rykus9
Junior Member
Posts: 88
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Post by rykus9 on Apr 3, 2022 13:18:18 GMT
Thanks again anne12! That makes a lot of sense. Your posts are very intuitive and I feel like you see parts or me between the lines I'm writing. Very helpful and I see you doing the same for many others to so many thanks. I appreciate your insight! I think I can feel all that locked away energy, I have been at extreme stress levels for a bit and haven't had a safe place I can reset in a long time. Been feeling wore down and reactive. My sleeping was never good but that too is at an all time low point. I will keep posting away here, I know it is helping already even if it is also triggering a bit of anxiety and maybe taking up some energy. a lot of of my closest friends/ people I interact with are people that went through extreme trauma not only as children but also as adults. We usually form a very tight bond immediately and then over years I will realize the levels of pain the person developed through. Through my life with these trauma bound people I realize I don't trust 99% of people to touch me in a safe way. I can't rely on them to be there when bad things happen or to not flail under the stress and protect only themselves. I now realize I won't even try to make bonds with stable people because even if they wanted to care about me eventually my life or the people I'm bound too would break that and push any stable person to protect themselves by getting far away from all this. When I moved out of home this became my safety, the safety of hurt and broken people I could trust to be themselves no matter what stress we got put through.something predictable and stable I got from people that are neither. So much stuff I need to process. I'm very thankful again for all the help and support here, it feels really good and even more so that I feel understood and not judged other than by myself as always. |
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Post by anne12 on Apr 3, 2022 15:01:39 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Apr 3, 2022 18:51:31 GMT
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rykus9
Junior Member
Posts: 88
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Post by rykus9 on Apr 3, 2022 19:19:24 GMT
I'm honestly not sure.. I moved out relatively young and grew up in the 80s before the medicating/diagnosing really took hold as a mainstream kind of thing.
My mom taught special needs and put me in a gifted study thing in grade 1 but I never was diagnosed or told anything. My ex wife was heavily analyzed and prescribed stuff as a kid. She thought I was some level of autistic and appareny had a conversation with my mom about it.
If I read the list of traumas I have quite a few, and when I hurt my physical self I replaced adrenaline with psychedelics and from 14-25 I would go through a lot of phases of abuse with substances then alcohol until I was 35. I still consume cannabis heavily as a crutch/habit. So that also had an affect on my brains development I am sure.
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Post by anne12 on Apr 4, 2022 18:26:26 GMT
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rykus9
Junior Member
Posts: 88
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Post by rykus9 on Apr 8, 2022 2:18:57 GMT
Went to my first therapy today! Something until about a few weeks ago I would have never even contemplated at all.. ever.
I still find it hard to be open and honest. It's actually been my profession to be vague and elusive of many questions and keep people out of any personal life I had which was always fairly minimal anyways.
I did open up about quite a bit and she chose a few events from my childhood and had me close my eyes and visualize/ internalize the way certain things made me feel.
It's actually pretty easy for me do that initially and all my "visions" came on immediately and where fairly easy for me to feel/ and elaborate on.
There is definitely a blockage in me or that peice of myself stuck in there. It actually felt pretty good to acknowledge it and nurture it a bit and I think that although my brain tries to wander and can loose focus it does really help and I could start to hopefully self sooth in this way.
I am pretty alright with the whole process so far actually, kind of looking forward to going again.
On other fronts my life is going to complete garbage... have some long time business deals that have both gone south with almost no notice in the same week. The one is wit my Dad who is super sick and we had a really good moment before he had to go for surgery, then when I phoned to ask how he was he just brought up this business stuff passive aggressively to me and then I had to hear third hand how he was pulling out of it from my Mom who he won't even talk too..
Part of me wants so bad to have a loving supportive family that I can be open with and trust to have my best interests at heart. Or even just care how I feel maybe.
The other half wants to cut all ties and end the continued hurt that seems to go along with trying to love people that aren't capable of it... if I am even capable to give or receive it myself.
It's literally been 10 years now where everytime I come up for breath I am dragged under. The loss is overwhelming yet I literally had nothing so I'm not sure what I'm even attached too.. that I worked so hard and put so much time into making money and building up property only to loose it over and over one piece at a time.
I'm feeling overwhelmed and just broken on so many levels this past few months. I haven't been relaxed enough to sleep unclothed. Even if I stay up I can't sleep more than 6 hrs.. 3-4 is normal now.. I feel like I'm going insane but I can't even get to a place where I know what I want. Just dragging on in this numbness that sinks into deep pain and unsettled fleeting thoughts with no solutions.
