Post by introvert on Apr 19, 2022 1:21:06 GMT
Oh, sounds like he's gone FA? This is quite the tough situation!
Yeah, I think he is dismissive leaning FA. He was aware sometimes and then completely unaware other times. It was a rollercoaster of emotions for sure. I don’t know if I need to do an official break up with him or what. Right now I’m confused; but I think he will try to transition to some kind of friendship that serves nobody. 😂
I agree with alexandra
that he is unstable, although I don't see him as a jerk as she mentioned I just see trauma and neuro divergence and a painful dynamic.
It doesn't matter the source of the instability though, it's harmful to you and would continue to harm you in a friendship (hate that lame description of post-breakup insecure B.S.). It does seem as though the lack of reciprocal growth and kindness (which is absolutely necessary in relationships) was really hurting you and your relationship with yourself.
I think I have seen a lot of growth and evolution in you, and I believe you are on a great trajectory if you find a way to be decisive and act against any impulse or habit of retaining an unstable dynamic like this in your life. This is where the growth happens as well: the ability to let go, and heal and learn and move on. That's just my take, it seems you have to be the strong one, the one acting in your best long term interests, using wisdom you have gained that is just concealed a bit at the moment because of the rapid 180degree turns. It's got you a bit dizzy I'm sure, it's confusing and giving you hits of reward no doubt with the intermittent reinforcement going on.
But it's not healthy to remain in contact in this kind of a disruptive and painful dynamic. We have all carried on longer than we ought at some point or another so no judgement! Just offering my support.
Post by introvert on Apr 19, 2022 16:57:34 GMT
thank you for your thoughtful message. Had to come back and read three times for it to really sink in. The addiction and intermittent enforcement is strong, but all in all I feel I’m weathering better this time than previous relationships and breakups. I feel like I attached differently this time. I am not immediately going to the self hatred silent panel, and I stayed overall in self harm lite territory 😂. Only a little a bit of wallowing in self pity, and more like making lists or things I like to do so that I can remind myself what my hobbies are in case I slip up and get down and depressed.
You've got so much awareness!
And that's how it goes, the continuum:
mistakes made but with conscious awareness
conscious correction of mistakes
unconscious correction... living more free of the patterns, without having to consciously correct them.
I think you're doing great.
Post by annieb on May 17, 2022 4:20:13 GMT
Here I am again, I guess it wasn’t enough last time:) He reached out again about two weeks later and was oh so sweet, and we saw each other again a few times. He had started drinking again; the first couple times I saw him, it was mild, just wine, and now today it’s basically a liter of vodka and he is trying to die. I visited, I was concerned. I brought him food and fed him and the cats and then left work work. I haven’t heard from him, but it’s a matter of hours of getting serious poisoning. I don’t know what the appropriate course of action would be. I was so wary of falling into my codependency trap, that I’ve fallen in the absolute worst one. I asked him about going to a hospital and he said no way. And I asked him about when he last saw his psychiatrist and he didn’t say anything. I asked him if he is trying to die and he said yes.
Why the f*ck I answered his frilly texts two weeks ago after he had blocked and unblocked me is beyond me.
Post by alexandra on May 17, 2022 6:16:24 GMT
He might get angry about it, but honestly, if you really think he's trying to harm himself and you know he's that drunk and will be for several hours, I'd call the police and ask to do a wellness check. I do know someone whose family did this when that person was going through drunken mania effectively, and that person ended up involuntarily committed for their own well being. Which also led to a mental health diagnosis, so it wasn't all bad. However... I hate to say this so much, but if he is a person of color in the US, then I would not call the police 😭 And then I'm not sure what to do, besides find experts who deal with this professionally and ask for advice. There may be hotlines, but I've never checked myself about what resources are available.
That's to help him now if it's really an emergency. But he needs to get back on his own feet using his own support system, NOT you. If he has a family member who can deal with this, let that person know he's struggling and they should check on him, then bow out.
Post by introvert on May 17, 2022 12:42:24 GMT
Oh ouch, annieb
, I'm sorry things have turned that way. It's scary and sad to watch someone losing the battle with mental health or addiction problems. And, as many of us know, there is nothing you can do other than some practical intervention and stepping back as mentioned above.
The other person here who needs support of course, is you. When things go painfully wrong in my life, my inner critic can pipe up pretty brutally. Or, maybe you're struggling with the codependent urges that give the illusion of being able to help, but lead you down the path of illusion and emotional torture. Whatever head space you're in, make sure you're taking time to check in with your feelings and see there is anything there that's a part of your bigger picture concerning self love and healing. These situations tend to be very triggering, perhaps inducing feelings of guilt, worry, or other negative thoughts and feelings that are patterned in us. As painful as it all is it can still contain an opportunity to work on self care and challenging any old narratives.
