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Post by elizabeth on Jul 14, 2022 17:53:56 GMT
I think I just need to vent. Hope it`s ok.
As the time draws closer that I will be moving in with my boyfriend, I am getting even worse waves of anxiety. I am reading too much into everything he does, and feel like I am shutting down emotionally. I kind of feel like he is too. He is coming to visit this weekend, we talked last night, but there was no energy or excitement at all. I know he was tired from work and I was feeling a bit insular too. He has just seemed kind of flat lately, and I guess so have I. He is working away in a different city and has seemed kind of cold since he has been there, but he probably isnt, I am just interpreting things incorrectly. It is so hard with long distance, you can read or perceive texts completely differently than how they are written. I am so exhausted of overthinking everything.
I am just so so so effing tired of worrying all the time about my relationship, whether it will last, whether we will be happy living together or whether I will give up my whole life to be with him and start over only to find the whole thing comes crashing down. It feels like a huge risk. When he is warm and loving, it all makes sense, but I cant even feel any love right now because I am more consumed with the worry that this is what relationships are like for me, moments of joy surrounded by constant worry and fear and overthinking. I can really make myself absolutely miserable. I dont feel like he is excited to see me this weekend, I dont feel anything, and I dont know if it is him or me or both or what. I feel like I cannot make independent moves forward anymore because I am moving soon and I will be a couple and feel that my life here is just winding down. I usually cope with anxiety by visualizing my future and making plans, but this is something I have always done as a single person, and I keep thinking I dont really want to start doing things to get more involved in my life here because it will be over in a few months when I go be with him. I havent lived with anyone in over 20 years, and I am moving into his territory, into his home, and I am petrified about it sometimes.
I still feel guilty for him stopping talking to his ex just because it freaked me out. Even though that was how he chose to deal with it, I just feel like all of that episode's outcomes are finally sinking in to him, and that he just feels obligated to me and is falling out of love with me. I feel like I have lost myself at the moment, I just feel like crying and I dont want to end my relationship and at the same time, I am so scared of feeling like this for the rest of my life. Maybe it's hormones, maybe I am crazy, I dont know. I just know I only feel 'safe' when I am relying on myself and I am giving up all my little life I have built here to go be with him in his world. As soon as I perceive some pulling away from him, I just think 'F*** it - why am I doing this?' and all my good feelings just shut down, and our whole plan doesnt make sense anymore. This internal volatility is wrecking my nervous system. Outwardly I am just trying to act like everything is fine. Why isnt it fine? It is, isnt it? What is wrong with me?
Maybe some people are just better off alone, I dont know. All I know is it feels like I cant live feeling like this every single day, and worrying constantly, I wake up feeling worried, from the moment I open my eyes. But I also know I am too far in it with him, because I love him, and so I feel caught in between the lesser of two terrified things. I dont want to lose him, but I dont want to be this ball of anxiety.
Thanks for listening.
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Post by introvert on Jul 14, 2022 18:04:45 GMT
Well, going from long distance to live-in is an extreme shift, and possibly not the best plan. I think it would freak anybody out. It doesn't allow time to integrate or acclimate or even experience the growth of a relationship. It's a huge step even for people who have been sharing a relationship in proximity.
