Post by anne12 on Mar 28, 2022 6:30:53 GMT
The way forward - how do you heal your Ambivalent / nervous attachment pattern:
Stable, lasting relationships can heal you! All in all, a love you can count on in the long run. The spiritual can also be a great healing if you otherwise maintain grounding
Begin to look for signs that your partner wants contact and want the relationship with you, love you - instead of looking after your partner is there for too little. Check if your experience of the situation is realistic or colored by your "glasses" (convictions) as you see things through. What you are looking for is what you see! What you give attention is growing!
Exercise yourself to stay present in the moment, when you get love and care. Allow yourself to feel the things, that it brings up in you
Get to know yourself. Practice your needs and express them clearly. Practice takeing care 100% of yourself and your needs. Do not expect others to do this
Stop giving - Practice asking in a direct way instead! Also accept a no
Stop obsessive thoughts about others! Stop the thoughts that crush your head around him or her over and over again.
Stop thinking about what others think about you. If they even think of you, yes, they will in any case think what they are thinking. You nevertheless, are not able to change it. Use your energy better. Ask yourself instead: "What do I want?
Practice being present, present in the moment - both alone and when in contact with others. Learn to regulate your nervous system yourself. That means that you can - instead of needing another to help you get back to the precent: That you can land emotionally but also bodily on top of your floods from the past.
Face the reality: Relationship changes and sometimes they end! Understand that you can not control the love of another person, no matter how much you put your power into it!
Realize that you already deserve love - just because you are - it's your birthright ... that you do not have to do a lot or something destined to deserve love! On the contrary, go to therapy to come home for yourself! To heal the past so it does not flood you. To learn how to balance your "floods" with the help of your own efforts
If you are a male, it can be a good thing to work with you masculinity with a therapist.
An attatchment thearpist explains, that there are two types of ambivalent attatchment styles and how it is played out (both can show up in the same person, but there can be two types of ambivalent):
1: Putting your own needs to the side, forgetting about yourself ect. and "cater" your partner and her/his needs, thinking or saying ("what do you want, what do you like, wich restaurant do you want to go to...") - not voicing your own needs and what you want to do. Forgetting about your own needs and wants in life. (It is my own fault, there is something wrong with me). This type more feels sadness than anger.
2: Complaining about your partner - a bit angry, "why do you always leave your clothes on the floor", why do you always have to work", "if you just did this, then I would....", "you never do...", "You do not love me...." (It is your fault, that I do not get love). A lot of anger is often a sign, that they have been "droped" many times as children. Often they do not understand their own anger and neither do their partner.
Another relevant exercise is to have the client look at all the ways people in their lives try to show them love. The Five Languages of Love is a good reference. Have the person see if they dismiss or minimalize others’ love for them. It is helpful to point out how painful it may be for their partners or friends to have the love they offer deflected. I had that happen in my own life when my partner said how much he loved me and how much it hurt him that I could not seem to take it in. I initially felt insulted and was certain that he was wrong—until I took an honest look at myself and realized I did not feel deserving of love, and was determined to believe that his love could not be true.
Let me share another example of how painful this can be for an Anxiously-attached individual. I once had a friend share with me that when her boyfriend would turn over in his sleep away from her she would experience a terrible sense of abandonment and a severe sense of loss. She would lie in bed weeping even although she knew cognitively that he was simply turning in his sleep and not really leaving her.
It seems that this turning away was enough of a trigger to re-stimulate the intermittent reward patterning of the “here today, gone tomorrow” style of loving from unpredictable parents. This causes the child to be stressed while searching to attach to a moving target, never knowing when the rug will be pulled out from under them—even when the love was real and present for them because they could lose the love at any moment and not understand why. Instead of the parent’s interactions with the child increasing self or interactive regulation, the inconsistency actually increases the relational distress. This terrible unpredictability sets up a hyper-areness of the “other,” and an over-focus on looking for need satisfaction, nurturing, or external love.
Because of this pattern, the Anxiously-attached person remains anxious because they lose contact with themselves, in fact abandon themselves, and then try to get themselves back from other people. The obvious trouble lies in the fact that you can’t get yourself back from others. You get yourself back by learning to recognize or develop your sense of self and to stay connected to yourself in the first place—when alone and in the presence of others. You include yourself in the relational field rather than all of your attention flowing out into the other.
Anxiously-attached persons want interactive regulation and affect modulation with others and prefer not, or lack the capacity, to self soothe or self-regulate. Avoidantly- attached persons prefer the opposite. In Secure Attachment both can return to having self-regulation as well as interactive regulation and affect modulation in a harmonious way. This opens many more options for well-being.
Another exercise teaches clients how to stay connected to their inner self with greater ease as they learn to keep their sense of self intact when in the presence of others. This requires developing a dual awareness: one that does not eliminate the self but includes the other in the relational field without using manipulation.
Another paradox is that once you abandon yourself for another, you are in double trouble. When you leave YOU, you are, by definition, disconnected and abandoned. And in abandoning yourself, where are you going to go?
