I'm an Avoidant, (Member)

Kristy, Thank you for your understanding. I'm sorry to hear about your ex. Yes, it's a coping mechanism that's difficult to understand because we keep so much inside and often we don't realize ourselves why we act the way we do. I wish you luck whether you decide to move on or reconsider your relationship.

Hi Kristy,

I don't feel like I have any special insight into your guy. I mean, people kind of confuse me.  I can say from my own personal and limited experience that when I've been in a relationship that was going OK, and then it got to be too much for me, it has felt a bit like there's some switch inside me that gets flipped and I can start to really dislike my partner.  But I also feel like I'm some weird, special kind of mixed-up crazy.  I see aspects of the 'dismissive avoidant' style in my behavior; yet I can also hang onto a relationship longer than I think a typical DA would. (I also got some codependent traits and tend to be a caretaker in a relationship.)  So what happens for me, personally, is that I'm in a relationship and I gladly do little things (change her oil, fix this or that around her place, etc.) and pretty soon I feel like these things are expected of me, and there are more of them to do, and I get overwhelmed (insert drained battery metaphor here) and then I want OUT. So for me there really isn't a 'going back' because I will have unhappy memories of feeling put-upon.  That's kind of my current situation at the moment (starting month 5 with a partner who hasn't found a full-time job; I'm paying her bills and all utilities and groceries. I feel guilty and responsible enough for the mess that we've created to keep doing it, but I see myself using the detachment strategies Jeb describes in the book). For me it isn't that I withdraw from emotional intimacy (I think I can handle that) - instead, I seem to have a knack for finding or enabling partners who expect me to do more and more until I'm angry and resentful. And when I'm angry/resentful enough, I start to see that my life as an independent individual looks a lot better than my life as a member of a team where I'm doing most of the work.  So, I can't say I really missed my exes, but I also felt a lot of relief at only needing to take care of myself afterward, which sounds like a very different situation than the one you describe.

I've been in your shoes with a DA partner of 12 years. I would advise a complete no-contact for as long as it takes for you to feel yourself again. I ended up going to the same therapist I had visited together with her, and my suspicions of a DA personality were completely confirmed, which was helpful to me. Whoever you end up visiting, I would suggest that you ask about their experience within the field of attachment. Good luck in your healing process - a quote that helped me was that, from an attachment standpoint, a relationship with a dismissive avoidant is the same as being alone. I've since found actually being alone a lot more fulfilling than being with my DA ex.

"In big and small ways, dismissives let you know that you are low on their priority list, and your inner emotional state is your problem—when you are with one, you are really still alone, in an attachment sense."

jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-dismissive-avoidant/

I haven't posted on this thread for some time but was reminded of it by a recent post. Many of the questions over the past year have been by those who have been hurt by being in a relationship with an avoidant and naturally would like answers of what went wrong and could they have done things differently to change the outcome. Each avoidant has different circumstances leading to their unique response to bonding approaches. Everyone has different infant/childhood experiences that molded their brains and psychology to how they react as adults.

The fundamental problem with this type of inquiry is that there are many types of avoidants. Some had traumatic experiences that are the opposite of my experiences which involved a form of benign neglect. My mother had three children by the time I was 1.5 years old, myself being the oldest. She had no time, energy or capabilities to interact with her children on an emotional level. Yet the trauma-based and neglect-based are both referred to as avoidant. So to ask me how a trauma based avoidant might react to you is to treat all avoidants as uniform which we aren't. In addition, each of those who has been hurt by an avoidant have your own history and experiences as children. Your bonding needs and approaches are all uniquely your own and to speculate on what you could have done differently wouldn't be productive.

