Women, sexuality, lovemaking, erotic blueprint

Me .and my boyfriend just had sex and then he moves away and I just want to cuddle. What is going on ?

When men are having sex their testoron level drops and they get more estrogen.
He moves away in order to build up his testoron again
Men with a lot of tetostorone will not get bonded as fast by having sex.

On the other hand most women produce oxytocin (the bonding hormone) when having sex and thats why they often wants to cuddle, spoon and maybe talk after having sex

After menopause, women will be less affected by oxytocin

Too many people - both women and men - give away their power sexually, by having to use something from the outside to be able to activate and get in touch with their lust, horniness and arousal.

We need either porn, vibrators or each other to achieve total satisfaction.
We tell ourselves…: "You have to turn me on. You do not turn me on. This does not turn me on. This turns me on."

When you take your sexual power back to yourself, you turn yourself on.

I see this time and time again in clients, who can not make love to themselves because they are bored or they feel it is strange. Or singles who say "I have no partner", as if that is a criteria for a good sex life.

In the relationship, it can show as if we are entitled to be satisfied by each other and when that does not happen, we walk around feeling angry or feeling rejected. But that does not have to be the case. We do not lack anything, we are perfect as we are.

You can become your own best lover.

To love oneself is the foundation of all sexuality. It's one of the best ways to love yourself.

Not the fast masturbation that chases an orgasm. Both men and women can tend to chase the orgasm, men often through the use of porn, where they completely forget to feel their own body and penis and women's use of vibrators that gives them the expectation, that the orgasm should come within two minutes . Masturbation turns into a quick ejaculation, something that should not take too long and this will reflect our sex life.

There's nothing wrong with either porn or vibrators, but it's the way we use it, that's the problem. We need to want the conscious masturbation, the one that increases our sexual energy and where the whole body is at play.

Conscious lovemaking with ourselves is where we give ourselves time to caress our whole body, use our breathing, feel and be present in the now. We allow our horniness to take over and celebrate our lust and sexuality.

I often get the question, what is the best way to masturbate?

There is no right way to mastubate. We are all different and we have our own preferences. Some like it hard and fast others like it soft and sensual.

Who are you as a sexual human being. What are you longing for and can you give it to yourself ?

A sexologist/couples therapist

.Some) women are often surprised to learn that men love it when women initiate sex.
Many women are surprised to hear this because they have been turned down so many times. Or at least they think that's what happend. In speakning to their partners we found out that the men dident even know that they have been invited for sex. Why ?
Because how she invited him, dident register. He never even knew she was indicating a desire for sex.

One of the most important things to work out in a relationship is your "signal".
How do you indicate a desire for sex ? Does your partner know that's what that means ?
If you've ever felt like it was ignored there's a good change he or she dident know what it was.
The question to to ask each other is: “what's a good way to let you know that I'd like to have sex ?"
Once you know each others signals - wether it's high heels, a balloon tied to the bed or a direct statement like "I want you bad" - there's a much better change you'll connect

Menopause and sex

One of the most common symptoms of menopause is decreased sex drive.
Up to 80% of all women experience it to a greater or lesser degree - and there are probably many. But should one just accept that this is how it is to grow older or is it a myth that this is just the way it is? The answer to the two questions is no and yes. No we should not accept that this is the way it is and yes it is a myth. But why are so many people experiencing it?
It is a common belief that decreased sex drive can occur when the hormones begin to decline. Here we are talking mainly estrogen and testosterone but also neurotransmitters such as dopamine. These drugs all have something to do with sex drive. But the declining hormones we can in principle live with. Not all women notice discomfort from the falling hormones and over time the body usually gets used to the amount of hormones being reduced But what the body can not handle is stress from several fronts. Menopause is stressful for the body and if there are many other stressful factors at play such as poor lifestyle (read: lack of exercise, poor diet, lack of sleep and self-care) yes then the body simply can not produce enough hormones to keep you in balance . And what can happen then? The sex drive decreases - or disappears.