You can’t, in reality, leave yourself! REALLY, where are you going to go? Until we learn to stay connected to ourselves in the presence of others we are doomed to be and feel abandoned. We must recognize this pattern as an internalized map that came from early bonding deficits and repair connection to self and redefine connection to others so we do not continue to see the partner or other as the Source. It is a perceptual trick. Once you learn to stay connected to your inner core, you will naturally find it a stable, consistent source of nourishment and fulfillment, as well as finding contact nutrition from relationships outside of the self.
Post by anne12 on Mar 28, 2022 6:46:03 GMT
Another attatchment/SE therapist also suggests:
Methods to generally land the nervous system, for example, the water tank exercise (the instinktive level), felt sence exercise, getting into the now exercise.
Felt sensations are more important, than feeling the feelings when activated, as the ambivalent often gets overwhelmed by their own feelings!!
Methods to get more into the secure attachment style use "getting into secure attatchment" exercise.
Methods to heal some of the more specific events from childhood, that helped to form the pattern of the victimrole. Use the paradoxial change method and the "anger meditation" - Leonard Jacobsen/two chair exercise.
The watertank exercise
The watertank exercise:
All attatchmentstyles - also for the dismissive when they beging to come out of their numbness)
This exercise is developed by some of the leading attatchment/trauma/SE/body experts in the world:
Think of a lightning that connects to the ground.
If we are exposed to a chock or something that is overwhelming, adrenaline is released quickly and automatically a portion of energy in the body, so that we can fight or escape. If you have not had the opportunity to respond to the event, then that amount of energy can be locked in the body - you've got a trauma. This energy causes imbalance in the nervous system and can lead to various symptoms. Fortunately, you can free up the energy by unloading and regulating the nervous system.
If you do, you call it self-regulation. One of the ways you can do it, is based on the water tank model. One uses a water tank as a picture of the body. The water symbolizes the energy. The ambivalent / nervous and disorganized attatched has difficulty controlling the autonomic nervous system itself. So if you have any of these types of attatchmentstyles, it will be a great investment for you to train and use these "water tanks" activities. IT can help the ambivalent to stop overthinking ect At the same time, it will be hard for you to get flow in these exercises. Your nervous system typically needs a person who can already regulate himself. One with a more secure attachment or possibly a trauma therapist. When you know how to do it, you can practise everyday.
WATER TANK MODEL: If you fill more and more water in a water tank and it has no drainage, the pressure in the tank will rise and it may be close to bursting. What do you do? Well, you can drill holes in the water tank. In these holes you put water hoses to water out and water pressure may fall. Same with our body: When there is too much trauma energy in the body, the pressure / excitement rises. The water hoses can be compared to our arms and legs. This way, energy that is bound to the symptoms can leave the body. Then the pressure / tension decreases and the symptoms ease. In addition, the energy gets a larger space to distribute itself and the pressure / excitement becomes smaller.
However, the water hoses may be blogged, so that the water is difficult to drain.
Then clean the water hoses, so that the water can flow freely. Similarly, in the body can be found blockages in our arms and legs that prevent the free flow of energy. Typical blocking sites are in joints (especially knee).
It is therefore beneficial to move your joints quietly to loosen them and thus loosen the blockages. Rarely, energy can be blocked, where the nerve protrudes from the arms and legs.
That is, in the upper part of the back (arms) or at the lower back (legs). If you are having trouble feel the feelings in your arms and / or legs after you have loosened the joints - then the blockage presumably where the nerve originates from the spine.
Another way to get the energy flowing freely is by touch. The hardest part by this, is to remember to use it in the situation! The activity helped tsunami victims in India in 2004 to regulate their nervous system and get healed symptoms again after just an hour's SE trauma session including touch (there were no resources for multiple sessions). As there was acute trauma, the healing was obviously, clearer, faster and easier than if you have trauma of older date. Though you have no trauma, it will be a good activity to gain more ownership of the body and to to cope with more pressure and stress in your everyday life!
A locked survival energy in the body produces imbalance. As life naturally gives some knubs, the imbalance can gradually be so great that you develop symptoms. Like a pendulum that gets too much speed and can not settle by itself.
It gives much relief and an easier life when you get the frozen energy solved.
Sometimes you need the help of an (SE) trauma therapist before the energy can be landed properly.
Self regulation of ANS = the nerveus system (Watertankexersice) - mini exersice: Prevents the aftermath of chocks, stress ect. (All attatchmentstyles, but expecially good for AP´s, FA´s or people with some traits of AP or FA)
(give this exercise about 12 min. - after some practise you can do it faster)
Sit on a hard chair, breathe in and out 3 times. Feel the chair supporting you, feel your sitbones, thies, legs and feet. If you cant feel your seat knots, move your hips from side to side. Move your feet, toes. If you can not feel your feet, move your toes and feet. You can lift your leg and puch your leg out one by one (like a child being born on the way out of the birth canal). Sence the sensations. Feel your seat knots, legs and feet. Can you feel the rest of your body? It is okay if you can not feel the rest of your body. Rest your arms on your thies. Feel your arms your underarm and the upper arm. Then feel your hands. If you can not feel your hands, move your fingers. Look at your hand palms and move your fingers. Let the energy/sensations move down through your arms and legs.
Notice your body - the shift in your body and in your breathing.
