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Post by serenity on Apr 12, 2020 20:54:04 GMT
Hi jeffrey, I agree with dual citizen and kitty girl, you don't get the "honeymoon" back. And if you start to see intermittent ignoring of communication, its a really bad idea to put up with it. Its better to say to her "its not okay" and get rejected, than to spend months or years enduring it, because it will hurt you more than you can imagine. Its a huge sign of disrespect and actually causes you psychological harm. Usually how this starts is the avoidant partner feels a " little bit uncomfortable" with communicating. Then they start to feel a other feelings about having not communicated. And they avoid more. But when you weigh up their "little bit of discomfort" against your "high distress", you can see how selfish the behavior is really. You shouldn't develop a tolerance for it, and there's no benefit to you. Thanks for the input serenity. I guess my next question would be is it possible to give too much space? I've fallen back big time on reaching out as to not "poke the bear." But this is something I'm wondering now. Obviously given what we've been through im not 100% all in on walking away. But I will protect myself if triggered. If there's a possibility we could actually talk about this stuff I'd like to The attachment style relationship coaches (people like Thais Gibson on youtube) would say the optimal time to "give space" if you think you've been dumped is around 6 weeks. That's usually enough time for them to stop feeling shut down and begin to miss you. If there's any chance for reconciliation and discussing what you both need to move forward, it will be around then. In general, most avoidants won't go cold on you for more than 5 days unless there's a serious problem in their minds. And they can create these "problems" without discussing them with you and they may be fictitious. This is when they are most likely to ghost or shut down for weeks, which is painful for most people to endure. But if you really want to have a discussion about what happened, waiting for them to reach out or letting 6 weeks pass is kind of the optimal time. Hope that helps a little. |
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Post by jeffrey on Apr 12, 2020 21:00:07 GMT
Thanks for the input serenity. I guess my next question would be is it possible to give too much space? I've fallen back big time on reaching out as to not "poke the bear." But this is something I'm wondering now. Obviously given what we've been through im not 100% all in on walking away. But I will protect myself if triggered. If there's a possibility we could actually talk about this stuff I'd like to The attachment style relationship coaches (people like Thais Gibson on youtube) would say the optimal time to "give space" if you think you've been dumped is around 6 weeks. That's usually enough time for them to stop feeling shut down and begin to miss you. If there's any chance for reconciliation and discussing what you both need to move forward, it will be around then. In general, most avoidants won't go cold on you for more than 5 days unless there's a serious problem in their minds. And they can create these "problems" without discussing them with you and they may be fictitious. This is when they are most likely to ghost or shut down for weeks, which is painful for most people to endure. But if you really want to have a discussion about what happened, waiting for them to reach out or letting 6 weeks pass is kind of the optimal time. Hope that helps a little. Thanks I've been watching her vids. She's good. Its just weird for me because we're still in contact. Albeit not much. |
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Post by serenity on Apr 12, 2020 21:33:30 GMT
The attachment style relationship coaches (people like Thais Gibson on youtube) would say the optimal time to "give space" if you think you've been dumped is around 6 weeks. That's usually enough time for them to stop feeling shut down and begin to miss you. If there's any chance for reconciliation and discussing what you both need to move forward, it will be around then. In general, most avoidants won't go cold on you for more than 5 days unless there's a serious problem in their minds. And they can create these "problems" without discussing them with you and they may be fictitious. This is when they are most likely to ghost or shut down for weeks, which is painful for most people to endure. But if you really want to have a discussion about what happened, waiting for them to reach out or letting 6 weeks pass is kind of the optimal time. Hope that helps a little. Thanks I've been watching her vids. She's good. Its just weird for me because we're still in contact. Albeit not much. My ex would deactivate that way too... he'd stay in light contact but communication was very shallow and to me he felt "unpresent" if that makes sense?. His deactivations could last up to a month, and after that first one, he was rarely fully present in the relationship again. Because we'd been so close and I was craving it back, our relationship became based on "intermittent reinforcement" , which I tolerated for over another year. Knowing what I know now, I would have been better off asking for better communication, and leaving if it didn't happen. I never got back the closeness i needed and wanted, so i wasted a lot of time there. |
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Post by jeffrey on Apr 12, 2020 22:55:41 GMT
