How to unfreeze during sex if you want to change something during sex:
Pratise sentences you can use during sex and rehearse:
Can we pause for a moment ? (tell your partner before sex "when I ask for a pause, I dont want you to stop") (yes, full yes, slow down, full stop) How are we doing ? Im noticing Im spaced out Im starting to get bored
You are not letting down your partner, when you are asking for a pause. Theres a change that you can connect better afterwards.
You can both stand up and shake, dance it out if you are starting to come out of freeze and go into fight/flight ....
When you start to talk togehter with your partner, you will get to know eachother better instead of just assuming what the other person is supposed to like.
We are in conflict with our body, when we as women say:
I should: - get better orgasms, - get turned on faster, - feel more lust, - be sexier.
Our head wants one thing, but our body wants something else.
Should is a critique of yourself.
Instead try to embrace, what your body gives you. What are you telling yourself?
Get to know yourself and learn to recognize, what your body needs: E.g. - my body needs time to get aroused - it's okay that I need time to get turned on and it's important for me to give / get enough time. - its okay that I need to feel safe and comftable with my partner - its okay that I need gentle touch - its okay that I need to keep my feet warm, to be able to orgasm - ect.
Have mindful sex and be in the precent moment.
You become a better lover. You get less angry at your body and you enjoy more.
Once you know your body, you can work better with it and have the sex that you long for, when you know how to turn it on.
- When you have looked at yourself in a mirror and when you have touched and tasted yourself, you will know yourself better. Look yourself in the mirror, then play with yourself, and then look yourelf in the mirror agin when you are aroused and notise the difference.
Good sex breeds good sex. Only good sex makes you want more good sex and if you are willing to have sex.. Bad sex does the opposite. Every time you have sex without feeling like it, without having your body with you, you get less desire for sex as a woman.
Pain during intercourse: If you have an expectation that it will happen, then you will tense up and get into a bad loop. Here you have to adjust continuously, go slowly, use lube(A lubricant without parabens). You have to go slower, than you think you have to. Remember sex is other things, than just penetration. Caress each other, touch each other instead. When you go slow, you can get more intimacy. The good sex experiences should overshadow the bad sex experiences. Do everything you can to avoid it becoming uncomfortable. As a teenager, you often have energy sex together before being penetrated for the first time. Try to get in contact with this memory.
Your cycle: You taste different depending on where you are in your menstrual cycle. The consistency changes And the look changes through your cycle Your diet also affects how you taste.
How do I ask for what I want:
Outside sex, where you are outside the bedroom: - I would like you to spend more time penetrating me, I would like more sensitve touch, .....
When we are in the sexual act: You feel how a touch feels on my body - use small short sentences: - "harder thanks, a little gentler thanks, a little to the left thanks, slower thanks..." Every time you have sex, decide to ask for something. Ask for something simple.
Men chasing orgasm: Men can have an eagerness, when they are having sex. This can seem overwhelming to some women. 'Imagine sitting on a wild horse and imagine that you are pulling the reins by saying: "A little slower thank you. I'm sensitive, and I like it slower"
If we as women compromise too often, if we have got a different sexuality, we will become dissatisfied. It's like always being invited out to eat sushi, when you'd rather have a steak.
It is not men who give us the orgasm. (even if a lot of men - and women thinks so) but It's just a premise in the culture that we live in.
1) Coriosity: If we forget to be curious about ourselves or our partner, sex becomes predictable and boring. This often happens in longer term relationships. If I take the same roller coaster ride over and over again, it gets boring and predictable. Every day is a new day. What you liked yesterday is not the same as today. Be curious. Sex is not static but a process of where you are right now in the precent moment. The more you cling to what once was, the less exploratory and curious you are. This may be particularly relevant as one approaches menopause. In a relationship, you can surprise each other. One must be willing to venture into something new - even if it turns out, that it does not work.
2) Willingness: The most important thing we need and do not want. We can open our desires through our willingness. I know that desire can come slowly when I say yes to my partner, when I say yes to myself. I choose an erotic life, because it makes me happy. With mysself or with a partner. It's like having a yoga practice. Even if you do not feel like it, you know it will do you good afterwards, so you go to the yoga studio.
