|
|
Post by lilyg on Jun 7, 2021 22:51:23 GMT
@introvert, thank you. Yes I understand I cannot blame everything to him. I understand what triggered this is me getting upset and not being able to connect with him in a safe way. I am really sorry about it and plan on not doing it again. I just feel like this has gone too far and that him not giving space to my feelings its too much for me to deal. I am feeling physically sick with sleeping beside him, for example. I feel so disrespected, things have been said that makes me feel I have been treated unfairly... but he feels upset if I don't. I want to repair, I really want, but I need to address this and not swipe everything under the rug.
I would love for him to understand as much as your partner is doing. Both working towards it is the only way.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2021 23:03:34 GMT
@introvert, thank you. Yes I understand I cannot blames everything to him. I understand what triggered this is me getting upset and not being able to connect with him in a safe way. I am really sorry about it and plan on not doing it again. I just feel like this has gone too far and that him not giving space to my feelings its too much for me to deal. I am feeling physically sick with sleeping beside him, for example. I feel so disrespected, things have been said that mames me feel I hace been treated unfairly... but he feels upset if I don't. I want to repair, I really want, but I need to address this and not swipe everything under the rug. I understand completely. You need real progress to be made, not just band-aids. I had gotten to that point too, it became critical to address a pattern of toxicity in his behavior. So I really do understand. You deserve to be respected and to feel safe and valued, not looked down upon or made into a "difficult child" just because he is not willing to question his own part of this. I hope you find the answers soon! |
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Jun 7, 2021 23:07:21 GMT
@introvert, thank you. Yes I understand I cannot blames everything to him. I understand what triggered this is me getting upset and not being able to connect with him in a safe way. I am really sorry about it and plan on not doing it again. I just feel like this has gone too far and that him not giving space to my feelings its too much for me to deal. I am feeling physically sick with sleeping beside him, for example. I feel so disrespected, things have been said that mames me feel I hace been treated unfairly... but he feels upset if I don't. I want to repair, I really want, but I need to address this and not swipe everything under the rug. I understand completely. You need real progress to be made, not just band-aids. I had gotten to that point too, it became critical to address a pattern of toxicity in his behavior. So I really do understand. You deserve to be respected and to feel safe and valued, not looked down upon or made into a "difficult child" just because he is not willing to question his own part of this. I hope you find the answers soon! Thank you so much for validating my feelings. I really needed that today. I love him very much, I hope he finds his love for me is more important than believing there's nothing for him to fix with me. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2021 23:17:37 GMT
I understand completely. You need real progress to be made, not just band-aids. I had gotten to that point too, it became critical to address a pattern of toxicity in his behavior. So I really do understand. You deserve to be respected and to feel safe and valued, not looked down upon or made into a "difficult child" just because he is not willing to question his own part of this. I hope you find the answers soon! Thank you so much for validating my feelings. I really needed that today. I love him very much, I hope he finds his love for me is more important than believing there's nothing for him to fix with me. Of course! I am sorry if you didn't feel that from me sooner. I may not have empathized enough with my words while internally I was right there with you, it's very fresh for me! I had gotten to a place of really deactivating but it wasn't just my attachment response there was something big behind it- and it was the things you are talking about. I felt it better to be single and focus on loving and taking care of myself better than to continue the trajectory we were on. And it would be better! Because I was coming to realize the toll it was taking on me, and I knew I could not continue with it. I also struggled with the loss of a relationship I have truly cherished. It's sad and scary when you just don't know what the other person will do or not do, to repair and build better things. It feels very painful to think that the way may be willing to let you go, rather than do the self work that you yourself are trying so sincerely to do. So yes, I can really feel your pain and I want you to feel that you are understood, even without solutions. I tend to offer solutions and that is very typical of my type! But I do it in order to try to provide avenues to hope, and it may not always be what is needed. Your feelings are very very understandable, and I'm sorry you are feeling so hurt and discouraged. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jun 8, 2021 3:41:09 GMT
lilyg, how is he when neither of you are triggered and things are neutral? Can you discuss and repair then? Or he would rather be thoughtful in terms of acts of service (pizza) than talk? I think "I am who I am" is a total copout if it's in regards to lashing out when angry instead of being empathetic to your partner and learning better tools for handling conflict-resolution. I can see how there's still some attachment clashing here and how you may trigger each other, but if you're saying "our communication and conflict resolution needs work because we can repair but not actually resolve"... it's not even feedback to get defensive about. It's just identifying the recurring problem that is in dire need of solving if being close to him is giving you a physical feeling of wanting distance.
