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Post by seeking on Feb 11, 2021 16:15:25 GMT
UPDATE: So the guy in question I came to appreciate. I'm on 2 dating sites again and really starting to just listen to myself. Not make myself "avoidant" but just "nope" and that's okay. I don't have to question it. <---- BIG CHANGE FOR ME. I see a lot of "what are you looking for? I'm looking for chemistry" or guys who talk about kissing or etc etc. And it just turns me off. I don't want that pressure from before we even start talking. And I know it sounds innocent enough but my avoidant part immediately is like walking away. I just think of all these men in lock down dying to get out to meet a woman and like horny or whatever, and it's like sorry no thanks (and I don't mean to say that just about men - women too) but that takes a while for me. I have a trauma history and not that it's the man's fault, just like if you're already chomping at the bit to be physical or talking about how affectionate you are 100x in your profile, it's a big turn off. So that's when this guy I've been writing about suddenly felt like, wait a minute, I'm gonna turn around and complain that he's slow? So I started to appreciate him more as a rare man who is just willing to move slow. And maybe he's avoidant or whatever, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. So I asked some direct questions, he answered. I asked if he wanted to talk - he said sure. We exchanged numbers and he's calling me tomorrow night. But during all that, I still have my stupid ad up - which I didn't want to. And, long story short - last night, I had a dream that I was in love with this guy - he was hot, royalty, but down to earth, and "got me" and really into me. Like I kept wondering why does HE like ME? But I knew. I knew he thought I was beautiful. And that I was just a really good person and he was into that. So I woke up thinking about that dream, OK-stupid-cupid - sent me a "guys you might like" type email and I looked at one and was kind of like "Yes, that's what I'm talking about." Clicked on him, it took me to the site, and he'd already written me! Normally, I don't like when guys tell me I'm beautiful, but him telling me felt really genuine and sweet. I wrote him back and he wrote me back and is really funny. Definitely not a guy anyone would ever picture me with! But I already like him. So now's the part where I try to stay chill.  |
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Post by seeking on Feb 16, 2021 13:57:07 GMT
Oh well that guy seemed FA - figures I'd pick up on it and be all over that. As soon as I started writing him back, it seems to have died out. Plus he's super not my type.
Anyway.
This is pretty much the *crux* of my online dating WOES and why I'm going to stop now.
So this guy writes me. And he's what I'm looking for (read Super DUPER rare) - he's introverted, same vision (building a house in the woods, simple life) has two twin boys my daughter's age though they live with their mom. He's on the other side of the country now and moving here in a few weeks (his job went permanent virtual so he's moving close to his kids). He's attractive, the conversation was a perfect back and forth - get each other, funny, etc.
And yet, I have this feeling he will go away. It's not a big strong feeling but based on my years and years and MANY years of experience online this sort of thing doesn't work out and if it does someone is being anxious or avoidant and I'm in that dance - which I'm not doing anymore.
So he's interested, interested, and then I don't write maybe for - I don't know - 10 hours or the next morning? I just got away from my computer, was with my daughter, etc. etc. And I also realized I didn't ask him questions, which is my own pet-peeve - but he asked me what I was up to over the weekend, and I think I wrote back on Valentine's day to say like boring stuff- laundry, etc and watching a movie with my kid who is super into valentine's day..
That's what I said.
Then I didn't hear from him despite him being online every time I checked in. I realize people can sign in and forget to sign out - but it was like all day... and nothing.
And then all day yesterday. And nothing.
And then I got this: "It's hard to keep conversations going on text with people you don't know yet!"
What do I do with that? What does it mean?
My secure part goes - oh, just start the convo again he's feeling insecure. He's telling the truth. etc
My anxious part goes - oh well, code for "he's just not that into you" and he's being polite.
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Post by anne12 on Feb 16, 2021 14:21:22 GMT
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Post by seeking on Feb 16, 2021 16:19:49 GMT
Annie- that would involve me initiating, and I'm not sure I want to do that yet.
He lives in Seattle and is moving to the east coast (30 mins from where I live) in the coming weeks. So it didn't occur to me to initiate a date quite yet.
We just started talking. I'm not one to keep messaging. So it's not just men who are like that. But we also literally just started talking.
So not sure where to go from here -
I wasn't sure how to read his comment- isn't that what people do? Yes, it's hard to keep conversations going but then ask for my number or ... like what does he want to do?
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Post by anne12 on Feb 16, 2021 16:44:04 GMT
Well in my dating thead it says; write 2 times together, then call or meet...
You are a grown up woman - you can just say that you feel more comftable talking on the phone, that it sounds great, that he is movinng to the east coast - how about if we talk on the phone instead of writing, and then we can catch up irl, over zoom or what ever after he have moved, Ask: What do you think about that...He proberly wont have much time up to the date, when he is going to move, so why not talk to him before ? Its more personel to talk.