In addition, I believe this line of inquiry has another flaw. As Jeb has pointed out, the most lasting form of relationship between bonding challenged couples is the Avoidant-Preoccupied. Secures normally move on as they perceive an incompatibility and aren't willing to put up with the distancing that an avoidant exhibits. The fundamental flaw is that most people don't know what they are. They don't give any thought to their subconscious processes, mostly because they're subconscious. We blindly go about dating with no idea what a good mate would be and unaware of our own bonding issues. If you're reading this site and are/have been in a poor relationship with an avoidant, you're most like some form of preoccupied. But just as you didn't know that you're preoccupied the avoidant doesn't know what they are either. It's probably overthinking your relationship to wonder what was going on in the mind of the avoidant, most likely nothing. When an bonding approach gets too overwhelming, we don't use our prefrontal cortex to logically determine our next moves. The subconscious takes over and our actions are dictated by primitive fight or flee responses. With all the types of avoidants and preoccupied and their individual levels of awarenesses of their own bonding processes it's difficult to answer questions of relationship outcomes.

I can generalize to say that the more you acknowledge your own bonding issues and those of others, the better you'll be able to make more informed decisions on who you date. When you find yourself dating an avoidant, don't over think and become emotionally overwhelmed by their responses to your bonding approaches. Know that it's their childhood you're dealing with and it's mostly not about you. However, the preoccupied are subconsciously triggered by exactly the avoidant's distancing behavior which causes the preoccupied to become emotionally overwhelmed and the cycle repeats. Lots of understanding and patience are needed if a preoccupied finds a high enough functioning avoidant that doesn't overly trigger the preoccupied's bonding issues. Otherwise, hoping an unaware avoidant will magically come around or be changed by your behavior is a long stretch.

Best Wishes,
Steve

Interesting Steve.

I took the test and came back as secure, but it's a good point that maybe attachment issues in ourselves draw us to get triggered or to participate in these behaviors instead of walking away immediately.

I've always had very happy / healthy and closely bonded relationships with men but I'd always classify those men as maybe being a bit anxious themselves. They were definitely always quite worried I would leave them (which on reflection maybe is not normal!) I have never displayed any avoidant tendencies that I KNOW of, but maybe I have always had "walls" or a very slow attachment system.

The last relationship I had was my first with an avoidant (I think he is FA) and when he pulled avoidant behavior on me it definitely made me feel anxious. More than confused and upset, it actually made me feel anxious. So maybe I am an FA after all, but borderline to the point I have never noticed anything was an issue before now. to be honest he came across as anxious / clingy at first and then switched to avoidant so maybe I thought I was matching with my ideal "type" and then it got turned on it's head.

Very good food for thought.

I've read intimate descriptions from dismissive, fearfuls and anxious attachers on here over the past few days and I'd say the one I most closely identify with is the FA style. I always thought I was "picky" but maybe it's more than that.

Steve,
I realize this is a Very old post but THANK YOU! Thank you for acknowledging and taking responsibility for your role in your relationship. I am a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner. I diagnose, treat, and provide psychotherapy, yet I was totally unaware of these specific attachment disorders(except for reactive attachment). At least, I don't recall learning about them.
How I ended up in a relationship with a DA(unclaimed)is beyond belief. I suspected my guy was a bit of a commitment-phob, but it wasn't until 7 months in, that I realized the exact extent. I'm a Secure and believe wholeheartedly that any relationship can work with two willing participants. I know that communicating is paramount for healthy relationships. I asked if he feared commitment. He was well informed of my expectations and agreed he could meet them. We even learned each other's Love Language and vowed to speak it (he never spoke mine).
Our relationship was as close to perfect for 6 months until I noticed that voicing my concerns or wishing to communicate resulted in him projecting blame, refusing to communicate even to discuss where things went wrong, minimizing my concerns and feelings, passive aggression, defensiveness and anger. He took absolutely NO responsibility, even though it was his actions or inactions, which were inconsistent, that were of concern.
The final straw was the silent treatment. I was staying at his house and he became angry after I asked a question...the same question he asked me days prior. He stopped talking and refused sex. It was after that I started researching and came across this blog. It will help me in my practice as well as personally. Thanks Again!