Maybe you feel heat or cold that runs out through your arms and hands or/and legs and feet, or a shaking, leaning, vibrate or electricity, champange bobbles, tingeling ect. Also feel what effect it has on the rest of the body: the stomach, chest, breathing etc. (Is there more room than before? Or easier? Has it cleared?)
What effect does it have on your mood? (Have you arrived more into the precent? Easier? When you get more in touch with yourself, you may also become more sad, angry ect...)
What effect does it have on your thoughts? (Are they quieter?)
If you can´t get the enegy moving, your joints can be blocked. Look at the decription below, on how to release the blocks.
Self-regulation - legs:
You do not have to close your eyes. You only need that, if you find it hard to feel something. If you are used to meditate and / or feel the body, it is best that you have your eyes open and have 70% of your attention to the body. Then, the body can do a lot better work, because you do not disturb it (by trying to control the energy and the body). You can read the instructions as you do the activity.
Brand means in this context that you send your attention to the given area, and
just curiously register as objectively as possible, what you sense. Just do not try to relax
or feel something specific or analyze what you feel or why.
· Start by feeling your legs and feet. As a woman, it is also beneficial to feel the sead knots
(women usually ground through this part of the body)
· Move the toes and feet (one foot at a time) slightly while you feel your feet
· Then feel both feet and legs
· Has it been easier to feel your feet and legs?
· You can move your feet a little more
· Move your knees back and forth, one at a time - as you simply feel
· Notice the legs and feet again
· Move the hip joint one at a time
· Feel legs and feet
· Maybe you feel heat or cold that runs out through your legs and feet or a shaking, leaning,
vibrate or electricity, or that the anxiety leaves the body
· Feel both legs and feet, AND at the same time what effect it has on the rest of the body: The stomach, chest, breathing etc. (Is there more room than before? Or easier? Has it cleared?)
· What effect does it have on your mood? (Have you gotten more present? Were easier? Then you get more in touch with yourself but you can also get more sad, angry or ...)
· What effect does it have on your thoughts? (Are they quieter?)
· If you still do not feel, repeat the movement of the different joints sometimes quietly and with attention
o Test it with eyes closed
o Help your body awareness by putting your hands on the joints
o It may be quite effective to do the activity together with others, especially if they are good at
beeing be present and pay attention to their own body
o If you have used this activity for a few days, and still do not feel anything, then there can be
a blockage in the nerve at its source (lower back)
Self-regulation - arms:
You do not have to close your eyes. You only need that if you find it hard to feel something. If you are used to To meditate and / or feel the body, it's best that you have open eyes and only use approx. 70% off your attention to the body. You can read the instructions as you do the activity. Brand still means that you send your attention to the given area, and just curiously register as objectively as possible what you sense. Do not try to relax or feel something specific or analyze what you feel or why.
· Start by feeling your arms and hands
· Look at your hands and move your fingers
· Move the wrist (one at a time) as you feel your hands
· Then feel both arms and hands again
· Has it been easier to feel them?
· You can move your hands a bit more - look at them too!
· Move the elbows back and forth, one at a time - as you simply feel
· Notice arms and hands again
· Move the shoulder joint one at a time
· Feel arms and hands
· Maybe you feel heat or cold that runs out through your arms and hands or a shaking, leaning,
vibrate or electricity
· Now feel both arms and hands, AND at the same time what effect it has on the rest of the body: the stomach, chest, breathing etc. (Is there more room than before? Or easier? Has it cleared?)
· What effect does it have on your mood? (Have you arrived more? Easier? When you get more in touch with yourself, you may also become more sad, angry or angry ...)
· What effect does it have on your thoughts? (Are they quieter?)
· If you still do not feel, repeat the movement of the different joints sometimes quietly and with attention
o Test it with eyes closed
o Help your body awareness by putting your hands on the joints
o It may be quite effective to do the activity together with others, especially if they are good at beeing precent and in their body
Be present and pay attention to the body
o Use this activity for some days. If it dosent work, there is probably a blockage in the nerve at its source (upper part of the spine)
Then do the water tank exercise (the first exercise) again:
Sit on a hard chair, feel the chair supporting you, feel your seat knots, legs and feet. Move your feet, toes. Rest your arms on your thies. Feel your arms and hands. Look at your hand palms and move your fingers. Let the energy/sensations move down through your arms and legs. Notice the shift in your body and when your breathing gets more relaxed.
Just accept the different sensations in your body. Accept the feeling that comes up. How does it feel to be you right now.
You can use the exercise if you can feel that you are going to cry. Also you can use it to stop overthinking, stress ect.
When you know the exercise well, you can use it anywhere - the short version. (Sitting bones, legs and feet grounding and wickle your toes). (Its energy work and not meditation)
Post by anne12 on Mar 28, 2022 6:59:14 GMT
EXERCISE: My Consistent and Predictable People
Start by grounding yourself in a comfortable spot. Feel your feet as you press them into the ﬂoor and pay attention to all the sensations that arise as you sit in your chair. Drop into your seat, relax, and let the chair support you. You don’t have to do anything else—the ﬂoor supports your feet, and the chair keeps you upright. Relax into these sensations for a couple of minutes.
