alice
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Post by alice on Jul 11, 2020 3:19:50 GMT
I will preface this with saying I should probably take a break from dating. I'm not dating because I need to have someone in my life right now, but I keep trying because the older I get, I am concerned the harder it will be to find someone compatible and secure.
After this last debacle with my ex, I feel....drained? I just started talking to someone, and he's interesting and attractive and has some qualities that go well with me. He's very engaged with me and funny, but I just don't even care. And then I think, "oh no, I'm setting a pattern by having a long conversation right now with him, and he's going to expect this again tomorrow or in a couple of days..."
I'm still caught up on my ex some, but even with him, part of me just doesn't care right now. I'm tired of the anxiety and inconsistency and fear. When I feel like this, I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel.
I guess it's always nice when people can relate. I'm not sure what else I am looking for besides just to vent.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2020 6:01:53 GMT
eh i felt this way too, when i first started dating my current partner. the last relationship was completely exhausting and tinder dating after wasn't really that great. by the time i met the current beau, i was SO OVER IT - over the breakup, men, dating, the insecurity, the feelings of investment - I was even over myself lol. On some level, I partly wished I had a "fairytale" romance and that meeting him was on a fresh slate with hope and excitement. but on another level, i thought maybe it's not that bad a thing to be much less invested because it really allowed him to drive the progress and for me to sit back and just "watch". I identify as AP in romantic relationships, and not having to "monitor" was a respite. it also allowed things to unfold more organically.
i would say.. focus on how you feel and nurture yourself; this dude doesn't matter that much (somewhat but it's not really within your control). so if you feel drained then focus on refueling yourself and energizing yourself (I slept a TON and took alot of walks). If this person was available and facilitated these activities, great. if not, then it really makes no difference to your healing.
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Post by annieb on Jul 11, 2020 6:10:09 GMT
I think I know what you mean. I think it’s a dread typical of an FA that we are too old (I’ve always felt this way, even when I was a teenager),, that they person will be average, etc, etc. Maybe try to catch yourself and check what are basically your own sabotage thoughts. If he wants long conversations and you feel like he is going to expect those, see if it’s really true or if you’re making an assumption. Only time will tell. And talk to him about that fear, why not. You’ll find out a lot about him, when you share your fears. But keep in mind you are not just your attachment style. You still have to have a lot of things in common with the person and be truly attracted to them to develop a relationship.
I’ve recently taken my focus away from dating altogether and I think I’m going to keep it that way. And my therapist basically gave me a “permission” and validated my feelings about this all. As long as I am insecure, I can’t really attract anyone secure and it will only bring more stress. Maybe this is a good time to do all the things I always wanted to do, but put aside because I was too codependent on having a relationship. I’m now free from that for the time being and it’s been good. I feel an incredible sense of relief. It could be my FA having this reaction. Ultimate avoidance, but for now it’s calming.
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Post by amber on Jul 11, 2020 10:24:16 GMT
I will preface this with saying I should probably take a break from dating. I'm not dating because I need to have someone in my life right now, but I keep trying because the older I get, I am concerned the harder it will be to find someone compatible and secure. After this last debacle with my ex, I feel....drained? I just started talking to someone, and he's interesting and attractive and has some qualities that go well with me. He's very engaged with me and funny, but I just don't even care. And then I think, "oh no, I'm setting a pattern by having a long conversation right now with him, and he's going to expect this again tomorrow or in a couple of days..." I'm still caught up on my ex some, but even with him, part of me just doesn't care right now. I'm tired of the anxiety and inconsistency and fear. When I feel like this, I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel. I guess it's always nice when people can relate. I'm not sure what else I am looking for besides just to vent. Oh gosh I’m 36 and sometimes I have these fears that I’m too old to meet someone! Especially after finding out how many avoidants are in the dating pool after age 35. Depressing statistic. However I’ve had a number of friends in their late thirties and forties find good quality relationships so it can happen! |
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alice
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Posts: 128
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Post by alice on Jul 11, 2020 21:08:38 GMT