The 3 picnics:
1) Your boyfriend asks you if you want to go for a walk in the woods? You feel your YES and you go for a walk in the woods. You feel good afterwards. 2) Your boyfriend asks after a couple of weeks, if you want to go for a walk in the forest again. You do not have time, but you remember how it was the last time, that you went for a walk and how you felt afterwards. So you say yes. Here you use your willingness. 3) Your boyfriend asks if you want to go for a walk in the woods, but you are really tired and exhausted. You have a lot of things to do and you know, that you will regret it later if you say yes. Here you should not say YES, but say thank you darling, but not today. I really appreciate you wanting me. I suggest we go on a picnic later this week. If you are having sex anyway, you are going to lie down and look up at the ceiling and wait for your boyfriend to finish. You will only ruin the sex for yourself and your partner. Feel if you can open up or if it should be another day instead....
3) Priority: Scheduled sex makes you want more sex Here we CHOOSE! We can write it in our calendar. Most of the things we get done are what we write in our calendar. When I plan sex, I can spend time enjoying myself. How do you prepare youself for sex: - By shaving legs - Do the dishes - Find some sexy lingerie to put on ect. You can write in your calendar that you want to take the initiative for sex on Monday without your partner knowing. Remember good experiences give more good experiences.
How curious are you? Do you have sex, necause you HAVE to or are you still curious - On yourself and your partner ? Do you know how to open up your willingness? How good are you at prioritizing yourself? How good are you at prioritizing your partner?
Some women get better orgasms alone and others get better orgasms with their partner: - When you are alone, there are no other disturbances, you do not have to take into account the other person, you can better concentrate on yourself. - If you can do better, when you are with someone else, you need another person to be able to get turned on. E.g.; If you go for a walk with a friend, you are more aware of what your friend is saying, than what is happening around you. When you go for a walk alone, you are more aware of what is happening around you.
What do you do when your boyfriend gets stressed, when you ask him to correct, what he is doing? Answer: - he may not be stressed, but he may be afraid of losing the erection, if he slows down - also some men are very sensitive to feedback, and feel criticized - be curious and ask about what is happening in your partner. Explain that you are not criticizing your partner, but you are only expressing what you feel, that you need., to be able to feel good when having sex. Hear what your partner will suggest These talks are necessary in a relationship, otherwise we will just repeat the same thing over and over again. - What if my partner does not want to do, what I ask him to do? Terry Real: "we have to find out if what I get in a relationship can outweigh the grief over what I do not get. How important is my need to me?" - Another tip when I have to talk to my partner about sex, so that he dosent feel criticised: Remember to have the conversation outside of the bedroom. Say: I have something important I would like to talk to you about. I will ask you to listen to what I say without interrupting. I say this, because I want us to develop our sexlife together. If you are getting triggered by what I am saying, please raise your hand, and I will pause and I will try to explain it in another way instead. Its called preframing.
What do you do with your own sexuality alone? - you can contact a female sexologist who can help you and give you inspiration. An orgasm training course for females ?.
Shame: - Shame can be about about inadequacy? Shame can be dissolved by doing something we do not think we can do. - Shame can be about that a sex is dirty, disgusting, good girls do not do xxx. Look at your beliefs and where they come from - Body Shame: Self-esteem - what does my inner voice tell me, what I am?
We all have a sexual comfort zone: - green (yes) - yellow (maybe) - red (no)
Sexuality develops in the yellow zone. Do NOT agree to have sex in the red zone!
What is your attitude towards porn as a sexologist: - I think people can see what ever they want. It is more important to know what porn and fantasies do. - porn and fantasy can be a speeder - that is, an access to get in touch with the lust in our body - it can be a way to hold on to our thoughts in the sexual. - however, there is also some intimacy that can get lost, because the imagination and porn are in focus and not the intimacy.
When I have sex, I fantasize about another man than my own: - it's completely normal - we can learn to take the imagination out of the sexual.
