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Post by serenity on Feb 11, 2020 7:46:35 GMT
I'm not sure if this qualifies telling someone how they feel, but my friend's BF broke up with her again because he couldn't handle everything going on in his life right now, she deserves someone who can be 100% present, someone who can give her what she deserves yada yada. She accepted that, as heartbroken as she was. Within an hour he was calling her, telling her he loved her, then flip flopping on breaking up and she said ENOUGH. She told him he is triggered, and every time he gets triggered he takes it out on her and their relationship and enough is enough. Either he gets help and fights for their relationship or go away and don't come back, she's had enough of the emotional distancing, the vagueness in communication, the lack of response from his part, and this breaking up with her only to freak out and try to reason it all out with her. And imo, she was spot on in everything she told him about himself, and he owned up to it as well, he had no choice. There wasn't one thing she said that wasn't true. Any way, I agree telling someone just out of the blue who/what they are is never called for, but in this case, I think her perspective of telling him exactly what was going in with him since he didn't seem to be able to know himself what was going on was the right call on her part. And she is not holding on to any hope, she's a sensible girl. She put a boundary on him of from now on, actions that meets the words or else. There will be no more unclear or vague communication. If he can't be transparent and clear, then he needs to walk away and do.not.come.back. I admire her moxie. I like how she did that, with making it about her need for consistency and communication , rather than diagnosing him and not really stating any boundaries or saying what she wants. |
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Post by nyc718 on Feb 11, 2020 15:54:35 GMT
I'm not sure if this qualifies telling someone how they feel, but my friend's BF broke up with her again because he couldn't handle everything going on in his life right now, she deserves someone who can be 100% present, someone who can give her what she deserves yada yada. She accepted that, as heartbroken as she was. Within an hour he was calling her, telling her he loved her, then flip flopping on breaking up and she said ENOUGH. She told him he is triggered, and every time he gets triggered he takes it out on her and their relationship and enough is enough. Either he gets help and fights for their relationship or go away and don't come back, she's had enough of the emotional distancing, the vagueness in communication, the lack of response from his part, and this breaking up with her only to freak out and try to reason it all out with her. And imo, she was spot on in everything she told him about himself, and he owned up to it as well, he had no choice. There wasn't one thing she said that wasn't true. Any way, I agree telling someone just out of the blue who/what they are is never called for, but in this case, I think her perspective of telling him exactly what was going in with him since he didn't seem to be able to know himself what was going on was the right call on her part. And she is not holding on to any hope, she's a sensible girl. She put a boundary on him of from now on, actions that meets the words or else. There will be no more unclear or vague communication. If he can't be transparent and clear, then he needs to walk away and do.not.come.back. I admire her moxie. I like how she did that, with making it about her need for consistency and communication , rather than diagnosing him and not really stating any boundaries or saying what she wants. She didn't diagnose him per se, but she did tell him why he was acting and feeling a certain way, and that it was misplaced on her and on them, and instead of sitting with the trigger and figuring out what the trigger was coming from, he was using it against her and them. The reason she can say that with so much authority is because of the hard work she has done on herself, and she wants the same effort from him. If she's going to do the work, then he needs to as well. She stated her boundaries clearly and exactly what she needs. She told him, you are hurting me and you need to stop it, and he agreed he was wrong. So on a conscious level he understands completely the situation. She made clear her boundaries, which included no more of the vague communication, this unsaid up in the air kind of dialogue, unclear boundaries and limbo state. Just no more. I am proud of her. She's not taking it anymore. |