|
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Jun 8, 2021 5:57:01 GMT
Thank you so much for validating my feelings. I really needed that today. I love him very much, I hope he finds his love for me is more important than believing there's nothing for him to fix with me. Of course! I am sorry if you didn't feel that from me sooner. I may not have empathized enough with my words while internally I was right there with you, it's very fresh for me! I had gotten to a place of really deactivating but it wasn't just my attachment response there was something big behind it- and it was the things you are talking about. I felt it better to be single and focus on loving and taking care of myself better than to continue the trajectory we were on. And it would be better! Because I was coming to realize the toll it was taking on me, and I knew I could not continue with it. I also struggled with the loss of a relationship I have truly cherished. It's sad and scary when you just don't know what the other person will do or not do, to repair and build better things. It feels very painful to think that the way may be willing to let you go, rather than do the self work that you yourself are trying so sincerely to do. So yes, I can really feel your pain and I want you to feel that you are understood, even without solutions. I tend to offer solutions and that is very typical of my type! But I do it in order to try to provide avenues to hope, and it may not always be what is needed. Your feelings are very very understandable, and I'm sorry you are feeling so hurt and discouraged. Oh no, I've been feeling the understanding and support from you since the start  I just wanted to thank you explicitly, I feel really grateful. Yes,I understand what you're trying to say. If I feel like needing distance... I think it's healthy. I am mostly secure with AP tendencies when triggered, so the unhealthy thing for me it's to fantasize about closeness when a conflict with someone I love has occured. I am sorry for your loss. It sure feels like a death sometimes, I am glad you're taking care of yourself, I'll surely remember to do the same! |
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Jun 8, 2021 6:10:39 GMT
lilyg , how is he when neither of you are triggered and things are neutral? Can you discuss and repair then? Or he would rather be thoughtful in terms of acts of service (pizza) than talk? I think "I am who I am" is a total copout if it's in regards to lashing out when angry instead of being empathetic to your partner and learning better tools for handling conflict-resolution. I can see how there's still some attachment clashing here and how you may trigger each other, but if you're saying "our communication and conflict resolution needs work because we can repair but not actually resolve"... it's not even feedback to get defensive about. It's just identifying the recurring problem that is in dire need of solving if being close to him is giving you a physical feeling of wanting distance. He would rather ignore fights and just resume with acts of service, time together, and maybe in the near future if I comment on it he'd gladly say it was a stupid disagreement. He has never tried to talk first about something unless I am clarly giving him a lot of space. Sometimes I'm happy to let it go, but I've told him plenty of times that I need him to apologise more, as taking the blame for almost all fights makes me feel discouraged and resentful. I think it is a copout and it's really hurtful, mostly because I really am working on myself and taking serious steps to be a better partner. Yes, I feel very discouraged because I thought that we have become a long way and we were more secure but these days I've felt that anxiety and that dettachment that made us suffer a lot. That phrase is very useful, I'm feeling with more energy today to talk, I hope he's calm enough. He was really nervous I wanted to sleep in the sofa. I went there with my pillow to calm myself for a bit and then go back to bed, he cuddled and fell asleep. Today he asked me why I wanted to sleep apart. I told him I just wanted to calm myself for a while. So yeah he needs like 3 days to calm down, I can wait... but I'm really thinking if I want to be with someone that is not taking steps to better himself as a partner. He has been doing it on the past and I want to believe in him, but I'm feeling discouraged after this. |
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Jun 8, 2021 7:25:23 GMT
Ahh I just talked with him and he says he is not feeling close to me lately because I've been working two jobs and stressing about some projects. That my energy affects him a lot. That he doesn't know were we stand. I told him that I am, as always, very serious about him and to tell me what he needs to feel closer to me. I've promised to leave one job and make time for him everyday to take a night walk, see a movie or have some dinner. We don't have to be doing something important everyday, but I get the feeling he needs me to be more present for a while. Work my hours and relax (I actually started therapy because I felt I was stressed and taking more than I could). I've also explained how I feel about going back to bad attachment issues and how I felt being dismissed, he says he knows he need to work more on how he communicates and conflict resolutions. I asked if I could talk about it with my therapist and ask for some excercises we can do together to help our communication and he said of course. Thank you so much alexandra and @introvert , what you've told me has been useful. I can see how easily one can fall back to bad coping mechanisms in the everyday life. |
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jun 8, 2021 8:24:00 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Jun 8, 2021 9:19:09 GMT
Oh yes, I did really disconnected from friends, I thought not from him but apparently I was mistaken. Thank you 😊 will check it out! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2021 13:00:46 GMT