Trying to get better and the support here helps a lot
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Post by introvert on Apr 8, 2022 4:48:46 GMT
I'm sorry you're hurting so bad rykus9. I'm glad you're here posting and I'm really glad you made the leap to find a therapist and go. Keep it up, I believe it will help you. In the meantime, there is so much pain and I don't know what to say other than I understand. I think people tend to think I don't carry a lot of pain because I don't show it, I'm a comedian and I play around alot. That's worked as a defense since I was a kid actually. I'm good at it. Everything is going fantastic in my life right now... career, kids are all thriving, relationship is strong, I have time to engage in what I love. But it certainly hasn't always been this way. During the worst of times I used to be able to numb out and perform- get the job done. Now, I'm doing that and all is well but I also feel broken and it's this deep pain I thought I had resolved. The family-of-origin grief is so heavy right now. My brothers are not thriving at all- they are stuck after all these years in addictions and misery and I have what must be survivor guilt, because I've come out of the dysfunction to a large degree. But I feel this oppressive sense of despair when it all comes home to roost at night. My stage in life is perimenopause which brings insomnia, but I'm also haunted by pain that is a constant undercurrent. I've shared everything with my boyfriend except this last awakening to the grief I feel about my dad. It feels so huge and overwhelming it's unapproachable. You know what I do? When I feel all this sadness I recite the alphabet of all things, and then I go to sleep. I'm not advising that you do that, I'm saying that whatever tools you have, you use until you pick up new ones. I know for a fact that sharing with people has made me more whole and helped me to feel safe and loved. So I'll get there. You will too. Until then just do your best and keep showing up and being real. I've heard it said, Grief Always Comes to Collect. It may be later, it may be seemingly forgotten, but it always will find you and come to collect. So I've been working on it for years just didn't know there was more to take care of. I have to believe that we aren't really "meant" to be destroyed by it, and that there is always a way through to the other side. We wouldn't evolve if we didn't have to in order to survive. So the dismissive part of me has a lot of Give Up in it. It's made completely of Give Up on people and life and meaning. But there is also that spark in me that is so brave and strong and wise that keeps me trying the next right thing, following advice, taking risks. I note, as an avoidant... being successful requires help from others. A therapist once told me I had an extremely strong will to survive. He said they have actually identified something in the brain that indicates pure will to survive. Mine's super developed he said and it's from continuing to try. I'm only saying this to encourage you that you have that same part in you that can be developed, stronger and stronger. But you can only do it by facing what feels like giving up, feels like dying, feels like it can never turn out right. You just have to keep facing that like you are doing. Good job. For us, it means we have to reach out and take risks with people and to risk feeling what feels unbearable. It takes a lot of courage. |
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rykus9
Junior Member
Posts: 88
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Post by rykus9 on Apr 8, 2022 5:17:35 GMT
Thanks introvert it does help a lot both venting my thoughts and feelings that I am use to hiding as well as receiving thoughts and support from the collective whole here! We have a lot of parallels you and I, probably why we grew up into the same patterns. My Father was beaten pretty bad and was really sensitive. He loved us I know but withdrew from any love or conflict. He never would discipline us . He never phones me either, not even for my birthdays, his GF will phone me some years. Yet he always kind of acts like I never call lol. I know I am tempered to extreme strength and will to survive. Work has been a coping mechanism in times and I can flick into go mode where I can accomplish a lot, but I've been hurting more and more the further I get off the path I need to be on. It's been years of just struggling to uphold ideas and values I had at 28 when I wanted a lot and had a lot of people who would show up and help. Now I'm older, don't have the support. Am doing the same things but without money or passion it is just a huge exertion of my life force for something I'm not even sure I want. My job is unfullfilling and stressful right now, my relationship is at a standstill and i still just can't figure out what I need to do for myself to focus and regain that confidence and sense of self I felt like I could always fall back into. |
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Post by introvert on Apr 8, 2022 5:32:37 GMT