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Post by nyc718 on Feb 11, 2020 15:58:15 GMT
I like how she did that, with making it about her need for consistency and communication , rather than diagnosing him and not really stating any boundaries or saying what she wants. Same. Did he get help and fight or walk away? The last it was left off, he said he intended to fix things. What he intends to fix isn't clear to her, but she said she knows what she needs from him to fix things, and that is a few big actions that she needs to see him take that involve his own boundaries with some other people. Until and unless he does those things, she considers them not together and not moving forward. So he says he will fix things, and she is saying, until I see it, we aren't on. That's how it is as of now. She is basically going forward with her life because him saying he will change is not the same as doing it. |
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Post by nyc718 on Feb 11, 2020 16:06:15 GMT
Right, but he didn't exactly "ask for feedback" about himself as dhali said, more like he was trying to rationalize his decisions, but she sure gave him the feedback regardless because she needed to get it off her chest no matter what the outcome. So far he appears receptive, but again, she's not holding on to hope. She wants actions. Exactly. But he wanted to engage (she didn't go to him to get this off her chest) and she was sharing her boundary and had no attachment to the outcome, so that's a healthy conversation. I think sometimes even when it's not invited, things needs to be said. It obviously won't be received as well than if they were open to it, but sometimes you need to hear things about yourself and how it affects other people. Some people aren't ever going to be open to hearing about themselves, but that doesn't mean someone else shouldn't tell them. If it is at a place where someone is just so shut down and isn't allowing anyone close to them, then hell, what does one have to lose anyway? Nothing, in my opinion. I'd rather say what I need to say if we're going to end up not speaking or being together anyway. |
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Post by dhali on Feb 11, 2020 16:17:38 GMT
Expressing to anyone that they crossed your boundaries is healthy communication, regardless of attachment type. There is nothing offensive about someone telling you that you have crossed their boundaries. That very different than - here’s what’s wrong with you
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Post by nyc718 on Feb 11, 2020 17:16:00 GMT
Expressing to anyone that they crossed your boundaries is healthy communication, regardless of attachment type. There is nothing offensive about someone telling you that you have crossed their boundaries. That very different than - here’s what’s wrong with you I agree, but I also think there can be value in telling someone who is completely clueless what is going on with them. If you don't know then you don't know, but if someone opens your eyes to that, it can be very useful. No one wants anyone barreling in with an unprofessional diagnosis, but as we can see here on this forum, you don't have to be a professional to see patterns that speak of a certain style, and that can help someone immensely to understand themselves. I think we all need to know who we are dealing with and how to handle them, but it's not the worse thing imo to tell someone about their attachment style that has adversely affected their life. And I say this having recently dealt with a good friend who is AP and having major issues with his new wife. He has a habit of being attracted to women that he wants to help and fix, and it never goes well for him, ever. It's the same woman in a different body. So I told him, gently, that he needs to look at himself in this and basically stop being a martyr and a knight trying to save women, it's not healthy and it always, always backfires on him. |
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Post by kittygirl on Feb 11, 2020 18:28:31 GMT
My ex would say to me things like "I don't know what's wrong with me" or "I just want to know why I feel like an alien" so when I finally discovered C-PTSD I mentioned it to him as a possibility even though we'd broken up. I have no idea if that was overstepping my bounds (and he never said so-but he wouldn't likely anyway) but I guess I felt like he was so unaware, and I had the benefit of outside objectivity so I shared that. Also we aren't trying to be a couple or anything again so maybe that makes a difference in how its recieved I don't know.
