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Post by alexandra on Sept 6, 2023 14:53:38 GMT
he tells me he wants distance but it is clear he doesnt, tbh, it is like a speech or a need that does not correspond to what he really wants cause what he says and do is completely contradictory with the "need of distance". I just want to reiterate what I said before. This is not cause for hope. It is only inconsistent. That's it. This is a typical problem with insecures. Whenever words don't match actions don't match feelings, listen to whichever is the most "negative," because that's the truth about where the person is at in their capacity to give. He says he wants distance, believe him. Don't look for secret messages. Your instinct is not wrong that there's more than simply wanting distance under the surface, but that doesn't matter. This is still where he's at and what his capacity is, and his problems around commitment are his own no matter what you do or feel. You have clearly been through a lot in your life, and you are not fully healed yet. There is no shame in that, but looking towards other people with issues to help you with your own emotional recovery and healing usually makes things worse, as the mutual issues trigger each other. That is something to talk through with your therapist, rather than analyzing what he's doing. Stepping back to figure out why you're accepting a situation that's not meeting your needs will be a more helpful approach, assuming you're looking for one. |
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Post by introvert on Sept 6, 2023 15:03:45 GMT
No, not a sex addiction at all. Yes it was helpful during postrauma, but as I said I cannot go out and find someone to have sex with, I never did it my life and would never do it. If without him I will stay for months without sex and its fine. You are contradicting what you wrote above. |
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Post by introvert on Sept 6, 2023 15:12:25 GMT
It is super important to me
It feels like I am dying on the instinctive level if I don't have it
The idea of not having it in the future gives me anxiety
If I don't have sex something is wrong
I use it to cope
I cannot think about not having sex, it is difficult
Those are all your own words and it sounds like a dependence upon sex.
You don't have to go out and have sex with a random stranger to be addicted to sex, you can use the partner you think is perfect for you in every way, who is unavailable. Don't you see it? This guy constantly withdraws, you are addicted to him and when you get your fix you are somehow calm and secure again. No, this is not "basically LOVE".
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Post by kaleidorain on Sept 6, 2023 15:23:02 GMT
Thanks to all of you. I think I am a bit overwhelemed now with all the answers and I will stay on my own for a while. I appreciate your support and inputs and its food for thoughts of course but I feel overwhelmed and sad. best to all of you
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Post by introvert on Sept 6, 2023 15:38:29 GMT
Thanks to all of you. I think I am a bit overwhelemed now with all the answers and I will stay on my own for a while. I appreciate your support and inputs and its food for thoughts of course but I feel overwhelmed and sad. best to all of you Coming out of trauma based attachment dilemmas is excruciatingly sad and difficult. But there is hope on the other side if you commit to seeing your wounds and tending to them, we have all been there. We are here for the real stuff if you return, best wishes for your sustained healing. The only way out is through the pain. |
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Post by usernametaken on Sept 6, 2023 21:51:22 GMT
to be honest I am a bit lost in all this. I dont know what he expects from distance neither I. Guess it will be good for me too, eventually we all know there is no future, but at least I wanted to spend my time here with him. I am sad, confused but also calmer at the same time, but I know its a temporary calm and soon I will be depressed. Lets see.I will be anyeay very far from here so distance is also phyisical at this point. Have to tried asking him what he means by distance ? |
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Post by introvert on Sept 6, 2023 22:04:41 GMT
FWIW, as a DA I used to compartmentalize my life because the thought of becoming inextricably linked with someone, and coming to rely upon a relationship for my emotional wellbeing, filled me with despair and a feeling of hopelessness. I now know that feeling as the trauma response of collapse.
There was no way, no how anyone could have gotten me past that fear and that feeling. My peace came from not putting my eggs in that basket, by keeping the connection in a box. I literally felt relief leaving my hookups house after we enjoyed the sweetness of what felt like vulnerability and intimacy. I felt endangered by letting someone in to the point that they became part of my world too much. I maintained separateness by not doing everyday errands together, not including a relationship in my hobbies or even self care. That independence protected me from loss which to an avoidant seems inevitable.
It changed over time through therapy for trauma and attachment and concerted self help efforts. There is ZERO chance anyone would have impacted that, no matter how much I enjoyed them. Zero. The pain I felt imagining a shared future was like grief and inexplicable sadness. There was absolutely no feeling of security in it. Security came from independence and non-reliance.
I'm not saying that's his experience. I'm saying, that was mine and nobody would have delivered me from it, never ever. It had to come from inside of myself, the ability to find healthy interdependence. It took a lot of work.