I wasn't sure how to read his comment- isn't that what people do? - what do you mean ? This ?: "It's hard to keep conversations going on text with people you don't know yet!" - maybe he is just being honest and thats just how he feels. Why dont you write back, and say, okay why dont we talk over the phone instead then, so that we can get to know eachother better ?
Men who are serious, dont want a penpall - unless he is more feminine leaning maybe or he is under lockdown and are bored or something...
What does he want to do - who knows ? He doesent know you yet....
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Post by seeking on Feb 16, 2021 20:07:48 GMT
Anne, you're asking me as if this was my decision. This all came about really quickly. He wrote me FIRST He kept asking questions, I answered. I wrote back - it was FINE - no issues. Then I didn't write til the next day and I got the reply I posted. It felt random. I know what you're saying, but that's not the context for the situation. He doesn't seem busy. He's online a lot. He's waiting for a storm to pass out there before he starts driving. I don't know. It was like I was pressuring him to write or anything. It seems like it would make more sense for him to go "It's hard to text with someone you don't know, want to do phone?" or something like that but that wasn't the case. I wasn't sure how to read it. Anyway, I wrote back earlier: "I'm usually pretty good about it - just got busy over the weekend, sorry to drop off like that. I can always ask you 1 million questions. Or, we can chat sometime - though I know you're still on the other coast. Seems the connection is worth investigating further? Maybe? " And he said: "Maybe! Probably best to meet for coffee or something after I get out there and have a real conversation. But feel free to ask me 1 million questions in the meantime 👻" So that's fine. But he hadn't suggested that until I said something. Plus he's a GROWN MAN. He's 57! I'm not looking for a penpal. My thing is don't write to me and then say that it's awkward. That's just weird. |
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Post by seeking on Feb 16, 2021 20:14:46 GMT
And, yeah, it's fine that he doesn't know - though at 57, I would guess one would have some idea.
My whole thing is I'm not really up for a ton of dating. Which is why I originally took my ad down. I don't have time to do all the phone, plans, dates, guess-work, etc.
Maybe I will again, but right now I keep going to take my ad down and then someone like him writes so I stick around.
But I feel like this. I'm 49. You're 57, we both established what -- to me -- feels like a big deal - introverts, like quiet time at home, have kids similar age, living in the same area, he was the one who said he likes that I'm into tiny houses. I said the dream is a simple house in the woods. We joked about chickens, he said that his dream.
That's a pretty darn good start if you ask me.
I am not looking to get married tonight. Far from it. But I am on the radar for more things in common versus less - for more lifestyle similarities and going on the same direction and if that's the case - again, I'd rather cut to the chase. My point of being on there is to meet someone and move toward long term - the alternative to me is more hassle and I'm over it.
So what I don't get is if you find someone like that - get their freaking phone number. Say "hey, wow, that's cool - let's get to know each other." I mean, isn't that the point?
This is what I find so incredibly baffling about online dating! It's one thing if, in your ad, you say you're looking for friends or casual or whatever. But if you want the real deal then act like it? Idk. Just me I guess. And me being burnt out on the whole dating game.
It's like a client - they reach out, we schedule a phone consult, if it lines up, we start working together. They can stop at any time but things just move. Or they don't. It's simple.
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Post by seeking on Feb 16, 2021 20:16:45 GMT
So my hunch is that he is talking to a lot of women right now. That's all. I could be wrong - but he's playing his options. He's a good-looking guy.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 16, 2021 20:48:13 GMT
I'd rather cut to the chase. My point of being on there is to meet someone and move toward long term - the alternative to me is more hassle and I'm over it. You're right not to look for game-playing. In that way, cutting to the chase is certainly best. But if someone isn't playing games, they're just not rushing, that's totally okay. As long as things are progressing and aren't stalled out, this is actually good and normal because it means you're getting to know each other before making any decisions without enough information. This was hard for me when I was AP (so hard! because of anxiety around rejection and criticism and liking someone with all the projection that came with that on my OWN end, and my own bad dating history that came from me always getting involved with avoidants). But once I stopped putting pressure on things to progress in exactly the way I wanted, meaning I filtered for men who said they wanted the same things so there wasn't an inherent dealbreaker issue and then past that I let things unfold naturally, connection-building went a lot better. And that's because I wasn't trying to stay overly and unrealistically in control of the situation in an attempt to feel more comfortable and less anxious -- which often resulted in my bringing so much projection to the situation that a more secure guy wouldn't stand a chance. If you're still feeling burnt out, you may also want to trade other contact info with him and tell him you're taking your profile down because you don't love the app and it's no reflection on him and you'd like to keep getting to know each other. And then you can keep talking to him but delete your profile for a break before you get drawn in by a new man lol. |
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Post by anne12 on Feb 16, 2021 22:12:03 GMT
Well, people are allowed to interact with more than one person on a datingsite, weather they are good looking or less good looking. Helen Fisher recommends, that when you have interacted with around 9 people, you pause your profile and get to know at least one person better (watch the link) You cant really compare the dating world with your job, can you ? (His not a robot, a client ect. and he is not perfect, and neither are you yourself) You write, that you are both introverts or ? So who is going to take the next initiative ? Why dont you take the initiative yourself , suggest a date where you are going to talk ? (The desorganied often likes to be in control in the dating phase, and dont like when things are unclear) Also remember slow dating, that no one is perfect, that things are not either or ect. The advantage with zoom is that you can see the persons face up close and hear the persons voice vs. when you are meeting irl. with a mask on and a 6 feet distance. There are so many things that can go wrong, when you are just texting. If you dont have time to meet/call and date and get to know the other person better, then it is (also) yourself who is not availible... You can always take a break as Alexandra is suggesting and set a date where you are going to talk together - and then dont look at his profile in the meantime, or you can date in a new way by changing your setting. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38100/If you have become disillusioned about dating: jebkinnisonforum.com/post/34898/ |
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Post by seeking on Feb 17, 2021 1:34:43 GMT
Those are good articles Annie12. Thanks.
