alice
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Post by alice on Jul 13, 2020 6:11:10 GMT
(sometimes like, oh, but she'll make an exception for ME, even though we haven't even met yet). I get this all the time. I make CLEAR statements about certain compatibilities (like religion or location) and I get someone who is very obviously not a match, yet still tries to gloss over it. If I bring it up, he makes it like I'm judging him. Me: I don't think we are a good match. Him: oh you can tell that from one conversation. Me: gives explanation as to why. Him: well, I just put my profile together quickly for fun. Me: well, I'm looking for something serious, so I put my time into my profile. If you were just having fun with it, we probably aren't a good match. It's so obvious that they're full of crap. Do they really think I believe this? |
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Post by alexandra on Jul 13, 2020 6:14:07 GMT
alice, personally I find that the guys who are pushing have been scorned before... and are looking for the magic formula to avoid being hurt again. Or feel women have too much "control." Instead of taking responsibility for themselves, they're blaming the other person, and this is how it manifests. I get turned off by people who it's like pulling teeth to talk to, but I don't give these weird fake ultimatums. If I haven't heard from someone in 5-7 days without warning (sometimes people may mention traveling or being busy, that's cool), and we're just casually chatting about nothing interesting anyway, I'll probably delete it because I have never had that situation go anywhere substantial.
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alice
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Post by alice on Jul 13, 2020 6:24:08 GMT
alexandra That makes sense...the being scorned. I generally think 24 hours is a good timeframe, but early on if it's a few days, that's okay also. But if someone takes four days for every response, I just don't take him seriously. There's no strict rule to the timeframe really. You get a feel for it, which is why these recent ones have been nuts. But I've never blocked anyone unless they're harassing me. I feel like I should be reading more books instead of spending my time on this. I'm wiring my brain to expect inconsistency and craziness from every man. I really missed it not finding someone years ago. I was avoidant (in reality insecure) in my 20s and didn't even bother with anyone and focused on career. I guess that is the pattern here many times.
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Post by anne12 on Jul 13, 2020 7:00:55 GMT
alexandra - Maybe you have to adjust your dating vision / your love vision, if you haven't already, so that it fits the pandemic - using positive formulations ect. in a way so that that you can feel it happing right now - and read it every night before you go to bed ect ? jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1852/prepare-create-future-relationship yet I wonder if the link to Matthew Husseys dating pandemic YouTube video can be helpful to put on your dating profile as a mindfull dater ? Or you can get inputs to put in your dating vision ? m.youtube.com/watch?v=VIfxOSVsC18 Mathew Hussey.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2020 13:57:42 GMT
yup so many bullets!!! I had this dude who wanted to immediately wanted to take it to the phone because he only wants to date "adult women" who don't spend all their time texting, even after I said that's possible but i'm not giving out my phone number to someone I haven't even chatted with at all, and we can do that after we've chatted a bit or even just meet up for a coffee - called me a childish baby. had a couple where we chatted and went out, told me they wanted to see me again for sure, and then promptly deleted and blocked me with no explanation. had some where they're "looking for a girlfriend" not someone to talk to. all these people want to assess if you are a partner material, without even knowing who you are as an individual yet, will not be great matches. it's rooted in ego - seeking out a companion for their benefit, without really considering you or the unit. my take on the whole online dating thing is...if you do not play by their rules of what they consider their partner should be like e.g., respond immediately, you're not of much value to them as a partner, so they just get rid of you regardless of how amazing you are. there are MANY options out there they can have a chat with and use to entertain themselves as their convenience, you're just one of the many options that's all. Superficial connection and chemistry over texting is very easy to create, and that's why they flit from one to another to seek out and maintain the highs. like alexandra , i was also keen on settling down and having a family if it's possible, so i kinda stuck around. this is why taking a back seat and letting it happen is so good. I'm not reacting at all, so I don't have to second guess myself. I like to think of it as that my improving attachment is repelling anyone who is a gross mismatch, and they take themselves out of the game quickly. I usually give them a month or two, before even giving them ANY mental/emotional space. FYI: using relationship tools are a good way of knowing some things and creating conversations around it, which is actually really handy both as a filter and as a conversational tool to grow the relationship. I'm a psychologist by training and I definitely used it on my current partner (and he on me), lol!! @shiningstar I get that some people message or text forever. I see A LOT "I don't want a pen pal" because I do think some people never intend on meeting. I get that, but isn't it an extreme opposite to push a phone number? I mean, you are ONLINE dating after all. If you don't like doing things online, then why are you online?? I want to say someone who does that right away has a problem. By the way, guy #1 also did this. So there is something about being pushed too quickly. Are these guys desperate for validation or to not be alone? Their rules...yes. Instead of "hey you're pretty cool, I want to respect you." I like the guys who give me their number and then say "but we can keep it here too if you like." Unfortunately, these guys have been the people pleasers who then turn out to be FA or have some other issue, so I'm at a loss. I either get control freaks (and I easily run from those) or I get the ones who run away. Re: relationship tools. I'm so glad you said that. It's like saying I'm not allowed to have preferences because if he doesn't match up to my preferences, I'd be rejecting him instead of getting to know him. Well, I did get to know you enough to realize you don't meet my preferences? Why is this so hard? haha, yea i totally get that "i dont want a pen pal" - neither do i!! But I am a woman who is wary of stranger danger, so the fact that they think so highly of themselves as safe without having any respect for my need for safety and empathy for my perspective is frankly a sign that they are not going to be respectful of me and my emotional baggage because I'm going to take my time to process them! I need a safe space and an understanding partner, and this is not it already. I do empathize though.. dating as a man is also exhausting, because they have to spend money and time on getting dates just to find out these girls also didn't see them as people/individuals. when men are on a hunt for a mate (as steve harvey says), they just focus and go for it. My current partner responded "I don't need more friends, I have many" when i said I'm looking for a friend. LOL. it didn't put me off because of the way he said it - calmly and as a matter of fact. He told me afterwards he was wary of girls who just wanted to use him as a "tourguide" to bring them around to nice cafes. well, dating is all about finding a good match for yourself. if you hold your own and be secure in yourself, your needs, and your values, dating is just a filter - all of these "bad" experiences will just serve as a contrast effect to tell you what you want/don't want, need/don't need. focus on the good and find more of it! |
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Post by mrob on Jul 13, 2020 15:50:37 GMT
If they’re wanting your number straight away, it’s probably a bot or some sort of scam. In my profile I put something about preferring to meet sooner rather than later, just because you can tell so much more in 10 minutes than in months of texting. I’d never ask for someone’s details.