Well, this guy blocked me. lol. Maybe I didn't answer soon enough? I told him last night I was falling asleep but that I'd text him today. There's still PLENTY of today left. But this makes me think that maybe my "feeling" (or lack of) on the matter was really more of an intuition. Now that I think about it, in our conversation, he told me I shouldn't use certain "relationship tools" because they are used to reject the person instead of getting to know who the person really is. I don't even know why he said that, but it seemed defensive. *shrugs*
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Post by alexandra on Jul 11, 2020 22:48:33 GMT
alice, he's probably insecure then. I've had guys do that to me, bomb me with extensive conversation then suddenly unmatch because I didn't answer quickly enough. They want to be in control and you have to be in line with their expectations, so it probably was your intuition. Ironic that he was projecting that you wouldn't give him enough of a chance to show you who he really is... or not actually ironic at all 
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alice
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Post by alice on Jul 11, 2020 22:55:07 GMT
alexandra Yeah, those were my thoughts. It's nice to connect easily and without trying SO hard, but then I think there is something off because boundaries are healthy kind of thing. Because I feel drained lately, I was thinking "okay, he's being chatty and I can sit back a bit" but I wasn't inconsistent with him at all and defensiveness right off the bat definitely is a problem. This is the second time in the last week I was blocked because I was being "bombed" with communication and not answering soon enough. It's disheartening as I'm sure you know to find so many unstable and inconsistent people. Despite me having attachment issues, my awareness allows me to communicate well with someone and explain if I need space. I don't just disappear and I tend to come on here or talk to friends or journal if I'm on the anxiety side of things. I don't expect someone else to clean up my emotions for me.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 11, 2020 23:54:10 GMT
alice, I totally agree, and making insecure connections online isn't really on you when you're aware of it. It's not like attracts like at that point, it is that there's such a large percentage of unaware insecure attachers on dating sites. I do come across secure people sometimes, but it's the minority. I was hoping all the distancing in the US, which makes it basically impossible to organically meet new people out and about, would bring more stable people looking for connection but having no other options except online... but I haven't noticed that to actually be the case. So, it's just learning more about and observing for healthy boundaries, or, once you feel confident in knowing what those look like, listening to your gut/intuition if something seems off.
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Post by iz42 on Jul 13, 2020 2:50:33 GMT
alexandra that's disappointing about your recent experiences online. I wonder if it means secure people in the US are taking a break from dating altogether during the pandemic?
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alice
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Post by alice on Jul 13, 2020 3:02:20 GMT
If anyone is keeping track, guy 3 today blocked me. After an hour! Lol. He insisted on immediately going to phone and I didn't answer right away (within the hour).
What is going on?
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Post by alexandra on Jul 13, 2020 4:24:42 GMT
alexandra that's disappointing about your recent experiences online. I wonder if it means secure people in the US are taking a break from dating altogether during the pandemic? I've actually considered that possibility! I would be too if I wasn't on a starting a family timeline, so I'm trying to stay active about meeting new people anyway. But navigating the pandemic and dating seriously is honestly really difficult because finding someone responding to it with similar caution levels to you isn't easy.... so many people are doing their own version of safety measures (or none at all), and some people online still just want casual physical relationships and ignore the added risks. It blows my mind! alice omg. I know that when it keeps happening frequently it doesn't feel like this, but you're dodging so many bullets!! |
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Post by anne12 on Jul 13, 2020 5:37:37 GMT
alexandra Can't you just put your safety standards for dating under the pandemic in your dating profile ? You can get your eggs frozen if possible.... According to Esther Perel theres a chance that some couples will split up after the pandemic, so there's a change that there will become more people in the dating pool. Depending on the possibility to get close in person and as pheromones are important, you can ask your date to send you a plastic bag with a t-shirt, he has worn and then you can find out if you like the person's smell or not (if you are not taking birth control pills) and you can send him a worn t-shirt in a plastic bag as well - after you have had some zoom/facetime/Skype date nights....
