Just joined.

Hi rykus9! If you don't feel ready for therapy yet but are trying to learn more that you can do about your attachment style, anne12 has a lot of information posted here: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1071/healing-avoidant-da-attatchmentstyle

and you may want to check out Thais Gibson's free online videos on insecure attachment styles. I have a "recovering" DA friend IRL who they really helped out! That person is even in a stable long term relationship now. It's a game changer when you are ready to confront your pain.

Going to add more later but I just did the Dianne Poole Heller test and came out 33% FA 47%DA and 20% stable... what does that mean do you think?
So much stuff comes up when I read through a lot of the old threads it's crazy. I am remembering so much and a lot of it is kind of like yeah that was no ok, I was not ok with a lot that went on in my life that I detached and observed instead of reacting and healing or removing myself.

I guess I'll start with my childhood. I felt always like I had a good/normal childhood. Very remote living in a halfway renovated house.

I realize now I don't really remember much of anything about any interpersonal stuff with my family. Just things I did. Who my friends where. Daily activities. The layout of my area I roamed including buildings people old vehicles etc but nothing emotional at all.

I do remember some direct incidents. I was scolded and hit once for running across the rd a few times. My younger brother was pinching me and I asked him to stop then when he did it again I broke his nose which I got in trouble for, then I responded by waiting till later and smashing his face into the car.
I got in trouble playing "doctor" with my friends sister at about 4-6 range. I remember it because I got in trouble but the memory just resurfaced and now I wonder if I was abused before that. Seems like a learned behavior. I was never at the real doctor to my knowledge.
I have an incredible timeline of events in my life and can usually place music,TV,events etc to very close when they happened by thinking back to what was going on in my life but now when I think about it it is all very dry. I can think of the school I was in the people I knew what was happening but there is zero emotions attached.i can't think of how I felt except for some overall things like my parents separation. Realizing my mom had a new partner. Realizing my dad was emotionally equipped to handle being alone.

I moved schools a lot, my mom is a teacher so I went to where she taught then wherever was closest to home once she left my dad for a coworker. This basically taught me very fast how to figure out social hierarchy and avoid bullying. I could enter new groups and make friends fast and easy but always had people that resented that. My ability to not feed into those people helped a lot but even still in life I feel some people resent me and try to Sabotage my effort if I let them or they are able.

I moved out of home in high-school with a friend. I only had short volatile relationships until I was about 20. Before that it was 2-3 months not very intimate unless they tried and did the work. And then after I would feel like I still liked them if they rejected me or I would reject them and move on.i had 2 girls in particular I felt a long term lust for that would come in and get me feeling attached then date other people etc.

My first long term was very volatile. About 6 years on and off total. Very abusive as far as emotional stuff. Cheating. Fighting and breaking up. Strong emotions but weak physical attraction.

I realized after reading the DA love thing that I had often got hurt by partners where I didn't trust them so I would keep the turbulent horrible relationship going but be completely non sexual and have a second partner I had a light fun and sexual relationship with where I could be really open and bond with non of the relationship stress. If this relationship continues after the primary failed I would them withdraw more to my usual state of half attachment.

Seems like I choose FA partners that will chase enough to get to a sexual level. Break their trust by being secretive and/or unavailable. They cheat. I withdraw and feel unsafe sexually. I don't leave but try to fix myself with another person then blame the one I'm with for my dysfunction.

I also find it extremely hard to function when I'm in a state of stress, I then withdraw from the relationships I need to stay moving ahead with my life and business which compounds the effect till I'm just a broken mess. Then I can find it in myself or some ambition I have to be/do better and will Rocket forward, accomplish huge things. Set up easy to run systems that I can use to manage myself and work insane hours until I'm out of the hole, looking positive about myself and my life.

It seems when I do this I can come off as stable, successful etc but real stable people know and avoid my pursuits although limited. Seems there is a type of good-looking successful females I like that happen to be FA... and they seem to really like me. I always associated it with daddy issues or abuse because those relationships seemed a theme but now I realize they where all also strongly FA.

The last 5 years has been really hard for me. My primary residence (a house I was buying off my father that I grew up in as a teen and had all his hoarder stuff in it) burned yo the ground. I ended a painful 9 year "marriage". I almost had a child with my FA girlfriend whom I had been sleeping with as my marriage went bad... for 7 years. She had been molested as a child and was told she could never bear child at 12. Messed us both up. I left and almost had another child with a lady I just started sleeping with because I was so broken I thought I could be with her(she had always chased me a bit)

Now I'm just hitting a point where I need to do better or give up on a lot of thing in my life I put years of time and energy into. I love the life I built in some ways but it's also my self imposed impossible to maintain prison I move in alone and subject on people... the stress isn't normal. My work hours aren't normal. I watch people enter my world and go insane literally. Not because of me personally but just the work/lifestyle is all encompassing and most people don't want to live in it even if it seems cool at first.

Not really sure about therapy still.. just going to vent here for a bit and see what comes up.. its already a lot and very helpful so thank you all for your contributions.