Menopause: - it affects women differently. - you can ask for hormones from your doctor - you can use jade eggs which massage our vagina, so our vaginal wall becomes thicker and we produce more secretion. - Book: behind the red door, by Tanja Eskildsen
What do I do when I lose the feeling during sex: - what kind of feeling is lost - how does it feel - it is normal to lose the feeling during sex once in a while - it feels like waves in the ocean when we are having sex - like a surfer lying on his surfboard in the ocean waiting for the next wave to come. He knows a wave is coming. But he does not know if it is a small wave or a larger wave that is coming or there is a huge wave coming. The trick is to enjoy the breaks/the pauses. Most people would like to be in higharousel when having sex. The breaks/the pauses are just another frequency. It gives us different sensations, than if we are on top of the wave. You can learn to surf the wave with a sexologist or at a yoni workshop. The trick is to embrace all types of waves.
Another tip when I have to talk to my partner about sex, so that he dosent feel criticised: Remember to have the conversation outside of the bedroom. Say: I have something important I would like to talk to you about. I will ask you to listen to what I say without interrupting. I say this, because I want us to develop our sexlife together. If you are getting triggered by what I am saying, please raise your hand, and I will pause and I will try to explain it in another way instead. Its called preframing.
Can men learn to ride the wave? Yes, they can. The more we have been riding the wave, the better orgasms we will get in the end. Everyone can learn to ride the wave. It is about being present in what is happening in the precent moment.
A female sexoligist, couples councelor, yoni and orgasm workshop leader specialised in feminine sexuality
How do we feel about our sexuality - we have an awareness about our sexuality. - we sense and become aware of how we are feeling right now in the precent moment. You can also do this with your gender/your sex..
Ways to get in touch with your gender/your sex: - mastrubate - sex - via visualizations where we breathe in through the heart and send energy down to our sex - meditate on your gender while holding your gender with your hands - meditate on your desire - write how you can become good friends with your gender - prioritize enjoyable things
Something we choose to do, something that is enjoyable/which is giving us pleasure: - self-massage - massage - mindfull eating ect.
If we have too many chores we lose our ability to feel pleasure in our daily life
Jade egg practice: Feminine practice from China. It must be learned. There are many rituals around the use of a jade egg. Jade eggs are yoga for your gender/ your sex. The more often you pratice, the better you will become. You can walk around with the egg Your consciousness begins to go down to your gender. You learn to listen to your body. You learn to invite something in and open your body up. Increased attention to your vagina. You feel more when you have sex. Strengthen and feel your muscles.
Choose the way you want to have contact - yoni workshop - making love with yourself - say good morning and good night to your sex - visualize - put it in the calendar so you get it done - use post it notes - write it on a mirror - use a girlfriend as a boddy
Book: The four tendencies by Gretchen Rubin
Remember that YOU are important. Be your own best lover. Be with yourself, touch yourself, talk nicely to yourself, what can you do right now, give yourself space in your everyday life YOU ARE IMPORTANT
Reflection: How is your relationship with your sexuality What will it give you to have a better contact with yourself. What should you do What do you have to change How to get it done on a daily basis
Two bodies that passionately melt together, the deep breathing, the horniness that rushes through the body while slowly surrendering to the orgasm and then roll over to each side and smile passionately to each other.
Then comes the question: Was it good?
But why do we ask each other about this?
If the horniness was top notch and we have been aware of each other in the sexual, then there should be no doubt that it was nice.
The question, 'Was it good' is a closed question.
We can either answer yes or no.
Most people will probably lie and say yes, even if it wasent the best sex
So the question is actually pretty uninteresting.
We do not get an answer we can use for anything. When we ask that way, it is often because we seek some form of affirmation in our abilities as lovers.
A pat on the back that we have done a good job. More than of interest in how it really was for our partner.
If, on the other hand, we are really interested in what it was like for our partner, we must ask in a different way.
E.g: 1) What was especially good today? 2) What did I do that you really enjoyed? 3) Was there anything you would like to get more of? 4) Was there anything you missed? 5) Was there anything I could have done differently?
It takes courage to ask open-ended questions because it is not certain that you will only receive praise.
Maybe you also get honest feedback from your partner about what he / she wants or dreams about. Open-ended questions and honest answers help to create more intimacy and vulnerability.
They provide opportunities to expand our sexual lives, make us better lovers and have better sex.
So instead of asking 'Was it good?' you can try to agree with your partner that you both ask each other open questions every time you have had sex for the next three weeks.