Thanks introvert it does help a lot both venting my thoughts and feelings that I am use to hiding as well as receiving thoughts and support from the collective whole here! We have a lot of parallels you and I, probably why we grew up into the same patterns. My Father was beaten pretty bad and was really sensitive. He loved us I know but withdrew from any love or conflict. He never would discipline us . He never phones me either, not even for my birthdays, his GF will phone me some years. Yet he always kind of acts like I never call lol. I know I am tempered to extreme strength and will to survive. Work has been a coping mechanism in times and I can flick into go mode where I can accomplish a lot, but I've been hurting more and more the further I get off the path I need to be on. It's been years of just struggling to uphold ideas and values I had at 28 when I wanted a lot and had a lot of people who would show up and help. Now I'm older, don't have the support. Am doing the same things but without money or passion it is just a huge exertion of my life force for something I'm not even sure I want. My job is unfullfilling and stressful right now, my relationship is at a standstill and i still just can't figure out what I need to do for myself to focus and regain that confidence and sense of self I felt like I could always fall back into. Wow, we do have parallels. My dad was beaten badly as a child also. He is very low key but he told me once he has severe anxiety. I'd never have guessed it but then I understood him a lot better. He stays by himself with my step mother and seems to just be in a retreat from the world, his own little bubble. I think *maybe* it is he that passed HSP traits to me. I think he is sensitive and that's why he's so anxious. And I know he's really sorry he couldn't be there for me. Thus, I want to protect him from my grief. I was previously very much like him in that I could stay by myself with little contact to the big wide world and be content. Anyway I digress. I think coming to and end of your avoidant coping skills is good. It's good when it stops working. Hard as it is, it's good to get to the point of not being able to pick up and move forward like before. It's good to look around and realize you are not happy, and that you don't know what to do. Simply because that's what will get you trying new ways to figure it out. I only got healthier when I couldn't stand my life anymore. That's what it takes. |
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rykus9
Junior Member
Posts: 88
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Post by rykus9 on Apr 12, 2022 4:29:16 GMT
Well I haven't taken the time to do much self work.
Realized I have been in a long phase where I am in freeze mode like 50% of the time. Really needing to snap into life more and deal with my self and my obligations but I keep having triggers thst put me back into that hallow nothing I reside in to try to calm my self... brains too active though so I just loop about all the things I need to do with no plan to get it started and that feeds the uneasiness in my stomachache that makes it feel even harder to get back moving again.
Been trying to lift weights every day and get out in the sun. Got the garden ready n going so that feels good. Little things.
I realize I have no safe spot, and I am usually a man that has a few lol. I realize now I always had an out. A second house, a cabin, a work site even.. somewhere to escape that I can decompress.
I kind of can get away to my shop but it's not relaxing and reminds me I'm behind.. still I can go distract myself there to a point, so that is a big saving grace for me. I am not sure I could even really be with someone without that escape to go be a wierdo, watch youtube at 4am when I cant sleep. Even just be for a bit without feeling people around me.sometimes even being ten feet away it feels like they are in my space with a darkness or presence I can feel in my inner self, almost like a wieght of discomfort.that walking on eggshells waiting always for the next thing I've missed or done wrong.
I notice now the lack of this space causes me to be more reactive. Defensive like I'm struggling to preserve the very essence of myself.i can feel the tension like a ball inside me, building and making me more tense.
Been reading on here as my distraction, it's good I've been learning tools and gaining perspective. Realizing I'm not the only one that has a long list of similar reactions or needs is really refreshing and inspiring as well. Things I don't even think about thst are so deeply ingrained in who I am I can't even see it...
Maybe with the right partner and my own safe place in the house I could learn to feel safe. I think thst has been a big issue for me not only afraid of being cornered or trapped but afraid of my own lack of control once I go into self preservation mode.
So much to learn and it literally goes against the very nature I taught myself as a core of who I am.
I notice I talk about myself a lot.. processing. maybe I'll try to talk about my relationships, that seems to be the weakest area that can affect me the most.
Hope you all had a great weekend and have an even better week. Thanks for the support.
