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Post by annieb on Sept 28, 2021 16:49:56 GMT
A while ago (February, March, April of this year), I engaged in a short term relationship with a coworker (something I shouldn’t have done and I regret). He is 34, I’m 41. At that time I thought I would be able to quit as my freelance work was picking up; but then it didn’t pan out the way I wanted it to, and I had to stay working there and in proximity to him (although only once or twice a week at most).
He had been flirting with me for two years and then ramped up his pursuit and slid in my DMs 😅. And we started talking privately and spending time together. His pursuit was a hookup and sexual, although at the time he made it seem like he was in love with me, sending mixed signals from day one. He lovebombed me (saying he loved me, buying me food, texting, etc.) I fell for it as I still after all this time and all this therapy look for validation. To my great self disappointment.
He was clear from the beginning he was emotionally unavailable (he used these words), and that he had problems with intimacy and labels, but his actions where the complete opposite. Like if you turned off the sound, the movie would be romantic so to speak. And yet there were gaps in his pursuit (presumably he chased other women, but that’s just my guess, not confirmed). He never told me why he was emotionally unavailable.
Until it occurred to me it’s just an excuse and he just doesn’t like me enough. The good old truth. And that truth hurts so much. I haven’t been able to get over this, although I ended the relationship officially in May. We had a couple more conversations where he came up with excuses of why he can’t date (financial issues), but when I’ve offered to see him without cost, he’s rejected it and basically wants to be friends. I’ve told him that I can’t be his friend.
At work he is starting to act again how he used to and starting to say things that he used to say, after distancing from me for a couple months.It’s annoying to say the least. He is playing me and I may become a fiddle again and I can’t seem to get a grip.
Do you have any advice? I’ve been treating him like any other colleague at work and I think held myself with self respect outwardly, but inside it hurts so much. His interest and then withdrawal activated my abandonment (it’s clear I shouldn’t be dating at all of this keeps happening), and consciously I know this, but subconsciously I’m still trying to “fix” the past. My therapist is drawing parallels with my mom and how she wanted to be loved and how she didn’t get the love she wanted. And it resonates. But how do I stop this? I’ve had enough.
My guess is he is FA, but it’s not about him, it’s about me:) I’m FA.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 28, 2021 19:09:12 GMT
Soooo….I know you are saying it’s you because you are FA and taking responsibility for your side of things…but I do think it is important to acknowledge to all of you…..that it also is him as well. Just because he isn’t here on this site does not give him a free pass to play games….and that is what he is doing and that not only hurts..it is wrong. I would be honest with him…I would tell him you are not interested in anything beyond a platonic coworker relationship with him. After the break up, you owe him zilch except to be on good terms as coworkers. Likely, and he does sound FA, he will simply move on to someone else which allows you to work through your feelings. I wish I had been more direct with B….told him that friendship with mixed feelings/actions was not working and put a solid boundary in place…it would have saved me from so many confusing times. Sending hugs.
