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Post by tnr9 on Feb 23, 2022 4:22:59 GMT
I can't remember now if I mentioned it here. the guy I'm talking to offered to drive up to me once the weather got nicer. I felt a growing attachment. It took me a day to write him back, but when I did it was longer. Not excessive, just a thoughtful response. I shared a sense of longing for the time I lived in maine when I could read long novels. He wrote back thanks for your thougthful response and we can talk for an hour about each thing you wrote - then he sent a couple quick replies. But they were "dad-like" like "Well, this just isn't the right time for that." Or "nows the time for this." And whatever. I was just expressing something. He could have just heard me. No biggeie. Then he said he had to go to meetings. But the energy I got from it was a kind of "closing down" feeling rather than more of that momentum we'd been picking up - It sucked. I wrote him commenting on something - nice - a nice comment. And said "have a good weekend." I haven't heard back - that was Thursday or Friday last week. It's felt like forever since he was writing me a couple times a day and we'd talked. And he was talking about driving up. He's liked my FB posts. But no email. I can't believe it's only been a week since we talked but has felt like an eternity. So while I'm sure I can write him again and say something. I'm just observing. I'm also trying to stay in my "female" energy and not pursue. Kind of just receive. That's all for now. Yep…be wary of reading into things when you don’t have enough information. Honestly, I dislike texting and emails because tone gets lost and all you have is how it sounds in your head and there can be dual personal motives of looking for signs of hope while also looking for signs of danger. Brene brown has an awesome tool….when she reads into something…she will say…”the story in my head is…”. It has really helped her and her husband avoid reacting out of misassumptions.
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Post by seeking on Feb 23, 2022 11:32:32 GMT
Thanks, Alexandra - that is good advice.
I am trying not to assume the worst, it's just weird that when I wrote this it felt like so much longer. But yes, by tomorrow/Friday it will have been a week.
And, yes, a long weekend; however, I'm pretty sure he didn't go away. I don't always hear from him on weekends (I think he goes offline or something) but it's Wednesday and he's been liking my posts on FB. They aren't personal (more political, etc). But that's weird to me.
And, yeah, as far as my email he reflected back my thoughts - it was not a bad email. He just wrote "That was the right time for that." meaning when I used to read novels. And he said something about me raising my daughter, which was actually quite nice. It just felt al little like the classic male female - I just want to be heard and you're trying to fix something.
But nothing deal-breaker or red flag. He's really a lovely human. I just wish he'd write, lol!
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Post by seeking on Feb 23, 2022 11:39:40 GMT
Yep…be wary of reading into things when you don’t have enough information. Honestly, I dislike texting and emails because tone gets lost and all you have is how it sounds in your head and there can be dual personal motives of looking for signs of hope while also looking for signs of danger. Brene brown has an awesome tool….when she reads into something…she will say…”the story in my head is…”. It has really helped her and her husband avoid reacting out of misassumptions. Yeah, I can definitely have a story in my head. I'm simultaneously aware of it and reacting and also holding a neutral ground. I definitely also have a trigger around feeling silenced by men - my father, a couple years ago a couple of attorneys. Now more situations like that. Or a history of men wanting me for sex, or because I was attractive, but not like an intellectual/communicative thing (I often allowed that due to insecurity). This person is not like that AT ALL - but I didn't feel entirely met with my longer email. And then nothing. And just likes on FB - rather than a continued flow of conversation as there had been. So just paying attention to all things.
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Post by seeking on Feb 23, 2022 15:27:43 GMT
As if he heard me, he wrote. But it was about my FB posts and how he was enjoying them and then shared some more political news of his own. Nothing personal.
So I think, reflecting back now, that's what I felt in that previous email - like he was gently, politely albeit, shutting down the more intimate/personal talk. And now it's political. So I will keep mirroring and see where it goes.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 23, 2022 15:40:34 GMT
Yep…be wary of reading into things when you don’t have enough information. Honestly, I dislike texting and emails because tone gets lost and all you have is how it sounds in your head and there can be dual personal motives of looking for signs of hope while also looking for signs of danger. Brene brown has an awesome tool….when she reads into something…she will say…”the story in my head is…”. It has really helped her and her husband avoid reacting out of misassumptions. Yeah, I can definitely have a story in my head. I'm simultaneously aware of it and reacting and also holding a neutral ground. I definitely also have a trigger around feeling silenced by men - my father, a couple years ago a couple of attorneys. Now more situations like that. Or a history of men wanting me for sex, or because I was attractive, but not like an intellectual/communicative thing (I often allowed that due to insecurity). This person is not like that AT ALL - but I didn't feel entirely met with my longer email. And then nothing. And just likes on FB - rather than a continued flow of conversation as there had been. So just paying attention to all things. Sometimes it is just a difference between men and women. Men are more headline news, women are more articles….that isn’t across the board but I learned that in order to write better emails to my manager, I needed to write shorter, more concise emails. I find that if I want to be heard…I am better off scheduling a one on one meeting where I can speak and he can listen and respond. I would encourage you to try that approach. 🙂
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Post by alexandra on Feb 23, 2022 17:35:28 GMT
This may also be an issue of you two communicate differently in writing (regardless of gender). It may be hard to gauge how deep he is or wants to go if you haven't met in person yet?
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Post by seeking on Feb 23, 2022 19:28:27 GMT
Got it. Good point. He can talk and is very engaging. His emails have included pics, links to songs, etc. So it wasn't really out of the ordinary. And maybe I'm just imagining it. I just sent him an email now to thank him for the links and let him know my mom is visiting and "more soon" just kind of a quick hello/acknowledgment.
