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Post by kelvain on Jan 30, 2018 5:01:17 GMT
Hey everyone, I'm late to this convo but read it all. Kelvain I applaud how you made such a tremendous effort whilst keeping yourself in mind. I actually feel myself exercising more secure behavior these days, baby stepping of course, but I feel a bit bummed that it's too late for me. Wish I had been more self-aware with my FA ex, however, I won't fool myself into believing the outcome would have been different. I see now that we both came into it needing a lot of help, he always refused and I kept going but let my AP style really rule my actions. Live and learn, but glad you are hear and sharing your story. Thank you! I have everyone on this message board to thank as well as a lot of great advice from Coach Craig Kenneth. I recommend everyone to check him out. He really helped me to recognize many of my issues and my emotional trauma which is leading me down an incredible path of peace. He does several videos on Attachment Styles that many here may find useful. I forget who first recommended him to me but it was someone here on the boards. Best recommendation I ever got! |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 30, 2018 5:06:56 GMT
Thank you! I will check him out!
And yes, this board is amazing :-)
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 16:15:16 GMT
Hmm...I think I would like to qualify what I thought was the situation with kelvain. I had assumed that he wanted to go back to the relationship and was seeking insight into his partner's thinking. I only heard his side and thus guessed at the dynamics of the relationship. From what he described, there wasn't a commitment issue, they were living together and making plans for marriage until a rupture happened..."STRESS HIT". It really wasn't clear to me what this "stress" entailed. It seemed to have upset her so much she cut off abruptly, but still sent birthday greetings, etc. Her inability to communicate to him what went wrong might indicate an avoidant style, as I have the same problem, I might communicate up to a certain point but sort of expect the partner to pick up the ball if he is sincere in mending fences. Perhaps I read it wrong, and she had no intention to open the door for "turning towards, not away". To me, living together and planning marriage doesn't seem to be an extreme avoidant behavior, I am capable of that, and I am guilty of that same behavior of finding it difficult to communicate in a delicate situation, but it doesn't mean I won't be open to getting back together if a compromise can be reached. If my exDA would try therapy to increase the frequency of spending time together, I might be fine with seeing each other, say 4 times a month instead of once a month....but I don't know, I have raised my standards but then I'm also avoidant. However, there were also a couple of deal-breakers for me that are inexplicable to the potential partners, eg. one described to me how his beautiful hunting dogs (auburn retrievers) killed a cat and I just got so nauseated I couldn't see him again, and of course many normal women wouldn't mind hunting dogs killing prey. So that could have been something akin to a dealbreaker for her (might not be rational but we all get triggered by different things that shut us down...) when "stress hit" was described. I can't speak for anyone else, but if my exDA were to have stayed with me to the point of planning a marriage, broken up, and reached out in some way, eg sending me messages, and if I'd wanted to get back together, I'd meet him and talk it out to see if we can compromise and continue with the relationship, but that's just me, and it might be a very different situation for others, eg with unexplanable dealbreakers, other dynamics, etc. I am actually very wary to offer advice on these boards because I am always filtering through my own lens, and I could be seeing it in a very mistaken way. Apologies for all that confusion, and good luck with your path forward.  |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2018 18:31:01 GMT
It was sad and exhausting. Unfortunately, I allowed it. I accepted it. I was trapped in the AP/DA cycle with her and didn't even see it for what it was. Now, being aware, and changing my attachment style to secure (through much determination), I'm not even thinking about her that much. The strange thing that I noticed is that I have become aware that my thoughts about her have changed. I am no longer desperate to contact her like the old days. Rather I'm enjoying the break so that I can concentrate on things I enjoy like writing my new novel and working on a screenplay. I'm also really enjoying get close with friends of the opposite gender who are quite wonderful people. I was very careful of that kind of thing previously because my DA was extremely jealous. Now...oh well  At this point, if she wanted to come back, I'm not sure I want to deal with the aloofness. Like I said in another thread... It's great when she's into it. But now that I'm looking at things differently, I'm not so sure. I'm finding it really hard to see your self-assessment as "secure." It seems far more like you've just detached and just care less about her as a partner, so you've getting triggered less. You're more or less saying here that you are enjoying flirting with others, and quite unambiguously stating that if she comes back, you may not give a sh*t anymore. If this is secure, I'll stick to being AP :/ |
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Post by kelvain on Feb 2, 2018 13:52:15 GMT