You take turns answering so you are both allowed to answer the same questions.
Choose 3 questions.
First one about something that was good, then one about something you could imagine was different, again one about something that was good.
For example: 1) What was exciting for you today? 2) Was there anything you would like to have more of? 3) What are you grateful for about your partner?
It is important that you just listen to your partner's answers, without answering or explaining anything.
It's your partner's experience. Listen and say thank you for the feedback, and rejoice that you just learned something new about your partner. Be brave the next time you make love with your partner.
Be vulnerable and ask open-ended questions. Then you will learn something new and thereby become a better lover.
A female sexologist, couples counselor, attatchment coach
Do you miss more touch on your breasts, before, during and after sex? Or do you think… it is unnecessary, my breasts are not sensitive ?
I have met a lot of women in my work as a sexologist who have said:
- my breasts are not sensitive. - I have no relationship with my breasts. - I do not care about my breasts. - I do not need touch on my breasts.
The reason we have no feeling in our breasts is simply, that we have forgotten about them. We have no connection or contact with them. We do not touch them or think about them. They are tucked away in a bra and forgotten. There can be many reasons for this:
- We are ashamed of how they look. They are either too big, too small, too heavy or something completely different. - The lovers we have had have never learned to caress a woman's breast. They have used them as two buttons - They have been touched and squesied too hard. And instead of guiding our partner, we push him away and say: I still feel nothing. - We are a scared of our own lust, the sensations we feel when our breasts are caressed, we get a little startled and hurry to shut down and remove the stimulation.
The good news is: I have not met a single woman who has not got the feeling back in her breasts after she started looking at them differently, doing breast massage and making a loving connection to them. We owe it to ourselves to take care of our breasts ourselves. Our breasts are a part of us. We get pleasure and enjoyment from having a loving relationship with them. And the more we take them to heart, the more orgasmic they become. Yes - we can have breast orgasms. The best way to have a loving relationship with your breasts is through breast massage.
Breast massage (given by a partner) Drive her to extraordinary pleasure and light her up from head to toe with this 12-step breast massage. youtu.be/AQeygqvJZXU
Breast massage given by yourself as a woman: (it's healthy): The ultimate breast care massage technique to incorporate into your self-care routine today. IT helps you to open your heart, increases your level of oxytocin, and can give you bigger breasts among other things.... m.youtube.com/watch?v=hSQKujQ_r5g
Men who miss being desired by their partner cant always understand when their partner is not in the moode after a long day being in masculine mode at work and in caretaking mode with the children.
When a man feels amired and desired by his woman, It makes him feel masculine.
But desire cannot exist under pressure. Desire is affected by how we feel. Especially for women.
We live in a masculine driven society.
Women perform at work and in relation to children and school, they are oten the one who plans birthdays, family gartherings ect. - they often carrie the practical and the mental load in the family.
If you have children and the children have been put to sleep by the woman, she can be drained and exausted. So when the man wants attention from her and wants sex with her, she can get annoyed. She is tired of giving, and having children close to her. She dosent have more enegy left. She can get annoyed at the man and see him as demanding.
For women, being able to give in, to feel connected to their partner, she has to get into recieving mode ....(feminine mode)
Men needs to learn to gain an insight into what a woman needs. Ask if there is something you can do for her. Accept that she is exausted.
Have you ever wondered how it affects your sex drive?
If you’re stressed for extended periods of time, chances are your sex life will begin to suffer, which only adds to your to already high stress levels. Your mind is no longer focused on the things you need to get done, but instead on questions such as:
Where has my sex drive gone?
Why does it take me longer to get in the mood?
Why do I lose my focus?
Why am I having difficulties having an orgasm?
Myths do more harm than good Let’s be honest, people tend to keep stress to themselves. And the thing is, if you manage to muster up the courage to talk to someone about what you’re experiencing, you may find that their response only increases your anxiety about your frustrating sex life.
I’ve heard many myths about stress and sex over the years working with more than 1,000 individuals in my private practice. Here are three of the most common ones.