Thanks I've been watching her vids. She's good. Its just weird for me because we're still in contact. Albeit not much. My ex would deactivate that way too... he'd stay in light contact but communication was very shallow and to me he felt "unpresent" if that makes sense?. His deactivations could last up to a month, and after that first one, he was rarely fully present in the relationship again. Because we'd been so close and I was craving it back, our relationship became based on "intermittent reinforcement" , which I tolerated for over another year. Knowing what I know now, I would have been better off asking for better communication, and leaving if it didn't happen. I never got back the closeness i needed and wanted, so i wasted a lot of time there. Hi serenity Thats exactly what I'm thinking. I'd like to see this through. And I keep forgetting how the virus is totally affecting different peoples moods. So I have to consider that. But if and when we do see each other again, I wanted to discuss boundaries and needs. A little late but better than never. Thanks again |
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Post by BecomingMe on Apr 13, 2020 11:19:49 GMT
Thanks I've been watching her vids. She's good. Its just weird for me because we're still in contact. Albeit not much. My ex would deactivate that way too... he'd stay in light contact but communication was very shallow and to me he felt "unpresent" if that makes sense?. His deactivations could last up to a month, and after that first one, he was rarely fully present in the relationship again. Because we'd been so close and I was craving it back, our relationship became based on "intermittent reinforcement" , which I tolerated for over another year. Knowing what I know now, I would have been better off asking for better communication, and leaving if it didn't happen. I never got back the closeness i needed and wanted, so i wasted a lot of time there. Hi serenity, what you said about the shallow and un-present communication was an eye-opener. Would you happen to know why a DA would even do this "light" communication? my DA ex was exactly like this. It almost feels like he did't want to communicate/text but something made him want to reach out and when I reply he would just disappear. Sometimes for a day, sometimes for days. Currently it's at almost 2 weeks. jeffrey, I am sorry if I'm hijacking this thread to ask this question. Will move it to another thread if you'd rather not have it here. |
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Post by jeffrey on Apr 13, 2020 11:45:24 GMT
My ex would deactivate that way too... he'd stay in light contact but communication was very shallow and to me he felt "unpresent" if that makes sense?. His deactivations could last up to a month, and after that first one, he was rarely fully present in the relationship again. Because we'd been so close and I was craving it back, our relationship became based on "intermittent reinforcement" , which I tolerated for over another year. Knowing what I know now, I would have been better off asking for better communication, and leaving if it didn't happen. I never got back the closeness i needed and wanted, so i wasted a lot of time there. Hi serenity, what you said about the shallow and un-present communication was an eye-opener. Would you happen to know why a DA would even do this "light" communication? my DA ex was exactly like this. It almost feels like he did't want to communicate/text but something made him want to reach out and when I reply he would just disappear. Sometimes for a day, sometimes for days. Currently it's at almost 2 weeks. jeffrey, I am sorry if I'm hijacking this thread to ask this question. Will move it to another thread if you'd rather not have it here. It's all good. Leave it here |
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Post by serenity on Apr 14, 2020 2:59:21 GMT
My ex would deactivate that way too... he'd stay in light contact but communication was very shallow and to me he felt "unpresent" if that makes sense?. His deactivations could last up to a month, and after that first one, he was rarely fully present in the relationship again. Because we'd been so close and I was craving it back, our relationship became based on "intermittent reinforcement" , which I tolerated for over another year. Knowing what I know now, I would have been better off asking for better communication, and leaving if it didn't happen. I never got back the closeness i needed and wanted, so i wasted a lot of time there. Hi serenity , what you said about the shallow and un-present communication was an eye-opener. Would you happen to know why a DA would even do this "light" communication? my DA ex was exactly like this. It almost feels like he did't want to communicate/text but something made him want to reach out and when I reply he would just disappear. Sometimes for a day, sometimes for days. Currently it's at almost 2 weeks. jeffrey , I am sorry if I'm hijacking this thread to ask this question. Will move it to another thread if you'd rather not have it here. Hi ppawar and Jeff! Hope you guys are doing okay today. I understand how rough Avoidant partner deactivations are to endure and make sense of, and I hope you are taking good care of yourselves too. BecomingMe That's a real good question! I suppose the breadcrumbing style of communication can mean different things, depending on if its a committed relationship or a dating type scenario with a younger avoidant? In the dating scene, its usually some entitled person keeping their foot in the door, while they explore other options. And those people should be cut off quickly. In a more committed or longer term relationship, where there's been some trust established already, I think you can read it a little differently. The "light contact" would usually signal they intend to return, but can't yet. Deactivations are pretty scary things for DA's, because once their " missing you feelings" return for you, many would have experienced a long history of rejection and abandonment at that point when they want to return. So they indirectly feel you out, and are easily scared off by anything that triggers their shame or abandonment wounds. They often will ghost you if you say anything confrontational that triggers shame or abandonment, even its completely reasonable. So light calm communication is pretty much the only way to show them its safe to return. |