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Post by introvert on Jul 14, 2022 18:05:40 GMT
Maybe you guys should re-evaluate the plan. Not the relationship, the next step.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 14, 2022 18:53:56 GMT
elizabeth, this sounds like really typical FA struggling. I'd even venture to say your perception of how he chose to stop talking to his ex and now it's sinking in and he feels obligated in a negative way is you projecting your own feelings about the relationship and moving fears. It's not that he feels that way but you feel that way so you're assuming he would feel the same way you do. And FA are somewhat disconnected from their feelings and needs, and anxious leaning aspects of attachment make people with AP or FA style other-focused when they get overwhelmed with sorting through (and minimizing) their own needs and feelings. So projection can easily follow while feeling like the truth. What this all sounds like to me more than anything is fear of engulfment kicking in. You're in a panic that moving means a new life that you're not fully in control of, and you don't have enough trust in yourself to be confident that you will be okay no matter how that works out. Although FA, and often AP, live in a constant state of ambiguity due to the distrust and disconnection from themselves, they also hate when things around them are ambiguous. When you visualize your future to cope with anxiety, you're actually probably avoiding being fully present and jumping into fantasy and also hypervigilance in imagining controlling future scenarios. That's a normal anxious-side insecure attachment dysfunctional coping mechanism response to stress. That's all my guess, anyway. I don't know anything about what he's doing, thinking, or feeling right now, or how insecure he is. I do strongly suspect there is enough about what's going on that's truly unrelated to him and is on your end that you can work through some of this on your own without using it as an excuse to pull away. If therapy is an option, this is a great time to talk to one about what you're going through. You're struggling because it doesn't come naturally to you to emotionally regulate yourself. It is also fine to tell him you are nervous about moving but you know it's your own fears around not having lived with a partner for so long and you're working on it. Open communication and sharing, without putting it on him to solve anything or respond in a certain way to emotionally regulate you, is a good and healthy thing.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 14, 2022 19:04:22 GMT
Also... it is okay to feel anxious about big changes! But (anxious-leaning) insecure attachers can do something called catastrophize. Which can feel like rumination on steroids. This may also help: psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-catastrophizing#definitionCBT exercises may help with this as well if going to see a therapist is truly not an option. It is possible to find some of these online, and anne12 may have some links to exercises since she often does. |
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Post by elizabeth on Jul 14, 2022 20:40:36 GMT
elizabeth , this sounds like really typical FA struggling. I'd even venture to say your perception of how he chose to stop talking to his ex and now it's sinking in and he feels obligated in a negative way is you projecting your own feelings about the relationship and moving fears. It's not that he feels that way but you feel that way so you're assuming he would feel the same way you do. And FA are somewhat disconnected from their feelings and needs, and anxious leaning aspects of attachment make people with AP or FA style other-focused when they get overwhelmed with sorting through (and minimizing) their own needs and feelings. So projection can easily follow while feeling like the truth. What this all sounds like to me more than anything is fear of engulfment kicking in. You're in a panic that moving means a new life that you're not fully in control of, and you don't have enough trust in yourself to be confident that you will be okay no matter how that works out. Although FA, and often AP, live in a constant state of ambiguity due to the distrust and disconnection from themselves, they also hate when things around them are ambiguous. When you visualize your future to cope with anxiety, you're actually probably avoiding being fully present and jumping into fantasy and also hypervigilance in imagining controlling future scenarios. That's a normal anxious-side insecure attachment dysfunctional coping mechanism response to stress. That's all my guess, anyway. I don't know anything about what he's doing, thinking, or feeling right now, or how insecure he is. I do strongly suspect there is enough about what's going on that's truly unrelated to him and is on your end that you can work through some of this on your own without using it as an excuse to pull away. If therapy is an option, this is a great time to talk to one about what you're going through. You're struggling because it doesn't come naturally to you to emotionally regulate yourself. It is also fine to tell him you are nervous about moving but you know it's your own fears around not having lived with a partner for so long and you're working on it. Open communication and sharing, without putting it on him to solve anything or respond in a certain way to emotionally regulate you, is a good and healthy thing. wow! thank you for taking the time to give such a considered reply, and you