Menopause is not necessarily the villain So it does not have to be menopause that like a thief at night steals your sex drive. In fact, it may rather be your body telling you that it has been on overtime for far too long. All this statistics and surveys do not tell about and they only add fuel to the fire that menopause is a nasty place to be because all joy, pleasure, juice and power disappear as soon as we feel the first heat ride. NOT TRUE !!! It is possible to maintain his desire and to have great sex even during menopause. It only requires 4 things (and I say that with a twinkle in my eye because it is not really 4 easy things but it is absolutely affordable things): Knowledge of what happens in menopause with the connection between brain and abdomen Knowledge of how you can work with your body and the changes that occur naturally Desire and courage to work with your sexuality Desire and motivation to change what stands in the way of the desire can unfold perhaps in new ways

Stress and sex drive
Stress is one of the biggest root causes of decreased sex drive during menopause, but desire and the desire to feel like it can also be affected by many other things. You can work with your desire and get the desire back.
The happy message is that you can rediscover your sex drive if it has disappeared and you can do it in a completely natural way and if you feel like it, for your own sake, there is so much great to be gained by going inside in the process it is finding the key to one's own desire and what turns on the spark again. As a sexologist says: If your appetite disappeared, you would not stop eating either. You know you need nourishment and we also need sexuality and intimacy even if the desire is not quite as it used to be ”.

Good advice for rediscovering your sex drive
To rediscover the desire for sex, it is important to want to want - to be motivated for one's own sake. Not for your partners sake and to save the relationship. It can of course be a very powerful motivation but it is not the one that makes you come in contact with your desire. That motivation is more fear-based. And desire does not come from fear.
Desire comes from trust and a desire for closeness. Sex has many beneficial effects on our entire physiology, for example on our circulation, our immune system, our pelvic floor and our mood.
But it is also important for our relationships and our relationship to each other and to ourselves. Sex creates connection, creates closeness and it is an important ingredient in a well-functioning relationship.
Not that a relationship can not exist without but sexuality is an innate impulse and it is an important part of our identity and life force. If not kept alive, an important source of energy and vitality and an important connection to our own inner core and spark fades. Sexuality is inextricably linked to our creativity and therefore there is much to be gained by stimulating and strengthening one's sexuality.

There are a handful of tips that can help you strengthen your sex drive:

Move - daily exercise is important for your whole body
Squeeze exercises - creates blood flow and you can better feel what is happening
Make sure you sleep a minimum of 8 hours each night
Stimulate your desire with a vibrator, for example every day in the bath (not solo sex but just stimulation of the area around the labia and clitoris).
Provide a healthy and nutritious diet
Reduce stress
Get a 360 degree view of how your body is doing and get a personal plan to support your body's any imbalances so your body can form the hormones it needs and can.

How are you feeling?
One last thing that is important to get around when it comes to decreased sex drive is to look at your life. As mentioned, decreased sex drive is not just about altered hormones. It can also be about your relationship and the sex you have. It is not uncommon for the sensitivity and “flammability” to change due to the physiological changes that occur in the area around the vagina, labia and clitoris and therefore it may take more to be turned on or maybe something completely different is needed. It may also be that the sex you have had has not really been the sex you dream of or has the degree of intimacy that you long for. And when it gets harder to turn you on, it's not really that strange that the desire is absent. It is simply not attractive to have sex because it does not give you anything.
It could also be that outside the bedroom there are things you are not completely happy with. If you do not feel heard, seen, met and have other needs covered than just sex, it can also affect the desire.
Your desire is also greatly affected by what happens between you and your partner in everyday life and a partner who is not there for you can extinguish much of the spark.

A few good questions you can ask yourself are: Are you happy and content, do you thrive in your relationship, do you get your needs met? Are you happy with the sex you have or do you feel a longing for something deeper, closer or just something completely different? Does your partner turn you on? Do you want sex but just not with your partner? Fast food sex or gourmet sex? Your sexuality has a huge potential and sex can be absolutely amazing - also and perhaps especially during menopause. But we can not take our sexuality for granted just as we can not take our physical form for granted. Being fit does not come from sitting on the couch and neither does a well-functioning sex life. And not at all in menopause where the connection between the brain and abdomen has become a little slower. For many women, it is important to practice and make an effort to maintain the desire and pleasure of sex. The potential is that sex before and after menopause can become even more amazing, rewarding, nourishing and tender. It can turn into gourmet sex.