I'm working on that in my own life as well, concerning the painful reality of a sibling's mental health and addiction issues. I hope you've got some good support and are taking good care of you.
Post by introvert on May 18, 2022 16:57:54 GMT
Thank you so much for your thoughtful posts! It means so much to get this support and to return to me all the time, when anything happens, you guys always help with that.
Post by annieb on Jun 13, 2022 15:40:29 GMT
Hopefully the last and final update to the DA man’s saga. After the last post here we again full on dated all initiated by him, we had sex, etc, while he was in active addiction. I had serious doubts, but reason left me once again.
Until one morning I was with him and things were very poorly with him. He was extremely dehydrated and couldn’t stand up. He drank water I gave him and peed it all immediately out on the floor. Knowing he didn’t want 911 involved I said we should order the mobile IV. We were going to wait for one, but I had to leave for work, it was already 9 am on a Friday. He was then ok with calling the ambulance. The ambulance came, I packed his backpack and they took him. His blood sugar was 274, which I had no idea he had blood sugar issues.
He hid a lot of health information from me during our relationship, while insisting on helping with mine (I have autoimmune thyroiditis that is managed, so no real care necessary, I’ve already exhausted the medical community and I have now in terms of healthcare for this condition what’s best out there at the moment, although it took tears to get it right).
]He went to the hospital, he survived, I visited in the evening at 9pm after work and he was looking better. I went and fed the cats after. I had my two jobs that day and it was at that point an 11 hour day, by the time I got to the cats it was 11pm. They were fine.
The next morning he checked himself out of the hospital against the doctor’s orders and went home. It’s I believe now 16 or so days of him sober. Last time he was sober he treated me with contempt and broke up with me, and this time was no different.
I had planned a short trip to Montauk for his birthday and he broke up with me with a long text in the morning of the day we were supposed to leave. I accepted the breakup, and should have just blocked him then and there, but I responded to the long breakup text instead, which then gave way to more and more texting and emailing and him regretting the decision, then us getting semi back together to him finally needing time away from me, etc.
He is finally in therapy and he insists we revisit our relationship in two weeks. This is the time I need to block him and get away from this madness. I hope I have the strength. Last time he broke up with me I had started to forget about him and then of course the minute I forgot, he emailed me. And I was right back at square one. I really hope I see it clearer this time. There is no way I can have a relationship I want for me with this man. I’m disappointed about my own codependency, but I think and hope I make a clean break and there is no revising anything in two weeks.
Post by annieb on Jun 13, 2022 16:39:59 GMT
For your reading pleasure, on the morning of the breakup two weeks ago, he texted we should go our separate ways since he has noticed several red flags in me that he cannot keep seeing me, I asked him to please share the red flags so I can learn:
This is what he wrote:
1) You are quick to dismiss my or an external bit of knowledge on health. Like you want to make sure I believe your version, not some others persons version. With that you make assumptions that are not yours to make, like the fact I was molested. It doesn't matter whether that is true or not, but you can't just assume that to be true and state it as a fact about me.
2) At the same time I feel you refuse to acknowledge some aspects of me I can't really help. Even when I take the time to remain calm. For example, when people make certain noises around me it is extremely aggrevating. This is a very common trait for people like me. But you still react as if I am just a dick trying to hurt you. It feels dismissive.
3) People make mistakes but Good intentions count. But when they make a mistake it doesn't change their motivation or intent. If I ask someone to paint my wall blue and they misunderstand and paint it red, they have made a mistake and should apolgize/fix it. But the intent was always to do the thing that was asked. I feel you do not want to subscribe to that viewpoint. Which makes us incompatible
4) But most importantly: if I have learned one single thing about relationships, even though I suck at them, is that giving your partner space when they ask for it, you do. I have pleaded with you during arguments or when I was overstimulated or both to give me space. I felt that only intensified your engagement with me.
You might or probably will disagree. It is my perception of the situation. If there are truths in it, I have no right to ask you where they stem from. And like I said before, I have plenty of red flags as well.
For what it is worth, I was and will always be rooting for you. And I am grateful for everything you have done for me.
