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Post by seeking on Aug 1, 2024 22:40:52 GMT
I suffer from this. It helped me to get clear on my dealbreakers. Mine are respect, emotional safety, and divorced. If a man trips on those, he is out. Then I have my list of things I consider red flags, such as emotional dumping, oversharing, isn't sure what he wants, boundary issues, etc. Then I just view the first date as information gathering. In fact I refuse to become someone's penpal so if it doesn't happen within a reasonable amount of time, I am out. Then you show up, have fun, and when you finish you sit down and journal how you feel about it. The only thing you need to answer after a first date is, do I want a second date? Then by the third date, I have an idea of if I want to continue to see them. The questions I ask myself: Am I energized or drained by this person? Am I free to be my authentic self around them? Was the conversation free flowing or was it forced and awkward with a lot of prompted questions because there are large lulls vs organic questions that flow from the conversation and curiosity. When they text me do I feel excited or ugh? Am I curious about this person? Do they have any red flags that came up? Do I need more information or is this enough, such as (recently separated from an ex) Do I want to touch them? / Be touched by them? Even if just a hug or some light flirting. This one is REALLY telling for me. I have gone over this in therapy a lot. How a date could be going great but then I just can't touch them and feel weird and my counsellor told me to trust that about myself and don't force myself to get over it. If I don't want to kiss by the third date, then end things. This is great! I do well with structure, which is why having a coach on this is helping. And we have some principles we work from. Right now, she wants me to focus on not being married and divorced before I even go on a date. To just really get to a coffee date (within reason). And so I seem to be stuck right there! And from this thread, I'm learning more about boundaries, not mind-reading, low-drama, low investment (at first), and not making meaning out of everything. Because I will do that to the enth degree before I've even met someone. |
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Post by seeking on Aug 1, 2024 22:48:45 GMT
In other news, I did write to "A" -- he is across the country right now with the woman he's been dating and coming back this weekend. He said we should schedule a call and then meet!
(Is he really that dumb, though?) (In his defense, I never even met him, so where would he get the idea I have the remotest interest or wasn't really planning on being just friends).
Then he writes a weird line -- granted, his girlfriend is a famous actress (which, likely is what is giving him more value in my eyes --) -- and says, "Hey, I have to tell you the story about how first name, last name of person and I met on name of dating site. It's an interesting story. I'll fill you in when we chat."
Nothing much to read into there. Just like - weird way to say it? Maybe he was reminding me they were together.
Anyway, sharing stuff.
I left it alone.
And he wrote a second time today with more to share (we always talked about things going on in the world).
So I'm thinking that it would be best to have a boundary while he's with this other woman. I kinda wish I could be friends with him though because for me he is a rare type of person that I do enjoy (contemplative, aware of things I pay attention to, etc).
Gosh, it's just been a lot this week.
And I still haven't even had a coffee date.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 2, 2024 2:04:10 GMT
In regards to the guy you didn't answer for a month: I don't think he'd done anything wrong in not immediately jumping to making a date. He was probably wary that you maybe weren't really sick or all that interested, because that sort of thing happens on online dating no matter the gender. You didn't follow up, so he didn't either, no harm no foul. You could still try apologizing that things got away from you but you'd like to meet and ask when's a good time for him if he's still interested. Or you can do nothing. FWIW, I've had missed connections on dating sites that sound like how you dropped off communication, we then reconnected organically around town, went on a date, and then they asked me for another date and flaked out again without even planning it. So I do kind of interpret flaking out on early conversations as the person isn't that serious and what you see is probably what you get even if you do eventually meet up. Which is to say, he might still be interested after you didn't follow up and he might not be.
In regards to the guy who wants to meet you, I don't see the harm unless you think you're going to get stuck on him romantically since he's now unavailable. Then I wouldn't bother. But I feel like he's being nice, he knows you know he's dating someone, he's bringing it up to make it clear you're just meeting up as friends. There's nothing wrong with that as long as you both respect boundaries.
I think you should find a different guy than either of these two for a coffee date, though.
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Post by seeking on Aug 2, 2024 2:44:06 GMT
Thanks Alexandra. This is good stuff and I'm guessing that the reason I'm going back to the guy whose text I dropped is because I'm feeling regret with the guy who wants to meet (who is unavailable) and suddenly I got triggered back to "don't let that happen again." And I figured I should just meet the first guy. Even just as practice to get myself out on a darn date and stop over-analyzing the sh*t out of everything (although I will say I do learn a lot from my analyzing and it prob does save me at times).