If stress affects your romantic feelings for your partner, you may as well get divorced. Once your sex drive disappears, it doesn’t come back If your partner doesn’t desire you because they’re stressed, this means they don’t love you anymore. These myths are devastating, because as soon as you convince yourself that “the damage is done,” then what’s really left but to throw in the towel? Give up? Admit defeat? You end up either surrendering to a passive attitude, where you don’t look for help, or worse, you file for divorce.
This is why it’s extremely important to seek proper guidance and learn how stress affects your sex drive. Familiarising yourself with the ins and outs makes it easier for you to navigate through these problems as a couple. One thing is absolutely certain: the stressed partner is not the only one who suffers.
Why stress affects your sex drive If partners can’t manage stress as a team, the relationship suffers. Here are three ways stress affects your sex drive.
The two nervous systems Human beings have two nervous systems. The sympathetic nervous system is the accelerator and the parasympathetic nervous system is the brake. We use the accelerator when we experience difficulties and challenges in life.
Whenever this happens, our stress response (the accelerator) is released in our bodies. This happens physically: your heart rate increases, your palms get sweaty, you experience inner discomfort. All of these things are really just your body providing you with a shot of energy to either fight the problems or to run away from them.
As soon as the challenge has been dealt with, and the danger has passed, the accelerator will be relieved by the brake. Ah, another challenge has been solved. Now you can relax.
When we experience stress over a long period of time, it may actually feel as though our accelerator has gotten stuck. Our body is working overtime, all the time, and we never actually allow our brakes to kick in.
Our sexuality goes hand in hand with our brakes. Naturally, and biologically speaking, it does not make sense for us to enjoy an erotic touch or to lie around kissing our partner if our stress pedal is hitting the metal. Stress and sex drive do not mix. You simply cannot have a head full of 120 worries while also having great sex.
Your hormones change When the accelerator has been in overdrive for a long period of time, you body will actually begin to produce more cortisol – this is known as “the stress hormone.” The building blocks used in this process are the very same building blocks used to produce the male sex hormone testosterone. Therefore, for most people with long-lasting stress symptoms, their testosterone production is reduced.
According to Norwegian doctor, psychiatrist, and clinical sexologist Haakon Aars, testosterone is the sex hormone with the greatest significance to sex drive in both men and women. This means that your sex drive decreases due to completely logical physiological reasons.
Closeness is replaced by absence Your sexuality is not only affected by hormones, but also by social, relational, and psychological factors. When the stress hormones kick in, closeness is replaced by absence. It is nearly impossible to be present – to listen and to be interested in the people around you – if you’re feeling stressed out. It’s hard to deal with anyone but yourself.
The stress hormones pumping through your body are encouraging you to either fight or flight. This can even lead to you being aggressive towards your partner. You might start to snap at them or yell at them. The people you normally love having around you can suddenly feel like a source of irritation because they demand time with you.
All of this doesn’t leave much room for closeness with your partner, and slowly but surely, the intimacy starts to fall away. As days turn to weeks, what you’re usually depositing into your Emotional Bank Account, as Dr. John Gottman calls it, becomes less and less.
When your presence and your intimacy fade away, and your aggression and irritation skyrockets, it’s only natural for insecurities to increase. In most cases, this equals a considerably lowered lust for intimacy and sexual contact.
What can you do? When your sexuality is giving you a hard time, you need to address the underlying problem. Here is what I recommend that you do.
Talk to your partner about stress
Anyone can experience stress and there’s absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of. We’re all at risk of experiencing stress. Have a daily stress reducing conversation.
Decide to handle this as a team The more of a team you are, fighting this stress together, the better. It will not only increase your sense of unity but also show you that this is something you were are able to get through together.
Accept that your sex drive will fluctuate Your sex drive will be low sometimes and that’s okay. Accept that it might take a little while to get back into the swing of things. This is perfectly normal and if you can accept this, you can still have a lovely sex life during this time too. What you need to remember though is that it’ll take longer for your body to feel aroused, and you will need to focus on allowing the ‘brake nervous system’ to kick in.
Focus on activating your brake The more you can do this, the more you’re actually fighting the stress itself. This is where cuddles and kisses, hugs, and other loving touch can help. It simply forces the body to go from stress to relaxation, if you allow this. Kiss your stressed out partner a little bit more and hug them for 20 seconds longer. You could even offer them a nice 30 minute massage etc.