Did my DA try hard enough?

At the end of the day, folks, a relationship is about seeing things together- seeing places, seeing the world, seeing movies, seeing each other's needs, seeing each other's friends and relatives.

With a DA/FA, you'll be seeing a therapist.

I'll leave it here.

In any relationship of any kind, health can not be had if both people are working to be conscious of their negative beliefs and patterns, this is true even of "secures". Here's a great article I read this morning that seems relevant, especially to me at this point as my boyfriend and I work together to build our relationship.

It speaks to the importance of using discretion when choosing a partner but remaining open to growth when challenges arise.

estherperel.com/blog/want-to-build-trust-in-your-relationship-take-risks

Of course therapy is great for trauma victims. However what I'm talking about is the amount of people being sent to therapies after their encounters with an avoidant. I probably is quite confident to say no one gets out of an encounter with an avoidant unscathed. 

I guess that is one way to view it…I actually don’t feel that way if you read my comment about.  I am now of the mindset that every relationship is a learning opportunity.  And when I consider all the therapy I have had…it was primarily due to my own trauma from my childhood versus any pain I experienced from an ex partner.  Also…having explored my own wounds, I now have a lot more empathy for others who have also experienced trauma.  

Agreed with this. I dated a narcissist before my ex fa/da and can attest that there was a real difference btwn the two. the narcissist did the classic love bombing, gas lighting, never taking responsibility for anything. my fa/da was more a mix of confusing behavior that did not add up to what he said he wanted. Arguing with the narcissist made me want to tear my hair out bc he always assumed victim mentality, whereas arguing w the da/fa actually never blew up bc he was somewhat receptive and it felt constructive. He said stuff like "I don't think you're asking for too much" and "If you feel that way, it must be valid." Whereas the narcissist was "It's not my fault you feel like that" and "I'm sorry you feel that way."

interestingly, the narcissist came back three months after we broke up, saying he was working on himself, was doing tons of intensive therapy and was able to accept responsibility, desperately wanted to get back together. He said he was going to write a letter stating his intentions and a plan for our future. When the letter came to me, it was just five pages of love confessional with no concrete steps towards a future. It was like a love bombing on paper, all over again. I respect his efforts, but blacksnow2 's thoughts make a lot of sense-  I think narcissism is a lot harder to break out of as it is a real disorder where they are unable to step outside of that sense of self/ego. 

It's actually so sad. I remember feeling just like that when my mask truly cracked. I had a panic attack, wanted to die, and legitimately believed I was probably a narcissist, because everything I had read about it made so much sense right then as I was experiencing it. It eventually subsided and I'm okay now, but god.... I can only imagine the pain of a narc if mine was so unbearable. I truly felt like nothing and it killed me on the inside. But really, that's just the space between the true self and all the coping mechanisms... you remove the outer layer, it will feel extremely empty for a while.

But the difference between you and a narcissist is your ability to have empathy…..one of the key traits of a narcissist is low empathy.  Without empathy, everything is about the self.  I had moments when I too felt very narcissistic and it is about consistently staying in that space.  That is one of the reasons why therapy often doesn’t work.  It requires an ability to see another person’s point of view and own one’s own responsibility to that other person.  Low empathy also leads to treating others as a way to get your own needs met….so people begin to become more like objects of use.  That is why the discard is so painful…it is a long period of finding the NPD fault and then an abrupt end.  My prior therapist was married to an NPD for 3 years and did a lot of research…she used to tell me all the time that a true NPD doesn’t see anything wrong with who he/she is…they will simply find new people to support them.