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Post by annieb on Jul 13, 2020 17:09:45 GMT
Ladies, can I persuade you to leave online dating? Your time is too valuable.
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Post by mrob on Jul 13, 2020 17:41:59 GMT
From my conversations, Women and men have different dramas with online dating. Women get so much attention that it’s a matter of sorting the wheat from the chaff. Men have problems even being looked at! I can back that up with my own profiles. Women are so swamped they don’t even read messages, or even worse, read, then delete them. If you’re a paid member on one, it is possible to see when this has happened. Men have to do the weirdest things to stand out and be noticed, and women’s reactions are because of that, I imagine. It’s horrible for everybody.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 13, 2020 19:17:02 GMT
mrob, the rushing for your number being a scam thing is much, much more common to happen to men trying to meet women on these sites. I've never had it happen and never had even thought of that until my male friends started explaining how often that happens to them, and never give out your number or WhatsApp if someone is otherwise being difficult (won't continue talking without your number) because of how often it's a scammer, etc. I personally use an internet number or email address to log in to video chat that I don't use for anything else to try to avoid this issue, but again, I've never had it happen to me and have spoken to many people over the years. Some apps now have free in-app calling, especially since the pandemic started, to avoid this issue as well. Also, standing out isn't that hard! It's really a matter of just sounding like you're taking the dating site seriously, and you'd be surprised how few guys seem to do that. You read my profile, you're asking a question and you spelled it mostly correctly, and you're not just trolling for sex. If you meet my lifestyle filters (ie don't smoke, want kids, not looking for a poly situation, live close enough, are in what I think of as a reasonable age range) and I could potentially be physically attracted based on your photo, I'll respond. But will I ignore the tons of messages from men 15 years older than me (who all "act young" too)? You bet! anne12, thanks, I'll check out that video as I'm interested in other people's thoughts about pandemic dating and sociology anyway. annieb, simply yes  It can really get to be a huge waste of time. I focus on it for a while, then feel it's a time suck and take a break. I'm happier when I'm not on sites, but I don't know how else to meet new people in lockdown. I've at least gotten better at picking more stable people. That doesn't necessarily mean they're secure or a good fit or go anywhere, but the dates themselves are far less painful, and I have fewer insane and dramatic stories.