Gourmet sex is sex with great fervor, great love, tenderness, closeness and where there is no focus on performance only on pleasure. That potential has all sex but the older we get the more the need for intimacy and tenderness increases. I think it's a lot about maturity and the mature love that many are in, aged 40+. We are no longer so hooked on the quick gratification, the one without so many emotions. We want quality over quantity. And if you feel that longing and you have a sex life that does not come close to it, then the sex drive can be suffocated.

So one last piece of good advice is to be curious about your own sexuality.

Are there areas you have not explored?
Are you in touch with your sexuality and your sexual nature as a woman?
Are you flirting with your partner or, if you are single, with others?
Do you feel sexy, feminine and are you happy with your body and listening to your body?

All too often the body is an appendix to our heads and we have no connection to what is happening in it and not at all to the abdomen but you can get it.

The avoidant and sex - do you have numb sex?:

When sex Replaces Connection:

For Avoidantly Attached individuals, sex may have a heavy emphasis on the physical sensations rather than emotional connection. Since Avoidantly Attached individuals have difficulty expressing their needs, sex may become a way to artificially connect without fear of rejection.
Avoidant partners often withdraw if they feel too vulnerable and leave their partner feeling disconnected and dissatisfied. They may also forgo sex entirely, preferring the safety of pornography and masturbation.
(Diane Poole Heller)

A sextherapist/therapist says:

The problem arises when numb sex is the rule more than the exception.
People who find it difficult to combine sex and feelings are afraid to be vulnerable. They can not open emotionally because they find it difficult to trust others.

It seems that it´s typically men who have impersonal sex. In the sexual encounter, men generally focus more on movement and release, whereas women are often more absorbed by emotions. But there are of course also women who have sex without feelings.

Mechanical sex in the relationship is a bad sign.

Generally, mechanical sex is bad to a relationship, because it is the feelings that create cohesion. Therefore, I always ask for the emotional connection when I give couples sexological counseling.

Sex with presence and love is one of the best binders in the relationship, and if sex life is cold and mechanical, a wedge is shot between the parties, which in the long run, will ruin the relationship.

Most long-term relationships experience periods of too much everyday life and too little proximity, love and attraction. It also appears in sex life, where sex becomes a habit or something that has to be overcome quickly. But it may be the beginning of a negative spiral because mechanical sex creates even more distance.
When emotions, presence and play disappear, only mechanics are left.

4 Tips for sex with emotions:
If you find that the loving feelings have left the bedroom, there is cause for concern. Sex with feelings and love is one of the most important elements in a happy and stable relationship.

Here are some tips to get your feelings back in sex life:

Massage, foreplay and hug:
Hugging, massage and foreplay are great ways to practice combining emotions and body contact. Therefore, it is a good idea to give priority to loving touches and hug outside the bedroom.
Instead of thinking about touch as something that will lead to sex, think of touch as a way of giving love.

Eye contact:
The eyes are the mirror of the soul. Eye contact is one of the most important elements in deep emotional contact. If you think it's uncomfortable to see your partner in the eyes when you have sex, start cautiously with small periods of eye contact.

Recognize your desire:
Practice feeling your desire. What do you really want? Do you really want mechanically numb sex? Are you happy, or do you feel lonely and empty?
Do not do things, that you do not want. Do not be fooled with mediocre sex if it makes you unhappy. End your habit and duty!

Create emotional intimacy outside the bedroom:
Sex without feelings is rarely a problem that only appears in the bed. If your sex life has become cold and impersonal, start boosting the emotional contact outside the bed, for example by prioritizing deep conversations and loving touches.

