Feelings being dismissed

As for an update: I had yesterday an appointment with my new therapist.  I told her everything about how I fel this week but we focused a lot on my past trauma (the death of my parents and my role as a caregiver), I cried so much but felt so positive on my journey and resolving our issues. It was a very intense but rewarding day.

The thing is, my boyfriend went out to have some drinks with a friend and was constantly sending me messages about how much he loves me. Then he stopped replying, I got a bit anxious and he appeared at 2 AM completely wasted. He had lost his phone and wallet. He gave a really hard night doing dumb drunk stuff around the house, I barely slept and I had to wake up at 6 am to go to my office and have a big meeting with my CEO about a project I'm launching.
I tried to help him, canceled his cards, etc but I was so mad. I am sober and I feel like he's not trying his best to not cause more drama when we're trying to repair our connection... he knew I had work today and we have a romantic lunch planned later... he will have a hangover  . I've told him that I want to discuss today moderation. I've done so many dumb drunk things in the past that have affected him and our relationship, so I hope he understands he does the same damage to me when he decides to drink this much (honestly, since he has been going out with this new friend of his, he is drinking so much more than ever). Frankly, after this past week, I am trying my hardest to be honest and clear without exploding. This is piling on the stress and sadness I already had.

He is agreeing with me on everything and being very apologetic but I don't know how he'll act.  I know by experience the decision to stop drinking in excess is very personal, so I'm stablishing my boundaries and offer support if he needs it. Not much else I can do.

Sorry to read this. Getting a drunk partner home in the middle of the night when you are going to have a serious meeting at work the next day is annoying and a bit respectless.

Can't you agree on some "rules" about this ?

Is he also stressed out ?
Does he have friends where you live ? (Besides the one he has been out with) ? Does he speak Spanish ?
Are you more successful in your career than him ?
Is he having some kind of "midlife" crises or is it a way to shake off some of the pandemic stress ? Maybe he just needs to feel like he is alive for a while - like in the movie "Another Round"  - it won an Oscar  and a Bafta - 
Trailer youtu.be/WuClROtJCaw
Great interview:
Mads Mikkelsen and Thomas Vinterberg talk to Guillermo del Toro about the movie. (The instructor/director of the movie lost his daughter 4 days into the shooting of the movie) m.youtube.com/watch?v=c5DDe7hFVcs

I personally had to learn this about men:
- Men reduce stress by doing something that causes his testosterone to rise, which is why the typical "cave time" such as watching football, playing playstation, running, having sex, drinking beer with friends, etc. can cause his testosterone to increase and decrease his stress.

Drinking is part of the culture I live in. Proberly the same with the Brits. So (for me) it can be difficult to figure out where is the fine line between "just having fun, feeling alive and being a man" and when does it become an addiction..(..There has been "the light kind of alcoholism" in my own family" so I have got this love/hate relationship with alcohol - my boyfriends never got addicted

Hugs to you - you been through a lot ♥️.

I love this krolle, thank you very much for your support!

I see this very much in my SO, and I appreciate that he takes care of himself this way. He doesn't drink but he gets around men in a competitive activity and he is very very good at what he does. I'd say he's a high testosterone guy.

It's important to note that beer increases estrogen. Apparently there are so many phytoestrogens in hops that people who harvest have to wear protective clothing. So the fellowship might be helpful, but beer itself is not! He is likely seeking the guy time but shooting him self in the foot with overindulgence. Perhaps suggesting healthy guy time and encouraging his participation in any hobby he enjoys would be loving.

And, update on mine- we have had some really great couple discussions about the Joy i feel having met a new friend who is neurodivergent and shared sensory issues, and her loving partner. My outing was a real success and the happenstance (is it really?) of meeting such a great couple who have shared this experience and found a great way to be together around it- that is golden.

My boyfriend and I have a date planned tonight, and we are planning it thoughtfully, to help support my needs. It's a new direction for us as a couple (not that he has been thoughtless- we just were ignorant about what was going on with me or how to help me feel better).

I have more hope than I have had in a long time, and some good boundaries have come out of this break on both sides. Also, a deeper level of connection. It appears that we are actually leveling up as a couple. I know for sure I am leveling up as an individual. so much is possible that isn't immediately apparent when in stress. So lilyg, although it is discouraging, seek self care and support before trying to answer questions and solve problems, is my best advice. I don't know if you are asking for advice so take it only if it resonates. It seems you are doing a good job with this but are overwhelmed and at the end of your rope, so tie a knot and rest with some good support if you can.