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Post by introvert on Sept 6, 2023 22:10:12 GMT
The longest, most intense and addictive involvement I ever experienced was with another avoidant who expressed the very same position. We f*cked each other's brains out until I healed enough to leave and never look back. That was just prior to my current relationship that looks NOTHING like any I've had prior. It took years to get to the point of accepting love that isn't based in addictive (substitution of true intimacy) dynamics and avoidance. Years.
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Post by introvert on Sept 6, 2023 22:25:07 GMT
The difference between FA and DA , at least one of the differences, is that a DA will do more to keep the gate shut in the first place. And the fear seems to be fight and flight in FA rather than collapse and giving up. But the mechanism is to avoid, and avoidance is where safety is felt. It doesn't change.
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Post by anne12 on Sept 7, 2023 1:16:26 GMT
kaleidorain I asked you about sex because of the way oxytocin works in women: The impact of oxytocin: The effects of oxytocin are exacerbated by estrogen and minimized by testosterone. The bonding effect seems to last 2-3 weeks in women and 2-3 days in men. This could partly explain why younger women get more attached due to sex than younger men; and why post-menopausal women experience more freedom around sex while older men want regular sex to feel connected to their partners. It also explains why we see each other in a different light after orgasm (it’s orgasm that counts, with or without intercourse). Both men and women may want to consider the effects of oxytocin. Are you ready for that attachment, either by you or to you? verilymag.com/2016/05/oxytocin-sex-differences-women-hormones-bonding-sex-trustThere is a thread about women and sex in the general discussion forum jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3376/women-sexuality-blueprint
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Post by anne12 on Sept 7, 2023 1:45:21 GMT
Have you ever tried somatic experience - SE ?
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Post by anne12 on Sept 7, 2023 11:22:37 GMT
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 8, 2023 4:59:57 GMT
I feel sad. I am having calm days with laughs, friends and other good things and my anxiety is not that high which I am happy about, and I think it could be worst, but inside the sadness and the CONSTANT thought of him and us is overwhelming. I know it's stupid but I think why two people who like each other that much, care about each other and miss each other when they are not together.....cannot be together. It is frustrating to think that his fears are bigger than any chance to be good together, or even keep on having the type of relationship we had. I have survived many things in my life and this is not even comparable, but I am tired, super tired of these things happening in my life. I have to throw to the bin the feelings I have for him and get depressed as I did before with others, and I feel this time is worst cause I really like us together too much and like his way of being consistently, and cause I have no willing not energy to date again for a long time. I am sad. I cannot believe this could really be that complicated for something that should be simple. Have you considered having your neurotransmitters checked? I was really spiraling for decades until an astute doctor determined my serotonin was off and prescribed me an SSRI. It transformed my thinking and allowed me to heal. |
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Post by usernametaken on Sept 8, 2023 5:30:20 GMT
I'm sorry for your suffering. I have BPD and can somewhat understand the spiralling we go through. It's great that you are using your DBT to try to stay positive.
I also had PMDD and it makes you feel like an insane person until you realize what it and why you suddenly feel like you do.
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Post by introvert on Sept 8, 2023 13:34:36 GMT
Throughout your posts, you express your disappointment that his fears keep you two from being together. But it also becomes clear that your mental/emotional health issues of BPD, PMDD, and AP severely impact you. It seems to me that your focus on him and his inconsistent attachment is a bit of a distraction,and will only further increase your despair as it does not offer any solution at all.
Would it not be appropriate to turn to a qualified mental health professional at this time, to directly address your diagnosed issues? That seems like the kindest and most loving thing to do for yourself. The answer does not lie in him improving himself and overcoming his fears (which takes deep and sustained effort over time) because your own obstacles to healthy relating will remain.
I suggest that becoming involved in painful and damaging dynamics is part of your BPD, it's a symptom of your own issues and it will take continued attention to your own mental and emotional health independently to find any kind of peace.
I don't intend to be hurtful at all, but I really think that going down the rabbit hole of his attachment issues is only going to cause you more pain. If he is truly FA, he will be extremely triggered by your deep depressions and emotional lability, you both are in an emotional tinderbox. I don't believe it's possible to shield him from the emotional distress that you experience, people pick up on things quite well. And, he's not even interested in seeking help for his own issues from what I understand. This could be a very long, drawn out, torturous entanglement without the proper support. I do hope you find what you need to overcome this situation in a healthy way. From what I understand, ongoing treatment for your issues can be very beneficial although I can't speak from experience. I'm just suggesting that you put your attention on your own well being in those areas to help yourself heal.
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