Avoidant or Practical?

Doesn't need to be either/or. You can just be taking a break lol.

seeking I understand. Over the past 7 years, I'd also only had 2 relationships from online dating, both long and troubled with textbook FAs. I had lots of false starts too, like monthlong sometimes abusive things with guys with issues or simply very bad dates. This was like 90% of my experience.

Until I got more secure. And then it got much better and I met more secure men as well. But it still only worked as a numbers game. I still swiped and swiped on hundreds of profiles and had dates with incompatible people to find the few who were a better fit. I'd get burnt out and need several weeks of breaks. But it didn't seem as hopeless when better guys were sprinkled in through my filtering, even if they still weren't right for me.

I don't know an easier way to meet eligible partners during a pandemic, unfortunately. I couldn't go through my network (though I did try) because my friends with single friends all have insecure attachment styles and told me their available friends were "single for a reason."

Eventually, I did find a good relationship, third time's the charm! But to skip the time investment and numbers game aspect may simply require luck.

Be patient with yourself. Your experience online isn't unique, and it's totally fine to take a break, or never bother with it again. You're right to stop using it now: I learned the worst thing to do is use it when you're feeling burnt out and negative. Then it's a waste of everyone's time. But you'll see how you feel in the future. Hopefully, you'll meet someone in a more traditional manner before you start to consider rejoining, though

As you keep working through the things you've been working through in the last year, I'm also confident any avoidance in your tendencies will decrease and it'll shift into practical. If your gut says, not this guy, and it's not coming from confusing projection unrelated to him that you can't explain... listen to your gut. If you're not attracted to bigger men because it represents a lifestyle difference and incompatibility, then that's not avoidance. If it's because society told you leaner men have a higher value and you're projecting that norm to validate yourself (ie society will look on you more favorably if your man is fit), then that's someone else's voice in your head telling you what to want and it's a disconnection from yourself and an insecure attachment tendency.

i agree with alexandra. seriously, my current partner is nowhere near what I thought I'd be attracted to, but we have a secure, stable relationship in which I am highly attracted to him in a different way (no crazy highs the way insecure attachments usually are).

My list of preferences is mainly made up of how I want to feel: I want to feel easy, secure, safe, calm, contented, happy, loved, unjudged, appreciated and taken care of. He makes me feel all of these things, so the list is largely checked. This is a fundamental list - if he doesn't even pass this list, everything else is not important. if he passes this list, then have a list of what needs adjusting to make it more comfortable.

That said, i had a couple of things that will make it harder to pass the list. For example, if the guy was vegan, it makes it difficult for me to feel easy, because it there's a lot of restrictions around food. I'm a big eater and asian, so food is a big thing for me - socially, psychologically, and culturally. I wouldn't write him off, I would be aware that it is likely to present difficulties. This is a great opportunity for me to assess how he/me/we will navigate this difficulty. If you can't even decide what to eat as a couple, imagine making life and death decisions!

A key thing would be for you to know what your dealbreakers are and WHY they are YOUR dealbreakers. For example, a clear dealbreaker for me was hot/cold/uncertainty. I know this is my dealbreaker because I cannot manage uncertainty and the intended/unintended gaslighting that comes with it as it really messes me up. Particularly so as I'm neurodivergent and need a certain type of environment to be safe and functional. Therefore, that is my dealbreaker, because it is tied absolutely to my sanity and functioning. Another dealbreaker would be regular drug-taking that creates significant altered mind. Again, for me, this is a safety issue that contravenes how I would like to feel. Being super religious will be close to a dealbreaker for me as well because chances are I will feel judged (but it really depends, so you have know that person and how religion manifests).

The reverse is true. For example, you mentioned intelligence is important to you. Why? How does his intelligence affect your life? For me, I want to feel unjudged and easy, so that means that the kind of conversations I have need to be with someone who has intelligence and can take arguments as arguments, without it being personal. This way, i can have stimulating and potentially contentious conversations without feeling judged and uneasy about the tension. I want to feel understood and I know that it takes someone relatively intelligent to understand what i say and mean, because I know that I can have pretty harsh opinions about stuff.

having these 2 things for me help me sidestep judgements that may not matter too much but feel very important. It also helps you clarify what it is you want in your life, and allows you to choose more consciously towards a specific goal, rather than some nebulous idea of "i want to be with someone compatible and I'm attracted to".

