Feelings being dismissed

Excellent lilyg , I'm glad you were able to talk out where the problem is coming from since now you can work together on addressing the right issue! In a way, there was an uncommunicated lifestyle conflict that then cascaded to dysfunctional attachment patterns, so it's very common all that is intertwined.

One other thing I wanted to highlight. I think you two have different love languages. Yours sounds more like words of affirmation, and his acts of service and time spent. So it may be helpful to discuss that as part of what would make repair easier and feeling more comfortable together to then discuss resolving issues. The attachment style conflicts are the deeper issue, and hopefully he'll resume doing his work on that too (shutting down, lashing out, not being comfortable with open communication about problems or bringing them up is the larger source of conflict), but it may make things easier to understand the differences in communication and expressing and receiving love to take the love language stuff into consideration as well.

ilyg I am very glad you two talked. It's great he was able to share his inner state with you. And you are right, it's so easy to get caught in old mechanisms.

I'm learning that if I am hurting, so is he. Our defenses gave us defending only ourselves. But health requires that we defend our relationship, our partner as well.

And, I think it's easy to overlook an avoidant's need for connection. Because when we feel abandoned we go away, we don't cling. We shrink, or push people away. So it looks like we don't want connection but really, we are wired to give up and soothe our own sadness.

It sounds like things will be improving all the way around! That's excellent! So out of this, maybe your relationship can get stronger. Every time we solve a problem for a win win it means something good for the relationship. Very glad that you are finding resolution.

This is a really good point in general for everyone on the forum! (Though it comes with the caveat of the avoidant expressing abandonment and the partner not just assuming and pushing reconnection and bulldozing boundaries with assumptions if that's not what the other person wants... which is not at all what's happening in this thread, but does sometimes in other posts.)

Exactly! I dislike generalizations because every situation is a bit unique, and there are many factors at play in a relationship dynamic. Also, there can be a lot of projection between insecure people.

I like, and I identify with, the experts on this who frame healing as coming more toward the middle.... and to me that means that an avoidant will likely ALWAYS AND FOREVER have a fundamentally different way of living and taking space and being in the world. But it can evolve to include connection, safety in the clan, intimacy, emotional availability.

Sometimes I take space because that's what is healthy and good for me. Sometimes I "deactivate" because I am stressed due to outside stressors, that are not to do with the relationship. Sometimes I "deactivate" because the relationship itself is painful. Sometimes I "deactivate" because the relationship somehow has triggered old stuff for me, and activated my inherent coping mechanisms.

It is not for a partner really to try to determine all that- and likely if the relationship is insecure they will miss the mark badly if they try. Because an anxious partner is wired opposite, and insecure = projection, they may transfer feelings of abandonment to the partner when those feelings are not present. They may transfer anger and aggression to the partner when those feelings are not present. I've had that happen a bit! In the end, the only way for all this to volvo to healthier, more balanced relating is for each partner to be fully committed to understanding themselves and their habits and projections and unhealthy way of relating. Unhealthy way of interpreting things. It's very nuanced and complicated. So the experience of other similar types who have gained understanding is very important. Also, I think it's very helpful to see "opposite " coping styles being able to bridge the gap and see that their common core is insecure attachment, with all its pain and futility.

Our paths of growth are similar in some ways and different in others. I found for me, when I shut down it's actually the right move to find connection and open to other people. Maybe for an anxious person that would be perpetuating and over dependence. Again , it's about both sides coming more to the middle. But we can remain more outgoing/extroverted/other dependent to a degree, and introverted/inward moving/self dependent to a degree. I don't think I can ever change my spots completely but I absolutely have seen myself move toward health and balance. And the same for my SO.

Getting him out of my head will be a nice relief though. He recognizes that he interprets me wrongly and harmfully all too often in conflict, instead of listening and letting me represent myself. That feels oppressive and hopeless to me when he does it. I also feel very angry and violated when he does that. But I have kind of taken my power back and made a boundary around it. It's in the fair fighting rules! We both have to work on the ways we get it wrong.

Absolutely. From the flip side of that, I've been nitpicked to death by some of my avoidant exes and approached as if I'm an enemy with bad intentions that were the opposite of where I was coming from. It feels the same way, though I think AP will get triggered anxious and frantically and ineffectively try to explain their intentions before eventually shutting down and accepting and self-magnifying the shame and blame.

lilyg
Spinal flush
youtu.be/_P50JmJjNkQ

I like this little reminder:
When we are in a relationship, we are holding a part of the other persons heart in our hands just as they are holding a part of our heart in their hands...

The problem is if we are stressed out we can esaily flip the lid and take the low road - it can be difficult to be precent when we are stressed - we are up in our head
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/13491/

Men and women also in general need different kind of support when they are stressed out. Women in general likes to talk and men in general wants to find solutions, and can get overwhelmed by all the talking. Some men don't get turned on by heat but likes the woman to be more cold.
Stress produces heat. 

I think it's important to talk about how we as a couple can support each other the best way possible when one or both are stressed.

How can we make sure to get transition time before we arrive at home.

Physical touch can also be a big stress regulator and sex/orgasms

Being expats in a foreign country can also be challenging to a relationship.

Handholding and fmri scan study
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3835900/

This break we are in has been incredibly fruitful for us. After the big talk I described in the support section, we are still on a boundaried break which is more like a time of self reflection, care toward the relationship, and breaking habits. We are in contact, and it feels good for both of us. I need less activity in the relationship so I can work on my health. We are basically just pulling out of habitual ways of being to find more mindful ways.