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alice
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Post by alice on Jul 13, 2020 20:42:27 GMT
If they’re wanting your number straight away, it’s probably a bot or some sort of scam. In my profile I put something about preferring to meet sooner rather than later, just because you can tell so much more in 10 minutes than in months of texting. I’d never ask for someone’s details. I have heard this from men...about being able to tell more in person. I get that, but at the same time I get asked out right away so many times, you kind of have to give me a reason to go out with you...and vice verse. I don't think women get the bots. I have heard men do. Guy 1 and 3 in this story both gave me their numbers. Guy 1 I had one long conversation with back and forth one night. |
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alice
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Post by alice on Jul 13, 2020 20:48:11 GMT
From my conversations, Women and men have different dramas with online dating. Women get so much attention that it’s a matter of sorting the wheat from the chaff. Men have problems even being looked at! I can back that up with my own profiles. Women are so swamped they don’t even read messages, or even worse, read, then delete them. If you’re a paid member on one, it is possible to see when this has happened. Men have to do the weirdest things to stand out and be noticed, and women’s reactions are because of that, I imagine. It’s horrible for everybody. I agree. It just sucks. I get a few different scenarios over and over. 1. Message: "Hi" or "Nice Smile". Besides the fact I hate this (why am I going to answer you among a million other messages), why are you interested? I look at their profile and there's usually some glaring compatibility issue which means he just looked at my pictures and that irritates me. 2. Message: We have so much in common, we should talk. Me: Ah, what do we have in common? .... Whatever answer proceeds is usually him THEN going to look at my profile to figure out an answer or some non answer. I don't think I'm THAT difficult. I don't need an exact match, but can you find SOMETHING interesting or common about me besides you like how I look? I'm not young anymore, so I'm not out there to have fun based on appearance. And my profile is VERY clear, but you don't know that if you don't read it. Anyone I message is because I find something interesting in their profile and I tell them that. I don't need to be entertained or to receive some magical message. But I need it to be sincere and I think THAT is the biggest problem. I do know there are sincere men who have their own issues as well. There are some I just am not interested in for various reasons...usually they're a lot older than I am or they are more hands on types and we don't really have any good conversations. And they can have a hard time connecting. I get that. And I'm sure men find a lot of insincere women also. Let's just say insincere people are the problem! |
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alice
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Post by alice on Jul 13, 2020 20:53:04 GMT
alexandra Wow, okay I read your response after I responded and I seem to be echoing you. I think so few can answer the question "why are you messaging me?" because the answer is "I want to sleep with you" or "I find you physically attractive" and that is the only answer they can give because they didn't even read my profile. And if they did, they probably find I have too many "expectations" but likely won't care because they'll see if they can get something out of it anyway. And yeah, I get A LOT of men 10-20 years older. I do plus or minus 5 (ish). I also get rejected by men who are two years younger because they're (also) looking for women ten years younger than them. And that's okay because it tells me where their priorities are, so I don't take it poorly at all.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 13, 2020 21:09:55 GMT
alice, I've read that some men seek sex and find love, and it's just how they feel it's easier to connect and test compatibility from the get-go for them, and that's fine. It's just incompatible with what I'm comfortable with and looking for, so we're not a match. I also do agree with mrob that it's much easier to judge the match in person, and I actually do try to meet sooner than later (I'm finding video is actually adequate for me to do this as well). But I still want to chat a little bit because it is a real thing that we women are thinking about stranger danger, and I think a lot of guys take that for granted and don't even have it on their radar. Just an oblivious thing, not on purpose.
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Post by annieb on Jul 13, 2020 23:06:38 GMT
alexandra Wow, okay I read your response after I responded and I seem to be echoing you. I think so few can answer the question "why are you messaging me?" because the answer is "I want to sleep with you" or "I find you physically attractive" and that is the only answer they can give because they didn't even read my profile. And if they did, they probably find I have too many "expectations" but likely won't care because they'll see if they can get something out of it anyway. And yeah, I get A LOT of men 10-20 years older. I do plus or minus 5 (ish). I also get rejected by men who are two years younger because they're (also) looking for women ten years younger than them. And that's okay because it tells me where their priorities are, so I don't take it poorly at all. I think I’m even older than you, and it’s very irritating that the only reason I get any attention is because I’m an attractive Easter European and I’m sure with all the stereotypes that come with that and not the accomplishments I have, or my sense of humor, or just general thoughts on just about anything including liking chess. Chess is a huge part of my life and it’s always on my profile and yet not a single man asks me about it or tries to connect with me there. And if they only tried it would be a huge way to connect with me. I understand that in my age bracket any man online will have issues. As I get older I actually want a relationship less, I don’t have the energy to change their minds about their projections of me. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2020 0:08:58 GMT
so for my profile, i didn't put in too many things. but i did put in an "attention check" which says something like drop in a line on "say cheese" when you say hi (i cant remember exactly what it was). I never ever answer those who don't do it. I think I described myself like "I'm quirky and derpy, and I study people and write about them for work." those with half a brain actually care to guess what I do and I think it's quite... telling in that conversation what they're like.
i've had men who said they're respectful of me not wanting intimacy immediately, and then kept asking what about hand touching, what about kissing, when is it acceptable, how do you know if you're compatible etc etc. All this on our second date where he failed to seduce me over dinner. All I said was when I want it I want it, you don't have to worry about it. no questions around why I have those boundaries and what am I looking for etc. It's all about him, not about me.
I agree with meeting after some brief chat, but no personal details should be given. I had once this person drop me off at my place after dinner - in the car, he kept saying oh now I know where you live, I'm just going to watch which door you come out from and follow you around. REPEATEDLY!!! AFTER I TOLD HIM IM A FOREIGNER AND ONLINE DATING CAN BE DANGEROUS AND I NEED TO TAKE SELF DEFENSE CLASSES. oh my days.
PS: I was briefed by my male friends that some swipe right on every profile and just wait for matches to happen before starting to even read the profile. for them matching is alot less common, so they just want to maximise their matches and pick from there - hence the lack of reading usually.
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It can really get to be a huge waste of time. I focus on it for a while, then feel it's a time suck and take a break. I'm happier when I'm not on sites, but I don't know how else to meet new people in lockdown. I've at least gotten better at picking more stable people. That doesn't necessarily mean they're secure or a good fit or go anywhere, but the dates themselves are far less painful, and I have fewer insane and dramatic stories.