lilyg I am very glad you two talked. It's great he was able to share his inner state with you. And you are right, it's so easy to get caught in old mechanisms. I'm learning that if I am hurting, so is he. Our defenses gave us defending only ourselves. But health requires that we defend our relationship, our partner as well. And, I think it's easy to overlook an avoidant's need for connection. Because when we feel abandoned we go away, we don't cling. We shrink, or push people away. So it looks like we don't want connection but really, we are wired to give up and soothe our own sadness. It sounds like things will be improving all the way around! That's excellent! So out of this, maybe your relationship can get stronger. Every time we solve a problem for a win win it means something good for the relationship. Very glad that you are finding resolution.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2021 13:05:11 GMT
Polarity is a nice aphrodisiac 😉😀 |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jun 8, 2021 14:55:33 GMT
Excellent lilyg, I'm glad you were able to talk out where the problem is coming from since now you can work together on addressing the right issue! In a way, there was an uncommunicated lifestyle conflict that then cascaded to dysfunctional attachment patterns, so it's very common all that is intertwined. One other thing I wanted to highlight. I think you two have different love languages. Yours sounds more like words of affirmation, and his acts of service and time spent. So it may be helpful to discuss that as part of what would make repair easier and feeling more comfortable together to then discuss resolving issues. The attachment style conflicts are the deeper issue, and hopefully he'll resume doing his work on that too (shutting down, lashing out, not being comfortable with open communication about problems or bringing them up is the larger source of conflict), but it may make things easier to understand the differences in communication and expressing and receiving love to take the love language stuff into consideration as well. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jun 8, 2021 14:57:09 GMT
And, I think it's easy to overlook an avoidant's need for connection. Because when we feel abandoned we go away, we don't cling. We shrink, or push people away. So it looks like we don't want connection but really, we are wired to give up and soothe our own sadness. This is a really good point in general for everyone on the forum! (Though it comes with the caveat of the avoidant expressing abandonment and the partner not just assuming and pushing reconnection and bulldozing boundaries with assumptions if that's not what the other person wants... which is not at all what's happening in this thread, but does sometimes in other posts.) |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2021 15:24:10 GMT
And, I think it's easy to overlook an avoidant's need for connection. Because when we feel abandoned we go away, we don't cling. We shrink, or push people away. So it looks like we don't want connection but really, we are wired to give up and soothe our own sadness. This is a really good point in general for everyone on the forum! (Though it comes with the caveat of the avoidant expressing abandonment and the partner not just assuming and pushing reconnection and bulldozing boundaries with assumptions if that's not what the other person wants... which is not at all what's happening in this thread, but does sometimes in other posts.) Exactly! I dislike generalizations because every situation is a bit unique, and there are many factors at play in a relationship dynamic. Also, there can be a lot of projection between insecure people. I like, and I identify with, the experts on this who frame healing as coming more toward the middle.... and to me that means that an avoidant will likely ALWAYS AND FOREVER have a fundamentally different way of living and taking space and being in the world. But it can evolve to include connection, safety in the clan, intimacy, emotional availability. Sometimes I take space because that's what is healthy and good for me. Sometimes I "deactivate" because I am stressed due to outside stressors, that are not to do with the relationship. Sometimes I "deactivate" because the relationship itself is painful. Sometimes I "deactivate" because the relationship somehow has triggered old stuff for me, and activated my inherent coping mechanisms. It is not for a partner really to try to determine all that- and likely if the relationship is insecure they will miss the mark badly if they try. Because an anxious partner is wired opposite, and insecure = projection, they may transfer feelings of abandonment to the partner when those feelings are not present. They may transfer anger and aggression to the partner when those feelings are not present. I've had that happen a bit! In the end, the only way for all this to volvo to healthier, more balanced relating is for each partner to be fully committed to understanding themselves and their habits and projections and unhealthy way of relating. Unhealthy way of interpreting things. It's very nuanced and complicated. So the experience of other similar types who have gained understanding is very important. Also, I think it's very helpful to see "opposite " coping styles being able to bridge the gap and see that their common core is insecure attachment, with all its pain and futility. Our paths of growth are similar in some ways and different in others. I found for me, when I shut down it's actually the right move to find connection and open to other people. Maybe for an anxious person that would be perpetuating and over dependence. Again , it's about both sides coming more to the middle. But we can remain more outgoing/extroverted/other dependent to a degree, and introverted/inward moving/self dependent to a degree. I don't think I can ever change my spots completely but I absolutely have seen myself move toward health and balance. And the same for my SO. Getting him out of my head will be a nice relief though. He recognizes that he interprets me wrongly and harmfully all too often in conflict, instead of listening and letting me represent myself. That feels oppressive and hopeless to me when he does it. I also feel very angry and violated when he does that. But I have kind of taken my power back and made a boundary around it. It's in the fair fighting rules! We both have to work on the ways we get it wrong. |
|
I just wanted to thank you explicitly, I feel really grateful.