|
|
Post by anne12 on Mar 31, 2022 15:22:59 GMT
Talk to your mother and a professional
A c section can cause trauma
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2022 15:32:10 GMT
Also, there are so many components of personality and ways to be in the world. Something that has a heavy influence on me is I am strongly HSP. So my sensitivity to sensory stuff keeps me on the fringe a lot. It's very cool to explore all the things that influence how you interact with the world and with yourself.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2022 15:34:18 GMT
I had c-sections and got bruised on my pubic bone by how hard the doctor had to yank and tug that baby out of me. I think it could be very traumatic to the baby, the way that a doc has to grab that slippery little body and get it out. Certainly not like opening a shoe box, that's for sure.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Mar 31, 2022 15:49:56 GMT
Kate White is an expert in the field - MA, CMT, RCST, SEP, she is a massage and craniosacral therapist in Charlottesville, VA www.ppncenter.com/about-us.htmlwww.ppncenter.com/about-pre-and-perinatal-health-and-healing.htmlwww.ppncenter.com/blog-from-the-babys-perspectiveThe mother can also get trauma from having a c section, not having any control ect. The science has shown that many women have their autonomic nervous system’s threat response come into play, which is more freeze than fight or flight, but can be both (Weinstein, 2016; APPPAH, 2019; Muzik & Rosenblum, 2017). Most often, there simply isn’t enough support to help birthing parents make sense of difficulty, provide a sense of presence and calm, and recognition of the different states that arise during birth for everyone: women, their partners, babies and staff. Also the mother’s and father’s own birth experiences can influence the current time from an implicit, unspoken place. David Chamberlain, Ph.D., is a California psychologist, author and editor static1.squarespace.com/static/57766acbff7c5070b30f351b/t/587ea00ed482e9a27b0975f7/1484693535110/babies-remember-birth.pdf |
|
rykus9
Junior Member
Posts: 91
|
Post by rykus9 on Mar 31, 2022 17:53:39 GMT
Just did the test again thinking of my current relationship and scored wayyyy different... 35.4% da 14.6% sec then 25 25 between anxious and disorganized.
Never tested anxious on any other time I've taken it thinking about reactions in general.
This is kind of wierd because it's the first time I've felt super stuck and get a sick hollowness in my stomach that radiates out but that I keep being around... its been a few years now of this and for the last year I've been thinking maybe it's because of the period in my childhood around 7-9 where we where in a tiny house and my dad would get home late and him and my mom would argue. I think it gave me the same sick helpless felling that I am now recreating . I think I hate it but I feel a strong compassion and need to be supportive to this person that I kind of feel hates me. Before I could overlook all my disfunction and dissociate but now I just keep going back to this sickness. I think its an AP feeling that I crave to fix something but feel I can't.. it instantly revolts me but I come back again and again to feel that anxious sickness .
I had a discussion where I explained a bad dynamic I though we had and today in a discussion she shared how she thought our relationship mirrors some of the aspects of the dynamics with her uncle who molested her.
We split up awhile ago but still share space, work crossovers etc etc so I feel like I'm getting (and probably giving) a lot of the worst of relationships and much less of the good. I've felt shut down more and my DA side trying to balance that AP foreign feeling is affecting my balance in work and other personal relations.
Sorry processing a lot feeling scattered putting all these pieces together.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Mar 31, 2022 18:04:50 GMT
That result also backs up that you're overall FA who usually leans avoidant, though with someone else FA or more avoidant than you, you swing more into your anxious side.
The takeaway is, you will need to focus both on your relationship with yourself (for example, building up self-esteem and trust in yourself, learning healthy boundaries, and healing existing trauma) AND on your interactions with others (learning to trust others in a way that is appropriate to how safe they prove themselves to be over time, practicing healthy boundaries with them, etc). The easiest way you're going to be able to confront this is with professional help. Otherwise, you can work on your own with what you've got, but it's going to take much much longer... and working out trauma and becoming more secure is already a time-intensive process that doesn't correct overnight.
|
|
rykus9
Junior Member
Posts: 91
|
Post by rykus9 on Mar 31, 2022 19:56:03 GMT
Thanks again everyone, I appreciate the support it is truly helpful!
I found a somatic experiencing counselor fairly near to me and reached out so ill see what she says. We share some distant ancestry (metis) and she seems to have a more nature based philosophy I might enjoy.