As far as the guy who wants to meet, it is tricky. I think internally I have to make more peace and have acceptance around my turning him down -- it feels challenging right at this moment, but I'll take it one day at a time and see. He definitely triggered abandonment stuff in me. So I'm just paying attention to that as I tread.
I'm feeling pretty fragile, vulnerable right now but also feel like I'm making some progress - if only energetically in my being. But I do feel like in the past 24 hours, I've regained a sense of being more willing to move forward since we talked about boundaries, etc.
So thanks for all your support.
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Post by seeking on Aug 2, 2024 2:48:02 GMT
Yeah, as I wrote that, I think I have an ideal - that ideally I could be friends with A -- since he and I share so many similar views and do seem to care about one another. That good friends can be rare and people like him (who get a certain piece around certain events with our shared faith practice and the world) are people I'd like to align with. It's just painful. And I'm not wanting to put a ton of pressure on myself to swallow that pain in favor of trying to latch on to a friendship. But I don't think there's pressure, necessarily. I think facing the pain can ultimately be helpful. It's just some days, I'm like, can't I just have a drink at the beach, lol. But naming that's what's going on helps me.
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Post by lovebunny on Aug 2, 2024 12:36:26 GMT
Ok, I also go into r'ships with big ambivalence. I think I wrote about it here a few months ago, that when I first start dating someone, even those who I've ended up madly in love with, at first everything in me is screaming that they have this flaw and that flaw and aren't attractive, and I will never, ever ever be able to love them. Even if, objectively, I can see that they're good looking, compatible, kind etc...
I really have to sort of just white-knuckle through the first couple weeks of dating. Then, maybe once I'm a little more trusting that they'll stick around? my revulsion seems to go away, and I'm able to develop feelings. It's like my logical brain needs to overcome my reptilian flight response before we can get anywhere. And sometimes that revulsion doesn't happen right away, can kick in 2nd or 4th date and last a couple weeks.
I read somewhere that one of the best ways to get someone to like you is just...be around. Familiarity is attractive. But new people are unfamiliar!! Perhaps some of take a little while longer to warm up than others.
I say just go on dates. To eat something, drink something, get out, have an adult conversation. It's tough to go into all of this with the pressure of "finding a life-partner asap."
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Post by seeking on Aug 2, 2024 18:31:07 GMT
I really have to sort of just white-knuckle through the first couple weeks of dating. Then, maybe once I'm a little more trusting that they'll stick around? my revulsion seems to go away, and I'm able to develop feelings. It's like my logical brain needs to overcome my reptilian flight response before we can get anywhere. And sometimes that revulsion doesn't happen right away, can kick in 2nd or 4th date and last a couple weeks. I read somewhere that one of the best ways to get someone to like you is just...be around. Familiarity is attractive. But new people are unfamiliar!! Perhaps some of take a little while longer to warm up than others. I say just go on dates. To eat something, drink something, get out, have an adult conversation. It's tough to go into all of this with the pressure of "finding a life-partner asap." Revulsion, sadly, is such a good word. I felt this with the current "one who got away" -- (despite people here trying to insist that I meet him and I wouldn't/couldn't). I actually screen shared a photo of someone with my coach -- fully expecting her to be like "Oh yeah, I can see why you wouldn't want to -- " and she was like "??" "Uh, he's fly fishing?" It really did surprise me that she wasn't feeling revulsion like I did! And now that we stopped texting, I found photos of him on FB and am like, "Oh he's rather handsome!"  It's downright nutty. This is really good advice for someone like me. And the brain explanation makes sense! Thank you. |
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Post by cherrycola on Aug 2, 2024 20:33:33 GMT
That is very good word. I think it's why I've had to intellectualize dating to such a high degree, at least in the first few weeks. I can get the ick and then I have to sit down and go is this a red flag, an actual hardcore incompatibility, OR is my brain doing the thing my brain does. Sometimes the ick is my own inner shame being projected back out at them. So like if they text me a lot (but not excessively), and come across a bit "needy" my brain is like ewwwww, you would never allow yourself to SHOW someone you care.