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Post by seeking on Feb 23, 2022 19:29:55 GMT
Alexandra - yes, for sure. I have no idea right now. But judging by some of his emails and his interest in driving all the way to me, I gather there is some interesting. But yeah, I'm not sure what he's even looking for. I was okay with all that, but the sudden drop in communication just had me feeling a bit thrown off. It's probably good for me to take a step back.
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Post by seeking on Feb 27, 2022 16:55:07 GMT
Just an update. I feel like my whole world is changing in big ways. Like I'm stepping into myself - not the "old self" but a new one (that I've always wanted) a solid, stable one (I hope).
I feel like I project a sense of being a "mess" sometimes, but I'm tapping into this part of me that is not a mess. Is actually very much together.
So I rode it out with the guy. I backed way off, responded briefly and simply (no energy of anything just neutral) and he shared details about his week - I shared a few about mine. And today he wrote back with photos from his walk, details, etc, and asked when we can talk again. Which was really nice, since I like and looked forward to talking to him.
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Post by cherrycola on Feb 27, 2022 21:21:03 GMT
Just an update. I feel like my whole world is changing in big ways. Like I'm stepping into myself - not the "old self" but a new one (that I've always wanted) a solid, stable one (I hope). I feel like I project a sense of being a "mess" sometimes, but I'm tapping into this part of me that is not a mess. Is actually very much together. So I rode it out with the guy. I backed way off, responded briefly and simply (no energy of anything just neutral) and he shared details about his week - I shared a few about mine. And today he wrote back with photos from his walk, details, etc, and asked when we can talk again. Which was really nice, since I like and looked forward to talking to him. Thanks for the update. I was going to ask how things were going with him. Keep in mind that backing off and coming off neutral can actually be your attachment talking. But glad that you are observing and trying to respond accordingly.
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Post by seeking on Feb 27, 2022 23:26:22 GMT
Thanks for the update. I was going to ask how things were going with him. Keep in mind that backing off and coming off neutral can actually be your attachment talking. But glad that you are observing and trying to respond accordingly. Can you say more? I was backing off because of his signaling and I wasn't sure what to make it mean, so I just gave some space. I didn't shut down, or react - though I felt the shift. I guess I was trying to be on the more secure end.
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Post by cherrycola on Mar 1, 2022 2:21:54 GMT
Thanks for the update. I was going to ask how things were going with him. Keep in mind that backing off and coming off neutral can actually be your attachment talking. But glad that you are observing and trying to respond accordingly. Can you say more? I was backing off because of his signaling and I wasn't sure what to make it mean, so I just gave some space. I didn't shut down, or react - though I felt the shift. I guess I was trying to be on the more secure end. It was the backing off because you didn't know what to make of it. When I am feeling insecure I back off to kinda take back my power, I go into "observe" mode to try to figure out the other person. Watch them for their next move before making mine. While secures do match energy, I don't think they are as sensitive or observant to shifts as us insecures are. We are always scanning, trying to prevent that rejection. There is nothing wrong with this in moderation, I don't think most people are even going to notice when we do it. If most of the exchanges are email even safer, because most people are going to assume you have a busy life to lead.
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Post by alexandra on Mar 1, 2022 4:07:46 GMT
Having been insecure and secure, I'm still very sensitive to shifts. But in regards to matching energy, I now always come from an assumption of, "whatever is going on with them probably isn't about me" and then go about my business without worrying too much about it. As opposed to what I used to do, which was assuming everything someone did was in response to something about me, then lean back to observe and try to match very deliberately. Even if matching wasn't what I wanted to do at all if I were being true to myself... but the idea of not scaring them off was more important than anything else. That wasn't how I read what seeking was doing here, it was more about re-regulating herself first rather than taking actions specifically to influence the other person to achieve a goal.
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Post by cherrycola on Mar 1, 2022 6:55:17 GMT
Having been insecure and secure, I'm still very sensitive to shifts. But in regards to matching energy, I now always come from an assumption of, "whatever is going on with them probably isn't about me" and then go about my business without worrying too much about it. As opposed to what I used to do, which was assuming everything someone did was in response to something about me, then lean back to observe and try to match very deliberately. Even if matching wasn't what I wanted to do at all if I were being true to myself... but the idea of not scaring them off was more important than anything else. That wasn't how I read what seeking was doing here, it was more about re-regulating herself first rather than taking actions specifically to influence the other person to achieve a goal. Interesting, yeah I can see how you would come to that conclusion. I think her self-awareness is the important part here. She acknowledged her feelings, and made a choice from a regulated place.
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Post by seeking on Mar 1, 2022 14:31:06 GMT
It was the backing off because you didn't know what to make of it. When I am feeling insecure I back off to kinda take back my power, I go into "observe" mode to try to figure out the other person. Watch them for their next move before making mine. While secures do match energy, I don't think they are as sensitive or observant to shifts as us insecures are. We are always scanning, trying to prevent that rejection. There is nothing wrong with this in moderation, I don't think most people are even going to notice when we do it. If most of the exchanges are email even safer, because most people are going to assume you have a busy life to lead. Wow, this is such a good catch. I had no idea. So thank you for pointing that out and giving me this perspective - it feels like another huge learning shift. So a secure wouldn't notice if someone responded in a way that felt like it was not engaging the conversation - like what had been happening - and then didn't write for a week? And if they do - I assume they self-regulate? At this stage - at this stage, I can't call him on anything. We aren't anything - just correspondents, people getting to slowly know each other. I would say right now - even though he made a come back, invited me to talk again, it feels normal, there is a *part* of me (that I - hopefully in a place of being secure) can observe - that is more cautious and withdrawn now.
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