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Post by BecomingMe on Apr 14, 2020 7:03:40 GMT
Hi serenity , what you said about the shallow and un-present communication was an eye-opener. Would you happen to know why a DA would even do this "light" communication? my DA ex was exactly like this. It almost feels like he did't want to communicate/text but something made him want to reach out and when I reply he would just disappear. Sometimes for a day, sometimes for days. Currently it's at almost 2 weeks. jeffrey , I am sorry if I'm hijacking this thread to ask this question. Will move it to another thread if you'd rather not have it here. Hi ppawar and Jeff! Hope you guys are doing okay today. I understand how rough Avoidant partner deactivations are to endure and make sense of, and I hope you are taking good care of yourselves too. BecomingMe That's a real good question! I suppose the breadcrumbing style of communication can mean different things, depending on if its a committed relationship or a dating type scenario with a younger avoidant? In the dating scene, its usually some entitled person keeping their foot in the door, while they explore other options. And those people should be cut off quickly. In a more committed or longer term relationship, where there's been some trust established already, I think you can read it a little differently. The "light contact" would usually signal they intend to return, but can't yet. Deactivations are pretty scary things for DA's, because once their " missing you feelings" return for you, many would have experienced a long history of rejection and abandonment at that point when they want to return. So they indirectly feel you out, and are easily scared off by anything that triggers their shame or abandonment wounds. They often will ghost you if you say anything confrontational that triggers shame or abandonment, even its completely reasonable. So light calm communication is pretty much the only way to show them its safe to return. Thanks so much for the reply serenity. I am good and hope you're well too. I can totally understand why it's this difficult with a DA. You would want to be empathetic and understanding because you know there are deep wounds under that tough exterior there but so much of their behaviour ends up hurting you so badly. jeffrey, I hope you're safe and healthy too! I wish you all the best with your DA. I can see how much you care and I can imagine it's not easy - this caring and yet not able to do anything about it. Please look after yourself. |
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Post by jeffrey on Apr 14, 2020 23:27:05 GMT
Hi ppawar and Jeff! Hope you guys are doing okay today. I understand how rough Avoidant partner deactivations are to endure and make sense of, and I hope you are taking good care of yourselves too. BecomingMe That's a real good question! I suppose the breadcrumbing style of communication can mean different things, depending on if its a committed relationship or a dating type scenario with a younger avoidant? In the dating scene, its usually some entitled person keeping their foot in the door, while they explore other options. And those people should be cut off quickly. In a more committed or longer term relationship, where there's been some trust established already, I think you can read it a little differently. The "light contact" would usually signal they intend to return, but can't yet. Deactivations are pretty scary things for DA's, because once their " missing you feelings" return for you, many would have experienced a long history of rejection and abandonment at that point when they want to return. So they indirectly feel you out, and are easily scared off by anything that triggers their shame or abandonment wounds. They often will ghost you if you say anything confrontational that triggers shame or abandonment, even its completely reasonable. So light calm communication is pretty much the only way to show them its safe to return. Thanks so much for the reply serenity. I am good and hope you're well too. I can totally understand why it's this difficult with a DA. You would want to be empathetic and understanding because you know there are deep wounds under that tough exterior there but so much of their behaviour ends up hurting you so badly. jeffrey, I hope you're safe and healthy too! I wish you all the best with your DA. I can see how much you care and I can imagine it's not easy - this caring and yet not able to do anything about it. Please look after yourself. Hello everyone and thank you for your kind words. I am safe and NOT SICK lol. Its been a month of minimal contact now and some days are good,some days not so much. Theres only so much I can do as far as personal growth before I need to take a break from that even. So I'm getting my Netflix on with all these documentaries. When I'm sitting here like I am now, I can't but to feel how much nicer it would be with my girl by my side. Like we always did. Sometimes I relapse into thinking how she could tell me she misses just 2 days and how simple that solution appears to me. But I guess I'm getting better at not taking it personal. I hope you all are well. And thanks again |
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Post by jeffrey on Apr 16, 2020 23:32:44 GMT
So for about the 3rd time in the last 2 weeks, my girlfriend has posted what looks like anti-boyfriend memes on Facebook. Basically, anyone who doesn't know me personally sees these and probably thinks I'm a real jerk. I'm not taking the bait and responding, especially in a public forum. But it is pissing me off
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Post by serenity on Apr 17, 2020 8:24:41 GMT