When there is openness, closeness and confidence outside the bedroom, it affects the sex life. Partners who experience peace and cohesion can openly talk about feelings and desires without fear of rejection. And in bed they dare to throw the stitches and sink into joy by having good sex with loving feelings.

Remember:
Once committed some avidant partners can experience a lessening of their libido/sex drive. A once pretty sexually active partner can seem to lose interest sexually. Be careful not to take this personally. They would be this way with anyone and it has to do with them coming from families where there was not a lot of physical closeness. Now that you have become "deep family" to them they start to unconsciously revert back to the patterns of their childhood attachments, which probably did not include a lot of close physical contact. Of course you can continue to ask for physical contact but be patient with them and try to find ways of approaching that don't provoke a defensive response in your avoidant partner. Also be careful not to trigger a shame response when discussing this with your partner as they tend to feel ashamed and embarrassed about letting their partner down in this way. (Stan Tatkin)

Also check out Sue Johnson

The rigid caracter structure.

Our body can show what happend to us and where we got stuck in our development as a child.
If you've got some of the rigid character structure which developed around 4-6 years old, you can have a split between your heart and your sex. You've got rejected by the opposite sex parent.

You are either able to have sex with or you can love your partner. But it is not possible to combine the two together at the same time. Either one is good at opening one's heart or one is good at being sexual and seductive. Both gives problem in relationships. This can only be healed in a relationship. (The fifth caracter structure)

youtu.be/uT1patJfSh8

According to a attatchment/SE teacher the best way to work with this is in a committed relationship combined with other kinds of techniques 

Do the yang breath where you breathe through your penis/genitals/uterous and up and out through your heart

Menopause and sex

Low estrogen During menopause, women may find that as estrogen decreases, so does their sex drive. Lower estrogen will often lead to decreased sensitivity around the clitoris, vaginal dryness, less blood flow to the vagina and more difficulty in achieving orgasm
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A mature couple has been out to eat, had some wine, looked each other in the eyes, and a wonderful moment has arisen. A crack in everyday life and routines. They laugh and flirt and fall over on the bed and kiss. Jo’s husband, Rob (played by Christopher Eccleston), then goes straight to the point, pulling the panties off her and put his hand down between his wife’s legs. Here he discovers that she is not wet and that the sudden touch hurts her and then says something along the lines of: "I think we will need the good old…", while he finds a tube of lube.

Vaginal dryness is definitely not something we usually see treated in popular culture. It's more something that girlfriends whisper to each other or do discrete google searches on. In any case, I have never seen the subject covered on TV before, maybe a little with Samantha in ‘Sex and The City’, but not quite down in the panties as with the scene in ‘Close to me’.

In porn, women are almost always poked and pushed into lube as something naughty and part of a game, while there is a whimsical contrast between the non-needs of young porn models and the very tangible needs of mature women for add moisture.

Back to ‘Close to me’ where Rob asks Jo if he should lubricate and she says no, gets embarrassed and angry and starts lubricating herself. And cut. The opportunity has passed and we sense that there will be no more hanky panky happening that night.

But what would have happened if the two people had given themselves a little more time and space for the new vulnerability that has moved into their love life? If Rob had been less busy, if Jo had felt less wrong. If they had a language for what Jo is experiencing?

Menopause is a 10-year period in all women's lives, where everything changes physically, mentally, physically, but which is still invisible and taboo, and that is why it is so important that a beautiful, strong, sexy woman like Connie Nielsen takes menopause with her. into h this TV series

Connie Nielsen herself has said in interviews that she thought it was important to show a woman's menopause. For Jo is a woman in crisis, but she is also a woman in transition from one phase to the next. We feel her pain over the children moving away from home. That she is suddenly in the grandmother category. She fills, like so many other mature women, her newfound time with book club, girlfriends and volunteer work, while at the same time she mourns a disappearing desire and misses a look at herself that she has been used to in the first part of his female life. She fantasizes about young men. About sudden sex and surprising lust while lying sweaty and sleepless at night, rejecting her husband's slightly clumsy touches.

youtu.be/H1uEo11OPmM