Post by annieb on Jun 13, 2022 16:41:36 GMT
This is what I then answered (probably should have just shut up, buy I couldn’t help myself):
My answer : I agree with everything. I do. The health thing is that I was in pain and suffered for so many years that I developed a distrust in medical community. Whatever treatment I have now is good enough to function and go to work, and be generally useful in the world. If there is other treatment out there I will certainly consider it, and yes, I do believe I have Hashimoto’s even though my doctor said I did not have it. I find that curious since I had the thyroid antibodies but not enough to qualify for the diagnosis. I believe that at some point I had a lot of these antibodies, but that was not when I was tested. I was first tested for them at age 40. I believe that I had the Hashimoto’s my whole life and that my thyroid was intermittently destroyed by it and then eventually the antibodies decreased as the whole apparatus became less functional. And eventually it started reading and testing as hypothyroidism not specified, which is my diagnosis. By the time I got treatment the doctor did not believe I was under autoimmune attack. But I am, it just takes different forms and attacks different parts of the body at it’s will. So yes, I believe I would probably be helped by an immunologist. But as you know my time is so limited and the treatment I have is ok. I do not think I should take away time and resources from cancer patients though, but if there is a specialist that you think I can see I will go see them with my insurance if they are available and can see me.
Regarding your molestation, of course I don’t know what happened with you, and I’m sure you will uncover anything you need to uncover in therapy. None of it is any of my business. But when you accused me of sexually abusing you, that’s what clued me in. If it helps you, I take it all back and you were never molested and I was wrong. Wrong to say it and wrong to assume it.
Regarding giving you space, you had the knack for it to ask for it when diffusing an argument or when I was literally finally riled up. One would argue that perhaps if you’ve riled someone up and then ask for space it’s equally inconsiderate and controlling as the other person not giving the space. So I apologize and I hope in the future whoever you’re with for not respond that way.
Regarding your brain and noises, I really don’t know how to even begin to address that. I’ve no idea what would set you off and to try and figure it out would probably end in a mess anyway. Because anticipating it is as bad as trying to control it.
I disagree with you slightly with the intent thing. And I agree that perhaps that s where the incompatibility lies. Because what does it matter in the end that all you have is a red wall and an apology. But if you do subscribe to it then maybe assume good intent of others as well. Of me. I feel like ill intent was often projected unto me like saying things about me and other men I’m wearing the romper for or some other bullshit, implying I’m cheating or attacking my character. But I’m sure you will disagree.
Post by alexandra on Jun 13, 2022 18:41:44 GMT
I'm sorry it took going through all that to get to the conclusion, but it's the right conclusion and sometimes we need to go through the lesson several times to learn it. That's normal. I don't think it's bad you texted him back (although text isn't a good way to have those conversations) because you sorted your own thoughts. FWIW, I was going to point out the same thing about intent after reading your first post and before your second, and you got there already. In regards to his health, the men I've dated who were most unable to take care of their physical health were deeply FA, and this shouldn't really be surprising. If you've had that much trauma, there's a combination of terrible self-worth and never learning how to care for yourself by example, in addition to disconnection from the body. It sounds like he needs a lot of help from professionals, not you, as you recognize. It is best for you to block him, even if it feels unnatural. But as it also sounds like you know, the boundaries and power struggle will continue until someone stops the cycle by removing themselves from it.
Post by annieb on Jan 26, 2023 17:20:39 GMT
Haaaa, here is on update on the first guy in this thread. And the second guy, he continued to reach out and we continued to spend time together after the blocking and unblocking until he finally stopped. After ridiculous fights and rehabs he finally moved on.
In October last year I was physically assaulted at work by a drunk customer. And the security didn’t follow protocol and the head of security was fired. The first guy, whom I still work with I’m going to call him by his first initial M was a knight in shining armor to help me. And he followed up and made sure I was ok. This whole last year he has been very kind to me at least at work and it’s appreciated for the most part, but there have been times where he was also annoyed that I was on my phone. Who knows what he is going through, but we talk here and there definitely more than the year before when we were dating briefly and I was going through my own FA drama with him. We text niceties and Happy Thanksgivings and he has given me rides home. On my side we are just coworkers, but here is a sappy conversation we had one night with M 😅 for your reading pleasure 😃.
I was a bit lost one night at work and we were working together and both realized we lacked direction at this moment, he gave me a ride home and I said I was lost because I went through a breakup (a long drawn out one with the second guy from this thread), and M gave me a pep talk and I gave him a pep talk and we decided to make our personal dreams happen this year 😃
We then texted this (I’m about two glasses of Prosecco in this time, please forgive the flirtiness:) I was a little bored and lonely. It’s actually pretty cringe now that I read it back 😂
Me: Thank you for the ride and Thank you for supporting me. See this is what happens when you’re “friends” with women 😉
He had issues and I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted all the good parts.
By “Friends” I mean you
Him: I’m always gonna be here for you Annie. You have the greatest personality in the world! You worth ethnic is unmatched for when you’re into it, your focused and passionate. I see that in the kitchens, as well as the art. Though you may not feel like you’re a 10, you are! You as close to perfect that a man can ask for. I love you since that snow January night and will always care for you more than you know.