Hmm...I think I would like to qualify what I thought was the situation with kelvain. I had assumed that he wanted to go back to the relationship and was seeking insight into his partner's thinking. I only heard his side and thus guessed at the dynamics of the relationship. From what he described, there wasn't a commitment issue, they were living together and making plans for marriage until a rupture happened..."STRESS HIT". It really wasn't clear to me what this "stress" entailed. It seemed to have upset her so much she cut off abruptly, but still sent birthday greetings, etc. Her inability to communicate to him what went wrong might indicate an avoidant style, as I have the same problem, I might communicate up to a certain point but sort of expect the partner to pick up the ball if he is sincere in mending fences. Perhaps I read it wrong, and she had no intention to open the door for "turning towards, not away". To me, living together and planning marriage doesn't seem to be an extreme avoidant behavior, I am capable of that, and I am guilty of that same behavior of finding it difficult to communicate in a delicate situation, but it doesn't mean I won't be open to getting back together if a compromise can be reached. If my exDA would try therapy to increase the frequency of spending time together, I might be fine with seeing each other, say 4 times a month instead of once a month....but I don't know, I have raised my standards but then I'm also avoidant. However, there were also a couple of deal-breakers for me that are inexplicable to the potential partners, eg. one described to me how his beautiful hunting dogs (auburn retrievers) killed a cat and I just got so nauseated I couldn't see him again, and of course many normal women wouldn't mind hunting dogs killing prey. So that could have been something akin to a dealbreaker for her (might not be rational but we all get triggered by different things that shut us down...) when "stress hit" was described. I can't speak for anyone else, but if my exDA were to have stayed with me to the point of planning a marriage, broken up, and reached out in some way, eg sending me messages, and if I'd wanted to get back together, I'd meet him and talk it out to see if we can compromise and continue with the relationship, but that's just me, and it might be a very different situation for others, eg with unexplanable dealbreakers, other dynamics, etc. I am actually very wary to offer advice on these boards because I am always filtering through my own lens, and I could be seeing it in a very mistaken way. Apologies for all that confusion, and good luck with your path forward. Hi curious. The stress was due to her getting a job offer for a lot more money and her present employer making a counter offer for even more money. She was stressed with having to make the decision and she doesn't handle stress too well. She deactivated from the relationship because of it. I gave her space, remained supportive from the periphery yet it did not matter. |
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Post by kelvain on Feb 2, 2018 17:13:21 GMT
It was sad and exhausting. Unfortunately, I allowed it. I accepted it. I was trapped in the AP/DA cycle with her and didn't even see it for what it was. Now, being aware, and changing my attachment style to secure (through much determination), I'm not even thinking about her that much. The strange thing that I noticed is that I have become aware that my thoughts about her have changed. I am no longer desperate to contact her like the old days. Rather I'm enjoying the break so that I can concentrate on things I enjoy like writing my new novel and working on a screenplay. I'm also really enjoying get close with friends of the opposite gender who are quite wonderful people. I was very careful of that kind of thing previously because my DA was extremely jealous. Now...oh well At this point, if she wanted to come back, I'm not sure I want to deal with the aloofness. Like I said in another thread... It's great when she's into it. But now that I'm looking at things differently, I'm not so sure. I'm finding it really hard to see your self-assessment as "secure." It seems far more like you've just detached and just care less about her as a partner, so you've getting triggered less. You're more or less saying here that you are enjoying flirting with others, and quite unambiguously stating that if she comes back, you may not give a sh*t anymore. If this is secure, I'll stick to being AP :/ I didn't assess myself as secure. I stated that I am changing my attachment style to secure. It's a journey. However, you are definitely correct...I did detach myself to a certain degree (coping mechanism?). But to possibly bring some further clarity to my situation... I became aware of the cycle we were caught in (for 10 years) and how it was draining me and taking its toll mentally, emotionally, and physically. After she ended things, I redirected my focused onto trying to better myself and to stop focusing all my energies on trying to please her and obsess over her (my AP-ness). I'm just trying to heal as best as I can. It's a struggle somedays more than others. But if she came back, I can honestly say that I would be happy as long as she stopped with the stubborn "This is me so suck it up" attitude and was willing to work together at fixing things where they went wrong. The way I see it, I was/am willing to work at being a better partner for her and being more considerate of her needs but it needs to be reciprocated. I can't do all the work. It has to be mutual or it's a deal breaker. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2018 18:59:35 GMT
I'm finding it really hard to see your self-assessment as "secure." It seems far more like you've just detached and just care less about her as a partner, so you've getting triggered less. You're more or less saying here that you are enjoying flirting with others, and quite unambiguously stating that if she comes back, you may not give a sh*t anymore. If this is secure, I'll stick to being AP :/ I didn't assess myself as secure. I stated that I am changing my attachment style to secure. It's a journey. However, you are definitely correct...I did detach myself to a certain degree (coping mechanism?). But to possibly bring some further clarity to my situation... I became aware of the cycle we were caught in (for 10 years) and how it was draining me and taking its toll mentally, emotionally, and physically. After she ended things, I redirected my focused onto trying to better myself and to stop focusing all my energies on trying to please her and obsess over her (my AP-ness). I'm just trying to heal as best as I can. It's a struggle somedays more than others. But