Now scan your relationship history for people who’ve had a significant inﬂuence on you—family, friends, mentors, or teachers. Pay particular attention to anyone who’s been there for you over the years in a reliable way. I’m not talking about people who have been perfect, just those who have been somewhat reliable. Find someone with whom you feel a level of trust, even if you haven’t heard from them in years. This is a person that as soon as you see their face or hear their voice, you feel a sense of undisturbed connection—you know this person supports you and always will. You never have to try to be more than what you are with this person. They’re present for you, they love you, and they believe in you.
If you haven’t had people in your life fill this role particularly well, start with what you have and choose the one who comes closest. Alternatively, you can design the ideal consistent and reliable person to use in this exercise. Or if you know several people who fit this description, start with just one of them. You can add more along the way if you’d like.
How do you feel when you imagine this person? What happens in your body? Notice any signs of relaxation or regulation. Maybe you feel a bit warmer than you did before, or perhaps you are breathing more deeply and evenly. What do your shoulders feel like? Note any changes around your heart and in the muscles of your face. Pay close attention to which part of your body relaxes the most. The attachment system is held in the body, so we want to note what happens here. You can also pay attention to anything that comes up emotionally. Maybe it’s a love for this person, or perhaps you feel safe and contained, or maybe you note a sweet sadness. As best you can, feel all aspects of what it’s like to be in the presence of this consistent, reliable, loving person.
This exercise may bring up memories of a person you’ve lost. If so, give yourself time to grieve—and realize that grieving shows that you have the capacity to love and connect deeply.
After you finish this exercise, write a few notes about who came up in this practice and what happened as you imagined that person. Describe what occurred in your internal movie. Maybe you felt diﬀerent responses to people as you scanned through your relationships. In the future, try this exercise with someone else in mind and see what comes up for you."
Diane Poole Heller
Post by anne12 on Mar 28, 2022 7:12:05 GMT
Why do anger exercises ?
It works on the instinktive level - below the heart chakra = solar plexus, root chakra and hara chakra.
Unfortunately, there are many spiritual people who skip or displace their 3 lowest chakras. It's a shame, because with the 3 integrated, the top 3 can unfold fully when the heart is allowed to create balance between top and bottom!
The intention :
When we use anger meditation, the intention is to create a transformation of anger - NOT of the person who we are angry with.
Since energy follows intention, the energy will NOT hit the person on whom you practice anger meditation!
The body has to keep the anger until it can flow through
We work with the anger that is already stored in the body! So what we do energetically is that we very briefly give the body / the instinctive level the opportunity to release and transform the already existing anger in the body back to life energy and get out of powerlessness and into control / free choice. Anger that may have been there for 40-50-60 years!
Even if you do not have conscious thoughts or feel the anger in everyday life, the body has still carried it around.
When is the method used?
Anger meditation is especially good for ambivalent / nervous attatched. whereas dismissives will find it strange. Disorganized people can also benefit from it, but can become overwhelmed. They typically need one or more competent protectors along the way.
The meditation is used for 30 days, 5-10 minutes every day and then as needed.
Ie. every time you get annoyed, angry, upset or you resign.
In short, the method involves taking back your power, your vitality and energy. The ambivalent is a master at being in the role of victim.
The way back to rest in oneself and be safe in love and life in general is to take ownership of anger (power), not to use it to have power over anyone, but to stand by oneself and rest in oneself .
Anger is one of the most misunderstood and thus mistreated in our modern life.
When we talk about anger, there are two important misconceptions that need to be deleated:
- That you have to get rid of anger
- That you have to get rid of the anger by acting out
Both misunderstandings very often lead to the fact that if you practice them, you get a moment where you feel stronger. But in the long run, the two misunderstandings actually build up anger, and worst of all, strengthen the victim role.
In the case of the disorganized attachment pattern, there is a high risk of building up the trauma energy, rather than reducing it. It's like peeing in your pants to keep warm. Immediately nice, but then later much more uncomfortable.
The ambivalent / nervous attached will typically try to change others with anger or come to turn the anger towards themselves and thereby lose their self-esteem.
Both are dead ends.
Two chair angeexercise:r
Put your ex or another person on a chair in your room.
Your body decides how far away you want the person.
If you are scared of the person you can bring in resources, e.g. 2 policemen/2 members from hells angels who can stand on each side of the person.
If it is a weak person you can bring in resources e.g. the persons parents, partner, angels ect. to stand by the person.
You can also bring in resources for yourself. Imagine a grandmother, animals, your children, a friend, your therapist to stand by your side.
Do the two chair exercise.
Say out loud: (even if IT feels wierd)
What did He say, do, dident do, dident say ?
Do not Make assumptions, because This puts you in the victim role. You cant REALLY know what the other was Thinking, why the other person did what her/she did.
I am angry at You That You never answared when I asked You about xxxx
I am angry at You about All the times You just left the room when I was talkning to you
I am angry at You That You critised my looks
I am angry at You All the times That You asked me why do You do This and That...
How does IT feel in your Body eg is your Heart pondering, your stomac, your throath ect.
Stay with the sensations.
2) Then allow your Body to do what the body wants You to do.(kick, push, spit, shake ect.)