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2020 5:48:14 GMT
yup so many bullets!!! I had this dude who wanted to immediately wanted to take it to the phone because he only wants to date "adult women" who don't spend all their time texting, even after I said that's possible but i'm not giving out my phone number to someone I haven't even chatted with at all, and we can do that after we've chatted a bit or even just meet up for a coffee - called me a childish baby. had a couple where we chatted and went out, told me they wanted to see me again for sure, and then promptly deleted and blocked me with no explanation. had some where they're "looking for a girlfriend" not someone to talk to. all these people want to assess if you are a partner material, without even knowing who you are as an individual yet, will not be great matches. it's rooted in ego - seeking out a companion for their benefit, without really considering you or the unit. my take on the whole online dating thing is...if you do not play by their rules of what they consider their partner should be like e.g., respond immediately, you're not of much value to them as a partner, so they just get rid of you regardless of how amazing you are. there are MANY options out there they can have a chat with and use to entertain themselves as their convenience, you're just one of the many options that's all. Superficial connection and chemistry over texting is very easy to create, and that's why they flit from one to another to seek out and maintain the highs. like alexandra, i was also keen on settling down and having a family if it's possible, so i kinda stuck around. this is why taking a back seat and letting it happen is so good. I'm not reacting at all, so I don't have to second guess myself. I like to think of it as that my improving attachment is repelling anyone who is a gross mismatch, and they take themselves out of the game quickly. I usually give them a month or two, before even giving them ANY mental/emotional space. FYI: using relationship tools are a good way of knowing some things and creating conversations around it, which is actually really handy both as a filter and as a conversational tool to grow the relationship. I'm a psychologist by training and I definitely used it on my current partner (and he on me), lol!! |
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Post by alexandra on Jul 13, 2020 5:48:40 GMT
anne12, I actually do have my standards directly clarified! People still all define things however they want to, however it suits them best (sometimes like, oh, but she'll make an exception for ME, even though we haven't even met yet).
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alice
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Posts: 128
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Post by alice on Jul 13, 2020 6:07:25 GMT
yup so many bullets!!! I had this dude who wanted to immediately wanted to take it to the phone because he only wants to date "adult women" who don't spend all their time texting, even after I said that's possible but i'm not giving out my phone number to someone I haven't even chatted with at all, and we can do that after we've chatted a bit or even just meet up for a coffee - called me a childish baby. had a couple where we chatted and went out, told me they wanted to see me again for sure, and then promptly deleted and blocked me with no explanation. had some where they're "looking for a girlfriend" not someone to talk to. all these people want to assess if you are a partner material, without even knowing who you are as an individual yet, will not be great matches. it's rooted in ego - seeking out a companion for their benefit, without really considering you or the unit. my take on the whole online dating thing is...if you do not play by their rules of what they consider their partner should be like e.g., respond immediately, you're not of much value to them as a partner, so they just get rid of you regardless of how amazing you are. there are MANY options out there they can have a chat with and use to entertain themselves as their convenience, you're just one of the many options that's all. Superficial connection and chemistry over texting is very easy to create, and that's why they flit from one to another to seek out and maintain the highs. like alexandra , i was also keen on settling down and having a family if it's possible, so i kinda stuck around. this is why taking a back seat and letting it happen is so good. I'm not reacting at all, so I don't have to second guess myself. I like to think of it as that my improving attachment is repelling anyone who is a gross mismatch, and they take themselves out of the game quickly. I usually give them a month or two, before even giving them ANY mental/emotional space. FYI: using relationship tools are a good way of knowing some things and creating conversations around it, which is actually really handy both as a filter and as a conversational tool to grow the relationship. I'm a psychologist by training and I definitely used it on my current partner (and he on me), lol!! @shiningstar I get that some people message or text forever. I see A LOT "I don't want a pen pal" because I do think some people never intend on meeting. I get that, but isn't it an extreme opposite to push a phone number? I mean, you are ONLINE dating after all. If you don't like doing things online, then why are you online?? I want to say someone who does that right away has a problem. By the way, guy #1 also did this. So there is something about being pushed too quickly. Are these guys desperate for validation or to not be alone? Their rules...yes. Instead of "hey you're pretty cool, I want to respect you." I like the guys who give me their number and then say "but we can keep it here too if you like." Unfortunately, these guys have been the people pleasers who then turn out to be FA or have some other issue, so I'm at a loss. I either get control freaks (and I easily run from those) or I get the ones who run away. Re: relationship tools. I'm so glad you said that. It's like saying I'm not allowed to have preferences because if he doesn't match up to my preferences, I'd be rejecting him instead of getting to know him. Well, I did get to know you enough to realize you don't meet my preferences? Why is this so hard? |
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