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Post by annieb on Sept 28, 2021 22:39:54 GMT
Thank you tnr9 , I had very clear secure thoughts about not getting into this relationship at the beginning, but I allowed my attraction and loneliness to get the better of me. And my FA took over. I should have followed my gut and bowed out of that relationship much sooner and been firm with him. But I believe a firm boundary will pretty much fuel his pursuit all over again. Although I could be wrong. Perhaps next time this goes down (his renewed flirting next time we work together (there have already been hugs to console me (we had a very emotional event with one of our coworkers happen right when we were working together), as well as him "accidentally" touching me, like he used to, and teasing me that I miss him, etc.))), and I know it will in some form, since even before we got involved his behavior was hot and cold, and then it was hot and cold during the relationship, so why would it change now? I know what you're saying that he is 100% responsible of his part. And he actually even apologized at one point. I so wish my ego could already deal with this and get over it, but it doesn't seem to be happening. I am having an extremely difficult time moving on. He's also pursuing another woman right in front of me (I am sure he always did, I just wasn't always privy), and it really stung my feelings seeing that, but I held pretty firm (and remained calm and pleasant around both of them), and I don't think I gave anything away (my relationship with him at my request has been a secret, I had enough sense to ask for that). This other woman I believe is head over heels with him and she is absolutely lovely. It will be nothing short of a challenge for me if I come out whole the other end. I hope I don't experience their happy ending and they both quit before that lol. I just feel so hurt and rejected it's ridiculous. Problem is I am interested (as an insecure) in an involvement with him, and want his validation so badly, it's just I know (the secure me) that any further involvement with him will destroy me, for the lack of better word (dramatic I know). I will be stoic and get through this, but why does it feel like this will be harder than anything else i've done so far in my whole life it seems!! Thank you for listening! |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 29, 2021 2:37:32 GMT
Thank you tnr9 , I had very clear secure thoughts about not getting into this relationship at the beginning, but I allowed my attraction and loneliness to get the better of me. And my FA took over. I should have followed my gut and bowed out of that relationship much sooner and been firm with him. But I believe a firm boundary will pretty much fuel his pursuit all over again. Although I could be wrong. Perhaps next time this goes down (his renewed flirting next time we work together (there have already been hugs to console me (we had a very emotional event with one of our coworkers happen right when we were working together), as well as him "accidentally" touching me, like he used to, and teasing me that I miss him, etc.))), and I know it will in some form, since even before we got involved his behavior was hot and cold, and then it was hot and cold during the relationship, so why would it change now? I know what you're saying that he is 100% responsible of his part. And he actually even apologized at one point. I so wish my ego could already deal with this and get over it, but it doesn't seem to be happening. I am having an extremely difficult time moving on. He's also pursuing another woman right in front of me (I am sure he always did, I just wasn't always privy), and it really stung my feelings seeing that, but I held pretty firm (and remained calm and pleasant around both of them), and I don't think I gave anything away (my relationship with him at my request has been a secret, I had enough sense to ask for that). This other woman I believe is head over heels with him and she is absolutely lovely. It will be nothing short of a challenge for me if I come out whole the other end. I hope I don't experience their happy ending and they both quit before that lol. I just feel so hurt and rejected it's ridiculous. Problem is I am interested (as an insecure) in an involvement with him, and want his validation so badly, it's just I know (the secure me) that any further involvement with him will destroy me, for the lack of better word (dramatic I know). I will be stoic and get through this, but why does it feel like this will be harder than anything else i've done so far in my whole life it seems!! Thank you for listening! It isn’t ridiculous though….That is something that I think insecures get wrong…this notion that secures just dust off their boots and move along….I think secures feel hurt….they just oftentimes have more resources to go back to. My therapist used to tell me all the time…you have a legitimate need to feel loved. that was being (at times) met….and now you miss it and are hurt that it wasn’t met fully. Grieve that need not being fully met…again. As far as him and this other woman…you know how this story plays out. Even if they do last,his wounded ness will still run his show. Nothing changes if nothing changes within him. As to you….give yourself time, give yourself grace… |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2021 13:27:15 GMT
I'm sorry you're experiencing this agony. My take on the insecure "romantic" stories we get tangled up in that it isn't about you as a person, or him as a person, it's not about people. It's about chemicals. We make it about people.
This is going to sound dehumanizing but I'm not coming from a cynical place. There is a deep, spiritual and emotional side of us that has to do with enlightenment and evolution of the self and growth. Consciousness.
And, there is a side of us that is biology, physiology, purely primitive existence.
These two aspects of humans get tangled up and we get tangled up in them, as our thinking brain and all its perceptions and hang ups try to make sense of it all. This is my perspective, and it helps me, it may not help you:
WE ARE SOMETIMES NOT MUCH MORE THAN CHEMICALLY DRIVEN MEAT BAGS. Dopamine, seratonin, sex hormones, blah blah blah we have all these chemicals circulating or not circulating and it drives what we think, believe and do.
