End of engagement with DA

I'm sorry you're going through this, as I'm sure it's quite painful. But his reaction here is all you need to know about his mindset. His answer indicates he is not in a place of having a growth mindset and does not seek to change at this time (as he gave as his reason that the relationship isn't working for him). As such, he's telling you he's not interested in growing or changing, which means he will not. At least not unless he changes his own mind about it, but that will have nothing to do with you. People tend to change when staying the same is more painful than changing. I agree that his issues are much deeper, and he's avoiding them. But it doesn't matter, because they are still his issues to deal with or avoid and you can't influence that. If he finds it easier to avoid and stay stuck than unlock his disconnection to himself and others and face whatever happened to him before, that's what he'll do. You really don't know how difficult it would be for him to face it, even if it seems apparent to you that he's not actually happy. All you can do is depersonalize his half of this equation and look after yourself. It's a tough situation, but it's better to learn he's not a partner who can show up for you (or for himself!) prior to getting married than after.

alexandra thank you also for your reply and helpful insight. It is indeed very painful. Friends have said "why won't he work through this for you?" And I know that would be wrong. His internal healing simply cannot and should not be done for another person, it needs to be alone and for his own sole benefit. I wouldn't want to be the person to influence it or be in a relationship with someone who wasn't yet able to take the first step. In the past I would have desperately wanted this, but it isn't healthy.

Depersonalise that part of the situation sounds like very good advice. I've been in denial mode where I've focused on him and his thoughts/actions, but I'm slowly moving round to focusing on myself and my own healing.

It is tough. But as you say, better to learn now before marriage. I think if the pandemic hadn't happened then we may have muddled along, and marriage and a child would have happened. Then the stressors of that would have resulted in this ending, which would have been much worse with a child involved. But whose to say what would have happened.

I feel very sad. We are in the process of fully separating as I am moving out, he still messages me each day and shares pictures of our pets (I'm taking the cats and he is keeping the dog). I think he has set his boundaries that he is comfortable with, but I'm unsure what to do with my boundaries. When I move, I will set boundaries of not staying in contact. For me it would be too painful.

tnr9 That's very sad perhaps we are conditioned to think that asking to move out would mean a step back in the relationship, or his partner wouldn't have reacted well. I hope he is coming to terms with things and healing well now.

I think perhaps things moved too fast for us, and became too stressful to deal with on top of the pandemic too. We also had the kitchen renovated, and a lot of sleepless nights and stress from the dog - a lot harder than we expected which caused rows. And working from home together was too much, I need my alone time desperately and with his DA behaviours he absolutely needed it but both of us couldn't communicate those needs properly.

I don't know if my ex is FA or DA or a mixture of both. I guess it doesn't matter now in all honesty.

@introvert Hmm I suppose I meant I'd have liked us to grow closer together, in the sense that we could more vulnerable with each other and share a bit more. Not asking for in depth heavy conversations constantly, but occasionally to have that intimate vulnerability. He could show so much love and affection to the pets, but couldn't do the same to me.

I'm glad your effort has been mutual with your partner - it must be a challenge but ultimately worth it to become healthy.

Yes, I did feel very lonely. I would come home from seeing friends, and be met with silence and absolutely no interest from him, when it would have been nice to come home to warmth and intimacy. maybe not everytime, but sometimes at least. I'm not a clingy person, I love my own space and know he did too, I just wish we had communicated that with each other.

It must be an amazing and difficult journey, but do you feel it has been worth it? Do you think it's been harder going through it with your partner as opposed to the journey alone? (Asking out of interest, not with hope that it will apply to my situation!)

I've fallen into this trap. And a trap it is! But I actually went through the experience of attempting to reconcile and work through a while later to see how this line of thinking pans out. This was before I fully understood attachment theory, and I felt the same way about my avoidant ex. I felt he was still a little immature but this is a communication issue, that was partially my fault too for not communicating my needs effectively, and if we could fix our communication issues we'd have a chance. I worked on myself and my communication for months while fully no contact. We reconnected almost a year later and started with friendship then soon we were slowly working to rebuild things romantically, and we communicated better. Or at least, I communicated better and really listened to him when he spoke. To his credit, he was trying and more open about speaking when we were having conversations and he was not triggered, but it was still like pulling teeth requiring a lot of patience. Anyway, my point is, I changed and he didn't and we crashed and burned in exactly the same way again because communication was only part of the issue. Our mutual attachment issues were the core problem, and when I fixed mine over a long period of time, it wasn't enough. You cannot carry an entire relationship on your own shoulders when two people are involved. And if both aren't changing at the same time and committed to doing so, you can't figure things out. You have different needs, different ways of thinking, lots of all the most important aspects don't mesh. Thinking about it the way you are right now is focusing on imagined potential and not what's really in front of you.

Not calling out the anxious pattern to be harsh, I know it's painful. It's because I wasted a lot of my own time on believing what you believe right now. I came out of it in a better place in regards to doing hard work to earn secure but I still don't wish on people to waste so much of their own time.