are spot on about so much of how i feel, especially the 4 points below. I dont think I could have objectively come to these conclusions in the state of mind I was in, so it really helped me to read these things because it sums up what i could not put into words, and also perhaps had not realised, and gives my mind something constructive to chew on. Thanks again. --You're in a panic that moving means a new life that you're not fully in control of, (YES!) --hate when things around them are ambiguous. (YES!) --When you visualize your future to cope with anxiety, you're actually probably avoiding being fully present and jumping into fantasy (YES!) --I do strongly suspect there is enough about what's going on that's truly unrelated to him and is on your end that you can work through some of this on your own (YES!) I am grateful that he and I have really good communication and understanding, we talk alot, he is aware of my struggles and has expressed that he is happy to work through them with me, as long as it takes. I do think we will have a good life together, if I don`t keep ruminating on what could go wrong. I guess I had not realised that something I am struggling with is that is very hard to relinquish having total control, because I have for so long, and also because it requires trust. I dont really know what it looks like to be in a healthy relationship, but this is an opportunity to have a really good go at it, and learn and grow. He is taking the same risks that I am, it helps to remind myself of that sometimes. It makes a lot of sense what you are saying about projecting too. I texted him at lunch and just told him I felt wrong about his ex, that i wasnt here to control him or take things out of his life. I said he should feel free to talk to her if he wants to. He said he doesnt really want or need to, and that he understood why it freaked me out a bit. So, you were right, I had built this whole scenario in my head which wasnt true at all. Projecting. He is definitely secure. He took the test and we shared our results with each other. When I knew him before in our late teens, he was definitely avoidant, so I was expecting the same thing when we were reunited and fell in love. I think I felt safe getting close to him this time around, because without realising it, I assumed he was still avoidant and it didnt seem like a risky move because it would never go anywhere. Well, he surprised me! When you said "You're struggling because it doesn't come naturally to you to emotionally regulate yourself." - I had to think about this for a minute. I feel like i have spent my whole life emotionally regulating myself. Like I have been navigating a crazy sea in my little boat, and kept it upright no matter what nastiness the world would throw, however, every time I have tried to let anyone on board, my boat topples over. In life, I always know what I am going to do, and how to navigate my own emotions. It's just that in a relationship, my fears turn to how someone else now has a stake in my well-being. But is that true? Obviously, my well being is ultimately my responsibility. But it feels like all of the sudden, my boat could get turned over all over again. It feels like a price I have had to pay for loving people in the past, my life becomes obliterated and i have to rebuild it, every time, so part of me is screaming internally not to let anyone in my boat ever again, because x,y,z could happen... but I really want this man in my boat. I guess it ties in with what you were saying though "you don't have enough trust in yourself to be confident that you will be okay no matter how that works out". I think I know that I would be OK on my own, definitely good at that, and have been quite happy being on my own, but I am just terrified of the fallout in case it doesnt. The energy it takes to rebuild, and pick yourself back up, it has just happened so many times, I wonder why this would be any different, but of course it is different, because he is the one for me, and I know it, and he knows it. We have known each other most of our lives, we are extremely compatible and great friends and lovers, all I really need to do is just to try and enjoy it and appreciate it! Most of the time I am walking around thanking my lucky stars for him, but sometimes I really do get the fear. |
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Post by elizabeth on Jul 14, 2022 20:49:39 GMT
Well, going from long distance to live-in is an extreme shift, and possibly not the best plan. I think it would freak anybody out. It doesn't allow time to integrate or acclimate or even experience the growth of a relationship. It's a huge step even for people who have been sharing a relationship in proximity. Hey, I do hear you, but I definitely have to go ahead with this and the number one reason is because I really want to !! We met when we were 14, we are both in our late 40s now, so our relationship has had many many years to grow and the foundation of a deep friendship spanning decades gives some weight where it wouldnt be the case if we had just met recently. We have been spending pretty much every single weekend together for the last year, and neither one of us wants to continue with the separated dynamic, which I think is actually causing much of the anxiety. It is time for me to face my fears, it really is. |
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Post by elizabeth on Jul 14, 2022 20:55:34 GMT