In view of this, maybe just view him as the chemical dispenser your brain is tapping to get it's fix. Recognize that he's just a dude that provokes responses in your chemical brain, he's not any kind of character you want to be in a story with. Then get to work figuring out what your chemical brain needs, and how to get it. In safe healthy ways. Meet those chemical needs, you know a lot about how to do that and you can get therapeutic support. You can heal yourself. Your chemical brain thinks he has the magic pill through his validation, sex or whatever but he's just a chemically driven meat bag here too so what a mess.
When you're all balanced and right again is when you become conscious and human, your best self. You will get there. What a hard journey toward wholeness but what else are we going to do? Being a meat bag produces a ton of suffering and only by healing and becoming conscious can we get out of that shitshow.
I wish you relief, and soon. Hugs. Actually yes if you could get some hugs from safe people in your life that can help those chemicals!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2021 14:07:38 GMT
Wanted to add... it's through the events like this but also overwhelmingly positive things, like real love, bearing children, seeing the beauty of the planet etc that we find a path to consciousness so it's not a waste you just have to know how to intelligently deal with the process. And that comes with help of others and development of your self. You have that intelligence and development you just have a hitch to work through, as I see it.
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Post by midnight77 on Sept 29, 2021 18:46:21 GMT
Hi annieb, I am kind of going through a similar situation. I separated from someone a few months ago and even though the connection was pretty quick and rather insignificant (with a lot of love-bombing), I still think about him and still hurt. Particularly in the past 2 weeks, which urged me to find a solution. Also because I believed the griefing period was done. After some research, this is what I came up with and I hope it helps you.
Basically, I could not understand WHY I was still missing him since he explicitly told me he cannot give me the love and relationship I wanted. If our ideas and plans for the connection were so different, why did I hold on to this possibility, why did I think of him coming back and many other impossible romantic scenarios. I actually watched a YT video that helped me understand that this person is actually a symbol for experienced connection, love, validation, appreciation. As a FA myself, I suffer from fear of abandonment. Therefore, I now feel continuously hurt and lacking not because I miss him but because I miss connection, love, validation, appreciation, the same things that I did not receive properly when I was a child by my mother. By identifying your ex-love as a symbol, you take your power back. He/she is only a projection of your desired love and validation. But you can find connection, love and validation - which are your needs - in other ways, for instance by meeting them on your own. In a nutshell, through self-love and self-soothing. Most importantly, forgive yourself for experiencing what you have experienced. I know it is easy to blame ourselves for being dumb and falling in love once again with unavailable partners.
I hope this partly helps, with me it did. And sorry for potential grammatical mistakes but I am kind of in a rush and wanted to write this anyway. Just remember that these experiences shed a light on those parts of us that are not yet healed. Best of luck!
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Post by annieb on Sept 30, 2021 17:14:20 GMT
Thank you, guys! This is so very helpful, I would totally give the same advice and comments, yet I can't see forest for the trees, when I am in this situation personally. Your responses are so wise, thoughtful and researched.