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Post by seeking on Aug 2, 2024 22:10:07 GMT
That is very good word. I think it's why I've had to intellectualize dating to such a high degree, at least in the first few weeks. I can get the ick and then I have to sit down and go is this a red flag, an actual hardcore incompatibility, OR is my brain doing the thing my brain does. Sometimes the ick is my own inner shame being projected back out at them. So like if they text me a lot (but not excessively), and come across a bit "needy" my brain is like ewwwww, you would never allow yourself to SHOW someone you care. Such a good point. Although if the guy gives off an air of being an a*shole - then I can find him more attractive; although this used to be the case. Not so much anymore. I feel like I've done a good job at putting a stop to that. But the part about finding flaws with available men is still tough. It really is a brain thing. Like a dysmorphia -- although that's not the right word. I'm flashing back to when I met a really great guy when I was traveling in Europe. It was definitely story-worthy and whirlwind. We'd written and I changed courses and went to Italy, found a temporary apartment and he was coming up this long set of winding stairs (a big stairwell outside my apartment) and all I saw was his pink skin and sweat and his hair being mucked up and I was so grossed out. (He was a super hot British guy, lol) But I had periods of literal repulsion. It's wild! I really had never thought of it as a coping strategy for my brain trying to keep me safe. So yeah, I can relate to sitting down and seeing what is what. It's just that once my brain is lit up with threat response, it's hard to convince me (my brain) that it's okay. Which is how I didn't end up with the "one who got away" |
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Post by seeking on Aug 6, 2024 1:11:51 GMT
I have a date with someone.
Small miracle.
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Post by seeking on Aug 7, 2024 14:11:57 GMT
Or maybe I don't.
The guy in question my coach predicted likely wouldn't respond to my text or would but would drop the ball, etc.
I told her it was on me since I sent him "mixed signals"
So I tried again - texted him after about a month, he clicked on me on the online dating site (I got notification) and then wrote me back. But his texts seem to lack enthusiasm? He asks questions, but seems more robotic. So then he said, since you have time off next week, do you want to meet up? And since I'm largely following my coach's advice right now 1) Because I trust her 2) it's nice to have an approach rather than constantly guessing and doubting -- I went ahead and kept it short and light/cheerful (as she says) and said, "Sure that would be great." I'm also letting him do the work 1) So that I don't end up doing it all reflexively like I tend to do with folks who are more ambivalent than me. 2) My coach thinks he's not going to do it and I want to see if she's right! lol.
So today is Wednesday and Monday early evening he wrote about next week and I said sure that would be great, and I've heard nothing back.
I know it would have made some degree of sense for me to pick a day or a place/time but I think he can handle that (well, we'll see). Or even just respond with "Great, what day is good for you." Or "Where would you want to meet?" Of course there is still time. I'm doing "low-investment" (other than taking time to learn from these things).
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Post by mrob on Aug 7, 2024 23:09:29 GMT
I think that’s a great way to go. I know I can tell the difference between someone that’s genuinely busy as opposed to where responses are being forced. You could be one step ahead and volunteer a range of days that work for you and he works himself around that.
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Post by seeking on Aug 7, 2024 23:21:48 GMT
I think that’s a great way to go. I know I can tell the difference between someone that’s genuinely busy as opposed to where responses are being forced. You could be one step ahead and volunteer a range of days that work for you and he works himself around that. Which is the great way to go? I think since I tend to over-function in relationships, I'm pulling back right now (overall - even platonic, female relationships, family, etc). With this guy, he also seems under-employed. He's a prof and told me he's teaching one class this fall. It's a pretty standard college class. He did mention (a couple times in our exchanges) needing to do something more for money. So I'm trying not to over-function, esp if he's someone who has a tendency to underfunction. I could have easily jumped in and done all of the planning. But I said yes, so next move can be (I'm saying can be since it's not a definite) but I think it can be on him- |
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Post by mrob on Aug 8, 2024 0:58:53 GMT
Absolutely. He’s approaching, he can do the planning. That way you are able to gauge his interest. On further thought, you’re probably right, what’s there to stop him suggesting a day as well as a time?
Fancy me giving dating advice. lol!!
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Post by seeking on Aug 8, 2024 2:28:43 GMT
Absolutely. He’s approaching, he can do the planning. That way you are able to gauge his interest. On further thought, you’re probably right, what’s there to stop him suggesting a day as well as a time? Fancy me giving dating advice. lol!! Lol! We're all trying to help each other out here! But, yeah, we'll see. It's been 48 hours. |
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It's downright nutty.