Say: "I am so angry at You That I just want to shake You..." Do the movement in slowmotion. Or hit him in slowmotion.
How does IT feel in your Body now?
Is there a Shift in your Body/in your breathing ?
Then You Will Get back into Power.
Its a process You can use as a detox 5-10 minutters every Day for 30 Days.
This connects to your unconcious.
Be precise, concrete, Be carefull That You do not talk as a victim.
If This exercise builds Up your anger after one week, then look at your sentences and change Them.
IT is just about getting started.....
Before getting started You can say to the sadness, That IT is okay, sadness You are allowed to Be here right now That You are here...ect.
Okay worry You are also allowed to Be here right Now
Okay anger You are allowed to Be here right now.
Just allow what ever feeling/sensation That is coming up.
This exercise Will Get your nerveussystem to land and release some of your lifeenergy.
Anger is just natural, when we do not Get our needs met or we do not set our boundaries respected.
Do You think one of your Friends would Be angry if they were You ?
IT is not about rage, hitting pillows, screaming ect. This Will only build Up more anger, and IT is not about building Up anger But about Get IT transformed into lifeenergy.
IT can Be like poison if You are angry at yourself and IT can drain your lifeenergy. Every time You are getting angry at yourself do the above exercise instead
You can also think about what have happend earlier in You life, that made You allow being treated This way. What is your own history...
Also use This exercise with other People - your Friends, You boss, your parents even your kids.
If You are getting overwhelmed or starting feeling some angst/anxiaty, pause and do the water tank exercise. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/31863/
We do not heal when we are getting overwhelmed.
Be aware of your breathing, grunding to the chair with your sitting bones, legs and feet in the floor. Fell the sensations in your body, the shift in you breathing aso.
Maybe the person in the chair changes into one of your parents! Do the exersice again with one of your parents. One parent at a time. Again if you need to set a boundarie, use your hand and arm in slow motion.
3) After these exercises, maybe (and hopefully) you will get the feeling in the body, that you want to reach out. Do it with your hands and arms reaching out like a todler/a baby would do, while imagening the person sitting in front of you. This exersice makes you being able to reach out for what you want in your life and in your lovelife.
If now the other would / could do anything the body could think of, what would the body want from him / her?
Imagine that you get something from the other person what your body would like to recieve.
Feel it in the body
Integrate the feeling into the body = Give the body all the time it needs to absorb this state. Let it into every little cell
If you are getting tired, if the exercise dosent work because the other person dosent react, you can just say: And right here you are just hopeless. And Then sence what happens in your body.
Remember 5-10 minutes every day for 30 days
What to do if you start to cry when doing this exercise .`?
Tears are ALWAYS welcome. If they get you away from the anger, you can spend a moment allowing them to be there but not decide and then return to the anger.
Tears can be a sign of Grief, Missing, longing, lack of fulfillment of needs e.g. to feel loved, Compassion (with oneself), A way to get rid of overwhelm / tension in the nervous system, Abandonment (that the other is hopeless)
Some people get tears when they get (very) angry - it is a way for the nervous system to regulate the tension
Post by anne12 on Mar 28, 2022 7:23:58 GMT
Play with the senses exersice: (all attatchmentstyles)
This is an effective way to get into the precent!
It can also train your sensuality, and it's so valuable in your love life!
The sense of sight:
· Close your eyes and put your hands over your eyes for a moment. Feel the eyes and the little muscles around the eyes
· Remove hands and open your eyes slowly
· Let your eyes look gently wherever they want. Do not stare, but let the visual impressions come to you
· Just notice, that you are letting your eyes look, wherever they want
· Use "looking gently" in your everyday life!
· Notice the sounds around you without straining you. Let the sounds come to
· Just "watch" the sounds. You should not analyze, what they are or why, or if you
like them or not
· What do you notice right now inside you?
· Use your attention when you eat and drink (also, yes, especially your
snacks, sweets, snacks, and beverages)
· Do not do anything when you have something in your mouth! So no TV, PC or
reading. Also try to eat in between without talking
· Notice what you have in your mouth. How does it feel in the mouth and with
tongue. How are you biting? How does it taste?
The sense of smell:
· Stitch your nose in everything around you and smell. What does it smell like?
· The world is rich in fragrances. Examine them and do not limit yourself to assess,
what you like and do not like. Smell to yourself, others and everything around you ...
The sense of touch:
· Examine everything around you: How does this feel when I touch it? Is it
soft, hard, hot, cold, clumsy, sticky etc.
· How does it feel on different parts of the body: the hands, lips and perhaps other areas of your body?
· Also notice the air against your skin, for example the face and perhaps the arms
Post by anne12 on Mar 28, 2022 7:37:28 GMT
The paradoxical change technique
is, in short, that you are in favor of what is right now. For example, you accept yourself, your thoughts, reactions, and feelings as they are in this second, whether positive, negative, or neutral!
It is perceived as self-love and increases your self-esteem and foundation.
So when you stand by yourself, you get more strength!
From here, the negative things have the opportunity to change, and they will typically do so.