Me: Aww that’s sweet
You’re a darling
I think a lot of my self worth is derived from whether I was useful and did good work that day.
I don’t know what exactly happened on the January night. Or was it February? I didn’t want my heart broken. I thought you were in love with somebody else. That August I was going to take you to a jam session in Prospect Park by the boathouse. They had them i the dark.
I was going to pick you up in a limo and I had a dress on. It was going to be a surprise. But I think you had a girlfriend by then.
Or was it July?
Him: It’s was either the 31st or the first of February. I was trying this long distance relationship and it failed. No one’s fault it was just the distance and effort was too much to ask of each other.
Me: So it goes.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out with your girlfriend.
I was mortified when I realized you had one. Girl code is not one I break. Often anyway. Maybe once when I was 18:)
Him: Lol. It’s okay. You pick up and learn and it’s never any ill feelings it just didn’t work. But you wouldn’t have been over stepping the bounds, you would have had been well within the lines until you were trying to “do me”.
Me: I probably have the timelines confused.
When did I try to “do you”?
Him: I’m sorry I meant unless ****
Me: When did you date this lady?
Him: Let’s say… Dec 2021 til March 2022
Me: Oh ok
I thought you were repulsed by me in July 2021
I remember you didn’t want to send “mixed messages”.
Anyway, it’s all good. There is no ill will.
Him:Why would I? You did nothing wrong.
Me: Confused I was is all
You said I was demanding
I was going over everything I did or say
And I realized I didn’t demand shit 😃
Him: No you know what you wanted I was just scared of a work relationship so I ran away.
I saw how you gotten when you thought I mention our relationship to Mary
I didn’t like that look
How you felt at that moment
It was like I made you look like somethin you’re not
And I didn’t mention a word of us to anyone but Z.
Me: Aww Z
Him:I trust him
Me: I trust him too
Him: And he’s not the guy to run and tell the world
He’s a vault and friend I can trust
Me: He’s lovely
He’s the best
Him: But the hurt in your eyes it hurt me
I never ever
Want to put that feeling of hurt upon you
Me: I was surprised honestly by the whole thing. I thought in the moment a high octane relationship like that. No one would do it if they were not serious.
Him: You’re too deserving of greatness, happiness
Me: About us about me.
I thank you and you are too
Mary, I will never trust her. She a child, who needs help and protection, and she lashes out looking for it in destructive attention seeking ways. Some of the things she says is a felony these days.
I try to be kind to her when and if I can, but we all have so much energy to go around.
Him: You’re a wonderland Annie, and I’m sorry to have hurt you, if you’re still hurt or feel a way of our relationship. I respect you greatly, and appreciate you for always lending an ear, helping hand, you! You’re a far better human being than any woman I’ve met. And I never want to jeopardize or hurt you in anyway possible.
Anyone in our department has some issues
It’s a really weird dynamic
I had to grow to love her, and there’s some parts to her that I dislike more than her other notable traits.
Me: I was hurt, but it was also a challenge for me where my own self destructive self defeating ways were. Where I was rejecting me so to speak instead of you rejecting me. Where I filled in the blanks. I did grow from that.
Him: I’m sorry
Me: Don’t be sorry
Him: But I am because I care. You are far too good of a woman. And I got wrapped in to the loving great qualities of you, as well as others things.. and I didn’t give you want you wanted. I should have at least give it a shot, but I’m traumatized from failed work relationships.
And how it end, it felt like it. I felt terrible.
Me: I’m sorry
Him: You have no reason to be.
I learned to stop divulging in wants/pleasures without fully understanding and committing to a bond/relationship. Because it’s not fair and truly not work the heartache.
Me: It’s not. I agree.
We are too vulnerable. As human beings.
But here we are - architects of our own faith from this day forward we will always love with intention. And maybe who knows one days someone will love us just as we are.
I’m sorry you were hurt by previous work relationships.
I think when it comes to threatening our living in a way it really takes it up a notch, the stress of it.
I don’t blame you I was honestly surprised what exactly I myself were thinking
I think there is always that fantasy of The One for me, and I think the day I can declare that there is no one for me that I will be finally free.
Him: There is Annie. You’re too much of an asset, a partner, a spirit, a light that someone is going to give you and show you the world! Because you’re worth it! Every second, breath, smile etc. You’re amazing!
Me: Too sweet
I think with my overzealous mess of protecting my privacy with Mary
It was my shame
I was ashamed that I went for something that meant different things for both of us.
At my ripe age it was irresponsible
I was trying to save face
Him: I understand
Me: *yawns* JUST KIDDING, I didn’t send this last one. The convo ends with him.