Also... it is okay to feel anxious about big changes! But (anxious-leaning) insecure attachers can do something called catastrophize. Which can feel like rumination on steroids. This may also help: psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-catastrophizing#definitionCBT exercises may help with this as well if going to see a therapist is truly not an option. It is possible to find some of these online, and anne12 may have some links to exercises since she often does. yes, definitely been doing some catastrophizing lately. sometimes i am able to reign things in better than others. today was not a good day, but i am feeling better, thanks for the support here! |
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Post by alexandra on Jul 14, 2022 21:21:48 GMT
I'm glad if I've helped you start to organize your thoughts! When you said "You're struggling because it doesn't come naturally to you to emotionally regulate yourself." - I had to think about this for a minute. I feel like i have spent my whole life emotionally regulating myself. Like I have been navigating a crazy sea in my little boat, and kept it upright no matter what nastiness the world would throw, however, every time I have tried to let anyone on board, my boat topples over. In life, I always know what I am going to do, and how to navigate my own emotions. It's just that in a relationship, my fears turn to how someone else now has a stake in my well-being. But is that true? Obviously, my well being is ultimately my responsibility. But it feels like all of the sudden, my boat could get turned over all over again. It feels like a price I have had to pay for loving people in the past, my life becomes obliterated and i have to rebuild it, every time, so part of me is screaming internally not to let anyone in my boat ever again, because x,y,z could happen... but I really want this man in my boat. I guess it ties in with what you were saying though "you don't have enough trust in yourself to be confident that you will be okay no matter how that works out". I think there's a difference between managing your emotions so that you can be functional and regulating them so that they can be fully processed. (General) You can be managing and coping with your emotions and stress in a very dysfunctional way but it allows you to live your life, go to work, show up and handle day to day obligations. This is an extreme example, but think of a functional alcoholic who keeps to themselves. Still shows up to work regularly and does a good job, though. They are numbing themselves to balance everything but are doing nothing to process the underlying issues driving them to that lifestyle. It isn't self-regulating emotion from a healthy place at all, but may look okay to someone observing at the surface (and even to the alcoholic themselves) because the person is managing themselves and not causing anyone else any trouble. People with insecure attachment styles don't have healthy tools to respond to stress and things that trigger them. They have coping mechanisms, but usually problematic ones that contribute to their unhappiness in the longer-term. So that's more what I'm referring to. It sounds like you do okay thinking you're fine doing everything alone until you are triggered by something (such as, a relationship), and then that exposes that there's more under the surface left to figure out. With healthier tools and boundaries and a healthy ability to emotionally self-regulate, needing to change course and start over may not be easy and may be frustrating, annoying, undesired, etc. But the mental and emotional energy involved won't be of the same overwhelming magnitude as it is for an insecure attacher. And I'm saying that as having experienced both sides of the coin in regards to dealing with big stress and changes with an AP mindset and conditioned nervous system AND the same with an earned secure mindset and reconditioned nervous system. I've been where you are with the anxiety and fears and doubt, and it is horrible. But it's not permanent or impossible to change. |
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Post by introvert on Jul 14, 2022 21:32:49 GMT
Everything I have read points to utilizing gentle , easy approaches to things for the FA style. Since it's a very radical change, maybe the support of an attachment therapist (as a couple) would be helpful. To help you navigate and use couple strategies.
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Post by elizabeth on Jul 25, 2022 15:01:55 GMT
well... things have been going really well for a good few weeks since my last large freak out at the start of this month. i havent been ruminating or freaking out, our communication is pretty solid, he has been working in a different location for several weeks and i thought this might cause my brain to spin, but it hasn't. i havent really had any thoughts that he is in love with someone else or lying to me (which is usually my go-to thing to worry about). my inner critic still is really trying to find things to worry about, i guess out of habit mostly. i mean, that is what it is there to do, to try and 'protect' me, but it is running out of ammo as i become a little more trusting, it has nothing to feed off of.
not that i miss it AT ALL, but sometimes i do feel strange settling into this new mindset of everything is OK. i honestly do not think i have ever made it this far in a relationship which has real potential, and we are not even living together yet (not even in the same city yet!), but its coming in a few months. it feels actually unnatural and strange not to be worried all the time, and really highlights to me how much time i spent doing it.