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Post by annieb on Sept 30, 2021 17:23:40 GMT
Also yesterday spent my whole shift with him and his was lovebombing me like he did before (I guess I've given him enough space to start this again). Complimenting me on my work and work ethic asking for advice, commenting on my body and size (in reference to another person, but still), using every excuse to talk to me. Luckily I won't see him again til next Wednesday, but this is how it's going to be for a while I guess. I feel like if I bring up anything verbally (like stating a boundary) it will fuel a pursuit, I think for now the best strategy is grey rocking, but I don't know if I can fully trust myself. I wanted to text him last night about something we spoke (a vocational quiz that I found helpful in the past), and thank god, I didn't. It will be day to day for me for the time being, until one of us quits that job.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 30, 2021 19:10:54 GMT
Also yesterday spent my whole shift with him and his was lovebombing me like he did before (I guess I've given him enough space to start this again). Complimenting me on my work and work ethic asking for advice, commenting on my body and size (in reference to another person, but still), using every excuse to talk to me. Luckily I won't see him again til next Wednesday, but this is how it's going to be for a while I guess. I feel like if I bring up anything verbally (like stating a boundary) it will fuel a pursuit, I think for now the best strategy is grey rocking, but I don't know if I can fully trust myself. I wanted to text him last night about something we spoke (a vocational quiz that I found helpful in the past), and thank god, I didn't. It will be day to day for me for the time being, until one of us quits that job. Can you be “busy” so that he has less access to you? You are not responsible for him and if you make the boundary clear and he does not respect it…there are avenues you can pursue. It just sounds like you are white knuckling things at work hoping he will move along but in the meantime causing a day by day dilemma for you. |
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Post by annieb on Sept 30, 2021 19:20:42 GMT
Also yesterday spent my whole shift with him and his was lovebombing me like he did before (I guess I've given him enough space to start this again). Complimenting me on my work and work ethic asking for advice, commenting on my body and size (in reference to another person, but still), using every excuse to talk to me. Luckily I won't see him again til next Wednesday, but this is how it's going to be for a while I guess. I feel like if I bring up anything verbally (like stating a boundary) it will fuel a pursuit, I think for now the best strategy is grey rocking, but I don't know if I can fully trust myself. I wanted to text him last night about something we spoke (a vocational quiz that I found helpful in the past), and thank god, I didn't. It will be day to day for me for the time being, until one of us quits that job. Can you be “busy” so that he has less access to you? You are not responsible for him and if you make the boundary clear and he does not respect it…there are avenues you can pursue. It just sounds like you are white knuckling things at work hoping he will move along but in the meantime causing a day by day dilemma for you. Thank you! Yes, that was my strategy yesterday. I did just about everything under the sun to be busy and that's when he started hovering around me and calling me over to talk, and asking questions. I can get rid of him if I pay attention to him, if you know what I mean, like if I texted him, that would actually make him withdraw. If I confessed any feelings or ask to date, he would run for the hills. It's that I am unavailable is fueling this. I will be exhausted to say the least. I am sick of myself and my "love addiction". |
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Post by annieb on Sept 30, 2021 19:25:37 GMT
I am "acting" healthy, but I am not feeling healthy at all  |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 30, 2021 19:31:50 GMT
I am "acting" healthy, but I am not feeling healthy at all Yep….I can read that. Glad you did not contact him last night. |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 30, 2021 19:50:47 GMT
annieb, in your work situation do you have any recourse? Like could you pretend you'll get HR involved if he doesn't back off, even if you really won't? I once was in a work dating situation, which was a terrible idea because he was either a very extreme DA or covert narcissist, but I was unaware of all that at the time (he led to me learning a ton about personality disorders though, which was good). The only thing that kept his behavior in check was that he was very concerned about any potential impact to his career. I was as well, so we were very discrete and had no career impacts even though we of course went typical AP/DA garbage and I felt terrible seeing him every day for months after it ended. But it might prevent this hovering around you while you're unavailable if he's even more afraid of something than his FA abandonment trigger. That could at least get you more of the space you need? I'm not suggesting in a mean or threatening way, but you could say something like someone else asked you if anything is going on between you two and that you're getting uncomfortable with the attention if people are noticing and are thinking about asking HR about the work dating policies 😆 I feel like he would back off real quick but not in a way that could lead to retaliation.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 30, 2021 19:57:04 GMT
Btw, I don't usually advocate playing games, but you're already doing the introspection and seeing what wounds this surfaces for you, and I've been where you're at and know it sucks and you need space but it can be a tricky line to protect boundaries at work when there can be other consequences. So sometimes it's just a matter of making someone else think it's their own idea. Though you need to work on trusting yourself and your own boundaries too, as you said you're not feeling good about that right now either. But maintaining the space you need will help with that.
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