We think, to escape our feelings. If you want to stop thinking and return to Presence, then feel your feelings - Leonard Jacobson
Positive thinking and self-esteem
Positive psychology has crowned days at present. We must think positively - also about the negative things! At least there are many who believe.
If you've seen the movie The Secret, you hardly dare think and then don't even feel a touch of negativity. Because then that's what you attract more of….
It is excellent to look at the positive!
Who would rather not feel the light, bright and delicious vibrations from positive thoughts and emotions - than the heavier, dark, almost sticky ones?
Polarity, wholeness and self-esteem
But, but: The problem is that the positive is only one half of the whole. The other part is negative. It belongs to the whole.
If you MUST think positively - and have it negative - it will drain your self-esteem. Because then you're in Burde-land.
If you focus solely on one pole then you create imbalance in mind and body! You create a state of tension if the negative is kept away from consciousness, but still exists in the unconscious.
This creates an imbalance that over time can create poor self-esteem and negative emotional outbreaks (the positive bubble / illusion bursts), stress, depression or even physical symptoms such as headaches and other kind of pain.
Do a little exercise right now:
Think of something that happened once that was negative for you. Choose something that is manageable. If the scale goes from 1-10, where 10 is the most negative, then choose something from 5-6
Them think positively about this incident. Think really positive and positive and positive! Give all your attention and energy to think positively if it happened
Now notice your feelings, your mood
Then do this exercise:
Think of the same incident
Ask yourself, “How has this strengthened me? How has this affected my abilities and choices so that I can better give what I give to the world today? How has this helped me to have the resources I have today? What has this taught me? "
What do you notice now? What mood does this give you?
How to get into your center and rest in yourself
Negative emotions indicate that your perception of the situation is inadequate, that you do not see the whole picture. This applies to a great extent in the relationship, where one often forgets to see things from the other's perspective.
Stop! Of course, I recognize your grief, anger and pain when you have experienced difficult things!
Here you have a way to handle these negative feelings, experiences and thoughts:
The first step is that you allow yourself to feel your feelings. That you use the paradoxical change method. Directly to the feeling, the thought or the reaction - just inside yourself:
"It's ok, you are allowed to be here right now"
The next step is to see the whole picture.
Perhaps you usually compare the situation with how you think it should be.
Or maybe you have just learned to focus on the positive. You can therefore ignore the things that are actually negative and may require you to act on them.
By allowing you BOTH the negative and positive aspects - then you can enter your center, where you are in balance and can have the greatest strength, self-esteem and love!
Home assignment for the next 21 days
The paradoxical change method:
Contact yourself (your heart) at least 3xday. Give what is allowed to be there. It can be body sensations, tensions, pain, feelings, thoughts, moods and resistance to these.
Tell it just inside yourself:
"It's okay, you / you are allowed be here right now!"
If you feel resistance accepting your feeling/inner state say to the resistance: "It's okay resistance, you are allowed to be here right now",
if you've got resistance to the resistance say "Okay resistance to the resistance you are also allowed to be here right now"
You can set an alarm on your mobile so you remember to check in with yourself.
It trains your compassion with yourself (and others)
It trains your self-esteem
It trains your love abilities
21 days is what it takes at least to make a new habit.
Allow the feeling to be there right now and accept how ever you are feeling and what you are thinking - also if you think that you should feel differently.
Excaterate what ever that gives you the feeling:
Ex you think/feel that your partner is abandoning you/dissapointening you:
Say out loud:
"I want you to be here with me ALL the time. I want you to be avaliable for me all the time and not avaliable for other people or your work. I do not want you to think about anybody else or anything else than me!"
Feel it in your body and in your mind.
How does it feel to say this out loud ?
Often times you will feel a shift and things will start to change if you do the exercise wholeheartedly.
But not because you want to change your negative emotions but because you want to stand by yourself.
This is where your power and your inner harmony lies.
And from here your negative beliefs can start to shift. They will do this the moment that you accept them.
Post by anne12 on Mar 28, 2022 8:30:30 GMT
Healing your broken heart: (all attatchment styles)
Sometimes it can also bee a good thing, to heal a broken heart, before the person can move on.
There is something called "broken heart syndrome".
Put your hand on your heart and comfort your heart.
Also comfort your inner child.
The AP lost their first love (their parents) in the on again/off again dynamic so there is some grief from their childhood. Also from earlier relationships in their life ect.
Work with a broken heart in 3 levels:
The mental/the cognetive level:
What has happend in the relationship, why did it end, what is my own tribute, what is my ex´s tribute. There can be anger, sadness ect. It can be that, you diden´t had the chance to repair, because you or your ex ended the relationship. It can be from an old relationship from many years ago. Women often walk alone with their thougts, and suddenly they can end the relationsship, which gives your partner a chock. Even if it was you, who ended the relatiohsship, your heart can be broken.
Death, if you or your partner cheated ect. can cause a broken heart.
The emotional level:
Exercise: Think of your ex boyfriend/ex girlfriend. Maybe you know which hartbreake, that blocks you from moving on. Say the persons name out loud. What happens in your your body? - sensations/feelings? In your stomac, your heart, your throath ect.? The body never lies. Your body will tell you, how you feel. (The avoidant can have trouble feeling the feelings)
The instinctive level:
(unconsious level- survivel instincts - reptile part of the brain) The body and the nerveussystem. Fight, flight, freeze. When you can not fight or flee, you go into freeze mode.