if she came back, I can honestly say that I would be happy as long as she stopped with the stubborn "This is me so suck it up" attitude and was willing to work together at fixing things where they went wrong. The way I see it, I was/am willing to work at being a better partner for her and being more considerate of her needs but it needs to be reciprocated. I can't do all the work. It has to be mutual or it's a deal breaker. Okay, my bad. I misunderstood. Your last sentiment containing the "this is me so suck it up" really struck home for me (also AP.) This is exactly what I was dealing with too, and I had the same attitude: I can't do this alone. But of course the significance of what "this" actually was seemed impossible to grasp for her. In her eyes, it was me alone causing the relationship problems although from time - extremely rarely - she would say something in self pity, like "i'm broken" or "I don't deserve your love" etc etc |
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Post by kelvain on Feb 2, 2018 19:36:20 GMT
I didn't assess myself as secure. I stated that I am changing my attachment style to secure. It's a journey. However, you are definitely correct...I did detach myself to a certain degree (coping mechanism?). But to possibly bring some further clarity to my situation... I became aware of the cycle we were caught in (for 10 years) and how it was draining me and taking its toll mentally, emotionally, and physically. After she ended things, I redirected my focused onto trying to better myself and to stop focusing all my energies on trying to please her and obsess over her (my AP-ness). I'm just trying to heal as best as I can. It's a struggle somedays more than others. But if she came back, I can honestly say that I would be happy as long as she stopped with the stubborn "This is me so suck it up" attitude and was willing to work together at fixing things where they went wrong. The way I see it, I was/am willing to work at being a better partner for her and being more considerate of her needs but it needs to be reciprocated. I can't do all the work. It has to be mutual or it's a deal breaker. Okay, my bad. I misunderstood. Your last sentiment containing the "this is me so suck it up" really struck home for me (also AP.) This is exactly what I was dealing with too, and I had the same attitude: I can't do this alone. But of course the significance of what "this" actually was seemed impossible to grasp for her. In her eyes, it was me alone causing the relationship problems although from time - extremely rarely - she would say something in self pity, like "i'm broken" or "I don't deserve your love" etc etc I feel for you. It sux because you love this person so much and are so willing to make any sacrifice for them but at times they just get in their own way. Or rather their attitudes/attachment styles get in the way. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2018 18:20:56 GMT
Hi curious. The stress was due to her getting a job offer for a lot more money and her present employer making a counter offer for even more money. She was stressed with having to make the decision and she doesn't handle stress too well. She deactivated from the relationship because of it. I gave her space, remained supportive from the periphery yet it did not matter. Thanks for clarifying. This is extremely bizarre behavior, to get angry at you and to have broken up with you when it was a situation where you didn't do or say anything wrong. It is not really avoidant behavior, it is abusive and crazy. I would strongly advise getting away from irrational and abusive partners who lash out at you willy nilly. She might have a host of other problems. I am towards the FA spectrum, but I never break up without communicating what I objected to in the relationship. I might not make it loud and clear, but I would communicate in an un ambiguous way, and when appropriate, explain why it is me and not them, eg. him describing how his hunting dogs trapped and killed the cat traumatized me too much. I don't think most normal partners, no matter their attachment style, would break up out of the blue without giving strong hints or explanations. So yes, these are red flags and I wouldn't hesitate to exit an abusive relationship. Good luck with your future relationships. |
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Post by kelvain on Feb 21, 2018 18:12:20 GMT
An update for any of you who were following my situation with my ex DA.
Quick recap:
She detached from me/the relationship in late November because of stress from work. She ended things right before Christmas. She asked me to get my stuff and move out mid January.
This weekend I found out through two separate friends that she had her ex husband move back in at the end of January, after 2 plus years of being divorced (she is the one who wanted the divorce because she couldn't stand him and he repulsed her - her words). I also was told that she is working things out with him and intends on going to couples counseling. She even went as far as saying she will probably get re-married to him. WOW!!! I was totally shocked!
My friend advised for me to call her, which I did. My ex DA said that she is doing well and is not stressed out (her stress happened due to her job which caused her to shut down to me). I asked if it was true that she and her ex husband were getting back together. She denied it vehemently. She said he is only there temporarily until he gets his new apartment. She is also pinning our breakup entirely on me and believes she had no role in it. She even blamed me for "leaving her flat" when I was trying to give her some space (while remaining in contact with her and asking her to get together for a date night and have a nice time together so we can get on the same page again). I'll point out that she was getting annoyed at me when she first started detaching because I was "getting needy" by asking her what's wrong, and that's why I backed away to give her some space. HOLY CRAP! Damned if you do and damned if you don't. Total no win scenario! I tried to reason with her but she was like a robot. She just said there is no US ever again.