Oh, and yeah - no one is rushing to fix me up with anyone. My parents know TONS of people - but most everyone thinks I'm weird - just off-beat, not mainstream. Not your normal girl next door type who is easy to fix up with someone. Even though I probably have my sh^t together more than most, I guess people who've known my past see me more as a liability.

And thanks for your other post, too, Alexandra, that all makes perfect sense.

I don't think my checklist is extreme or un-ordinary, but that's why I quite online dating. I think it's super basic and not even that could be found. And, at one point, I was on 4 sites!

I've run out of sites and options. One is a lot of "non-monogamy" - another I can't go on b/c of the stalker. One was GOD AWFUL - just not even an option. Another was okay, but very active and overwhelming. I'm not sure if I'm missing something as far as where normal/secure guys would go? They certainly are NOT on the sites I'm on - and if they are, they don't respond (though it makes me think they are FA/DA in the end b/c I don't think I'm really offensive!)

Like I said, if there's ever a guy I like, he won't EVER like me back or be interested.

So after awhile it just got weird.

I don't know if that changes with taking a break- I tend to think it doesn't, since it never did before.

I'm guessing alexandra, and don't take this the wrong way - but we're also in a different category of dating. If you're thinking about having kids in the future then I'm guessing you are much younger. And that goes back to that post of Annie's about mating that I thought was really fascinating and talked about in the General forum. When I was young and child-bearing, things were much different with men. I had TONS of options (though I was really disorganized attached then so I blew them all). But I'm not child-bearing age. I was as of a few years ago, be even then it was considered old. So what basis are we forming a relationship? I know there's a million answers to that, but it's different (when you're living it) and you don't have those set roles/expectations - PURPOSE. I'm very turned off by guys who are older with kids grown going to be grandparents or something who want like a fun girl (read sex). That won't ever be me. And that's the category of men that I fit into now - kids are grown, so no purpose for me - no role. Different financial picture, way different lifestyle. And I'm stuck in that.

So then I end up with the few guys that are single dads whose kids are still on the young side and I get the overweight guy or the guy whose an atheist and smokes pot, and that's the point when I just snapped and was like I CAN'T ANYMORE. It's fricking exhausting.

And if I'm no longer going to have kids with someone or raise a family/be a family have a purpose like that, I found that I'm not all that interested in the end, sadly. Like I can just see myself being alone. I have a life - friends, my career, a kid I raise how I want who is very attached to me as her secure base (since her father is absent).... and a man right now feels more like a liability than an asset.

And that's where I hit the place of taking my ads down, committing to just living my life. I no longer have a ticking clock. I'm slowly but sure making peace with no more children in my life (taking a very long time). And just committing to my own continued recovery, writing, career, child and financial stability. And if God or the powers that be want to put a man in my path, so be it, but it's not coming from online dating from the years I put into it...

The last thing I'll say (and I guess I just needed to vent and come forward with it now that I've had some space from online dating) is Oh I forgot now! Lol. I walked away and don't remember..

But I did remember this - and will admit to it -

My sister and my ex are both FA/DA (not sure which honestly but both extremely avoidant). I've watched each of them - one with an anxious partner, and one with a probable anxious (though maybe a little avoidant) partner "hide behind" the demands of a household with lots of kids.... meaning they don't have to worry about "intimacy" because it's just about kids/house/household and it's mayhem on both ends....

And while that's not what I'm looking for, I do wonder how much a child can be a kind of "block" for me against the oppenness of a partner without a family/kids, etc. I have like zero interest. I'm going to be 50 next year, and I had one or two relationships like that and all we did was fight (we lived together but didn't have kids).

I don't know - so it would really have to be someone compatible... who has their own passions, career, interests. Not like these semi-retired guys now who are like "hey, I just want to kick around and enjoy life."

Okay, feels better to get that out!

Just for reference. I’ve had several people try to set me up this year and I was making up excuses. The greatest one I have is I don’t date coworkers, because two of them were coworkers, although distant and it’s normal to have relationships and marriages in our company (there is not an HR policy against it, it’s actually encouraged).. The next excuse I gave for the next setup was that I’m still healing from my last relationship. I’ve had several past dates/ relationships reach out during quarantine and I let them down softly. The truth is I’ve never been happier, living on my own and childless at 40. It’s very hard for people to accept this so I don’t advertise it anywhere, but here:)