Kind of scared to talk out loud so I'm trying to convince myself lol
I will probably keep trying to process here so apologies for the emotional dumping but I think it would be good to keep digging so I have more I can discuss with her if she accepts me as a client.
Should I move myself to the FA section or maybe start a different thread there on my journey?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2022 20:10:05 GMT
Thanks again everyone, I appreciate the support it is truly helpful! I found a somatic experiencing counselor fairly near to me and reached out so ill see what she says. We share some distant ancestry (metis) and she seems to have a more nature based philosophy I might enjoy. Kind of scared to talk out loud so I'm trying to convince myself lol I will probably keep trying to process here so apologies for the emotional dumping but I think it would be good to keep digging so I have more I can discuss with her if she accepts me as a client. Should I move myself to the FA section or maybe start a different thread there on my journey? That's excellent you found a SE therapist and I'm fine with you staying here nobody ever comes to the DA support 😭😭😭😜 |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Mar 31, 2022 21:09:08 GMT
rykus9, this is great that you reached out for SE therapy! I think a lot of people still post here between appointments. It sometimes helps sort out and focus the issues as they come up so they can talk to their therapist more effectively during their appointments. And if you want to keep your thread together in one place where it already is instead of moving it to the FA board, there's no reason you can't!
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Apr 1, 2022 2:55:11 GMT
The eyes
Eyeball exercise (good for avoidant and desorganised attatched):
Letting the eyeballs sink into the eyes and imagine that the eyeballs lands on a soft pillow (avoidants and desorganized - they can have a "harsh/starring look" in their eyes, because they can be watching out for "danger-signales").
Also a good way to gruond, because they can have a hard time feeling the body and if/or/when they feel the body, they can somehow get activated)
(Diane Poole Heller)
Working with the facial mussels, can also help to loosen up the face and make the face look more friendly and welcoming to other people. And it can help the person to be able to better regoise their feelings
(An SE, bodyworker, fitness trainer, stress coach)
|
|
|
|
Post by annieb on Apr 1, 2022 15:20:17 GMT
Welcome to the forums and stay in this thread. I’ve tested DA, FA, Secure and AP all in different phases in my life, and in different relationships and no relationships. I’ve felt all those feelings in the different times including the content and happy feeling, dopamine generating feeling of security and secure attachment. It is possible to get there. Although it has not been possible for me to consistently stay there quite yet, it’s easier every time. There isn’t a better feeling than to look forward to your future. Like you’re now, you’re inspiring us all. True that many come here bashing whatever FA or DA they were involved with usually, but we all leave knowing what our own part was and what needs we were trying to meet engaging with them, and who and what they reminded us of. Knowledge that will change your life.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Apr 1, 2022 15:30:07 GMT
Thanks again everyone, I appreciate the support it is truly helpful! I found a somatic experiencing counselor fairly near to me and reached out so ill see what she says. We share some distant ancestry (metis) and she seems to have a more nature based philosophy I might enjoy. Kind of scared to talk out loud so I'm trying to convince myself lol I will probably keep trying to process here so apologies for the emotional dumping but I think it would be good to keep digging so I have more I can discuss with her if she accepts me as a client. Should I move myself to the FA section or maybe start a different thread there on my journey? I will admit that I found SE to be uncomfortable at first because she was asking me to get in touch with aspects of my body that I had either ignored or numbed…..but in just a very short period of time we were able to unlock so much about my past. I have grown leaps and bounds…especially with regards to knowing where I end and another person begins….that has been crucial in the evolution of my boundaries. 🙂 |
|
rykus9
Junior Member
Posts: 91
|
Post by rykus9 on Apr 2, 2022 17:38:16 GMT
She got back to me and I can start in less than a week. I'm a bit nervous, I read her response then ignored it for 12 hrs before replying.
Not really sure I know how to have a personal conversation without becoming evasive and triggering into trying to lighten the conversation in jest or stonewall myself in..
Not sure how I feel about connecting with my body, I have a lot of my body tattoo'd and found it to be somewhat therapeutic. But even that was more telling about how I mostly am disconnected from myself or can easily.
I really want to try to heal this and I am painfully aware it won't just be some magic switch that will flip inside me and make it better. I still have problems even identifying what I want or need so any immediate growth has to be acceptance my rational self is telling me.