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Post by alexandra on Apr 12, 2022 16:44:18 GMT
Maybe with the right partner and my own safe place in the house I could learn to feel safe. I want to flag this for you and caution you as you continue to think through and attempt to begin to process this stuff. You certainly don't want to have the wrong partner (someone else with an insecure attachment style or personality disorder) when you're starting to become aware and delve into this. But it's not about finding the "right" partner exactly either because insecures who haven't done the work will always find something wrong with their partner if they're seeking to do so. There's still a matter of getting more right with yourself first so you have the capacity to be with someone who will be right for you, rather than putting the onus on they need to be "right." You don't want someone unsafe who triggers you because then you don't get enough emotional space to do the work you are talking about. But avoidants can put the problem too much on the partner as a way of avoiding. Again, you will likely need someone who isn't AP or FA-anxious eventually, but it isn't about waiting it out and looking at every partner's flaws just to avoid and feel you still have/want/need a way out, either, if that makes sense. |
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Post by introvert on Apr 12, 2022 18:05:48 GMT
rykus9 my partner has higher contact needs than I do, and we used to trigger each other. But over time we have built trust and security and I have the space I need . Any anxiety that I feel about that is my own stuff, that I continue to explore. He is really great about supporting my alone time- even on our weekends together an hour or two laying down BY MYSELF in a dark room does wonders for my energy. This helps as an HSP also. Knowing he isn't looking for abandonment where there is none goes a long way toward making me more comfortable and feeling "safe" in my own skin. Having the "right" partner in terms of someone who won't take it personally or resent it if you need to seclude yourself for a bit is definitely a plus, and an anxious type who is looking for abandonment where there is none isn't going to be a good fit. I believe that the space I need isn't a threat to a healthy relationship, nor is it that unusual. There's a good balance. If you've tended to be with anxious types you probably don't know what it feels like to be safe, period....just like they don't know what it's like to feel safe. You may only be accustomed to having to escape. Getting out of the insecure trap is entirely possible and necessary but you will likely always need more space than a non avoidant. Just saying, you don't have to give it up entirely. A question: Can you describe what you mean by "being safe?". What does that mean to you?
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Post by introvert on Apr 13, 2022 4:05:15 GMT
I also wanted to say I understand what you mean about that eggshells feeling. With a more secure partner, and with more security in yourself, you will likely be able to trust and feel more comfortable in the long run. I agree with alexandra that this doesn't come without working through your own attachment patterns- but it's also a benefit of working through your own defenses... you will likely become attracted to healthier people as you go. That's been my experience. The dynamic I am in now has not been without challenges at times but is much healthier than anything I've been in previous, it has been since the beginning but that was after a lot of progress in my own inner work.
What I've learned is that the eggshells feeling is part and parcel of being in the anxious/avoidant trap. It's not just you, it is a dynamic between you and an unhealthy partner with their own insecure/controlling behaviors. If you get more clarity and work through some of your own blocks in therapy, you will feel safer because you won't be co-creating that dynamic with someone. I guess what I'm saying is it's not something you will necessarily always feel, if you keep working with your own attachment and learning how to create healthier dynamics with a healthier partner.
I avoided relationships quite a bit because I associated them with that feeling, always being blamed and corrected and criticized and feeling suffocated and snuffed out by it... I felt oppressed and depressed and anxious, paralyzed by anger and frustration, and driven deeper into a hole that felt not like autonomy, but like survival. I wasn't happy, wasn't content. It's a terrible feeling. Of course it's something you'd want to escape from, and having a place to go where that isn't happening is understandably a very valid concern. I totally get that. I hope you do get some real peace about that eventually- it's totally possible- I can speak from experience.
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rykus9
Junior Member
Posts: 88
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Post by rykus9 on Apr 13, 2022 5:05:34 GMT
alexandra thank you, I am grateful to you for pointing this out. I think I was saying it in realizing I haven't felt safe in a shared space with a partner way. That for me even the thought of the person maybe being able to infringe on me raises my anxiety to extreme levels if I'm in a wierd headspace. I am seeing though how subconsciously I already am thinking the other/some new or intangible person could be a quick fix just in my wording. Good catch and very true. introvert thank you for sharing your progress and experiences, I am living with an extreme FA leaning anxious. I do love her it just been really rough and for too long. I know that wrapped in the hurt is a longing for a connection a quick fix in someone else when the real connection I need to build is in myself. Learning to meet my own needs, show up for myself and even learn to love me. I'm going to try to come back with more thoughts but thank you both again for the insights and support!
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Post by introvert on Apr 13, 2022 6:25:35 GMT
The best way for me to grow personally was to form connections with other people, safe people like friends and other associates, I didn't have the 'dependence on another person in the form of a partner' piece so much. So I did want connection but left relationships to get back to auto-regulation, to be safe, and to be alone (alone + safe felt synonymous to me).
Forming a connection with your therapist can be a great step, if as an avoidant you are needing to be seen and appreciated , supported and validated by another person. In an unhealthy state the reality is you would end up in another oppressive, unhappy connection where you couldn't get your needs met.
I know there are differences between FA and DA and the need to get with another person rather than be alone is more an FA thing. I did that once when I had been through a series of huge losses and was having trouble coping. Your series of stressors and losses could be pushing you there. So getting help with those real sources of pain might benefit you- it's not all just attachment, some of this stuff is other life stressors.
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