now, rather than blind terror which shuts me down, i have this fear that when we talk, i have nothing to say, i am quite content in my day to day life and there is nothing going on, so i never have much news or anything to talk with him when we talk. i mean, we still have plenty to talk about, but i feel like i have nothing to say about myself or my life. still quite upbeat and like hearing what is going on with him, but when it is my turn, im like, 'oh yeah, nothing!' (lol)
so... of course now i am starting to get scared that i am boring him, and that set off a weird alarm in me. like, did i have some of that trauma manifestation mixed up with my actual identity? like, who am i without it? just a quiet boring girl. believe me, i prefer it!!! DEFINITELY! i have wanted to be this! but now i am worried whether he will get bored, if he will accept the new me which is not worrying or insecure and who doesnt have a ton going on in her life atm .. i dont know. then i give myself a good scolding because i feel like i am finally getting somewhere with the insecure feelings and thoughts, and am now berating myself for being boring and not exciting. please know i do not think being insecure and having drama is exciting. it is horrible. but maybe i am just getting used to the changes in me, and i have never been in a healthy relationship before, so maybe it just feels weird. i dont know what happens next. i also know the long distance will play into this, and when we are together we will be able to interact in many different ways, not just text and calls.
i guess i am just wondering if this is a normal phase of moving towards a more secure mindset?
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Post by alexandra on Jul 25, 2022 18:27:58 GMT
Yep, being calm and not in the midst of drama is getting more secure. It isn't necessarily boring, it just is. That's how most people live their lives, and they can sit with themselves and it is okay. Trying to figure out who you are without all the layers of insecurity and triggering, also part of the process. If you've been disconnected from yourself for most of your adult life, it's no surprise that now that you're connecting you don't know everything about the person who is there. I'm pretty sure I mentioned how odd that felt in my earning secure thread, to not be able to predict how I'd react to things anymore for starters. It took several months but there's freedom in being able to explore what you like and try new things without those added layers of attachment wounding stress.
In regards to worries that you're boring him, you probably won't. But if you come to that, it's his problem if he needs a partner to entertain and distract him instead of kind of... join him to share life on the same team. I've come to the conclusion that people who are easily bored (without having a neurodivergent reason for it) are boring! They look to external stimulus and others to keep themselves distracted and entertained instead of creating their own interests. Me and my husband do not have the most interesting lives right now because of the pandemic, but we look for interesting things to do and explore and learn and share when we get bored, and then we're not bored anymore. It can take some effort to start approaching things that way and find interests, but that's part of committing to someone in the long term. Figuring out how to live with routine and responsibilities and still accomplish your goals (one of which may be to be content in life by not getting stuck in boring ruts, and then figuring out how you define and create that).
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Post by elizabeth on Jul 25, 2022 19:58:32 GMT
thank you, Alexandra, you always seem to offer a healthy wisdom and comforting words.
i am really watching two facets of my mind sort of wrestling at the moment. It is so strange to notice how your own mind is seeking to sabotage your own happiness by trying to find anything it can to upset you. There is the one part of my mind which is like 'I just want to be happy, I am done with worrying and I will be OK no matter what, and I just want to appreciate this good person in my life' and there is this other part that is saying 'Something is always wrong. There HAS to be something wrong -let`s find it!'. At the moment I am just listening to these two argue in my head. But at least now there is a voice representing the real me, when for a long time there was not, and I would get consumed with the fears. I guess that is some form of progress.
I really do think it has to do with us being apart right now, so we cannot engage like a normal couple yet, and i also sometimes find the distance very difficult and other times I wonder how I will handle living with another person 24/7. i am sure we will have a great time, i honestly would not even consider doing it, if i thought it wouldnt work or we wouldnt be happy. we still have 4 months until i am there, and i am really just ready to get on with it now. i had a weekend to myself this weekend where we didnt visit, and i really enjoyed it, so i dont want to fall too much in love with enjoying my independent life either. i definitely feel in a weird transitory limbo.
just thinking out loud really, but i appreciate being able to do that here and the support when you just need to know you are not alone!
Thank you!
