on themselves and actually make positive change. I wonder why this is such a rareity?! Too painful I guess. |
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Post by mrob on Feb 5, 2020 23:41:37 GMT
Fearful Avoidant. Expecting someone to move to the other side of the world for them? Would he do it for you? That has to be the litmus test. He’s made contact with you. If he means business, it’s him who needs to make the move.
I’m FA, and I have trouble with family trips. I have trouble with large conferences and conventions as well, and do need time out.
There is one person who I could imagine me being in his position for, but I worry that we would fall into old patterns quickly, and nobody deserves that.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Feb 5, 2020 23:49:04 GMT
Fearful Avoidant. Expecting someone to move to the other side of the world for them? Would he do it for you? That has to be the litmus test. He’s made contact with you. If he means business, it’s him who needs to make the move. I’m FA, and I have trouble with family trips. I have trouble with large conferences and conventions as well, and do need time out. There is one person who I could imagine me being in his position for, but I worry that we would fall into old patterns quickly, and nobody deserves that. Thanks for sharing that, insightful. Question for you mrob if I may. If someone hypothetically a more secure person was there for you, consistent, displaying humour, social intelligence, being totally mindful and communicating trying to aid you and understanding the mechanics around your inner working, not judging you but just talking about such things and past experiences (they told you all about their life in detail truthfully and honestly, how events effected them in their own life), communicating to you they want you to tell them if they are upsetting you/overstepping boundaries, asking how they could help you. Would that open you up over time you think? For you to be honest perhaps with them, and work on yourself with that person as support confronting old hurts/pain with a therapist/trauma therapist in particular? |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Feb 6, 2020 2:30:26 GMT
If someone hypothetically a more secure person was there for you, consistent, displaying humour, social intelligence, being totally mindful and communicating trying to aid you and understanding the mechanics around your inner working, not judging you but just talking about such things and past experiences (they told you all about their life in detail truthfully and honestly, how events effected them in their own life), communicating to you they want you to tell them if they are upsetting you/overstepping boundaries, asking how they could help you. Would that open you up over time you think? For you to be honest perhaps with them, and work on yourself with that person as support confronting old hurts/pain with a therapist/trauma therapist in particular? I see this question often. I think you're missing a key part of FAs here. mrob once said he didn't want anyone trying to understand his inner workings (maybe unless he revealed them). Also, to an FA, someone consistent and trying to understand you and not judge you is boring and not very attractive. For myself, when someone just does whatever I want without challenging me and tip toes around, I have zero interest. On the flip side, I won't be controlled. It's impossible really. Thanks for reply Janedoe. and the point is, psychologists say if you show those redeeming features as a "secure" attachment, the Fearful-Avoidant may begin to trust etc. So if someone "judged" you that would come across as "controlling" I presume? What if that person approached it from the perspective of asking "So how do you think other people receive you?" or "What are your desires about how you want to be received by another?" |
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Post by mrob on Feb 6, 2020 2:50:33 GMT
If someone hypothetically a more secure person was there for you, consistent, displaying humour, social intelligence, being totally mindful and communicating trying to aid you and understanding the mechanics around your inner working, not judging you but just talking about such things and past experiences (they told you all about their life in detail truthfully and honestly, how events effected them in their own life), communicating to you they want you to tell them if they are upsetting you/overstepping boundaries, asking how they could help you. Would that open you up over time you think? For you to be honest perhaps with them, and work on yourself with that person as support confronting old hurts/pain with a therapist/trauma therapist in particular? I see this question often. I think you're missing a key part of FAs here. mrob once said he didn't want anyone trying to understand his inner workings (maybe unless he revealed them). Also, to an FA, someone consistent and trying to understand you and not judge you is boring and not very attractive. For myself, when someone just does whatever I want without challenging me and tip toes around, I have zero interest. On the flip side, I won't be controlled. It's impossible really. The bold. That's what makes the whole thing impossible. I've been in a situation recently that I probably shouldn't be in. I have mentioned attachment theory. I have challenged her distancing behaviour. Would I like her to wake up one morning and see what's going on for her? Of course I would. But, I've said my piece, and if she wants it, she'll mention it again. I have to just accept her where she is on any given day and sweep my side of the street. I know I need the right to be right, and the right to be thoroughly wrong, and I respect that in others. |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Feb 6, 2020 2:58:33 GMT
I see this question often. I think you're missing a key part of FAs here. mrob once said he didn't want anyone trying to understand his inner workings (maybe unless he revealed them). Also, to an FA, someone consistent and trying to understand you and not judge you is boring and not very attractive. For myself, when someone just does whatever I want without challenging me and tip toes around, I have zero interest. On the flip side, I won't be controlled. It's impossible really. The bold. That's what makes the whole thing impossible. I've been in a situation recently that I probably shouldn't be in. I have mentioned attachment theory. I have challenged her distancing behaviour. Would I like her to wake up one morning and see what's going on for her? Of course I would. But, I've said my piece, and if she wants it, she'll mention it again. I have to just accept her where she is on any given day and sweep my side of the street. I know I need the right to be right, and the right to be thoroughly wrong, and I respect that in others. So Mrob, you actually did what I did, went direct and mentioned what you thought? Similar to what I did to my ex.? Janedoe said you wouldn't personally approve of that? What if your ex. wife you still said you had feelings for did that? Would it make a difference "who" actually did it? If you had "more trust" than an another, would/could it spur you on? As they are challenging you? |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 6, 2020 3:11:49 GMT
Of course, there is the control aspect of someone trying to be a therapist, but also, therapists are boring. And temporary. Does anyone ever want to grab a beer with their therapist and talk out their issues? No. It's a necessary evil. It's not something you really want to do. I disagree with this as a blanket statement. I have an FA friend who earned secure after resisting therapy for years (he had several partners that suggested it, all of whom he ignored). When he was ready, he started to go, and couldn't believe he'd waited so long. He's been continuing to go for years and years, even after earning secure, because he really enjoys it. I didn't like it when I was AP. Not because I was bored, but because I felt too vulnerable, and simultaneously misunderstood. |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 6, 2020 3:26:21 GMT
It is not the kind of dynamic you want in a relationship. Definitely agree with that. Even if it's supposed to model what a stable and healthier connection could look like, it's not an equal or romantic partnership and shouldn't model one. |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Feb 6, 2020 3:48:59 GMT
mrob If someone is going through pain, pointing out a resource I think is okay. But continual support can be enabling (definitely NOT challenging). Of course, there is the control aspect of someone trying to be a therapist, but also, therapists are boring. And temporary. Does anyone ever want to grab a beer with their therapist and talk out their issues? No. It's a necessary evil. It's not something you really want to do. Janedoe, what would you see as "challenging" language/actions that may spur you on? |
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. We hit it off and fell head over heels for each other, and made it official again in June 2019. Unfortunately, he got a very high paying job in Australia so he couldn’t stay in Germany with me, so we decided to try to do long-distance.
