Did my DA try hard enough?

That is the thing about avoidants that are not being self-aware or simply too narcissistic to go get help. Just like doctora, Simon and myself whom have nothing but the best intentions for our avoidant exes, you have no idea the amount of devastation the avoidants have caused. 

I have no issues owning my part. I'll apologise and try to correct my behaviours, which I had been doing for the past year when all she did was strung me along, while enjoying the full benefits of being in a relationship while giving back absolutely nothing. Would she own her part then (we already know she won't and blamed it all on me instead) of insulting me and my children, telling lies, pulling away, distancing, keeping secrets, stringing me along, being rude to me and my children, physically assaulting me, hot and cold etc?  

Trying to downplay their shitty behaviours and the damage they caused feels the same way as being a survivor of the Holocaust and being told it didn't happen. 

You're a dick for invoking the Holocaust over your shitty little relationship. If you need to be told why, you're also a moron.

There you go. The real side of an avoidant comes out. 

One insult doesn’t cancel out the other insult and I’m sorry it went into tit for tat with her, that is the worst. But I understand you are saying that her coping methods are different than your coping methods. We all deal with stress differently and it’s what we know and are capable.

When I think of my last DA and his coping methods, they now seem comical to me. They seem like there is no way I could have had a relationship with him that lasted more than a year, but I do not try to understand his methods any more. Because I do understand them, I accept them and we are moving on and hopefully one day we both meet someone, who can interact with us in a more constructive way, for both of us.

Because even though he is a DA and is pretty horrible it was me who hung in there for dear life with him, and that’s my responsibility. I take that and I move forward.

With you it seems like you still haven’t looked at why you repeat this pattern in your life. What is your role in this and most importantly the feelings you feel about yourself - are you trying to make them come from her, so you don’t have to own them?. That’s the general sense I get from your posts. You’ve basically assigned her the source of all your negative feelings and closed the case. If you can access this trap, you will make progress. You are still here so I think subconsciously you are trying to.

....This all feels scarily familiar to me.

It may feel familiar not because of faulty traits inherent in everyone you interact with here, but because of your malignant, abusive communication style.

Your communication is full of the characteristics of an abuser. The tactics you employ to attempt to silence the voices of those here that you have generalized as sick, incapable people include:

Condescension:
You're sarcastic, disdainful, and patronizing
Circular nonsense:
You suggest the "mature" tactic of name calling to deal with disagreement, and when I literally did exactly what you suggested you foolishly attempted to call me out on it, as if you forgot that you just suggesting doing this.
Countering:
You suggest that everything others contribute here is wrong, and that your generalizations are the only truth in the discussion (generalizations and blanket statements also being a verbal abuse tactic you employ)
Criticism:
You persistently employ harsh criticism in order to drive home your point, allowing no room for nuance nor alternative explanation, there is no deviation from your blame and shame method of communication

It appears that in the face of your incivility, others here have gone to great lengths to remain civil, but behind the scenes the conversation is that you are suspected to be highly disordered. Most won't point you in the direction of considering a personality disorder in yourself because it could be seen as a way to amplify your behavior here instead of mediate it- mainly because you show a stunning lack of self awareness. That, and you turn everything into "There you go, that's an avoidant for you." That alone is a verbal abuse tactic- discounting everything, generalizing, trivializing, it's all there.

At any rate, you've managed to erode the quality of the interactions forum with your continuous victim rants. In real life, as on the 'net, people tire of the person who continually nags, complains, attacks. There's little doubt in my mind that you tortured your ex with your onslaughts. You're aggressive, and relentless. Obsessed. It's toxic stuff.

No doubt you will attempt to turn this all back on me, but it's no matter. You've been expressing negativity for months here and it isn't likely to change, others here will simply move on. I've done so for the most part but watched this thread a couple days to see if anyone calls you out or if they just stand back. A moderator would be helpful but as it is, we just need to take it or leave it. Not a life-changer.