So for about the 3rd time in the last 2 weeks, my girlfriend has posted what looks like anti-boyfriend memes on Facebook. Basically, anyone who doesn't know me personally sees these and probably thinks I'm a real jerk. I'm not taking the bait and responding, especially in a public forum. But it is pissing me off Hi Jeffrey! Thanks for popping in, its good to see you! Avoidants will certainly use social media, memes, gif's, music videos and other forms of indirect communication to express feeling. The most talented of them can be great artists and musicians, it can get very beautiful and involved as a form of expression. A lot of the time they aren't completely aware they are doing it, but many people experienced with being close to them have learned to use indirect communication to monitor and understand their feelings. They are not always entirely aware of it, and if you bring attention to it, they can gaslight you and make you feel crazy. But it is a useful tool for taking their emotional temperature. The "anti boyfriend" memes can simply be her trolling for attention and lol's from female friends, as the theme is pretty relatable for most women. I'm sure she's had some bad boyfriends, so its unlikely to be anything about you. Still, its not something I'd do, I consider it undermining and ungrateful. I have avoidant female friends who do it sometimes, and I think its just them being avoidanty. If you're detecting anything barbed or personally directed at you, pay attention but try it see it as a mood during deactivation. And also, when you're feeling neglected, these things will trigger you a bit more than usual. Just my thoughts anyway. I like that you decided not to respond or be baited. If she's looking to bait you, its always better to ignore it. |
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Post by jeffrey on Apr 18, 2020 19:18:33 GMT
So for about the 3rd time in the last 2 weeks, my girlfriend has posted what looks like anti-boyfriend memes on Facebook. Basically, anyone who doesn't know me personally sees these and probably thinks I'm a real jerk. I'm not taking the bait and responding, especially in a public forum. But it is pissing me off Hi Jeffrey! Thanks for popping in, its good to see you! Avoidants will certainly use social media, memes, gif's, music videos and other forms of indirect communication to express feeling. The most talented of them can be great artists and musicians, it can get very beautiful and involved as a form of expression. A lot of the time they aren't completely aware they are doing it, but many people experienced with being close to them have learned to use indirect communication to monitor and understand their feelings. They are not always entirely aware of it, and if you bring attention to it, they can gaslight you and make you feel crazy. But it is a useful tool for taking their emotional temperature. The "anti boyfriend" memes can simply be her trolling for attention and lol's from female friends, as the theme is pretty relatable for most women. I'm sure she's had some bad boyfriends, so its unlikely to be anything about you. Still, its not something I'd do, I consider it undermining and ungrateful. I have avoidant female friends who do it sometimes, and I think its just them being avoidanty. If you're detecting anything barbed or personally directed at you, pay attention but try it see it as a mood during deactivation. And also, when you're feeling neglected, these things will trigger you a bit more than usual. Just my thoughts anyway. I like that you decided not to respond or be baited. If she's looking to bait you, its always better to ignore it. Thank you serenity for your calming perspective. Some moments of the day I just struggle with. Like I can't go see any of my family right now. Or especially her. I have a few friends i still see who I'm totally grateful for. But when they ask me how she's doing, I basically have to lie because I have no idea. I don't like making things up like that |
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Post by jeffrey on Apr 26, 2020 1:44:15 GMT
This is just getting really bad. At least thats my perception. Her and I haven't talked since Easter. I haven't reached out and neither has she. I figured I'd let her be. I just reached out today to say hello and of course no reply. Obviously she can post stuff online so being ignored really hurts. Idk how much more ill last. This is how they do it I guess. You get backed into a corner with only 1 real option. At least that's how I feel
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Post by jeffrey on Apr 26, 2020 4:04:57 GMT
Well she finally replied hours later. She even said the exact words "you're not the one"
Full on deactivation here. I've prepared myself for this conversation. I replied calmly and soothingly. So technically we're still together but I think she fell asleep so we'll continue the conversation later.
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Post by serenity on Apr 26, 2020 6:09:20 GMT
Well she finally replied hours later. She even said the exact words "you're not the one" Full on deactivation here. I've prepared myself for this conversation. I replied calmly and soothingly. So technically we're still together but I think she fell asleep so we'll continue the conversation later. Jeffrey, Its best to ignore all that. Deactivation isn't about you, and the more you get into letting a DA explain how you're not the one and not good enough, the more they dig their heels in and hurt you in the process. Its not even a conversation worth pursuing, because once they're through deactivation, their mind changes. Its typically weeks to 3 months if you have a great relationship . I've been through this many times. Just think about it from your perspective..is she meeting your needs adequately, and how much of this are you prepared to put up with? Don't let her cut you down or feel "less than". If she takes too much time to get through her wobbliness, then consider that she's not relationship material and because of her, not you. |
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