alexandra to answer your questions of how he mended things and repair led after conflicts, at the beginning of the relationship he reached out and apologized and expressed a desire to be together and I appreciated that, but as the time progressed and there was more frequent conflict, there was also less mending. I think he had by that point found enough things wrong with me that he was no longer interested in mending and the rudeness and emotional warfare were justified.
annieb sorry your going through that, as a dismissive leaning FA and probably a bit on the spectrum I can see how I hurt those that tried to be close to me, and was often distracted and irritable for other things that made me cold and unmindful to the feelings of others in the moment.
I say that because I still miss him terribly and I still really liked the person he sometimes was.
Ugh, I'm so sorry things turned out this way! But, that yellow flag turned ALL red. Like, nothing but red staining everything. He treated you with complete disrespect, and missing the person he sometimes was is intermittent reinforcement at work. I'm not even sure he actually was that person with the aspects that you miss, that might be how he gets his needs met because anyone who acts like this 100% of the time isn't going to do well with keeping people around. I also didn't realize your internalized responses had leaked into your daily life so much, but that was a sign things were incredibly toxic and you were putting up with something you shouldn't need to. The yellow flag story wasn't great, but I understand that you're still working on trusting yourself and maybe were still assessing your own participation in the dynamic, so I was effectively saying collect a little more information keeping these important perspectives in mind to try to be objective instead of coming from an insecure view. But seriously... he's a jerk, and he was projecting all his negative feelings about himself on you, I'm sure of it.
Healthy relationships add to your life, they don't drain you of your energy. I'm sorry you're hurting, but intermittent reinforcement again is a b*tch especially in it causing turning up missing someone to 1000. But this ending will be for the best.
usernametaken to answer your questions about therapy and what happens after he goes silent. Usually he would chase because I would deactivate myself. When I chased him through the subway system; I was in essence challenging myself to not withdraw and not take his behavior as a rejection.
When I first met him he said he was in therapy, but when the time went by and more things revealed themselves it was a psychiatrist he was seeing that also did a therapy session with him; once a month. Once a month is probably not enough and I thought quite presumptuous of the psychiatrist to take over the therapists role and it be enough. Of course I don’t know all the real details.
Oh, I can relate to this, trying to push yourself out of your own pattern ends up pushing you over into the other side of things inadvertently. I think I am also learning that just "seeing" a therapist isn't enough, you can go and rant about something for an hour and it doesn't really do anything for you. I didn't realize how much my counsellor practicing skills in session and giving me homework has helped me. She also helps me connect how my past is showing up in the present so I can start to unravel all that pain. I have a few other friends who have talked to a counsellor and they listened and validated but it wasn't really enough to start to really heal.
Therapy doesn't work until you're actually ready and willing. And even if you are, not every therapist is equally good. Someone being in therapy is a good first step that signals they may be taking their own mental health seriously enough, but it isn't enough information on its own. You still need to observe change over time if you're gauging where someone else may be at, and if they're healthy enough to show up for a functional relationship.
alexandra thank you for your post. I think sometimes I still don’t recognize where I end they they begin type of thing. Codependency basically and I self harm in a way, once the negative thoughts and energy are transferred to me. I’m happy I was able to walk away from this situation. As harmful as it was. My mood has improved so much since last week; and the breakup on Sunday. Things are going back to normal. I thought about what you said about missing the parts of him that very likely weren’t even real, but were probably an act. I’m tankful I was able to get out of this relationship eventually, maybe a couple months too long, but it did happen and I’m back to my life, and curious and happy about future.
usernametaken I’ve had a good amount of therapy at this point and I remember wanting to really challenge myself and dig deep and make it my money’s worth so to speak. The biggest repressed traumas, etc. I was only able to uncover with a trained therapist. Some sessions are still venting and feel good validation, and then there are weeks I go through breakthroughs. It all takes time, but overall I should say it’s unproven my life and outlook very much.
Regarding challenging myself and accidentally flipping tot he other side. That seems to happen a lot, but it is also a great learning experience, and a confidence builder even, but without a therapists guidance I don’t think I would be able to do it effectively. I don’t know. I’m relieved this last relationship has come to a close. I got really confused during it and I am glad to be less confused now.
rykus9 I hear you and I remember feeling and acting like that I’m my late teens. The times I really regret where I treated my mom like that and I really wish I could take that back. I now approach the world from a perspective of kindness if I leave my house so to speak. If I get irritated at work the challenge is to still come out kind and patient. That’s still a challenge for me after all these years. But as I am kinder to myself it’s easier to be kind to others.
We’ve exchanged a few more texts. He revealed that he perceived as me sexually abusing him, when I suggested we should have sex the morning I left. It gave me a huge pause as I was trying to piece together what I said or did that came across as sexual abuse. I apologized as I understood it may have come across that way even though it was not my intent. Then it slowly dawned on me that the parts he hesitated to share with me about his past and his childhood abuse, was most likely child sexual abuse he experienced. I literally started weeping. When I shared my revelation he immediately blocked me. I texted a few more sentences of how very sorry I am that went green.
The poor guy sent a few texts today, talking about a new cat he got and how the old cat was reacting. And some cute photos of them. Then before I was able to send a reaction, I was blocked again 😅
Oh, sounds like he's gone FA? This is quite the tough situation!
Yeah, I think he is dismissive leaning FA. He was aware sometimes and then completely unaware other times. It was a rollercoaster of emotions for sure. I don’t know if I need to do an official break up with him or what. Right now I’m confused; but I think he will try to transition to some kind of friendship that serves nobody. 😂