I had a great morning the other day with my friend/partner/FA person. We had a bunch of really open and indepth conversations.She has been to therapy off and on both by choice or otherwise since a young age. She was able to be very supportive and shared her experiences and listened to some of the things I was learning about how I react as an avoidant and how that affect those around me.
We felt super close then we decided to go together to get groceries. First of all I will preface by saying being in a car with her can instantly become a trap for me because I can't escape without putting her or myself out in a huge way. And second I have a wierd income so I get abundant in spurts so there was talk of how I should come to the grocer because I had been contributing less in the food regard so I should come for support and choose my own food.
I guess I was already a bit put off by this and in hindsight may have been a bit drained from all our conversations even though they where all positive.
She asked me how she could best support me. I said I was having a lot of problems being motivated and because money was an issue that was straining me and my personal relationships including my father who is very sick, and that although I really enjoyed our time I thought her expectancy of my availability and because I'm my own boss my ability to do the minimum and still kind of get by was really hurting me and that I needed her to help be more self sufficient and recognize that I need to be focused on my business and money and that isn't a slight on her or our relationship.
It immediately exploded. I honestly shut down with the way she received this and said it back to me through her filter to try to get me to agree with what she though. We drove 25min only to turn around. Then she stopped the car to talk. I tried to explain that I felt trapped and extremely triggered but we talked anyways. I don't think I can actually be present in this state I am hurtful and hurt and immediately started shaking and becoming internally extremely turbulent. I often want to destroy things, punch the fuck out of something solid until my hands bleed or break. I didn't this time and sought some space on a little dock by the lake we parked by. I can calm myself from an extreme like that but I still am in a world of pain and mistrust. We made it home and where able to take space but I know she is hurt and being mean because of it and overdoing what she thinks I want to the point of cruelty to her own needs.
I hate that even after reading all exactly how this all happens in one quick sentence it can all begin and I am not only helpless to stop it I'm a mad lunatic throwing gas on myself and running into a burning building lol it all happens so quick.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2022 21:03:36 GMT
rykus9 it does suck that head knowledge isn't enough to change those deep patterns- but hang in there and be patient with yourself. Try not to worry too much about what you think therapy might be like- or how you will handle it. Just show up and be there and take it as it comes, take yourself as you are. It's entirely possible to gain new skills and coping mechanisms to go with your cognitive understanding. This is a big puzzle and you don't have all the pieces yet so just keep showing up, be kind to yourself, and keep sharing.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Apr 3, 2022 10:01:17 GMT
Your injuries as a child can create trauma.
If you are brought up in a culture that says it’s not ok to show your pain, especially if you’re male, especially if you’re surrounded by peers, especially if those peers are the cool kids and/or if your parents wasn’t receptive and could comfort you. Boys don’t cry.
What if there were actually people with an understanding of how to respond to a stressful event.
If you had allowed yourself to have a natural reaction to the different events, a reaction that your nervous system knew how to have and wanted to have, it probably would have been something like this:
You might have allowed yourself permission to scream and howl, whimper or cry. You might have curled into a ball and rolled around. There is no one script that will always happen in a certain order, but the body will always have an instinctual knowledge of what it needs to do.
Your peers ( if any was nearby);would have surrounded you. Your parents would have supported you, allowed you to cry, they would have comforted you.
Eventually, your body might have begun to tremble for a while, which would signify the de-activation of the stress response, until gradually that would have subsided and your entire being would have spontaneously drawn in some very deep breaths, which would have signaled to you that your system was returning to homeostasis.
You would have gotten up very, very slowly and taken a look a your souroundings. You would have been supported in slowly taking in all your surroundings, as you re-oriented to both the present moment and your physical body.
You probably would still have been very sore and maybe would have needed some type of physical assistance to help your body recover, but you would not have been traumatized because your nervous system had been allowed to do what it needed to do.
Instead, unable to go through the natural reactions it needed which would have a enabled a deactivation of the stress response, your system maybe have went into a state of freeze (which you were maybe already predisposed towards due to early/developmental trauma. All those instructions that your brain and nerve endings were sending out got stored and locked into your body. frozen emotions of grief, shock, and shame.
Now you’ve got the chance to work with all of this.
|
|