Your attatchment style, shows how you bond. This part of the brain, chooses who you attract. As a child, you do not choose your attatchment style.
What is love: Calming, relaxing, happyness, loving, carring ect ? Or fear, abandoment, overwhelming, unpredictable, needyness, crossing of boundaries, shame, not safe ect. ?
Look at the watertank exercise. Release the pressure and the blocks in the nerveussystem to move on.
Treat you heart as an broken arm:
Put it in a bandage.
Give your heart some rest - do not date again too soon, but go throug a grieveing proces aso. It can take some time.
Open your heart slowly, and train your heart muscle again by trying dating ect.
(You can work with a therapist on this.)
Post by anne12 on Mar 29, 2022 4:47:30 GMT
Remember you have a choise
A good sentence for the ambivalent to say to themselves:
What goes wrong for many is that they let others decide their feelings, inner states and external actions.
Not intentionally, but completely unconscious. The auto pilot takes over and creates internal turmoil and often external turmoil.
When we let others decide on our feelings, inner states and external actions, it typically happens completely unconsciously and based on one's inner work models. These are the ways we perceive others and ourselves and how we handle this situation.
People, with ambivalent attachment, are particularly vulnerable to others deciding their feelings, inner states and external actions.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
These automotive patterns - can be managed to a certain extent by placing a conscious choice between impact and response.
For example, a person could have asked himself:
What do I want. Him?
Or what good reasons could he have for not responding as fast as I wish?
How can I be affectionate to myself, whether he writes or not?
Or she could have decided to focus on something else, even if it would be difficult for her.
Stop the thought as soon as it approaches ... do something physical or read something, sometimes it may be helpful to get the nervous system to land - also by the watertank exercise.
You can start doing this immediately. Type it down:
Many times daily - that's every time there's something you're reacting to either because of others or your own internal judge - say to yourself: “I choose to ...”
Put yellow post-it notes around your home and at your work, where it says" I choose to ..." - so that you remember this.
Then you train that muscle to put an active choice, so that others do not have as much control over you.
(Stephen Covey's book 7 good habits.)
An attatchment, SE, therapist
Post by anne12 on Mar 29, 2022 5:03:36 GMT
If you are a pleaser:
Get out of the clamp of pressure and expectations.
Release expectations that you think others have for you, but that is your own expectations for yourself.
Practice giving yourself freedom and space. It is not about burning other people off and being indifferent to obligations, etc.
It's just about standing by yourself and your choices.
Pracitise "dissapointing" other people.
A person who rests in himself and who is at home with himself, is a very interesting and rewarding company. If you have left yourself, it´s like giving the keys to your house, to your partner, and when the partner drops by for a visit, it´s like nobody is at home/there is nobody to in the house. And how fun is that ? .
If you let the other person rule their own life and you let go of control, and you surrender yourself to the present moment and let your partner do what he/she finds best, then the masculine and feminine energy can flow freely between the masculine and the feminine pole.
For a while, you can practise to only help others, when they have asked you to. Or you can ask "Do you need any help from me?" (Helping without beeing asked, can make you cross other peoples boundaries - and do you really want to be that type of person? What would you think, if other people, did that to you?)
Whenever you get the urge to help, you should ask yourself, "If I never receive credit or thanks for this favor, do I still want to grant it?"
Post by anne12 on Mar 29, 2022 18:38:32 GMT
There are 3 systems running when making love:
When having sex, the tension in ans increases. This can trigger trauma as trauma connects with intensity
Therefore it can be a good idea to investigate your relationship to having sex ect.
Attachment, sexuality and trauma:
Examine yourself as a sexual being.
Examine how you have been influenced by your childhood and family.
• How hard is it for you to talk about sex? Does it make sense how your parents felt about sexuality?
• Do you talk to friends about your sexual experiences, e.g. how are your orgasms? If not, how can it be?
• How did your parents behave in relation to your sexual explorations?
• Was there permission to be curious about body and sexuality?
• Did your family have secure boundaries? Had your parents a natural (casual) relationship to sensuality and sexuality?
• Was there guidance from the elderly? Did you get friendly answers to your questions about sex?
• How was nudity perceived in your family? How do you feel being naked - how are you doing with your body?
• Did you learn confusing religious attitudes toward sex?
• Did you have a natural sexual development during puberty?
• Were there any stages of sexual development? eg. lacks flirtation in many who have been subjected to early incest and abuse
• How did your mother react or your father that you became a sexually active creature?
• Did one or both of your parents behave inappropriately / badly? How? Has this been healed?
• Did your father retire when you became sexually mature and sexually attractive?
• Were you celebrated or shamed in your new sexual identity?
• Did you feel open and alive or scared and shut down during your puberty?
• Is there a sexual or sensual experience that you remember as particularly crucial?
• What happens when you think of your first kiss? (sensations, moods, associations, feelings)
• How was your sexual debut? Beautiful? Daunting? Exciting? Delicious? Unpleasant? Confusing? Other things? o Were you ready? o Was it the right partner? o Was it as you had hoped or believed? • Is there anything you wish had been different?