Her friend thinks she is a bit delusional. I don't disagree!
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Post by cricket on Feb 21, 2018 18:58:44 GMT
Wow☹ that is real disheartening. I mean you want to give people the benefit of the doubt and they do shit like that. She sounds like a big roller coaster of emotions. I'm sorry you have to go thru that.you said before you were not thinking about her as much which I wouldn't call detaching I would call healing and moving forward. Did this set you back very much?
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Post by kelvain on Feb 24, 2018 21:12:00 GMT
Wow☹ that is real disheartening. I mean you want to give people the benefit of the doubt and they do shit like that. She sounds like a big roller coaster of emotions. I'm sorry you have to go thru that.you said before you were not thinking about her as much which I wouldn't call detaching I would call healing and moving forward. Did this set you back very much? I started to really miss her the last week or so. To hear this now. It hit hard. Really hard... |
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Post by cricket on Feb 25, 2018 20:04:17 GMT
Wow☹ that is real disheartening. I mean you want to give people the benefit of the doubt and they do shit like that. She sounds like a big roller coaster of emotions. I'm sorry you have to go thru that.you said before you were not thinking about her as much which I wouldn't call detaching I would call healing and moving forward. Did this set you back very much? I started to really miss her the last week or so. To hear this now. It hit hard. Really hard... I bet. Just let that missing her wave pass. Acknowledge it, it's totally normal. Just keep moving forward with life and something better will come along. |
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Post by kelvain on Feb 27, 2018 3:53:15 GMT
I started to really miss her the last week or so. To hear this now. It hit hard. Really hard... I bet. Just let that missing her wave pass. Acknowledge it, it's totally normal. Just keep moving forward with life and something better will come along. Thanks Cricket. My biggest crime is that I have always made excuses for her aloof behavior and mistreatment of me and our relationship. And her many betrayals...I just made myself believe the she was a poor little girl who was just a victim because she didn't know any better. I realize now that I was only justifying her selfish, callous, and disrespectful actions not to mention her shitty treatment of me and my love for her. I even used the awareness that she is DA to further justify this treatment in my mind. She has now cut me completely off and is treating me like I am less than a stranger when I did nothing wrong except to give her the space she needed and to ask if we could talk about things (because she was distant for a few weeks)...her behavior towards me because of this is inexcusable. DA or not, it's 100% wrong. And it pisses me off in a big way. And what's worse is that she takes no responsibility for any of the issues. She justifies everything and blames it on me being needy or pressuring, which was definitely not the case. It's like she's getting worse whereas her perceptions of reality are becoming more and more distorted. I do envy her in a way because she has the ability (being a DA) to just ignore/turn off feelings and sweep everything under the carpet. Unfortunately, I always believed that when you give a person your heart and promise your love to them, it is a promise that should never be broken. This is just the way I was raised. But like my friends say, I have to stop making up excuses for her and see her for who she really is because I am better off without her and I deserve to be treated like I matter. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2018 15:46:10 GMT
I bet. Just let that missing her wave pass. Acknowledge it, it's totally normal. Just keep moving forward with life and something better will come along. Thanks Cricket. My biggest crime is that I have always made excuses for her aloof behavior and mistreatment of me and our relationship. And her many betrayals...I just made myself believe the she was a poor little girl who was just a victim because she didn't know any better. I realize now that I was only justifying her selfish, callous, and disrespectful actions not to mention her shitty treatment of me and my love for her. I even used the awareness that she is DA to further justify this treatment in my mind. She has now cut me completely off and is treating me like I am less than a stranger when I did nothing wrong except to give her the space she needed and to ask if we could talk about things (because she was distant for a few weeks)...her behavior towards me because of this is inexcusable. DA or not, it's 100% wrong. And it pisses me off in a big way. And what's worse is that she takes no responsibility for any of the issues. She justifies everything and blames it on me being needy or pressuring, which was definitely not the case. It's like she's getting worse whereas her perceptions of reality are becoming more and more distorted. I do envy her in a way because she has the ability (being a DA) to just ignore/turn off feelings and sweep everything under the carpet. Unfortunately, I always believed that when you give a person your heart and promise your love to them, it is a promise that should never be broken. This is just the way I was raised. But like my friends say, I have to stop making up excuses for her and see her for who she really is because I am better off without her and I deserve to be treated like I matter. You're describing exactly how I felt. It's horrifying, this realization. I was at my lowest point and understanding how I was justifying her shitty treatment of me completely broke me. I'm sorry man, but believe ne - I know exactly how you feel. |
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