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Post by dhali on Feb 11, 2020 18:41:35 GMT
Expressing to anyone that they crossed your boundaries is healthy communication, regardless of attachment type. There is nothing offensive about someone telling you that you have crossed their boundaries. That very different than - here’s what’s wrong with you I agree, but I also think there can be value in telling someone who is completely clueless what is going on with them. If you don't know then you don't know, but if someone opens your eyes to that, it can be very useful. No one wants anyone barreling in with an unprofessional diagnosis, but as we can see here on this forum, you don't have to be a professional to see patterns that speak of a certain style, and that can help someone immensely to understand themselves. I think we all need to know who we are dealing with and how to handle them, but it's not the worse thing imo to tell someone about their attachment style that has adversely affected their life. And I say this having recently dealt with a good friend who is AP and having major issues with his new wife. He has a habit of being attracted to women that he wants to help and fix, and it never goes well for him, ever. It's the same woman in a different body. So I told him, gently, that he needs to look at himself in this and basically stop being a martyr and a knight trying to save women, it's not healthy and it always, always backfires on him. Yes, but that's your friend that you're trying to help, not a romantic partner that you're telling while in an argument. That's a huge difference. And you're free to handle romantic relationship conflict anyhow you want, I'm just pointing out that calling someone out for their attachment type in an argument is sort of like pulling out the trump card, and not healthy, imo. |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Feb 11, 2020 20:04:25 GMT
I agree, but I also think there can be value in telling someone who is completely clueless what is going on with them. If you don't know then you don't know, but if someone opens your eyes to that, it can be very useful. No one wants anyone barreling in with an unprofessional diagnosis, but as we can see here on this forum, you don't have to be a professional to see patterns that speak of a certain style, and that can help someone immensely to understand themselves. I think we all need to know who we are dealing with and how to handle them, but it's not the worse thing imo to tell someone about their attachment style that has adversely affected their life. And I say this having recently dealt with a good friend who is AP and having major issues with his new wife. He has a habit of being attracted to women that he wants to help and fix, and it never goes well for him, ever. It's the same woman in a different body. So I told him, gently, that he needs to look at himself in this and basically stop being a martyr and a knight trying to save women, it's not healthy and it always, always backfires on him. Yes, but that's your friend that you're trying to help, not a romantic partner that you're telling while in an argument. That's a huge difference. And you're free to handle romantic relationship conflict anyhow you want, I'm just pointing out that calling someone out for their attachment type in an argument is sort of like pulling out the trump card, and not healthy, imo. You're right about the "validation" thing. I think what you're trying to say is, if the other person presumes what your feeling a certain way, and tells you definitively based on that "presumption" (which may be slightly wrong as well, but it's the smugness of character and judgmental nature of the person saying it, and this is evident in many insecurely attached people, so I personally can understand from that perspective) in a certain way with no real sort of mindfulness i.e. "You are THIS!" basically, particularly in an argument or when emotions are running high, and also, if it's a partner that has their own issues and merely being judgmental upon you and never owns upto their own issues. I personally would take offence to that as well. I dated an A-P that had a totally dysfunctional life, instead of sorting her own stuff, she was offering business advice to me, on the same troken was totally dependent on her parents financially in every way, and back stabbed them as well (needless to say, once I seen this I was out of there instantly, within 2-3 months when the true colours were shown). I actually was gobsmacked. This to me is rude and "invalidating". If however a person literally complains to you about something constantly, consistent issues, and displaying behaviour consistently, and they're not seeing it, and you've always owned up to your behaviour, been honest about yourself, there is reasonable rapport, (and there is always honesty and respect between 2 people generally), I feel this is totally different compared to the above. |
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Post by nyc718 on Feb 11, 2020 20:24:58 GMT
I agree, but I also think there can be value in telling someone who is completely clueless what is going on with them. If you don't know then you don't know, but if someone opens your eyes to that, it can be very useful. No one wants anyone barreling in with an unprofessional diagnosis, but as we can see here on this forum, you don't have to be a professional to see patterns that speak of a certain style, and that can help someone immensely to understand themselves. I think we all need to know who we are dealing with and how to handle them, but it's not the worse thing imo to tell someone about their attachment style that has adversely affected their life. And I say this having recently dealt with a good friend who is AP and having major issues with his new wife. He has a habit of being attracted to women that he wants to help and fix, and it never goes well for him, ever. It's the same woman in a different body. So I told him, gently, that he needs to look at himself in this and basically stop being a martyr and a knight trying to save women, it's not healthy and it always, always backfires on him. Yes, but that's your friend that you're trying to help, not a romantic partner that you're telling while in an argument. That's a huge difference. And you're free to handle romantic relationship conflict anyhow you want, I'm just pointing out that calling someone out for their attachment type in an argument is sort of like pulling out the trump card, and not healthy, imo. I agree that an argument in a romantic situation is not the best time to bring up someone's attachment style, but then again I don't think it's the worse thing you can tell someone. It's not more unhealthy than the actual attachment style in the first place. |
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