what does "Use the paradoxical method of change." mean?
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Post by anne12 on Feb 17, 2021 3:02:39 GMT
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Post by seeking on Feb 17, 2021 13:18:35 GMT
Okay, nice. Thanks!
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Post by seeking on Feb 17, 2021 13:26:03 GMT
I think I sort of naturally did this yesterday. Just tended to myself. And realized all I want is love. Not addiction love. Not unhealthy love. Not anxious/avoidant love - but just like, deep down, for someone else to be there. I've been alone a long time - even in relationship. Just a kind, supportive partner who isn't harming in some way. Who's life-giving. And me back. I think dating sites feel like the farthest thing from that. And that's all I meant about this last guy - hey, you want love. I do. Great! Let's do it. That's all - nothing pathological about that. Not trying to control anyone or project on anyone. More like - why can't it be simple? Wow, we're both on OKc. We both want similar things - let's at least move in the direction of that rather than weirdly backing out for no clear reason. It's been enough to make a secure person anxious. Or fearful. Or avoidant. Or something. I really don't think it's me at this point. So I do feel a little bereft. I just honored that in myself last night - like, oh you want to be loved? You want love? Maybe even just love love - not like romantic, perfect, anything like that. That's so normal, and healthy. Good for you. Too bad no one else out there wants it from you or to give it back - seemingly. But that's good you want it. Then I had a dream last night that I was with a woman. Which is weird. We were girlfriends. We had a lot of same sex friends. I felt incredibly myself - incredibly seen, adored, loved, understood -- "known." But then there were problems. I was interacting with another woman - just in a friendly way, swimming or something and she became really distressed and then at some point in the dream she was weeping and it was hard for me to endure. But it was weird how comfortable it all felt. Unfortunately, I have no conscious interest in women. Trust me, I've tried - not like physical or for real but mentally/emotionally just because I can find men so bewildering. But it's not my thing. But at least it was nice to feel connected to someone in that way, even if in a dream. |
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Post by seeking on Feb 23, 2021 19:17:05 GMT
OH VER IT
Totally done with online dating.
Sorry not sorry, lol.
I won't meet anyone this way - tried happn and I was like scammed. Coffee Meets Bagel - okay but really no one ends up writing after you like each other - I can ... so I'll try. But really like "high end" guys on there who are young and successful and not looking for a middle-aged single mom who is overweight at the moment.
And OK C just keeps getting more and more bizarre. Here is the last email I got from someone. I'm done.
He started out telling me that he has an ex-GF in my town and still stores stuff in her barn - I said "Oh you guys must have left things on good terms" - he'd also asked me if I go to this one restaurant in town - this was his response. This was our like first exchange.
"Yea still friends...in fact if you say no to going....she still might say yes because she will feel bad I'm going to go anyway and probably be eating alone ha!"
Then he added - as if that weren't bad enough - (and in my profile I put that my dream is to have a summer cabin in Maine) -
"What's the payoff for building a cabin in Maine? You see I already built a 450,000 house over in center Valley and I had to walk away from it and my ex lives there...she convinced herself no sex would be my reward for 60 hour work week lol.... I can't imagine I'm gonna be stupid enough to build another house without a contract (no sex no house 😎)"
I'm truly tired of ignoring this stuff.
The other day I went and Liked Back like 6 guys who like me - one of them wrote - and then when I wrote him back he disappeared.
This isn't like *in between* talking to other guys that are good - this is ALL. THE. TIME and like 99.9% of my exchanges.
Except for the one guy - Seattle dude - who also inexplicably went dark.
I'm not going to meet someone this way. The ads are coming down ...
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