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Post by elizabeth on Jul 26, 2022 17:59:33 GMT
anne12 i am sure i saw a reply from you this morning, but i wasnt properly logged in, now im at work and logged in, but it seems to have disappeared! hope all is well. things are taking a strange turn. i mentioned in earlier post how i had a weekend to myself this weekend where we didnt visit, and i really enjoyed it. i mean, i love visiting him more, but since i had the time alone, i was relishing it! my bf was also working all weekend (why we didnt visit), so i didnt want to pester him too much and wanted to let him lead on how much communicating he wanted as i appreciated he was busy. i was seriously enjoying my day alone, and later he texted that i seemed quiet. i replied that i was just lounging around, doing things around the apartment and that all was well. the next morning (Sunday) i had arranged to do an activity that i really enjoy since i knew i had this free weekend. when it was done i sent him some photos and then he had very little to say the rest of the day. i assumed he was busy. nothing felt wrong. we talked on the phone that night and it was kind of lacklustre, as i mentioned i feel like i dont have loads to say these days, and we both just seemed a bit tired and i know we both know it sucks being apart and it takes a toll on our interaction sometimes, but we are both looking forward to our visit this coming weekend. Monday morning i felt like i needed to say that out loud, so i texted him and said that i knew it was frustrating that all we have are words at the moment, and missing those little touches and how much i was looking forward to actually living together when alot of these things would be easier (communication, affection, etc). he sent two loving emojis back, and then a few words letting me know he had made it to work and seemed in a rush or whatever. i had sent that big long heartfelt message that morning, so i thought about texting him at lunch, but didnt want to overkill it. i didnt hear from him all afternoon which was unusual, when he finally said he was done for the day and heading to his airbnb where he is staying w co-worker. i said hope he`d had a good day at work, and hope the new airbnb was nice (he stayed in a different one last week). he just gave me a kiss emoji. no information. i knew things were weird then. so i didnt hear from him the rest of the evening which was very weird, since he is just sitting in an airbnb out of town and usually if he were gonna go out for drinks or whatever, he would just let me know what was going on. he was just being silent on everything and giving emoji responses. finally about 8.30pm i texted him to ask if he was ok and said i was going to bed soon. he answered immediately and it felt like we both had our defences up a little bit. like we werent angry but both just saying as little as possible and playing it cool or something. finally i asked him if he was sure he was ok. i was thinking maybe i said too much in my big long message that morning, so i asked him if he felt like i loved him too much. He replied 'No.' i then asked if he felt like i loved him enough and he finally opened up and said he needs more love ! & that he felt deprived when he didnt hear from me. he said it was all good, just a fleeting feeling, but i could tell he felt sad and had been holding in pain and then it made sense why he was acting weird. but i am so confused because i had been trying to communicate with him all day! but i think it stemmed from the weekend. i think maybe it freaked him out a little this weekend, one of the rare times i was free to do my own thing, and was giving him tons of space as he was at work, and i think i made him spin out a little bit, wondering what i was up to or something. so now he is trying to do the same as he is not offering much information about what he is doing, he might not even be conscious he is doing it, but he is definitely being quite cagey which is unusual. i am glad that i am not immediately assuming some infidelity or something terrible, although i do feel like if i text him any more than i do, it will be too much! have i mentioned long distance relationships suck? but i want him to feel loved and like he is getting what he needs from the relationship too. this is the first time he has shown a crack in his armour, as far as being a human with insecurities! this is the first time he has expressed a need of his own. i appreciate the opportunity to understand him and reassure him the way he has done with me when i am struggling. it is strange to be on the other side and realise that all the stuff i beat myself up over, he might feel them too, and that is why he was so kind to me about my own issues. i also have realised through this, that i am terrible at initiating contact, although i have been really trying with him. in the past, i have been with guys who have 'trained' me to not ask questions, not text too much, dont call them, just be available when called upon. (ugh). it feels weird to have a guy who wants to hear from you, notices when you pull away (whether intentional or not), likes you to ask him questions, it is all new to me! the worst part of being apart is i just want to throw my arms around him right now, and give him all the love he feels he is missing, but i will have to wait until the weekend when we visit. we are talking again tonight so that's good. |
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Post by cherrycola on Jul 26, 2022 20:07:22 GMT
Good job not reading into things too much and asking questions instead of making assumptions. Keep in mind that all relationships have a natural eb and flow to them. The other thing that comes to mind is if he is really used to you getting triggered then the lack of that drama could seem odd to him and like something is "missing".
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