Why AP’s are better than DA’s

That's an interesting point Curious. I shall have to ponder that. Thanks for your insight!

When she starts distancing, she goes into this "cocoon" and brings her two children with her that is like an impenetrable fortress. It's usually triggered by an external event (her job this last time). So what you are saying is that she actually doesn't want to break up?

Here's the blow by blow of the last several weeks so you can get a better view...
I moved in with her in the beginning of October. She wanted it. I did too. We were both very excited about it.
Everything was going AWESOME and we were doing things as a couple. She even showed me her mom's ring that she wanted me to give her when I asked her to marry me.
During October, my ex wife had to do a period of night shifts so I had to stay over there to be with my kids as they couldn't be left alone (obviously) and they weren't yet ready to stay at my DA's home.
My DA accepted this but voiced that she didn't really like it too much even though I spent all available nights at my DA's home.
The week before Thanksgiving, she got a job offer for a lot more money. We were very excited and happy.
Her present employer counter offered with even more money. (A great problem to have the way I see it!)
I was supportive and shared my thoughts. I told her whatever her decision was, I will support it and be happy for her.
STRESS HIT.
She withdrew, pushed me away.
I backed off. Gave her space. She began to treat me like I was an unwelcome visitor in her home.
I stayed in the bedroom downstairs the whole time and hung out there, slept there, only showing myself during dinner or if I needed to take care of something.
I finally asked her to talk. She agreed. She said that I don't bring her peace when she is stressed out and I am too hyper which gets her nervous.
I understood and had already begun to work on "dialing it down" since I know I have a boisterous personality and I can get loud. Being half deaf doesn't help the cause.
I acted as if everything was ok after the talk but continued to keep a low profile.
She still acted cold, dismissive, uninterested. No hugs, kisses, no communication.
She started to distance her family from me, doing things without including me.
She then started displaying signs of anger through aggravated/angry gestures and comments directed at things I was associated with such as her fire stick that was freezing up when she tried to watch it. She loved that thing and it was the greatest gift, always thanking me for it.
It grew so uncomfortable to be around her that I started staying at my sister's place.
After a few days I asked her to have a chat with me. She kept saying there is nothing to talk about. I said that I want to get on the same page and have an understanding before I came back to stay as it is uncomfortable and I would appreciate if we could clear the air.
She ignored my request for several days and always claimed to be busy.
I stopped by for additional clothes and I told her that I would like to talk when she has the opportunity.
She broke it off saying that this relationship isn't right for her or me.
I said, ok, that's fine if that's what you want. I then left.
I tried reaching out but she is not interested in another try at this point.
Typically I would be persistent in chasing her. I have not spoken to her in days.
Today is my birthday. She texted me this morning with well wishes. I have yet to respond. I am uncertain if I will respond. I most likely will not which is very atypical for me being that I would previously obsess over her and take any opportunity to communicate. Truth be told: It's two fold whereas 1) She "kicked me to the curb" and so I am giving her exactly what she wanted (lesson for her and free time for exploration for me), and 2) I like that I finally have a small bit of control/power over one tiny aspect after being stonewalled for weeks (even though it's kind of a juvenile of a position).

SIDE NOTE WORTH MENTIONING: I still have to get my stuff out of her house! I was planning for this weekend.

Thoughts???

Great insight Curious! Thanks for this! 

Hmm...you don't seem to recognize that you sent out distancing messages to her too, moving to another room, moving to your sister's, removing your stuff, etc.?

I find that you're escalating 'war", rather than making an effort to solve the communication problem

It's also a bad sign when you interpret what she does in a negative light - eg. the "Happy Birthday" as a self-serving gesture. It doesn't bode well as it signals contempt.

I tried to be nice to my exDA for his birthday and Christmas by sending gifts, it was heartfelt, but I'd be really hurt if he interpreted my wishes and gift as a way to manipulate the situation..after all, I was the one who broke up.

I am AP and I was like this. Being with my DA, who is avoidant but not nearly to the degree that many on this forum are, has made me see my own culpability on our issues. I was emotionally manipulative with him, I made everything about me, I couldn’t see that he was putting his emotions on the line as best he could. I could only see my side, see myself as the wronged party because all I wanted was “to love him” and what kind of jerk refuses someone else’s love (that’s sarcasm)? As the AP, I can see that I caused a good 75% of our problems.

I’ve been doing a lot of internal work and I only hope I can show my DA that I CAN be a safe place for him. I hope it’s not too late.

So curious if things have changed! Do share if you’re willing and able to

I see that some other posters have pointed out that you’ve “escalated” the war and also distanced, which might not have met what she wanted. From my reading, you’ve offered multiple times to talk and she did not take it, but continued on with hostility. Is it really wrong to simply walk away and not deal with it? If you have offered olive branches to talk and sort it out, but she didn’t take it, is it really so bad that you’ve distanced yourself from the hostility for your own well-being? Btw, I’m not saying the other posters are wrong or that you are - I’m just confused myself as to what is enough in meeting each other’s needs without sacrificing our own!

This is my conundrum: as much as I can empathise and understand my DA’s behavior which can be hurtful, its also rather unrealistic and unreasonable to have me de-escalate fights to the extent that I have to ignore all the acting out as though they don’t hurt. Previously as a very activated AP, I could put the hurt aside m, ignore my needs and just retreat in order to keep the peace. Right now, to me as a AP regaining security (by quite simply detaching from my DA), I can deal with some bad behavior but hey, enough is enough. you’ve made your point. Then sometimes I feel bad for not being more empathetic and tolerance of his issues (is this the AP talking?). I keep switching between wanting to be more tolerant and losing patience!

Kelvain, I agree with you that it’s remarkable how things have changed since perspectives have changed. I no longer get extremely happy when my DA texts, nor hunger nor obsess over being in touch and making the relationship perfect. If anything, I’m losing quite a lot of patience with it. It’s funny how when you move towards secure, the DA/AP loses a lot of their initial appeal.