Seeing Deep Seated Issues

I see this post as a description of fear of enmeshment. A lot of insecure attachers experience that. I also don't see it reflecting reality IF you can find a relationship in which you are secure with each other (you can actually be securely attached with another person while still each having insecure attachment styles! Though it may be bumpier to resolve conflict than for people with secure attachment styles).

I don't feel like I can't eat the foods I want or can't go to bed at the time I want or can't sometimes be in a different location from my husband. If your lifestyles are reasonably compatible, everything doesn't need to feel like a compromise or sacrifice.

I felt like I was walking on eggshells when I was an insecure attacher dating other insecures and in insecure relationships with them, but a lot of it turned out to be a construct within my own head. I was being co-dependent and hypervigilant, and my partners would indeed get annoyed about certain things and not communicate about them. That wasn't about me, they would have done that with any partner. So there was merit in my feeling constrained. But ultimately, that feeling was indicating we weren't a good fit for each other, and the purpose of dating is to get to know each other and figure that out before committing. However, as an insecure who did not trust in myself enough and was prone to abandoning my own needs, I misinterpreted the feeling as I was doing something wrong which made relationships hard or impossible, I needed to change my life to accommodate someone else, if they were annoyed then they must be right and I shouldn't see it as incompatible, I should just keep trying harder to push down my needs, etc etc. This is insecure dysfunctional behavior coming from self and learned from old bad family patterns (which, good news, is something you've been working to address already and can be worked on!) coupled with choosing incompatible partners (which can only be avoided by taking the time to get to know someone and gaining life experience to figure out).

I know you have specific considerations because your child has special needs. But I also think there's a lot you can confront within yourself with your therapist to break free of some of this fearful thinking, and that it's not an absolute that a relationship will be as much of a hardship and constraining as it can be fulfilling.

So the other thing that's been happening is the guy I talked to for over a year on email who basically asked to me like 10 times is now with someone. I'm friends with him on FB still and I see all their posts - clearly a whirlwind romance.

I also think it's confirming my worst fears about myself. I know that if I had gotten together with him a year ago, I would have been in a place of finding 52 different things wrong with him and making everyone miserable. I'm actually jealous of this woman's apparent ability to adore him -- in many of their photos she has him in adoring poses, like her hand tucked around his face -- she is gorgeous, seems very gregarious, huge smile. They are off doing a million things - friends, drinks, travel, FUN, etc. Even a photo of her with her arm wrapped around his father and him (and his mom is there too). SO. NOT. ME. She's also a former model, does not appear to have kids - closer in age to him.

And I'm all -- see, we weren't a fit. I knew it deep down. So this is helping to have me reinforce my deep avoidant fears. (He would have rejected me if he can have a woman like that).

And ... of course he's all the more attractive now that he's NOT available! Of course. SO that's the painful part of it 1) I screwed up 2) I'll likely keep screwing up 3) I'm not at all magnanimous and adventurous (anymore). 4) here I was rejecting him and I'm not even anything like her.

Ugh. So I should prob unfriend him? HOWEVER, the other thing - and not that I need to make this mean anything at all, but my last 10-12 posts (so past two weeks I would say) is the reason I've even had him on my radar is because he's liked every single one of my FB posts lately and within seconds of me posting? I got the impression he was traveling around and rarely ever on FB anyway. Again, it doesn't have to mean anything, but still... a little odd.

Oh yes, I don't fault this man for moving on. Just wild to watch my crazy behavior though all of this.

I do know most of it, but the way you lay it out and how you articulate it definitely helps me see it, wrap my head around it.

And then notice things like - I wasn't always this way. I prob had a bit of love addiction back in the day - that thrust me into a relationship with my daughter's father who was very neurodivergent, very avoidant and I was madly anxious, throwing myself at him.

But after that ended all so traumatically, I really only dated a few guys - but at least I dated! My daughter was little, and I was still hopeful that I could move on and marry and have more kids, etc. The guys I dated were decent - but largely avoidant themselves, or had drama, etc. although one of them is still married (he met the person the same time as me). So back then I was still co-dependent, love addicted, messed up but *at least I was dating* and putting myself out there. I fell for unavailable men, etc - fantasized galore (I remember one in particular).

Then something shifted, and I started doing real self-work. That was a definite turning point. During that time, I ended up in a relationship with a love-addict and it was all so offensive to me that I ended up being his "teacher" and telling him everything he was doing wrong. He found a coach and tried to work on himself - we lasted over a year. My daughter was about 7 and his kids were similar in age. But he was a hot mess (and clearly I was too) (he ended up back with his first ex wife after me - I believe there were 3).

After that, a few dates with other guys, -- one who kept ending things with me, and I became a little obsessed with him -- then covid struck and that is when I underwent pretty severe traumas -- the very last guy I dated was THE LAST. Like something snapped in me after that. I developed severe driving anxiety -- that I'm still trying to unpack, and it's getter better. I was representing myself in court with custody, etc., ended up with severe covid, moved, on and on and on - and ended up having a panic attack on a traffic circle, and after that my brain was like "Enough" - and I went into borderline agoraphobia - basically everything felt terrifying. The guy told me one day about how things got really bad with his wife -- that he slammed books down (I feared he had an underlying anger issue) and suddenly I felt sooooo unsafe. I ended things with him. He kept at it. He actually kept at it for 2 years, sending me cards, texting. It was frightening (to my already traumatized brain at that time).

And I basically haven't dated since then. Just the pen pal and scare myself thing.

The other thing I know though is that I am zero interested in unavailable men now. I think that might add another layer - like I was v. traumatized, but also that I was going for men who were more or less available. And that was alllll new. Like maybe never in my life had I even been attracted to available (seeming) men. I think I could sniff out the chaotic/unavailable ones and easily date them and get involved with them, but now that they're not - I'm all behind a wall. Does that make sense? And so now (I think) the habit of finding 27 things wrong or projecting a bad outcome to keep distance/protect myself.

I think there is a lot of internal guessing and story making on your part….look at all the work you are putting in trying to figure out why he liked your post…looking at his profile, tying in her last post to when he started liking yours and then judging it and having feelings of him being unkind.  Don’t get me wrong…I did the exact same thing when B and I were trying to be friends…I would see him “online” on messenger and see a friend of mine that he had liked “online” and I went down this rabbit hole of thinking they were talking to each other.  I used to put up high walls as well…but that was because I was enmeshing with strangers and exes.  It felt so icky….and yet…I did not realize I was doing it until my therapist raised it.i think it is so easy to do if you were enmeshed with one of your parents as a child.  It becomes like breathing…guessing the motives of others, finding faults, putting up walls…..the solution isn’t to look at the symptoms…but to really address the root enmeshment.  I call it…finding out where I end and another person begins.  Because until you can do this separation…there is no relationship that will be free from guess work, story telling, fault finding and walls.  I want to emphasize that it is not your fault…..enmeshment did not start with you….but this is an opportunity for you to end it.  There is such freedom on the other side….no guesswork and not taking things personally because you know where you end and the other person begins and who owns what and  an ability to call a story out whenever one starts to pop in your head.  🙂

I used to put up high walls as well…but that was because I was enmeshing with strangers and exes.

I'm not sure I understand this.

It ties into what Alexandra said to you.  Individuals who are secure have boundaries that are flexible…they generally trust people and are not afraid of being overwhelmed by others or abandoned by them.  On the contrast, individuals with trauma….have inflexible boundaries….either creating walls to ptotect themselves, or have no boundaries at all….