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Post by jeffrey on Apr 26, 2020 23:52:22 GMT
Well she finally replied hours later. She even said the exact words "you're not the one" Full on deactivation here. I've prepared myself for this conversation. I replied calmly and soothingly. So technically we're still together but I think she fell asleep so we'll continue the conversation later. Jeffrey, Its best to ignore all that. Deactivation isn't about you, and the more you get into letting a DA explain how you're not the one and not good enough, the more they dig their heels in and hurt you in the process. Its not even a conversation worth pursuing, because once they're through deactivation, their mind changes. Its typically weeks to 3 months if you have a great relationship . I've been through this many times. Just think about it from your perspective..is she meeting your needs adequately, and how much of this are you prepared to put up with? Don't let her cut you down or feel "less than". If she takes too much time to get through her wobbliness, then consider that she's not relationship material and because of her, not you. Hi serenity. Thanks again. I really appreciate you. I'm actually feeling pretty good today. I think the meditation and learning some self soothing is beneficial to me. So basically, no, she's not meeting my needs now like she was before. I'm not chasing or sending a barrage of messages. We each only sent a few. So her reason for distancing is the abortion. And how it put things in perspective for her. She said having sex without commitment (marriage) is putting herself at risk for emotional and physical problems. And I understand what and why she says that. But I firmly believe we'd be in this position whether we got pregnant or not. She did this a few years ago at the first sign of intimacy as well. I don't want to walk away, but I'm am prepared to now. I know I deserve what I give. |
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Post by mrob on Apr 28, 2020 9:00:09 GMT
I think you should see how you go after the restrictions are eased. Lives and livelihoods aren’t the only things to suffer under the name of this pandemic.
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Post by jeffrey on Apr 28, 2020 10:57:39 GMT
Thanks mrob. I appreciate your input
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Post by jeffrey on May 9, 2020 21:02:24 GMT
Just an update. Weve talked one time in the last month. Initiated by me, of course. I feel like I'm damned if I do,damned if I don't. If anyone understands that
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Post by alexandra on May 10, 2020 18:09:18 GMT
Just an update. Weve talked one time in the last month. Initiated by me, of course. I feel like I'm damned if I do,damned if I don't. If anyone understands that Yes, totally understandable. I've felt that way often when dating avoidants, and it stinks. So it took 20 years, but I finally simply stopped dating avoidants  |
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Post by jeffrey on May 10, 2020 18:52:44 GMT
Just an update. Weve talked one time in the last month. Initiated by me, of course. I feel like I'm damned if I do,damned if I don't. If anyone understands that Yes, totally understandable. I've felt that way often when dating avoidants, and it stinks. So it took 20 years, but I finally simply stopped dating avoidants I just feel like my hands are tied. I wanted to wish her happy mothers day. But then if I do reach out she'll probably be annoyed. And if I don't reach out, she'll probably feel some type of way that I didn't. Its a no win situation |
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Post by jeffrey on May 20, 2020 23:47:40 GMT
I think you should see how you go after the restrictions are eased. Lives and livelihoods aren’t the only things to suffer under the name of this pandemic. Restrictions have been eased. Shes back to telling me she misses me but she has set up 2 occasions to meet and has blown me off both times. Trying to be patient but its wearing thin |
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AM
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Post by AM on May 23, 2020 1:47:35 GMT
Jeffrey, I see you haven't been on this thread in a while, however, I just wanted to offer encouragement and compassionate understanding for the dynamic with your girlfriend which you've shared here. The responses and input of others have been incredibly insightful and informative. The most loving thing you can do for your girlfriend and yourself is to accept that she is Avoidant or Fearful Avoidant, attachment traumatized in childhood, etc. etc. and move on, unless you believe that you can fully accept the fact that, it is what it is, and are prepared to spend the rest of your life enmeshed in the toxic dynamic and belief system you've described. You are attached and your attachment system is activated and moving on is so much easier said than done, due to your own attachment and the very real pain of leaving and or staying will both inevitably cause. The 'no contact' rule to break the bond is a life saver in this dynamic. Ask for help from close friends and family that have the capacity to love you well. Ask them to stay close to you, check in with you and be there for you, especially the 1st few weeks to months. Please, I know how much your current dynamic hurts, it hurts your girlfriend as well, as you are not doing her any favors by enabling what amounts to hatred, plain and simple, it is what it is. A Secure/Secure bond is what loving well looks like so please, go find yourself a Secure woman who's out there looking for you...looking for someone for whom she has the very real capacity to love you well. The closest thing to heaven on earth that you can ever experience in life.
"All happy families are alike (Secure/Secure); each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way (Avoidant/Anxious Preoccupied/Fearful Avoidant).” Tolstoy
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Post by 8675309 on May 23, 2020 11:29:38 GMT
Hi jeffrey, I agree with dual citizen and kitty girl, you don't get the "honeymoon" back. And if you start to see intermittent ignoring of communication, its a really bad idea to put up with it. Its better to say to her "its not okay" and get rejected, than to spend months or years enduring it, because it will hurt you more than you can imagine. Its a huge sign of disrespect and actually causes you psychological harm. Usually how this starts is the avoidant partner feels a " little bit uncomfortable" with communicating. Then they start to feel a other feelings about having not communicated. And they avoid more. But when you weigh up their "little bit of discomfort" against your "high distress", you can see how selfish the behavior is really. You shouldn't develop a tolerance for it, and there's no benefit to you.