Hi anne12, than you for the film recommendation, I'll watch it. I have a complicated relationship with alcohol so maybe this is a sore spot for me.

Well, yeah, brits drink a lot, but here in Spain is a very big culture on drinking too. So its normal to be drunk all weekends. My home country is the same. I used to drink a lot too, but stopped. I don't want him to stop but he was... I was writing in detail what has he doing but... I feel bad putting it in a public forum. It was bad, embarassing, he was sad, then angry, and just... bad. He needs to moderate. I feel bad for him because he's being really down on himself, and i understand because the same has happened to me. I really understand. I am glad he's safe, I think he got robbed because he had bags of things he had bought, his phone and wallet.

He earns more money, he just changed careers and is doing great, he loves what he's doing. He's very passionate about it. He speaks spanish perfectly, but he does not have a lot of friends here. Three of them moved away after covid and another had a baby and disappeared. He usually goes out with two friends and I think that's great, I love that he goes out and drink an enjoy others company. He also goes to ride his bike on the mountains. 

I think he really likes to drink and when he's with someone that drinks more, he doesn't stop. At least that's what used to happen to me.

Thank you Anne, you're very intelligent, empathetic and strong glad to have your words and help. I hope you're having a great day!

I just think is unnecessary drama, but I am actually now more worried about his experience with alcohol now. As I've stated before, I've had problems too with my behaviour as a problematic drinker.


He really never tries to placate me hahaha quite the contrary. He does tend to swipe things under the rug sometimes. And sometimes I think we should, because obsessing over something stupid and talking about everything everytime is exhausting. But sometimes it is very necessary.


I like that when he goes out with other friends he moderates much more, I'll try to encourage him that and doing more bike rides.

It is great! I hope you had a good date night, and that this is a new beggining for your relationship Sometimes we need a bit more of understanding to kick off healthier relations. I will take care of myself more. I am investing in it through therapy and healthy choices. I've been experiencing a lot of joy lately in little things and I do think I was out of touch with what is surrounding me and I was on autopilot. I finally watched yesterday a movie one of my best friends from Mexico helped made (a beautiful and fun animated movie just released) and I felt so happy to enjoy and talk about the experience with him. Long walks in the city I live in and I love.Thakn you for reminding me of this.It helps me get more secure in my core, if it makes sense.

You might be onto something! I think he's pretty direct with his needs and thoughts if they come easier to understand, so I won't know. I would like to explore this but I don't want to assume what he's feeling or not. I guess what he needs is more awareness, perhaps revisiting the topic together once he's calmer might help practice this. I don't know! He's now communicating what he's feeling and thanking me for the support, so I guess we're going somewhere  

One thing I'v really seen both sides of in recent times is the ability to truly empathize with another person's pain and emotions when you don't often experience them. Especially between the genders.
I'm generalizing here, Maybe it's a man thing, or an avoidant thing, or just a me thing. But at least in my experience I have found it incredibly difficult. And it's often the source of friction in many of my past relationships.

I have always tried my best to cognitively empathize with people in my life, because I genuinely care. But to truly emotionally empathize with another is an altogether different kettle of fish.

Much like your partner, Lily I too have been guilty of dismissing and invalidating my partners emotions before. Especially when they are strong or 'over the top' emotions that trigger me. And now I'm becoming more aware I feel terrible shame for that. Even though it was never intentional.

It's just extremely difficult for us (Men, avoidants etc). Because there is often no visceral concept of how your loved one is feeling a lot of the time, or even what our own emotions mean. Most of our lives we are taught to ignore emotion, or learn to mistrust it. it's an alien concept that barely registers on our radar, unless there is an overwhelming trauma or concerted effort to decipher that world. And provided we don't just numb with drink.

Before experiencing real visceral pain, and sadness myself, the closest thing I could describe my emotional response to my loved ones own emotional expression is somewhere between confusion and anger, never outward anger. As I said I always tried to cognitively understand my loved ones. But there was nothing visceral going on. No feeling.
It's never intentional for us to not understand the women we love sometimes. But we just can't comprehend most of the time what it feels like to have strong emotions. So the reactions often seem absurd to us and then it's easy to invalidate.
Until such time as we really are forced into a massively emotional state ourselves. Then I know for me, and many of my male/avoidant friends, have the wool pulled from our eyes by feeling some of that gut wrenching anxiety and realize that's what our girl was crying for the other week etc. and then if it's not too late we will try to let our loved ones know we really do love and understand them. Or if it is too late feel very ashamed about our behaviour. But the catalyst to understanding another's suffering is to go through it ourselves.

I understand both your own frustrations and your partners actions.