I am realizing maybe too my fear is disgiesed as uncomfort. It makes me slightly uncomfortable to think about changing myself and how it would affect my life. Could I be me and function in my world as a whole person lol seems illogical when I type it out

You would read these results as you are fairly far down the FA spectrum and tend to lean avoidant rather than anxious (FAs can get triggered in either direction but tend to have a dominant side of the two, going anxious or avoidant). So, overall you have an FA insecure attachment style. As anne said, everyone is a mix and you may have a DA attachment with some family members and FA with others or maybe even be more secure with friends than family or romantic relationships.

Hi rykus9, I am a former member called introvert and I began most of the threads in this support forum for the last several months. I popped in to find a thread in the general forum that I've found helpful, to send to an acquaintance. I was surprised to see someone else posting in the SFDA forum.

I read through your posts and just want to encourage you that recovery from attachment insecurity is definitely possible for an avoidant. Also, have a good look and reflection on the FA /Disorganized style. A couple things stand out to me as a primary DA/secure- one is your hyper vigilance. As in, response to abrupt touch and also the scanning a potential partner with the techniques you described to try to suss them out. Those indicate a high awareness of danger and frankly as a DA I've been mostly obtuse about that, and lived with the understanding that risk isn't that big with the people because "I don't need them anyway and there isn't a way for them to swim to my island" type mantra. I mean, the touch response (fight flight) I understand is a reaction to danger in your nervous system... the testing is hyper vigilance to vulnerability where a DA operating as DA would probably tend more to dismiss the possibility of vulnerability and not be looking for safe ways to express it. I'm not sure I understand you correctly but just putting a bug in your ear- leah to the FA information to learn more about your hypervigilance.

Also, the ability to bond with and engage a second partner without ending the first entanglement speaks to me of an ability to dissociate enough to create and live in chaos which requires more interactive energy than I can imagine being able to sustain, especially as a pattern. So again your pattern speaks more to me of FA/disorganized with the chaos and intensity.

If you have questions specific to anything feel free to ask, I don't mind if it helps you find your direction. I have a couple questions of my own because I'm curious about a potential DA peer (they are practically non existent here haha).

Also, a word of friendly advice with an astringent but playful tone:

Stop d1cking around and find a therapist who works with attachment and trauma. It's worth the discomfort if you truly wish to evolve. Otherwise this can easily be a way to d1ck around some more and life is too short. I really hope I haven't offended and recognize that this is all new- and incredibly eye opening. The forum has been helpful to me. But avoidants need the practice of being present with another human and being able to get real with a compassionate human in the same physical space.

Just my three cents. Could have stopped at two but really, life gets a lot better when you do the work.

Went and saw my dad in the hospital today. He was doing some cancer treatment and got an infection so he's been on iv and my brother urged me to go in before the surgery. Feel kind of bad on my relationships with my brother especially. I moved out to my father's a year or two after my parents split. Didn't really like my moms BF and saw my dad as hurt and alone and drinking too much. I though maybe me moving in would help maybe but he is fully DA so although I think the responsibility maybe helped I was more with my friends for any bonding.

After that I guess I never was able to bond closely with my brother again and I think he didn't get affected by my parents split as much because he was younger(7 vs I was 10). But I realize he was probably more stable because of the bond to me where as I was more alone for the first 3 years, so when I left I think that was maybe harder on him.

One memory my parents told me about a few times was how my father woke up in the night to a noise, came out to find me crawling up the stairs. He told me when I saw him I got excited and stood with my arms up then tumbled and fell down the stairs.
I never really thought about this till all this but the house was unfinished with a plywood floor. My bedroom was in the basement so i crawled out of my room and up a 6 flight of stairs then up another bigger staircase all of unfinished plywood to try to find my parents, probably was a early trauma event. Not to mention it points as me not enjoying the distance.

I will seek therapy soon and I'm glad I can find a specific type for this of trauma. I always kind of bullied myself about my ways because I am close with friends who's early childhood makes mine look like a well adjusted stable paradise.

Another thing that came up about 4 years ago was one of my brothers best friends was all drunk and high at my really good friends house. I am 5 years of non drinking so probably only a few years then but sober. And he was going off about how fuct up my family is and how he's never heard anyone tell each other they loved another in the 30 years he knew my brother. But he was black out wasted saying matter of facts like I wasn't there, or maybe he forgot I was. Anyways I started saying it to my mom because it made her uncomfortable. At first I thought it was fun but now after a few years and she still can't tell me she loves me unless I say it first. My dad was way quicker to respond and would say it before me even maybe once or twice, but he hasn't ever phoned me that I can recall. Even on my birthdays it's usually his partner that will phone and say happy birthday or leave a msg. She is great. I think the only time I actually intentionally hurt my dad's feeling was after 20 years of them being together he was still complaining about my mom leaving in front of her and I pointed out how rude that was to both of us is less than pleasant terms.
To point out the utter ridiculous nature of his longing when my mom approached him in the grocer around this time and started talking to him he stopped her to ask where he knew her from lol yet her leaving and him finding an amazing supportive woman some how ruined his life.