FA friendzoning while emotionally invested

So. everyone on this board i can only recommend:
Do not make yourself responsible for other peoples issues. I know you think (as you might typically be AP or got AP tendencies when you are on this board) that you are able to figure out a way, that you got the power and intelligence to navigate anyone and everything, that you can take every hit.. but no.. that's only wasted energy and self abandonment.

This is fantastic insight and I believe it is worth sharing on the AP board as well. 🙂

So…just remember that a person with FA attachment will swing between anxious and avoidant behaviors…so she is in an anxious pattern at the moment and it is good that you have recognized this and are holding your boundary.  I would need to look back….but did you decide to just be friends after all?

So….here is where you need to make a decision regarding “contact” (ie do you want to leave the door open to her to reach out).  I say that only because she may want to leave it open hoping you change your mind about hanging out and being friends while you may want to leave it open in case she changes her mind and wants to re engage in a relationship.  I am not sure if that is fair to either of you because you would still be a bit “stuck” on each other.  I am not suggesting you block her, but it might be better for both of you if you close the door to communication.  That is something you should discuss and agree on but I do not see how staying in contact will get either of you what you want.   

What is it you want for you? Do you want a romantic long term relationship? If that’s what you want, you need to tell het that if you keep seeing her then it would only be for this relationship. If you don’t want a long term relationship, you might as well close the door right now. Because I’m also sensing some confusion in your goals, and maybe you are contributing more to the confusion between you both than you think you are.

Yes, it’s totally wishy washy, especially after a year of dating. I would be frankly as a woman insulted by these “goals”. I think your offer isn’t good enough and she is reacting to that as well, but in her own codependent way and trying to define the relationship as a friendship. Because that’s what your offer really is. So, I guess it’s time you let this go as you won’t step up either.

I feel confused by this..

I agree with annieb. You're both FA and you're both dancing around to figure out how to connect and stay connected without feeling overwhelmed and triggered to run away. She thinks decreasing physical intimacy will do the trick. You think having physical and emotional intimacy but no solid commitment will do the trick (saying let's just see how things go after a year, which is lots of time to get to know each other and gauge compatibility, at least enough to know if you want to commit to an LTR even if you're not ready for more serious steps than that ie moving in together, getting married, etc., is a cop out, as annieb said, and what I'm explaining is why).

This is going in unhealthy circles, but it's very normal in an FA-FA dynamic since you're both triggering each other and you're each reacting to the push or pull of the other. I don't think there's a way to realistically do what you're groping around for an answer for as she is unaware and not working on her attachment issues, and you're aware but still trying to negotiate and bargain to find a comfortable level instead of taking responsibility to attend to your own needs and connect to yourself. You're not committing yet blaming it on her because you don't know her authentically enough... this is how she is, this is how you are. This dynamic is what's here. If it doesn't meet your needs, walk away for a while for real, work on yourself, and maybe you'll both be in a healthier place if you reconnect down the road (and equally likely, maybe not). But if you both keep doing what you're doing, it's just going to continue going in circles while continuously eroding any trust that exists between the two of you.