• Is there anything you want to bring back with you from your early youth?
Overall, How do you convert Secure attatchment; SEXSUALITY; SENSUALITY AND INTIMACY in couples relationship:
• When you are considering having sex, what do you get from
• Which is harder: talking about sex or having sex?
• Is there a difference between loving and having sex?
• Do you prefer hugs and emotional touch?
• Are you open to spooning?
• Do you sometimes feel sexually aroused?
• Do you have periods where you do not bother to be sexual?
• Do you experience that you have traumas related to being sexual?
• Have you experimented with tantra sex, where you allow your bodies to build the energy up slowly with rhythmic waves of ignition and short pauses to get even higher tension in orgasm?
• Can you have orgasms? ( many women can not, or do not think they can, because all forms of orgasm other than clitoral orgasm can be more subtle and distributed)
• What are your favorite positions?
• Do you feel free to make lots of noises during lovemaking?
• Do you masturbate?
• Can you find your own source of enjoyment?
• How do you build your erotic energy?
• What helps you feel safe and connected with a partner?
• With whom have you felt most attractive / confused / tense / creative / legend / investigative?
• Who have you been most attracted to / confused / tense / creative / playful / investigating?
• What part of your sexuality would you like to get rid of with / repeat / have more available?
• Which movies or books have had a positive effect on your sexuality?
• Do you prefer food, TV or sex
Post by anne12 on Mar 29, 2022 18:39:29 GMT
The preocuppied ambivalent and sex - do you use sex as comfort ?:
Confusing Sex and Love::
Often, individuals with Ambivalent/Anxious Attachment adaptation crave true intimacy but use sex as a means to feel loved. During adolescence, this may present as a promiscuous teen searching for Secure Attachment lacking in their childhood and caregiver relationships.
The desperate need to feel constantly reassured and validated, even through false means, can temporarily provide reassurance, but may quickly fade once they are separated from their sexual partner, generating even more anxiety than before."
(Diane Poole Heller)
A sextherapist/therapist says:
If you use sex to feel desired and appreciated, you use sex as comfort.
The dominant feelings are not lust and love, but anxiety, nervousness and the fear of being abandoned. So your primary wish is not pleasure, but security and confirmation. Sex is only a way to get this.
When you use sex as comfort, it has negative consequences, which in time can destroy both your sex and love life.
The classic example: The woman who exchanges sex for love.
In my work as a sexologist and a therapist, I often meet couples where the woman feels the pressure to have sex for the sake of the husband. She lacks love and attention, but the only way she can awaken the man's interest is to agree to sex.
On the other hand, the man is hard at showing soreness and emotion. For him, sex is the place he's easiest to open.
Both the woman and the man therefore use sex to achieve something else.
The basic problem: Insecure attachment
It all starts with lack of confidence in the relationship. If you are basically angry with your attatchment pattern, you doubt your partner and your relationship. You are unsure whether you can rely on your partner's love, interest and attention. The more unsafe your pattern is, the more you doubt.
If your connection pattern is nervous, you are worried about small signs of problems in the relationship. Your automated response is to reach out for your partner to make contact and confirm. Here, sex can be a way of getting attention and love.
If you only experience peace of mind in connection with sex, sex becomes obsessive. For example, if you've been scolding with your partner, you can push yourself to sex to create emotional contact and clean the air ("reconciliation"). Sex is no longer a source of joy, pleasure and love, but a way to conceal anxiety and nervousness.
Forced sex destroys the desire for physical intimacy, because sex and concern do not harmonize with each other. And when sex life suffers, it goes beyond the relationship.
Captive sex does not create emotional intimacy. Although there are lots of strong emotions involved in the sexual act, there is no real closeness and thus the relationship also loses one of its most important sources of cohesion, which of course has negative consequences.
Do you use sex as comfort?
Perhaps you use sex as comfort without knowing it. Sex life can easily be experienced intensely and well, though it is not really driven by desire and love. Perhaps you do not know other ways of having sex and do not think it's a problem? Or maybe you've just forgotten how it feels like having sex because you really really want to?
If in doubt, consider what you long for: Sex, loving touches or something completely third?
How to get a sex life based on enjoyment;
The best recipe for a sex life cleaned for comfort is to create peace of mind in your relationship. Confidence means that you dare to ask for what you really want, ie. You dare to say no to sex, and instead ask for a hug and get around.
Adding a safe behavior pattern is a big thing that requires hard work, but the reward is similarly high.
You become comfortable, when you find, that your partner wants you and that you are emotionally connected. When you feel connected, you are safe and you dare to be vulnerable and ask to get your needs met. The most important ways to create emotional connection are to be emotionally accessible to each other and to prioritize deep conversations.
While working on learning a safe behavior pattern, try to change your sexual habits.
For example, you can start by giving priority to loving physical touch every day, ie. hold hands, hug, lie close on the sofa, etc. In this way you will find that you can get the most without first offering sex. It may even be a good idea to completely avoid sex for a period of time, so you do not fall back in a negative pattern.
You can read more about sex as comfort in Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight.