kat94
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Post by kat94 on Mar 8, 2024 19:33:54 GMT
I was in a relationship with a FA male for 5 months. The first month was great, he came across initially as secure, his communication and actions were consistent. His actions and behaviours started to change after we were very affectionate physically, at this point we hadn't had sex but it was obvious by the next encounter we probably would. Following this he was communicating less, he started cancellinng dates saying he was sick or had work. Then abruptly he ended things saying he realised he wasn't ready for a relationship. At the time I didn't understand attachment theory so put it down to new relationship nerves.
He agreed and said he wanted to continue. Then he started giving me mixed messages, saying he feels he is not made for a relationship and before he sees me he gets panic attacks and that something tells him he shouldn't be doing this.
After 5 weeks of mixed messages and not seeing him, I was ready to call it a day. And also after a week of no contact I saw him on a dating app.
He returned in an anxious state saying he feels ashamed of his behaviour and that the relationship at the beginning felt like a dream and that it was too good to be true, and gave him nice feelings and that he would like me to give him a second chance. Which I did.
Following this we had 2 weeks of consistent communication and he was discussing future plans and things felt positive. However this was short lived as then he started cancelling dates and messaging less.
The week before he ghosted me he was in an anxious state asking for reassurance that we were still together, followed by seeing him back on a dating app.
During the last time we met he was extremely affectionate, he was all over me, then minutes later his mood completely changed, he said he felt shit, and he knows he has issues but he doesn't know what they are and he gets panic attacks and anxiety prior to seeing me and that something tells him not to see me. He said he wants to start being open with me and will see me next week.
I could tell he was going to deactivate, so I decided to wait for him to contact me. It's now been 3 weeks and I've had no contact from him. I tried call him, he didn't answer.
I'm confused as to how he went from being super affectionate to I don't want to do this anymore and not having the respect to tell me!
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Post by kirrok on Mar 9, 2024 0:14:42 GMT
What you've described sounds like an awful roller coaster experience, and your feelings about it are totally valid and understandable.
Unfortunately, the only "logic" to this that really matters is because he did. If indeed he's FA (and he may be), then the flip-flopping between fear of abandonment and willingness to commit (or follow through) in response not only to how the two of you relate to each other, but also to how he relates to himself, wouldn't be atypical. The sometimes oversharing, other times under-sharing, and the presence of both high anxiety and high avoidance would also be consistent with FA. In short, if he's FA, he's likely dealing with a lot of internal conflict and confusion – cognitively, emotionally, and somatically – because two primary biological drives are in opposition and constant conflict for him: the drive to connect, and the drive to avoid perceived danger/hurt/upset.
Rather than get too wrapped up into the whys that lead him to behave the way he does or doesn't, a salient question for you is, is any of this working for you? Does this fit with what you need and want from a secure, reciprocal, interdependent relationship with someone, even at this early stage of a few months of getting to know each other? Are you really willing to accept and tolerate the dynamics between you given what you need and want, especially if it were to continue?
Meanwhile, whatever is going on with him has to be confronted and addressed by him.
Personally, the more I learn, I'm really wary about labeling and trying to "figure out" other people. Attachment theory is interesting and has been useful for me to better understand myself, and while it's intellectually interesting to try to get a sense for what may be going on for other people within their own experience, there's nothing I can do about it. I have no agency over someone else's behavior in the present, even if it makes sense given their history and past experiences. I certainly can have compassion for them, but at the end of the day, what matters is whether I can live and work with how they're showing up based on what I need and want.
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Post by mrob on Mar 9, 2024 3:35:03 GMT
kirrok, absolutely. People give themselves away within 10 mins generally, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I have to trim my own sails. Some times I’ve gone on knowing exactly what will happen, and it consistently has. No confirmation bias, generally shock and sadness.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 9, 2024 14:17:04 GMT
Personally, the more I learn, I'm really wary about labeling and trying to "figure out" other people. Attachment theory is interesting and has been useful for me to better understand myself, and while it's intellectually interesting to try to get a sense for what may be going on for other people within their own experience, there's nothing I can do about it. I have no agency over someone else's behavior in the present, even if it makes sense given their history and past experiences. I certainly can have compassion for them, but at the end of the day, what matters is whether I can live and work with how they're showing up based on what I need and want. I have moved away from trying to analyze another person and instead, when triggered by someone else, I do an internal assessment of myself. What is being stirred up from my past that I still have an opportunity to address. My therapist appreciates how I now approach these moments as it gives us an avenue towards healing. i will say though that it took a while of wrestling with an”other perspective” and I do not fault anyone whose journey starts there. Had my nervous system not gone into overdrive when B broke up with me, had I not been curious about what was going on with him…I would never have found my way here….and here is a good first step. To the OP:Trauma drives everything for any insecurely attached individual and until he decides he wants to work through his trauma, his in consistency, his back and forth and his impact on your own nervous system will continue. If you can change the line of questioning back around to yourself…..that would be great as it gives you a choice and power. If you still have lingering questions…this is a safe space to ask them. |
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kat94
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Posts: 18
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Post by kat94 on Mar 9, 2024 14:57:46 GMT
Thank you Kirrok. You make many valid observations, currently I’m very fixated on the whys, why has he done this to me, why can’t he have communicated he felt he wanted to leave instead of ghosting me, why is he being so cold and cruel. Instead of thinking is this situation serving me any purpose. Which the answer is no. My needs have been neglected from very early on in the relationship, and I don’t think it’s healthy to try and reconcile with someone who is very inconsistent and not ready for a relationship.
I agree with you tnr9 his behaviour and actions are definitely driven by trauma and I suggested many time for him to seek therapy, he said yes but never took it any further. He said his issues have been going on for years, and has caused him to self sabotage other relationships.
As for my own nervous system, he has certainly caused a lot of triggers in me. My anxiety since knowing him has gone through the roof! Currently I feel rejected, used and abandoned.
I called him yesterday, he didn’t answer however this is typical of him, in the whole time we were together he would rarely answer his phone. I thought he might message but he never did. I won’t attempt to call him again, as his actions suggest he is not ready to talk.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 9, 2024 15:27:04 GMT
Thank you Kirrok. You make many valid observations, currently I’m very fixated on the whys, why has he done this to me, why can’t he have communicated he felt he wanted to leave instead of ghosting me, why is he being so cold and cruel. Instead of thinking is this situation serving me any purpose. Which the answer is no. My needs have been neglected from very early on in the relationship, and I don’t think it’s healthy to try and reconcile with someone who is very inconsistent and not ready for a relationship. I agree with you tnr9 his behaviour and actions are definitely driven by trauma and I suggested many time for him to seek therapy, he said yes but never took it any further. He said his issues have been going on for years, and has caused him to self sabotage other relationships. As for my own nervous system, he has certainly caused a lot of triggers in me. My anxiety since knowing him has gone through the roof! Currently I feel rejected, used and abandoned. I called him yesterday, he didn’t answer however this is typical of him, in the whole time we were together he would rarely answer his phone. I thought he might message but he never did. I won’t attempt to call him again, as his actions suggest he is not ready to talk. I would recommend that you go no contact with him for a period of time…this will likely cause more anxiety, but he can’t really help and isn’t truly the cause of that, although I know from experience that is how you are interpreting it. The best source to address this need to sooth your anxiety (because that is what you are trying to do by reaching out) is to find some loving, supportive friends to spend time with. I would also suggest a therapist to help walk you through whatever from your past is truly being triggered. He is simply a symptom of a much deeper feeling of being used, being rejected and being.abandoned. The way towards healing is to identify that source and gently work through those feelings. It is hard work, but on the other side of it is freedom, choice and self love. As to why he chose to ghost you….that is about his trauma and it is best not to get swirled up trying to apply a reason to it. |
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kat94
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Post by kat94 on Mar 9, 2024 15:49:52 GMT
I’ve been having EMDR for a few months to address my anxious attachment and issues around struggling to leave relationships that are not healthy. I think there is a feeling in me that feels if I see him again in that moment he will soothe all my anxieties away, but I know in reality one it’s not his job to soothe my anxiety and that it will be short lived as he will disappear again for weeks and my anxiety around abandonment and feeling used will return.
As my therapist says let him be him and you do you, as you said we both have our own traumas and it’s best not to get involved. Having said this, this is another issue for me, as the more I read up about his trauma the more I go into that hero ego state where I think I can fix and save him, and then he will be ready for the relationship. I know now this is delusional, as for one he is not ready for change and I can’t be his therapist. Despite the way he has treated me I just want to reach out as I feel empathy for him.
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Post by alexandra on Mar 9, 2024 19:22:09 GMT
Try to turn that empathy for him back onto having more empathy for yourself.
If you're AP or anxious-leaning FA, you're going to look for other people to regulate your emotions and anxiety for you, and you for them. This is related back to you being raised by adult caretakers who looked to you as the child to manage their adult emotions instead of them teaching you that everyone needs to manage their own and how to emotionally self-regulate (because they likely didn't know how). This being all you know as a kid causes boundary issues and codependency, uncomfortable feelings with self, and a tendency to abandon yourself and put others ahead of you.
In summary: it feels easier to analyze, help, and "fix" someone else than to be nice to yourself, because that's what's familiar to you. Look at all your positive feelings towards helping him as a reflection of what you actually seek for yourself, because it's a good starting point combined with therapy.
And in regards to why he's doing what he's doing, it's because with all of his individual issues, this behavior is all he has the capacity to do. It's nothing personal, and while it feels confusing in its inconsistency, it doesn't need to be. The inconsistency is who he is for now, and the nice times at the very beginning were because the attraction and new relationship energy were just enough for him to feel good enough to temporarily override his issues. This is pretty normal in any insecure dynamic, but tends to be short-lived because once someone starts becoming a serious attachment figure and the other person feels they may actually stick around, all the commitment issues from their trauma suddenly come back up and you see what their capacity for secure connection truly is.
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kat94
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Post by kat94 on Mar 9, 2024 22:27:58 GMT
Thank you Alexandra, that was an insightful reflection. On the positive side this relationship has made me understand myself better, as before I never realised how much I relied on a partner to emotionally self regulate as I use to think it was my partner’s responsibility. Through my journey towards self healing I have learned that it needs to come from myself and it’s unfair to expect a partner to do this for me.
I definitely agree, during this relationship I gradually let all my boundaries and needs go, and put all my focus on fixing him as I thought at the time it was the best thing to do to make him feel safe and secure. However in my opinion it feels selfish and unnatural to me to focus on myself, but I suppose this is why I keep falling into the trap of focusing too much on others and wondering why I’m left feeling unsatisfied and unhappy.
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Post by alexandra on Mar 10, 2024 0:16:50 GMT
However in my opinion it feels selfish and unnatural to me to focus on myself, but I suppose this is why I keep falling into the trap of focusing too much on others and wondering why I’m left feeling unsatisfied and unhappy. This is totally normal for anxious attachers. What worked for me to get past it over time was to start small. What were some things I always wanted to try, but was afraid they were uncool or I'd be bad at them? I started doing those to figure out more about who I was and what I liked when I wasn't allowing the expectations (whether real or perceived) of others define me. I tried a couple new sports that I wasn't good at at first but not as bad as I expected. I accepted a lot of social invitations out of my comfort zone to explore my feelings. I was able to travel for a couple weeks entirely by myself (this was pre-pandemic), meaning I could plan as little or much as I wanted every day, try new things even if it was just deciding on food, stop somewhere just because it looked pretty or interesting, learn how to be more present and connected with myself. None of those things sound selfish, do they? When you're outside of the context of dating and relationships, that's what I mean by start small. Over time, with some practice, it begins to feel more natural and then it helps build up a better sense of self and boundaries to then further explore how to focus on yourself once there are others to consider again. I also found that sports and physical activities that required concentration on what you were doing to be really helpful in the somatic sense and staying present in your body, in a way I didn't expect and didn't even realize until a year and a half later. That's only part of the bigger picture for healing some of the things that contribute to insecure attachment styles and insecure relationships, but it's a good early step that's very much within your control and you can take at your own speed. |
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kat94
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Post by kat94 on Mar 14, 2024 20:11:22 GMT
Now I’m feeling confused again. After almost 4 weeks of no contact my FA ex has reached out. He sent a message saying he was ignoring me because he needed time to think. He says he acknowledges he has problems and doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. He says he doesn’t feel capable of being in a relationship and feels I deserve better. I sense this is coming from a place of him not feeling worthy of being in a relationship. I agree with him, he not ready for a relationship and I don’t deserve the backlash that comes from his problems.
I haven’t responded, and I’m not sure what I want to say. I really miss him and would like to remain friends.
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Post by alexandra on Mar 14, 2024 21:34:38 GMT
What are you confused about? It doesn't sound like he shared any new information you didn't already know, so nothing changes? Him saying this to you was the least he could do and his behavior is at a low bar, since he should have said this all a month ago instead of "ignoring" you. But, as he said, those are his issues rearing their ugly head.
If you want to respond, I'd keep it as a VERY short and simple acknowledgment that also shares what you want. Something like,
"Thank you for your message, and I agree with what you've shared. In order to move on, I need more time for us to not be in contact and would appreciate if you continue to give me that space. I don't know how long that will be, but I'm open to exploring a friendship once I'm ready. In the meantime, I wish the best for you in sorting out your issues."
This way, you won't feel like you're waiting for him to reappear and randomly reach out one day and can do things according to what you need and on your own schedule. Give yourself more time before deciding if you really want to be friends, that's not something you need to know the answer to right now. There's no rush.
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kat94
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Posts: 18
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Post by kat94 on Mar 15, 2024 17:34:04 GMT
I'm confused as to how I feel about the message. After no contact for almost 4 weeks I was starting to accept that I will never hear from him again. I after 4 weeks his message is very poor and lacks remorse for his unacceptable behaviour and as you indefinited he could have said this much sooner.
My feelings are conflict as my anxiety is enjoying the fact he has made contact even though the context is not exactly what I was hoping to read. But nevertheless I want to reach out and respond in the hope of reconnecting. The other part of me says enough is enough dont acknowledge his message as all you'll end up doing is getting trapped into this anxious avoidant cycle again.
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Post by lovebunny on Mar 15, 2024 18:55:43 GMT
Do yourself a huge favor and don't respond. To borrow an expression from Natasha Adamo, get on your white horse, and let it carry you off into the sunset with dignity and grace. natashaadamo.com/white-horse/He isn't going to tell you anything you want to hear. There's nothing you will say that will miraculously make him emotionally available. It sucks, I know. Leave him hanging in the wind, if he somehow becomes a different guy capable of being what you need, I'm sure he'll reach out and let you know. |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 15, 2024 21:03:28 GMT
I'm confused as to how I feel about the message. After no contact for almost 4 weeks I was starting to accept that I will never hear from him again. I after 4 weeks his message is very poor and lacks remorse for his unacceptable behaviour and as you indefinited he could have said this much sooner. My feelings are conflict as my anxiety is enjoying the fact he has made contact even though the context is not exactly what I was hoping to read. But nevertheless I want to reach out and respond in the hope of reconnecting. The other part of me says enough is enough dont acknowledge his message as all you'll end up doing is getting trapped into this anxious avoidant cycle again. Honestly….most FAs do not want to shut the door completely and often “confess” things post break up they were too afraid to state at the time the break up was happening. It honestly is more about him relieving any post breakup anxiety than about anything to do with you…which is why the message comes across as insincere. Personally…I would not accept a friendship with him until you have had a chance to explore your own feelings a bit more and decide whether you are hoping to get back into dating him or whether you are truly ok if he moves on to someone else while you are friends. From my own personal experience, I would not agree to be friends with someone that brought out such strong feelings in me again. The friendship in my case was a thinly veiled attempt to win B back…which did not happen. What did happen was a lot of confusing mixed signals….because now that dating was off the table,…he could flirt with me under the pretense of friendship….while also spending time on his phone chatting up the girl he was dating. I had to finally defriend and block him to save my own sanity. |
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