This!
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Post by tnr9 on May 23, 2020 15:48:00 GMT
Hi Jeffrey.....I am reading these posts for the first time so apologize if what I am saying has been said before....I have been in your shoes over and over and over again and there wasn’t a pandemic cause things to exacerbate. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot date anyone where my emotions get tugged into fear and I cannot talk to them. I will provide a plutonic example.....yesterday I was just having an emotional day, have been feeling really wiped and not sleeping well. I reached out to one of my friends and she allowed me to just express myself without any judgement. I also had no fear that our friendship would be negatively impacted by my call. She and I have had many hurt feelings and disagreements and yet.....I do not ever feel like I could lose her as a friend. That has provided a huge relief and allows me to be me and for her to be her. I did not experience that with B. Every interaction was scrutinized by me “after the fact” to see if I had made any mistakes. I also would analyze everything he did and said because I “never” felt at ease. I knew it wasn’t personal but every distancing tactic felt personal from short texts, to long silences, to cancelled dates...all of felt like a reaction to me. I hated feeling that way....constantly on eggshells...trying to quell my own anxiety. I agree with others that now is the time to decide whether you want to continue this dance with her. It is ok if the answer is yes...it is ok also if the answer is no. The opportunity you have is to make a pro Jeffrey decision...one that is about what is best for you. None of us can make that decision for you. I do wish you well.
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Post by jeffrey on May 24, 2020 18:13:35 GMT
Thank you all for your consideration and suggestions. I will take them into account. Theres been some development in the last few days as she has been reaching out. Of course, avoiding talking about the issues though. I've been dealing with a medical issue myself this last week (not covid) and am not worried about "pressuring" her for contact. When she first contacted me the other day, she told me she had some sort of lucid dream where her fears had been removed from her. I could take this a few different ways i guess. But I just don't know anymore. Honestly, I'm tired of skirting the issue. Its like dealing with a skiddish cat. I don't want to have this conversation through text message or over the phone
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Post by jeffrey on Jul 17, 2020 17:28:54 GMT
Hello everyone. I hope all is well. Just an update here. In early June she showed up at my place wanting to "start over". I agreed. However she was only able to be present for a few weeks before the silent treatment started again.
I broke up with her. She told me she was in therapy so I told her to ask her therapist about attachment styles. Whether she will or not is on her. Its really not my concern. I've been busy working on myself for these months anyway. I've come to the conclusion that the abortion was a wonderful way out for a person with a fear of intimacy. Anyway, im just practicing acceptance and being kind to myself.
I want to thank you all for your kind and truthful words. I so needed them. I hope everyone is surviving these crazy times
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Post by alexandra on Jul 17, 2020 18:00:13 GMT
Good for you for depersonalizing it and being true to your own needs. She's shown you she has lots of issues outside of you and she's incapable of remaining present while dealing with stress. While you unfortunately got hit with a whole lot of major stress in a short period of time, there's always adversity that happens as part of life and you deserve a partner who will consistently show up for you in both good times and bad. If someone tells you outright they are toxic, I have learned it's a good idea to listen (and run). I'm sorry you're probably still hurting about the entire situation, and that even more instability / change while coping with the pandemic surely hasn't been fun, but you did the right thing. I believe you'll be happier for it later on.
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Post by jeffrey on Aug 29, 2020 19:36:59 GMT
Good for you for depersonalizing it and being true to your own needs. She's shown you she has lots of issues outside of you and she's incapable of remaining present while dealing with stress. While you unfortunately got hit with a whole lot of major stress in a short period of time, there's always adversity that happens as part of life and you deserve a partner who will consistently show up for you in both good times and bad. If someone tells you outright they are toxic, I have learned it's a good idea to listen (and run). I'm sorry you're probably still hurting about the entire situation, and that even more instability / change while coping with the pandemic surely hasn't been fun, but you did the right thing. I believe you'll be happier for it later on. So I started therapy a little while back and I've noticed im getting depressed. Is this normal? |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 29, 2020 21:04:22 GMT
jeffrey , I think so. I've heard the first few months of therapy are very hard / people want to quit, because you're starting to dig into all the trauma all these defense mechanisms developed in order to shield you from. Plus, for people with insecure attachment issues, it starts to feel painful to be developing a consistent and vulnerable relationship with your therapist (but pushing through this with professional guidance in a safe space helps you learn to model secure relating and soothe your nervous system). Let your therapist know you're feeling depressed, since if they're any good they should understand where you are in the process and have a toolbox for proceeding accordingly. Healing is painful, but if you continue to avoid the pain and not heal then in the long-run you just repeat your painful "self-defense" patterns infinitely and end up worse off.
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